How is setting a time limit not the same thing as sharing?
As a former day care worker I can tell you that there is a lot of conflict over toys. There are certain toys kids prefer and the realities of storage space or funding may mean that the most popular toys are not available in the numbers that would allow all who want to play with the toy one of their own. Generally the “sharing” solution works well in that it allows all the kids that want to play with a toy time with that toy. The kid who plays with it first has no real claim to that toy and the kid who wants to play with it is paying just as much to be there as the other kid. If you don’t force the first kid to give the toy up at some point kids will learn the only way to get a toy away from someone else is fighting. As a teacher you want the kids to come to you with conflict instead of fighting. Giving each kid a time with the toy may make one kid upset but it prevents kids from feeling like the teacher likes the other kid more. That is the most important thing in the situation. Most preschoolers are before the age of 4 are too young to understand about sharing and any life lessons will be lost on them.
yeah, I remember years ago one of my younger cousins was brought up like this. To him, “share” meant “gimme.” my aunt, of course, thought it was the most precious thing ever when he’d point at someone who had something (e.g. some candy) and say “Share!”
One day in our library’s playroom, two little girls (apparently sisters) fought over every single toy there. (No adult was supervising them.) The moment one girl picked up anything, the other girl had to have it immediately.
I came in and sat down with my son across the room from the girls, who were arguing loudly over a climb-through tunnel. My son climbed onto a rocking horse.
Suddenly, the girls reached a consensus, racing across the room to accost the common foe: my (much younger) son. Before they could actually yank him off, I said firmly, “You can share.” Their little jaws dropped. Could such a thing be done? They slunk off to battle over the tunnel once more.
I think a little enforced sharing, under similar circumstances, won’t hurt anybody. Greediness is not nice.
Sharing depends on the item. A box of crayons? Of course kids are expected to share. Would anyone let one kid draw and color and leave the others out? My daughters were expected to share things like crayons, candy (break off a piece for your sister) etc.
A stuffed toy is something that only one child can play with at a time. But sometimes kids cling to a toy just so their sister can’t have it. Thats not acceptable. Play with the toy for awhile and then let someone else play.
Its all part of teaching manners and consideration of others.
I always tell people I had the mumps and was not in school the week the taught “sharing” in kindergarten.
I’m not sure I fully understand this post. I’m confused on a lot of the points. Can you clarify your position? Were you telling the sisters to wait for their turn on the horse? Is that what you meant by share? The way the daycare in question is using share, they are saying they would have not told your son to give up the horse…he doesn’t have to share it. I guess I’m just a bit confused by your post, I feel like an idiot because I can’t parse it.
I actually saw this story on GMA this morning, so I saw more of it than what I’ve linked to with the article. They didn’t seem to mean things like crayons at all. They were making the point specifically about a single toy that can’t be used by two children at once.
I know that kids do the, “I’m only keeping it so you can’t have it” schtick, but I think, even in that case, they should be left to their unfair choice. The other kid just has to accept that the first kid doesn’t want to give it up.
Taking turns is exactly what the daycare means by sharing. Their position is that the kids don’t have to take turns…they are free to have the toy they have chosen until they don’t want to play with it anymore or until they decide to share it.
It is sharing based on a fair system. Having to give something up on request is not sharing, it’s taking.
I think it can go either way. My wife was one of four girls, and they grew up pretty poor, so there was not a lot to go around (for instance, they only had one bicycle among the 4 of them that they had to share). She had to learn to share just about everything growing up, and as adults, her and her sisters ended up being the most generous and non-materialistic people I’ve ever met. It came from having a good upbringing that taught each of them that they were all equally important and had equal priority when it came to who gets to ride the bicycle. Yes, they fought over stuff as children but it seemed to work itself out since if one girl was hogging something, the other 3 would gang up on her to convince her to give it up for a while.
As an adult she has an excellent relationship with all her sisters and the funny thing is that I see her family being a lot closer and tight-knit than families who, while their kids weren’t necessarily spoiled per se, were never in a position where they had to share anything. Sure it might seem tranquil to have kids that get along because they never have to compete for anything within their own family, but it can backfire badly- some kids will grow up with this entitlement complex. Because they never really had to be in a position to share or give up something they wanted, they tend to be more possessive, selfish and territorial about their stuff. Little comprimises seem outrageous to them, and this problem spills over to adulthood where you may end up sharing space with people in a way you are not accustomed, or work in a workplace that requires sharing of limited resources (breaks, comissions, etc).
Of course it can also go the opposite extreme, the kid forced to share as a child lacking trust in other people, always feeling like someone is out to take or deprive them of something for no other arbitrary reason but to ‘share’. But I think if you do it positively you’ll get a kid that is a team player and is capable of respecting the needs of children other than themselves.
After looking through the responses, this feels like one of those issues where there truly is two legitimate sides of equal merit.
So with that said, the solution is stop daycares. Quit letting other people raise your children. Teach them about the things discussed in this thread before they are ready to attend normal school.
Anyways I don’t for one second believe any of this is actually about the kids. It’s just another attempt by the daycare aids and teachers to avoid actually having to deal with children.
They don’t give one fu** about the future welfare of the kids.
