Dealing with passive-aggressive people

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hey there,

I have a very good friend, possibly my best friend, I’ll call him John.

John has a friend, I’ll call him Tim. Tim probably also regards John as his best friend. There’s certainly no issues with me on that.

Because I am so close to John, I see a reasonable amount of Tim. Tim and I could be described as “friends”, but the connection is definitely maintained through John. If John were to be removed from the picture, I’m not sure how much of Tim I would see.

I have a significant issue with Tim that has been brewing for some time, and it’s got me almost at breaking point: He is very passive aggressive.

By passive aggressive, I mean, he constantly attacks, criticises, undermines, mocks and belittles the people around him, but will always do it in a kind of underhanded manner, that makes it very difficult to “prove” that’s what he’s doing. For example, he might say something that is clearly hurtful, but will say it in a sarcastic/joking kind of way, and then keep laughing after he has said it, almost as though to act that he’s naive that what he’s just said or done is inappropriate. Here are some examples which, on their own might appear minor, but when strung together in a constant barrage if needling attacks, becomes exhausting to deal with.

Example 1:
(4 of us sitting around talking):
Me (excitedly): Hey! I just found out that my uncle is going to be on xyz TV show.
Tim (very sarcastically playing off my excited tone): Oh wwwwooooooooooowwwww!!! (looks at other people in the conversation and laughs).

Example 2:
(I arrive in the lounge room, but stand off to the side eating something)
Tim (very sarcastically): Uhm, KellyCriterion, you do realise that you don’t have to stand over there, and that you can join us on the couch over here right? I mean, you do realise that, don’t you? (looks at others and laughs).

Example 3:
(After I make some dessert for myself).
Tim (sarcastic tone): Err, KellyCriterion, you do realise that you don’t have to eat dessert just because there’s some in the fridge? (Then laughs hysterically while shaking his head).

As I said, on their own, there’s probably not a whole lot to make of these things. The problem is that they are just unending, to the point that when I am around Tim, I constantly thinking of everything I say and do, trying to avoid saying or doing anything that will allow him to pounce.

The point of this is, I’m not sure I really want to associate with Tim anymore. The problem is, we both share a very good mutual friend in John. I really feel as though I have to get these issues off my chest to someone who is a mutual friend, and John seems like the most logical choice. The thing is, John certainly regards Tim as one of his closest friends, and I am not sure how he will react. Additionally, it is certainly not my intention to break up the friendship of John and Tim. I just don’t want to see much of Tim anymore, but it’s important to me that he knows why. Last weekend, John couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t go to Tim’s house to watch a sports game, and John knows me well enough to know that the excuse I used for getting out of it was pretty weak. It annoys me that I feel I have to lie to my good friend John, due to the way Tim behaves.

So… I don’t really want to ask any direct questions here, but I would love to hear from other people who have had to deal with passive-aggressive types of people. If there was no strong social tie with them, I am guessing you can just cut them off, but what do you do when you both have a close mutual friend? Should I tell John about my feelings? Should I try other ways of approaching Tim about his behaviour? (Any casual approach results in Tim accusing his confronter of not having a sense of humour, or taking themselves too seriously, or not understanding that he was “only joking”).

Any help, thoughts or experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

2

I had a work colleague like this. She was trying to bully me, but I wasn’t going to take it. Hopefully what I did will work for you.

You make him clarify his statements every damned time he makes them. In a neutral, slightly confused, enquiring tone. A tone that clearly shows you don’t find what he said funny, but also doesn’t show that what he said has offended you.

Example 1:
(4 of us sitting around talking):
Me (excitedly): Hey! I just found out that my uncle is going to be on xyz TV show.
Tim (very sarcastically playing off my excited tone): Oh wwwwooooooooooowwwww!!! (looks at other people in the conversation and laughs).
You: That sounded a bit sarcastic, Tim. Do you not think being on a TV show is cool? I’m really excited for my uncle.

Example 2:
(I arrive in the lounge room, but stand off to the side eating something)
Tim (very sarcastically): Uhm, KellyCriterion, you do realise that you don’t have to stand over there, and that you can join us on the couch over here right? I mean, you do realise that, don’t you? (looks at others and laughs).
** You: What’s wrong with where I’m standing?**

Example 3:
(After I make some dessert for myself).
Tim (sarcastic tone): Err, KellyCriterion, you do realise that you don’t have to eat dessert just because there’s some in the fridge? (Then laughs hysterically while shaking his head).
** You: What’s wrong with me eating dessert?**

And when you get the ‘I was only joking’ statement back, you allow an awkward pause, and then go, ‘Oh, were you?’ as if you’re genuinely confused as to why he would think what he said was funny. Then move the conversation on, as in ‘So anyway, my uncle’s going to be on this show! Isn’t that cool?’

Just out of interest, does he treat anyone else this way? I’m wondering if you’ve been singled out for treatment because he sees you as competition.

