I’m of an age where I am starting to lose friends. Right now I have four people in my contacts list who have died. Cancer, congestive heart failure, cancer, cancer. And another friend recently diagnosed with stage four squamous cell carcinoma that has gone to all his lymph nodes and he’s not sure if he’ll be around next spring and I just watched him cry, although overall he has a great fuck-you attitude about it. (FUCK CANCER!)
It really sucks. I can’t bring myself to hit "Yes, delete Mary."But on the other hand, I get sad about the reminder every time I see that person listed.
I am no help, but I know what you mean. My late boyfriend is still in my contacts. As a matter of fact, I still have a voicemail message from him. It’s been there since 2011 and he died in 2012.
I don’t know, maybe someday I’ll be able to get rid of it all. But for now they’re still with me.
This is tough and I am broadly sentimental. But, however I got to this, I delete people’s entries when they pass out of my life (however they do so).
The feeling is more like this is one of the steps of acknowledging that the person has changed somehow, or perhaps like it is a putting away, or turning off the light when leaving the living room and heading off to bed. It’s not like I’m getting rid of them, getting them out of my way, tossing out the clutter. It’s like this is one of the stages, almost like this is for them, like a funeral or like helping deal with the affairs they left behind (for example I tend to inherit cats).
Colin Powell once gave an interview and got asked whether he ever looked back. He said no, that things in the past may have been wonderful but they are gone now, something like that. It was sad to hear but also true. It was touching. Maybe there’s an element here of how the future keeps coming and the living remain the living.
So, in a rare display of something that could pass for self discipline or efficiency, I do this stage too, and delete them. Fondly.
So far I have only lost one. First, I took her out of my phone but left her in my e-mail contacts. But her name kept popping up and making me sad, so I finally took her out of contacts. However, one’s deleted contacts stay there in limbo forever as far as I can tell, and that seems appropriate, as she is still in my memory.
Off topic, but related. My father passed away in 2003. I still have the answering machine with his voice on it and I can’t bear to erase it. I don’t have a landline anymore so I don’t use it, but I want to keep that last tangible reminder of him.
Mine are all still there too. Especially my late brother, who I lost in 2007. Every time I think about cleaning my contacts up, I realize that would mean taking David’s name out as well, and I just can’t do it. Maybe never.
Are you all me?
I still have an answering machine cassette with my Dad on it. I still have Vile Rat in my facebook, and on my phone, and I have a folder of his saved emails and chats. I have 5 or 6 of my more or less childhood friends contact stuff on my phone and on my computer.
I still have my late SO’s phone number in my contact list. It’s like a link to him. I also have a friend who passed the same year there and am still FB friends with one who committed suicide three years ago. I am also another with an answering machine tape of my late brother (I keep a micro cassette recorder just for this).
They’ve reminders of people who I loved, somewhat like photos.
I’ve deleted some now-dead contacts. Others I still have.
I also have work contacts for still-alive former coworkers who’ve long since left the company we shared; other than their name 100% of the contact info is now useless. And these aren’t even friends; just names from down the hall or the other building.
So clearly I don’t have a consistent policy on these things.
Having recently moved to a new city, I’m approaching the point of clearing out all the local retail contacts from the old city. At which point I’ll probably bite the bullet & remove all obsolete contacts regardless of why they’re obsolete. I’m never going to forget dear old now-departed Jim just because he’s not in my phone anymore.
When my Dad died the answering machine recording on his home phone was his voice and his wife’s. For the first month it was sort of comforting to have it around; she couldn’t bear to erase it and I understood completely. A couple months later it was creepy to call her about estate business and have departed Dad’s voice answer the phone. By 6 months I was really hoping she’d erase it. She finally did at about 8 months. That was good when it finally happened.
So well said! As people in my life have faded out (and that’s pretty much how it’s been: no big departures because old age has been the main culprit) it’s been easier for me to relate to how animals appear to deal with the whole business. There’s a brief period of grief and then a long period of whatever pleasant memories are left behind.
I’ve deleted some now dead contacts, including my late inlaws, and a couple of friends. Plus a few numbers that I know are long out of date, or I have no reason to ever call that person again (like work contacts who no longer work at my firm). But the husband and I share an icloud account, so they keep coming back whenever it auto-synchs. Annoying, frustrating and sad, but too much trouble get a separate icloud account.
When my best friend was killed I couldn’t bring myself to delete his contact but, as you said, I didn’t like the reminder. My solution to this problem, as my solution to every problem in life, it to ignore it and hope it gets better on its own. And it did: when I got a new phone I manually inputted contacts and just didn’t input that one.
That one took me 5 years but I eventually hit the delete button.
About 4 years ago, a casual friend (someone I worked with extensively in the 1990’s then maybe crossed paths with a time or two over the ensuing years) - took his own life.
I had friended him on Facebook, probably via a Facebook prompt as his e-mail was in my contacts. He was one of those people that sets up a Facebook account but never uses it - no photo or activity.
After his death I went to his page and realized I was his only FB friend. I cannot bring myself to unfriend him – I still get the occasion spam post from him as well as birthday reminders,
I realize I didn’t answer the OP’s basic question; I was so impressed by how Napier’s post addressed the underlying issue.
The only list I still have with departed people still in evidence is my email list. I have kept newsy messages and fun stuff that was sent by them, and I even have some of them on my addressee list. Just too lazy or something to remove their names. Little reminders, I guess.
They don’t have to be dead, and there are some I never had much back-and-forth with who may still be alive. Exes of people I care about (including family and close friends) are on a case-by-case basis. Some are gone but not all.
The most accurate answer in my case is the dreaded “it depends…”
Great opportunity for someone to write an app? Play a little slideshow of the person’s photos, touching song of your choice, etc. before they are removed from your device.
Sorry, just trying to lighten up the thread…I have run across the same issue for more than a few friends and family now.