GodfuckingDamnit, a daycare provider isn't a stranger

The BBQ Pit
1

I don’t care to get involved in the parents “stay home or work” debates–I think it’s an individual decision and what’s right for one family might not be right for another. I’ve got mom and dad friends who work, and mom and dad friends who stay home. No biggie.

One thing that FUCKING DRIVES ME BATSHIT is when advocates for parents staying home use expressions like “I don’t think my child should be raised by strangers.” As in, daycare providers are the strangers.

I know a lot of working parents. And I don’t know a single one of them who have ever just dumped their kid off with a child care provider who was a stranger.

Take me for example. My daycare provider is someone I have genuine love for. I picked her because I valued her experience and I agreed with her philosophies on child development. For the past three years, my husband or I have seen her five fucking days a week, twice a day. My son calls her husband “Grampy.” My son (and we) know her cats, her dogs, her housekeeper, her grandchildren, her daughter’s boyfriend, and the friends who visit. I know her neighbors. And her neighbor’s dogs. I’d recognize her car on the street. I know where she likes to shop. I know what books she reads. As for her, she has met my mom, my nephew, my dog, and several of my friends. She knows about my cat, my hobbies, my work, and my concerns as a parent. She knows even more about my husband. And don’t even get me started about how well she knows my son. She knows him intimately. She calls him “precious heart” and cooks his favorite foods and buys him birthday presents… you get the picture.

This is a stranger who is raising my child? How the fuck do these people define “Stranger?” Sure, I never knew her before I sought care for my child, but she’s about like family at this point.

Sure, I know there is some turnover at day care centers–we’ve had constancy because my day care provider works out of her home. But even at a center, those aren’t strangers. No parent in their right mind would allow a caregiver to remain a stranger.

Claiming that “strangers” raise children if you put them in daycare is a bunch of melodramatic horseshit, and I find it insulting. More laughable than insulting in my particular case.

So take that terminology and SHOVE IT UP YOUR IGNORANT ASS. Many thanks.

2

Bravo Cranky.

One of my dear friends operated a dayhome for years, and she cried when she closed it. She is close, personal friends with many of the parents, and most of the children still call her Aunty when they see her.

There is no “stranger” in this mix.

3

Yep. My kid’s in a very high quality childcare centre which my mother happens to be the director of. I know all the staff and my kid is very happy there. It’s been a major part of his recovery from autism to be in a group setting where he has had to socialise. Weirdly it would have been impossible for me to organise groups of children for him to hang out with every day at home.

I’ve been criticised extensively on parenting lists for meeting his needs. My personal favourite was the insane woman who declared it was wrong to ever take a kid to a therapist and that I should do all his therapy at home. Ooookay so in my spare time, I’ll brush up on speech therapy, occupational therapy, become a dietician, let’s not forget psychology and psychiatry…

4

It sounds like your provider is in a home? This is quite different from a daycare center where you have 2 or 3 adults and 30 children running amok. The staff is constantly changing, the children are changing, etc. You don’t know the personal child-rearing philosophies of the individual employees.

I think that THOSE are the kinds of places that people are talking about when they talk about “strangers” raising their kids.

5

oh yeah.

the kind of place I use. I guess you’re OK cranky and I’m the kind of parent who sucks.

Not all childcare centres are like that. Not all of them have high staff turnover. Not all of them are bearpits where you leave your kid with a stranger.

6

what? Psst. Prima, Cranky is defending you.

7

Folks, this thread can’t end happily.

Let’s let it go.

8

psst jar? lordy do I appear to be bickering with cranky? I’m not!

cranky, I’m in total agreement with you and if I appear to be arguing with you, I’m sorry. I’ll just slink over here and stop multitasking, it must be affecting my communication skills.

To be clear – most of us who use childcare do not consider ourselves to be leaving our kids with strangers. This includes in home care and childcare centres.

9

I think many of them in this instance define “Stranger” as “Not related to you, your child, your husband or any member of your family by blood, by marriage or by other less formal ties”.

When they say “I don’t want my children raised by strangers”, they’re being misleading. What they really mean is “I don’t want my child being cared for by people outside of my immediate family”.

