I’m eager to hear from other Dopers who have dealt with an elderly family member with dementia. My 83-year old grandma was diagnosed last year with dementia, and from what I remember a pretty advanced level of it. Her car keys were taken from her then, too. We’ve had an older female family friend move in with her (she lives in a 3-bedroom house) as we didn’t feel comfortable with her living alone anymore, so far that’s worked out pretty well and she even seemed to improve a bit although every now and then she still asks why Sandy’s clothes are still in the bedroom. My dad has to remind her “because Sandy lives there!”.
So anyway, I hadn’t seen her in about a month and we had our whole family over for Thanksgiving - like 14 people. That little change in my grandma’s routine just sent her over the edge. The night before Thanksgiving she called my parents EIGHT times to ask who was picking her up, what was she bringing, whose house was she going, too, etc. EIGHT TIMES with the same questions in the course of 3 hours. The last 2 calls she was convinced we were all coming to her house but still asked who was picking her up. Then on Thanksgiving, Sandy told her it was time to go (she was driving her to my house) and my grandma had no idea what she was talking about - had no idea it was Thanksgiving, no idea she was supposed to be somewhere. Then the whole way over she kept telling Sandy not to take her to my house, to take her to her son’s house (my dad) because that’s where Thanksgiving is. She got to my house and just seemed amazed that we were all there, she kept saying, “this is all a surprise to me, I didn’t know we were doing this today” and despite the fact that I try to REALLY not get irritated or at least let it show I said “but Grandma it’s Thanksgiving” and she just said “I know happy thanksgiving”. Then all day she just kind of complained about everything, nothing was being served on time, the cookies were too hard, it was too cold in the house, every strange noise bothered her - which is NOT her personality at all. She was always the most tolerant, easy to please person I’ve ever known, just genuinely sweet and easygoing all her life. This “person” she’s become because of the dementia is heartbreaking and it’s crippling our family as none of us know how to deal with this or what to expect. Clearly a major holiday was so much for her to comprehend that she just couldn’t get a grasp on anything all day, and her memories were erased as fast as things happened. How can we pull together to help each other face her changing personality and needs, while addressing her issues with suddenly becoming more compative and stubborn, and occasionally saying inappropriate or mean-spirited things which I understand happens in people with dementia as they lose the ability to censor themselves. We are also concerned about Christmas - it’s generally a source of chaos for us as we have a 3-year old who’s all about running around, opening presents, singing songs, plus all the gift opening for the whole family, dinner, etc. we really feel is too much for her but don’t want to exclude her at all. Help… we just feel really lost and sad.