Ah, I think I see where the disconnect is coming from. I’ve never known sharing to mean giving something up the second someone else wants it. In daycare and at home when I was a kid if someone wanted what you had they were told it was being used and that they needed to wait and you were told that someone else wanted the toy so in X minutes it was going to be their turn. I agree that toys shouldn’t be ripped away from kids because of another kid’s whim. Time limits or taking turns has always been what I’ve considered sharing.
Oh, I don’t know, Saraya. They seem to have really thought this through with a purpose. Right or wrong, they don’t seem to be just trying to say, “fuck it, we don’t give a fuck”. They seem to be at least trying to come up with a plan that will be good for the kids.
Um, my kid doesn’t go to daycare and sharing is still an issue. Especially because she’s an only child and doesn’t have to share on a daily basis in the way that day care kids do, or kids with siblings.
I look at three possible kinds of sharing:
The Divide - items like crayons which can literally be shared – it’s a whole box and you can distribute the crayons.
Concurrent Sharing - for big items, like a play kitchen or a sand box or water table. Two (or more!) kids can use this at once, you can’t call the entire water table because you want to play with it alone. Or watching a DVD.
Taking Turns - which is what this article is focusing on. I like taking turns as long as it is reasonable, and I don’t think it’s reasonable to have to give up a toy immediately because someone asks, or even after some token amount of time, like 30 seconds. For a kid who is really and truly invested in playing with a toy, maybe he is really playing with it for the entire play period (which at preschool is what, like half an hour?) and that seems okay to me. If a toy is that popular, I would be okay with letting another kid have first crack at it the following day (or next play period, say morning and afternoon).
I agree with **Little Nemo **that caregivers should be on the look-out for a kid hoarding a bunch of toys that he/she isn’t really playing with. I’d also keep an eye out for a kid who ran or pushed to claim a popular toy every single time - you shouldn’t be rewarded for shoving.
My daughter is tiny for her age, and I’ve noticed a lot of people perceive her as younger than she is. We’ll have situations on the playground where she wants to play with another child’s toy, and the other parent will swoop in with “Share your truck!” I don’t like this for the exact same reasons outlined in the article - I don’t want her getting used to the idea that she can walk up to another kid and suddenly get a toy. I try to intervene, but it’s like the other parent and I get stuck in that “oh no, she can play with it”/“oh that’s okay, she doesn’t need to play with it” loop. Ah, I mentioned the age thing because I think it makes people assume she is so young that she doesn’t know any better. I know she is the same age as one little boy we see in the neighborhood, and he is twice her size.
I also don’t like it because then I feel like I am/she is expected to reciprocate if someone else demands her toy.
We have a slightly different set of rules for when we have guests over. If there is another little kid, my daughter is expected to share more. This is all framed as “Little Timmy is our guest, and when we are the hosts, we share with our guests.” I mean, I don’t think I’m too crazy about it, I’m not snatching every toy away from her to give to the guest. But I will remind her that she has many opportunities to play with the Fairy Castle, and our guest is only here for the afternoon.
I’ve also had good luck with what I call the “Sneak Share” (maybe I should make that a 4th category) – that is “hey, you could show Little Timmy how that dump truck works! You could teach him how to dump out the sand!”
I just finished teaching my weekly preschool class here at the zoo. I always include 10 minutes of “sharing time” where I pass out objects related to our theme - today was baby mammals, so I had a few pelts, a skull, a doll’s bottle, and some stuffed toys. I explain what each one is, then pass it to one of the children. When everything’s handed out, I ask the group if anyone is ready to trade. Only when they’re ready, only if they want a chance to hold one of the other items.
Yeah, sometimes little Aaliah doesn’t want to give up that cute toy jaguar. So she holds it for the full 10 minutes. Fine. There’s plenty of other things for the other kids to look at and hold. Some kids really love the trading part, and switch back and forth with me or the other kids many times.
I like this part of class, and so do the parents. It’s good practice of simple life skills.
Yeah, delphica, I’m with you about company. The way we treat guests in our home, my daughter KNEW she was expected to give up her turn for kids who were visiting. But I have also cringed at parents who at the playground would order their child to share, say, their bike, just because my daughter was looking with longing.
I’m not sure, but I think a decent concept of sharing got twisted into nonsense. I’ve seen when my kids were in pre-school, and even when I was in kindergarten in the days of the dinosaur how some snotty child would ask or grab for a toy, and not getting it turn and run to the teacher crying “Billy won’t share!”. A teacher who isn’t giving a rat’s ass will just tell Billy to share his toy even though there’s no reason he should give it up. It’s unfortunate that sometimes the lessons that are supposed to be learned aren’t understood by the teacher. Maybe I’m over-reacting, but I think this sort of thing has happened for too long and you can see it in the rest of society demanding things based on greed and claiming fairness as a justification.
What? You want to watch my kids during the day while I have to work full time? That is total crap. Do you even have kids?
Ah, good ole working-parent shaming. You don’t see that much anymore, at least not in such a blatant (and blatantly clueless) way.
Sooooo… since my daughter was born, my first child, I’ve had three pregnancy losses and kind of doubt there will ever be another child. Without her daycare/preschool/playgroup, where exactly does my kid get space to be herself and work things out with other children without vulture-mommy constantly watching her?
Sorry, but I truly believe that it is healthy and beneficial for children to be away from their parents, with other children and other adults and other rules and expectations, some time well before public schooling begins.
Haaa! It’s like you are asking her, “do you even lift?”
