As some of you may know, most of Indiana does not do Daylight Saving Time. For most of us, it’s been a non-issue. However, there are some fetishists and cultists who think that adopting DST will save all the state’s economic woes. I’ve written this little song in their honor:
A Hymn to Quick Fixes
Copyright 2003 Bryan J. Maloney
All Rights Reserved
It won’t matter if our state is in a mess.
No, it won’t matter if our state is in a mess.
We’ll magic’ly become the best
Like a big fat gorilla
In a pink prom dress
And we’ll be transformed by Daylight Saving Time.
And it won’t matter if our public schools stink.
No, it won’t matter if our public schools stink.
Won’t matter if those schools stink,
Our workers can’t read
And our kids can’t think.
We’ll be educated by Daylight Saving Time.
And it won’t matter if our water’s full of sludge.
No, it won’t matter if our water’s full of sludge.
If our sewage systems are useless and old
All our rotten water
Will turn to gold
From the alchemy of Daylight Saving Time.
And it won’t matter if our statehouse is corrupt.
No, it won’t matter if our statehouse is corrupt.
All the cronyism and secret deals
Will turn into houses,
And jobs, and meals
When we get purged by Daylight Saving Time.
And it won’t matter of our tax system is weird.
No, it won’t matter if our tax system is weird.
It won’t matter that it’s complicated and weird
And around the nation
It’s mightily feared
For we’ll all mint money from Daylight Saving Time.
And it won’t matter if our venture guys are wimps.
No, it won’t matter if our venture guys are wimps.
Won’t matter if they can’t see how
There’s more money in risk
Than the old cash cow
We’ll just invest our Daylight Saving Time.
And it won’t matter if you can’t afford a car.
No, it won’t matter if you can’t afford a car.
We’ll toss our cars into the garbage can
And fly through the air
Like Superman
’Cause we’ll be powered by Daylight Saving Time.
And it won’t matter if you get shot in the head.
No, it won’t matter if you get shot in the head.
Won’t matter if you’ve got a bullet in the head.
You won’t be hurt,
You won’t be dead.
For you’ll be HEALED by Daylight Saving Time.
And it won’t matter if ev’ryone must die.
No, it won’t matter if ev’ryone must die.
Our final fate will face repeal
We’ll live forever
Under this new deal
We’ll be MADE IMMORTAL by Daylight Saving Time.
And it won’t matter if you are destined for Hell.
No, it won’t matter if you are destined for Hell.
Won’t matter if you’re bound for Hell,
Weighed down by evil,
And a ne’er-do-well.
Your SOUL IS SAVED by Daylight Saving Time.
It won’t matter, nope, no matter what.
No, it won’t matter, nope, no matter what.
It won’t matter, no matter what
If our solutions are scrambled
And our systems our shot.
We’ll pretend to fix it with Daylight Saving Time.