3

I had this situation arise recently. My friend, E, is really lovely, and I like hanging out with her. However, she has a friend, H, whom I initially got along with but now can’t stand.

H’s problem is that she will continually interrupt you to talk about H. If you are talking about a subject that H doesn’t know anything about, like the SDMB, H will jump in and talk about how many people follow her on Twitter. If you have good knowledge of a subject, such as book binding, H will talk over you, contradict you, and tell you that you’re wrong. After about an hour of talking around H, I will just give up and let her prattle on about H, and then I will make excuses and leave.

E noticed this, and I felt bad because of course I like hanging out with E. I would do it more if circumstances allowed. So of course I had to say something. But E, for whatever reason, likes H. Better woman than I.

So I told her, but I made a point of telling her WITHOUT bitching about how much I hate H, and WITHOUT specifics. Kind of like when your parents divorce they really shouldn’t bitch about each other in front of you, because that causes harm to their relationship with you. I let E know that I liked E very much, but I couldn’t stand H for more than an hour, without saying that she’s a narcisistic idiot. Then I asked her if she wanted to go out for lunch.

Everything has been fine since then. E was concerned but understanding (told you she was wonderful!) and I haven’t had to see H for more than a few minutes in passing.

4

[QUOTE=sandra_nz;11530947You make him clarify his statements every damned time he makes them. In a neutral, slightly confused, enquiring tone. A tone that clearly shows you don’t find what he said funny, but also doesn’t show that what he said has offended you.
[/QUOTE]

Yep. Nine minutes to the answer. Exceedingly easy and non-confrontational. I’ve faced off a few similar louts and chuckleheads in college and offices from time to time. In the admittedly small number of times it’s gotten out of hand, the “neutral, slightly confused, inquiring tone” is the easiest and most effective way of handling it. Just brush the sarcasm aside (and make sure you don’t come across as sarcastic yourself) and innocently respond to the person at face value.

5

Thanks for the responses so far, it’s actually quote therapeutic to read about experiences other people have had with these types of people. The habitual “neutral, slightly confused, enquiring tone” responses sounds like it might be worth a shot, but what is the intended goal? What effect is this likely to have? And if I always respond with a question, that will be an easy lead in for Tim to shoot back with more sarcasm. How is that then handled?

6

Well he’s the only one laughing at his jokes, right? If he has to explain himself every time, it won’t seem so funny anymore, and he’ll look like an asshole for picking on you. Hopefully he’ll stop when he sees that it takes so much effort. So by all means, call him out on it.

BTW, is this actually passive aggressive behavior, or is he just a sarcastic underminer?

7

I think ‘sarcastic undermining’ is a passive-aggressive behaviour. Any action that allows the perpetrator enough room to proclaim innocence when confronted is a passive-aggressive act.

8

No, just cowardly. “Passive-agressive” is more things like never keeping their end of promises.

I 20th the “channel Miss Piggy” recommendation. Or Nabiki Tendo, your choice.

9

Hrm. I’d call it just jerkishness. (Not to split hairs; I was told that ‘passive agression’ is the act of withholding an action or reward- the passiveness being the -not- doing something to help / encourage someone else. I could, of course, be completely wrong about this.)
This being said, I’ll go on the bandwagon with the ‘clarification’ route. Challenge them on what they mean… Although… From your own above-mentioned definition, such a thing could be looked at as ‘passive-agressive’ as well.

10

Hmm, I could have the definition wrong, but wikipedia offers this as an example of passive-aggressive behaviour:

11

The intended goal is to make it clear to the person that you don’t find what they are saying funny, but to do it in a neutral way so that (a) you’re not being an asshole about it and (b) it makes them look like an asshole if they then take offense at you.

Exactly the same way, or with a pregnant pause and then ‘Anyway, so my uncles going to be on this show and everyone’s really excited…,’ turning the conversation back to what it previously was.

These people will sometimes be confrontational…

‘What’s wrong with you? I’m just kidding with you! Don’t you have a sense of humour?’
…to which the response is, ‘Oh, you were trying to be funny? I didn’t get it,’ and then move the conversation back to what the original topic was.

I had to be quite confrontational with my person.

When she said something particularly bad to me (I recall she called me a ‘fucking idiot’ for doing something wrong when I was being trained by her), and I called her on it, her response was ‘I was just kidding, geez, don’t take it so personal.’

To which I responded something along the lines of, ‘To be honest, you came across as being really sarcastic and I don’t like being talked to in that tone. I’d appreciate it if you could speak to me nicely in future.’ It was just the two of us at that time, which meant she was less inclined to continue with the sarcasm (because sarcasm requires an audience) and actually took on board what I said.

12

My husband has slight passive-agressive tendencies, but thankfully it’s never about anything big, and he’s aware of it and tries his best to avoid it. He does slip, sometimes, though, and I have to point out to him that he’s doing it.

