To put my information out there first, I don’t do drugs. I’m 19, I don’t smoke (tobacco or weed), and I don’t drink.
In the search for a future SO, I was thinking how greatly I would be limiting myself by not wanting to be with someone who smokes pot or gets completely drunk from time to time.
And then I was quite alarmed by the LSD thread by the seemingly high number of people who apparently indulge in more than just the “gateway drugs.”
So, do you think I’m being unreasonable? I just have a very hard time wanting to even associate with people who are always waiting for the moment they get done class so that they can get smashed or go light up a bowl…or…whatever the fuck these crazy kids do these days (God, I feel like I’ve been born in the wrong fucking century).
No, you’re not wrong. Stick to your standards. Drugs and overuse of alcohol can bring lots of woes into your life. If you don’t want to be with someone who over-imbibes, than don’t be. I, too, felt like this, and I’ve very luckily found someone who doesn’t do drugs at all, or use tobacco, or drink too much. Stay patient, you’ll find someone you can get along with who feels the same way you do.
I agree, don’t compromise your standards just to be with someone who isn’t your type. Addictive substance users and people who avoid such things don’t really go all that well together from personal experience. It causes alot of strain that can cause messy break-ups and alot of heartache.
You aren’t limiting yourself, you are just more clearly defining who you are and who you aren’t.
No, you’re not being unreasonable. You’re being realistic about whether or not you can live happily with certain lifestyle choices. Yes, it takes a lot of people out of the running as potential dates, but only people you probably wouldn’t be happy with anyway.
We’ve all made these kinds of choices. If I were turned loose on the dating scene tomorrow, I would flatly refuse to date women, men currently in other relationships, smokers, drug-users, parents, and animal-haters. Yeah, those criteria severely limit my dating options, but those are all things I just couldn’t live happily with and I see no point wasting my time on someone I can’t be happy with.
Over the years at various times I have been one of the “people who are always waiting for the moment they get done class so that they can get smashed or go light up a bowl” and I don’t think there is anything unreasonable about your attitude. You don’t have to just write off the likes of me though, even when I have been a drug/booze using slacker I was never so committed to it that I wouldn’t give it up when something better came along.
Not at all, Soapbox,. I’ve dated strait-laced girls and party girls and party girl-types can be a lot more hassle if you’re not into it. And I tried to be into the party scene, but it’s just not me. I’ve also dated a smoker and while she was a nice person, it’s not something I’d do again. My allergies, for one, can’t take cigarette smoke and spending every evening coughing is not the thrill it once was.
Now, I wouldn’t eliminate, say, anyone who’s smoked pot ever or someone who gets drunk from time to time, but I assume you’re talking about the regular-user types, not the occasionals. I don’t leave the house much, but I like a beer once in a while and get completely schnockered once a year or so.
Do what you want, but know that your opinions will change over time, and at such a young age you are likely to be somewhat brainwashed about the Evil Devil Weed and Occasional Bender, our tax dollars at work.
If your boyfriend tokes on the weekends with his friends or gets drunk once in a while, it’s not necessarily the end all be all.
I have a friend whose husband doesn’t drink or smoke (and never did), but she does and they’ve been together for 30 years.
Lighten up and open up. Drugs are not the end of the world. Hell, you might even find a scene where you can say that your horizon is more expansive than peeking over the edge of the rut that has become your life.
Mine doesn’t, and I don’t date people who I define as “idiots” which includes people who regularly get drunk or do drugs. I’ve seen people who are drunk. No offense intended, but I find them boring. As for people who do drugs to expand their horizons or to make life more interesting, I’m afraid I’ve other ways of expanding my horizons and making life more interesting. If they’re doing drugs to make me more interesting, I’d say they’re better off without me.
Soapbox Monkey, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but then again, your standards match mine. I don’t hang out in singles bars because I’m not what the people there are looking for, and they’re not what I’m looking for. On the other hand, I regard science fiction conventions, Mensa orgies - er - RGs and Games Nights, and Geek Nights as good places to meet men, not to mention the good old SDMB. Yes, I’m a nerd, and proud of it! I’ve spent hours in conversations covering religion, politics, medieval history, and all sorts of fascinating ideas. I’ve received neck massages which have disabled my speech centers and left me glowing with pleasure. This devout Christian has even had marvelous discussions about religion and the unverse while sitting in a hot tub naked with Wiccans and other pagans who were also naked.
I would argue that I’ve got a hedonistic streak as wide as anyone “waiting for the moment they get done class so that they can get smashed” yet my hedonism takes a different form. I’ll drink when it seems appropriate and when there’s something around I like the taste of. I don’t do drugs because the potential benefit doesn’t strike me as worth the money, hassle, and risk. If I don’t enjoy the company I’m keeping sober, why would I want to go through what it would take to enjoy it high?
You, better than anyone else, even at 19, know what’s right for you. By all means ask for advice and read it with an open mind, but do what suits you, not what suits the rest of the world. I’m lousy at being conventional, whatever that happens to include at the moment, but I’ve finally got the hang of being me. The latter is much more fun.