Doesn’t make a lick of difference. Being the parent means you make the decisions about how your child is raised, and your way is the right way for you. Your son is cared for by someone who loves him, which is a darn sight better than being cared for by a grandmother who is somewhat past caring for small children, or by a mother who has to sacrifice much just so Jr can spend a couple of extra hours in her company a day.

10

This is the most common form of preschool child care in Sweden. I have, and pretty much everyone I know have spent a couple of year in a “kindergarden”. The government provides it and, in my experience, most parents choose to use it. Some of my earliest memories was feeling left out because everyone I knew was going to “kindergarden” and I wasn’t. Since I did spend atleast 2 years there, I guess I’m partly raised by “strangers”.

11

I should clarify: I think that is what people are talking about. I am not saying that those places are bad.

I sent Dominic to full-day daycare/preschool two days a week from age 2 until he was in kindergarten and I think he was the better for it.

12

Oh, I never meant to insinuate that you were saying those place were bad. You just happened to be the one to mention the concept.

But let’s not deny facts, we are talking about 30 kids on speed. :slight_smile:

13

Yes, that is the problem. It’s just an unfortunately provocative mixup in terminology on their part.

Although in its favor, it does lead to some interesting questions about recalibrating the scale of intimacy. If the person I described is a “stranger,” then what kind of intimacy qualifies someone as acquaintance? joint masturbation on a regular basis, I suppose. Now, using that same “stranger” benchmark, I guess “friend” would be someone I had sex with.

I’d better be damned careful telling my husband I’ve made acquaintances on the SDMB.

And now “Would you be my friend?” is most appropriately answered “Only if you’ve got a condom.”

14

essohbee: I was more directing that to Primaflora, actually.

15

If someone ever had to take care of me, there are “strangers” I’d choose over some members of my family.

Same with my kid. The lady that comes to our house every day loves my daughter like a grandchild. She not only has my trust, but my love as well for that.

Thank you “B”, you’re a dear.

16

OpalCat: Roger that, I guess my reading comprehension skills aren’t what they should be.

17

Just to show how bad “strangers” are in comparison to family.
I went back to work when my kids were 2 1/2. My cousin watched them. One day, I went to pick them up (on time) and my kids were standing at the kitchen door watching my cousin and her two kids eating from a pizza pie. I walked in just in time to hear my cousin yell at my kids to “get out, where eating dinner.”

Two months later my kids were in a daycare center that cared for 40 children. 10 under 2 and 30 over. The under 2s had 3 caretakers and the overs also had 3. My children are now 15 years old and they still drop by the old place to say hi. A couple of months ago the owner heard through the grapevine that my children were both in specialized high schools. She gave them “good job” stars.

The reason it took 2 months to find “strangers” to take over the childcare role of “family” was because there were places that looked like cattle pens. I didn’t leave them there.

You make the best choices you can. Sometimes what is “obviously” the right choice isn’t the best choice at all.

18

Sorry for the confusion Prima, but this statement:

Lead me to believe you were arguing with her, since you called her by name. No biggie.

19

I left my son at a day care from 6 weeks old until he started kindergarten. The first four years it was a daycare ran by a family friend. Then I switched him to a new place for the next few years until he was old enough to stay alone. His kindergarten teacher told me they could always tell the kids that had in-home care and the ones that were in day care. The ones in daycare had already learned to wait their turn, knew how to share, and had good social skills. He didn’t turn out too bad.

20

I have my two in a center.

And, I don’t know the child rearing philosophies of every single person at the center. Sometimes, between my husband dropping me off and shift changes in the center, a few months will go by before I meet a new teacher. However, I do know the philosophies of the center itself. I know that all the head teachers have degrees in child development. I know that my kids are never left alone, and that the rooms are open format, so that no teacher is ever left alone with a bunch of kids - there are always multiple adults present.

I know that they get regular naps (which is more than happens when I’m at home with them), that someone reads to them regularly (more than what happens on Saturdays at my house) and someone gets out fingerpaint (do you have any idea how messy fingerpaint is?)

The center has a relatively stable staff (one of my son’s teachers just left after 2 1/2 years - to become a cop). And, center daycare works best for us because I don’t have to make other arrangments when the provider is sick or on vacation.

And my kids like it there. “Is today a daycare day, Mommy?”