For example:

One of his pet-peeves about me is that I tend to leave trash out on the counter, even when the trash can is right there. (I know, horrible awful habit of mine that he’s entirely correct to be annoyed by–I’m working on it.) Like the other day when I cut the tags off a couple of new shirts, I left them sitting on the bathroom counter instead of trashing them. So he comes out to the living room holding the tags and asks me, “Are we saving these for anything? Or can I throw them away?” when he knows damn well that they’re trash, and that it was just me being lazy/messy. But that’s his way of telling me that he noticed.

It’s super-annoying. I honestly wish he’d either just throw the tags away himself and move on with life, wait for me to throw them away myself (which would happen before the day is over…I do a daily pickup/cleaning), or come to me and say, “Honey, you left those tags out on the counter again. Can you please try to be tidier?” Any of those would work for me.

Ah, married life. The things they don’t tell you beforehand.

Sorry, this hasn’t been helpful at all to the OP. But I agree with everyone else…confront him every time it happens. Make him explain himself. He might not even realize he’s doing it.

13

I’ve personally had most luck not with questions, but with blandly and innocently misunderstanding the sniping, and on occasion feigning deafness. Respond to everything as though it’s meant in a non-goading way, and be so occupied with what you’re doing that anything you can’t deflect…why you must have just not heard it. At that point, you cease to be any fun.

Take my husband’s uncle like this. No, please, take him, we’re begging. At one family gathering he was attempting to needle me about our decision not to have children. I was working on a quilt for my brother’s impending baby, and he pointed out I needed to make myself one of those. So I proceeded to tell him all about the lap blanket I was planning for myself, and all the ones we wanted to make as Christmas gifts for my family. No, no, he clarified that I needed to be making me a baby blanket. So I simply said that we weren’t having kids. He may have said something about sometimes these things just happen, but I was concentrating so hard on my sewing that I didn’t hear him if he did. And, of course, at no point did I think that no, these things typically don’t if, unlike his older daughter, one ever uses birth control. At that point, he got frustrated and left to go annoy someone else.

The beauty of the system is that can’t push very hard to clarify themselves without looking like huge assholes. In your first example, you act as though the “oooooh” isn’t sarcastic, that he’s genuinely excited for your uncle. “I know, isn’t that great? He’s been working so hard on xyz, and now it’s finally paying off. We’re so proud of him!” What’s the passive-aggressive dillhole gonna say to that? “No, I was being sarcastic, that’s a stupid thing to be excited about”? In any decent company, that will go over like a turd in a punchbowl, so he pretty much has to let it go by.

Of course, the real beauty is that you get to sit back and inwardly giggle at his frustration and impotence because it just absolutely kills these people to try pushing buttons and fail miserably.

14

I agree that asking for clarification every time he does it is a good way to handle it.

15

I like how CrazyCatLady and sandra_nz think.

16

See, I read this and I think, “Well, of course he asks! The one time he just assumes the thing is trash, it won’t be, and then he’ll look like an inconsiderate jerk for tossing it or making a deal of it.” In my case, asking if the tags should be saved wouldn’t be at all passive-aggressive; I’d honestly want to make sure they were something to be tossed. Of course, you know your situation better than I do, but that’s what I’m reading in it.

17

Thanks for all the advice. I’m not sure the whole “puzzled response” thing is going to work. It’s not a response that is going to come easy to me, and when I try and imagine it in my head, I imagine that he’s just going to twist my puzzled response in to more passive-aggressive behaviour.

18

The most important thing, is that you don’t give this guy what he wants - the feeling that his opinion is important and can hurt your feelings.

As far as him twisting you, you have to be absolutely relentless in not reacting emotionally as if his opinion has any value. That means not getting upset OR angry - both of which are delicious snack treats of emotional manipulation to this emotional vampire.

However, you should expect the behavior to escalate before it disappears. He will try harder and harder when you fail to react according to the established script.

19

Since you aren’t comfortable with the puzzled response…level with John. Just say Tim is too sarcastic for you, and while you understand he’s a good friend of John’s, you can only put up with him for maybe an hour once in a while.

20

I think pretending not to understand this person’s sniping is the actual passive-aggressive behavior. Feigning innocence while trying to to make a provocative, insulting, or annoying statement is pretty much my working definition of sniping/passive-aggressive behavior.

I wouldn’t say that the examples used in the OP of Tim’s comments are those of a douchebag, not someone trying to feign cooperation while undermine another.

If I were to respond to the comments, I’d suggest being more direct, maybe things like, “That’s a very rude comment, and you should apologize,” “I’m comfortable where I am,” or “I don’t appreciate your tone with that remark.” Who knows, maybe the guy just acts like a jerk because you’re letting him get away with it. If he takes offense, so be it.

But my personal response to those comments would just be to tell John that you find Tim to be very rude towards you and it is very hard to have a good time when Tim is laughing at your expense. Then avoid the guy as much as possible.