As the daughter of an alcoholic, I can personally tell you that being married to one is no picnic. I watched my father go into deep debt trying to get her help that never worked. I saw my mother lie and steal, even from me to get the money to buy the booze, later to buy drugs. I managed to turn out alright, but my sister is still suffering the effects of dealing with her. After 20 years, my dad gave up and got a divorce. It’s not worth it.
My first marriage ended up breaking up because he wasn’t going to change to stop drugs, I wasn’t going to change to like them (that and he was going through a sexual harassament suit he’d not told me about).
I held out for a drug free SO and that’s what I got.
Don’t look at it so much as “limiting yourself” but “whittling down the field from the get-go”. Good luck.
It’s a lifestyle choice, Soapbox Monkey. A healthy relationship is between two people with compatible lifestyles. Given that you don’t even want to associate with people of a certain lifestyle, then logically you won’t find an SO from among such people. So find the lifestyle you do enjoy, and look to meet people with compatible styles.
Best of luck!
(IMHO: My answer to the thread title is, “Don’t.”)
Are you actually SUGGESTING that I try drugs before I knock them? Because that’s the impression I’m getting from you. And if that’s the case, who do you think you are to suggest a thing like that!?
That’s what really pisses me off, people who say “don’t knock drugs til you try them” and then they go around talking shit about non-users because they DON’T use drugs. Why has choosing NOT to do drugs made me a horrible person?
Don’t waste your time with substance users/abusers it that is not something you enjoy.
I didn’t realize how much my ex drank (etc) when we were dating. Years later, when I realized how much his habits rules our lives, I told him this was a problem for me. After more time and discussion, we separated. It still took a while to unwind the whole affair and much drama ensued. He really just had no contol regarding this are of his life, and it frustrates me to think about the time, money, and energy spent on his habits that could have been better used elsewhere. I got tired of being the responsible (read sober) one. It seemed to me he became a fun leech and I wound up being a babysitter. I couldn’t relax because I knew I couldn’t count on him (to get things done, to get home safely, to not act wierd, etc). I consider my six years with him wasted except to know that I don’t like drunks.
When dating my current DH, we talked about this early. I told him I didn’t want to be a part of the drug and alcohol group. I would have quit dating him over it and not regretted it.
There’s a time and a place for everything, and it’s called college…
You’re 19, and you will find a larger percentage of users in your age range than if you were 30. If you don’t want to deal with the other type of doper, then don’t (and I won’t blame you). My point is that if you were 30 and asked the same question, I’d say don’t rule out someone who used recreationally in the past, but is clean now. A lot of the responses you saw fall into that category.
I’d avoid a recovering addict in any case. Someone with a true addiction could fall off the wagon, and really mess things up.
Oh and if you ass squeaks, then be proud of it. I think Mr. Stone is looking to have his weenie whacked…
I get the same sort of thing from people all the time. Fortunately I have a lot of close friends that accept my choices and don’t question them (that is not drinking, not doing drugs, not smoking - many people don’t believe it, but I’ve never done any of these things in my life)
Most of this stems from bad experiences when I was younger, having a dad and step-mom that were complete alcoholics and fairly big drug abusers. 95% of the people I’ve met accept this about me and don’t question it. I don’t preach to them about how they shouldn’t be doing that stuff, and they don’t preach to me about how I should. Heck most of my friends drink occasionally, I hang around with them, it doesn’t bother me, plus I usually get free food and soft drinks because I’m assumed to be the designated driver.
But that leaves the other 5% of people I’ve dealt with. For some reason, they just can’t accept my choice. Usually I just ignore these people. Sometimes they entertain me. I had a former co-worker that swore they would get me drunk… Hasn’t happened, I made this choice and I’m going to stick with it.
The most entertaining experience dealing with this was when some guy I don’t know (friend of a friend of a friend sort of thing) went off on me about how if I don’t try drugs or alcohol I’ll “never know my true self.” Hmm, how does chemically altering your brain functions reveal your true self?
So, back to the topic… There are good potential SOs out there who have similar lifestyle choices to yours (hey, I’m proof of it, and I have several friends just like me in that respect). It might take a bit of effort, but you’ll find one eventually. Trust me, it’s better than putting up with the alternative
Yes, but only when I’m wearing my latex dominatrix hotpants!
Seriously, I’d say your “arse” squeaks more than mine. In other words, you’re more uptight, and narrow minded than we are, it’s been demonstrated by your rudeness in this thread.
Oh, yeah, you’re a fun one, aren’t you. :rolleyes:
IMO, you would be limiting yourself if you dated someone who has a drug or alcohol problem. You know what you want and don’t want in an SO. You’re way ahead of a lot of 19-year-olds. So why settle? Be patient, make yourself the best you that you can be, and you’ll meet who you’re supposed to meet.
Trust me, you do not want the heartache of being with a drug or alcohol addict.
In addition to what has already been said, it’s boring being involved with someone whose leisure time revolves around something that you’re not interested in, whether that be drinking, smoking pot, watching sports, gaming, underwater basket weaving, or whatever.
I’ve spent hours in conversations covering religion, politics, medieval history, and all sorts of fascinating ideas. I’ve received neck massages which have disabled my speech centers and left me glowing with pleasure. This devout Christian has even had marvelous discussions about religion and the unverse while sitting in a hot tub naked with Wiccans and other pagans who were also naked.