What do you think of when you think of passive aggression?

I think of someone saying “I’m just mad at myself.”

I think of someone prefacing an obviously personal remark with “don’t take this personally.”

What epitomizes passive aggression, to you? What do you think of when you think of passive aggression?

Punishing someone, especially punishing someone without telling them that you are punishing them, or why you are doing it.

Doing things that show you’re angry at someone, rather than telling them you’re angry at them and explaining the reasons why.

In my opinion, it’s a form of cowardice.

On the other hand, that could fit plain old aggression, too, like walking up and socking the offender in the face without any words.

Aggression is direct. Passive aggression is indirect. Punch your roommate in the face, that’s aggression. Refuse to take out the trash when asked, that’s passive aggression. You’re not doing anything to them, but you’re still trying to punish them.

Most of the population of Portland, OR.

Elaborate on this; I’m in Seattle and I love to make fun of Portland. :smiley:

And a hearty golf clap to you Chef.

Being aggressive by not doing things, rather than by doing them.

In a recent Pit thread, rachelellogram talked about her roommate’s passive-aggressive behavior, repeatedly putting a magnet over his sister’s face in a photograph on the fridge. To me, that’s outright aggression. It’s nonviolent and nonverbal, but it’s aggression.

Passive-aggressive would be the roommate never cleaning the hamster’s cage. It would be the work colleague who never gets a job done because he “tried but got confused” and never asked for help. It’s the spouse who gets real quiet when he’s upset.

Is it, though? Wouldn’t it be more aggressive if she stomped into rachelellogram’s room and said ‘Get your goddam photo off my goddam fridge right now’?

The passive part is that she clearly has an issue with the photo, but she hasn’t told rachelellogram what that issue is.

I started a thread some time ago called “Passive-aggressive Portland”. The search feature just gave me a blank stare and timed out, though. Basically, people are just too hip, cool and laid back to be bothered with doing difficult things like returning phone calls, showing up for appointments, etc. Portland has a rep for being a very friendly city, and people really are usually very friendly. I think the backlash to this relentless cheerfulness is that they have a deep-seated hostility because of all the niceness, and take it out on customers and others by being unavailable. It’s infuriating, to say the least.

I would say that passive aggression is aggressive behavior subtle enough that you risk seeming paranoid or defensive if you confront it. The case of the refrigerator magnet is a clear example of passive aggression, because if you confront the other person about it, they can always claim you’re blowing up over nothing.

My Intro to Personality professor always said that the perfect example of passive aggression was a scenario that plays out when a couple is trying to decide where to have dinner. It goes something like this:

Partner 1: What do you want to eat?
P2: I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine.
P1: How about Chinese?
P2: I’m not really in the mood for Chinese.
P1: Italian?
P2: I had that yesterday for lunch.
P1: Mexican?
P2: I don’t like Mexican.
P1: Hamburgers?
P2: No.

Thus, they have a decision to make together, but one partner refuses to give any suggestions or input and rejects all of the other partner’s suggestions out of hand. They may or may not give reasons why they are rejecting, but they generally aren’t helpful reasons. Anyone who has been through this regularly knows that it can be maddening.

It’s been several years since I took that class, but it’s one of the things that stuck with me. As someone who doesn’t care about food that much, I try to be mindful to at least either provide my limitations up front, or offer a suggestion in exchange for any rejection. I also am quick to stop going to lunch with people who hold up but do not assist in the decision-making.

Thanks for the flashback. :smack:

And then when the exchange has ground right to a halt she says “What. Do. You. Want. To. Do???” or “Why is it always my decision?”

runs screaming out of thread

It’s what my mother used to call any upset reaction other than screaming at the other person.

I have a LOT to say on this topic, but I think I’ll just keep it to myself. Oh, no reason.

I only agree with this to a point; many people get quiet instead of blowing up. It’s when you continue in silence instead of making an effort to work things out after your first blush of anger has faded that it become passive-aggressive (see also the classic - “If you don’t know what’s wrong, I’m not going to tell you.”)

I’m not making the connection between hostility and niceness.

How and when does niceness cause hostility? Does it work in reverse? Ie, could much hostility be avoided by being not-nice but not-hostile - say, curt or formal or cold?

Passive-aggression is also an excellent catchall for any resistance to authority - especially one that’s been planned to be difficult to punish, or to quietly undermine said authority.

That’s what I always think of when the phrase passive-aggressive comes up. The aggressive part is that the person will get what they want, but they will do it passively.

When I was with an ex-girlfriend and we were going to go out to dinner, I would ask her what she was in the mood for since she was in sales traveling out of town most of the week. One day she blew up and asked why I didn’t suggest a place in the first place. After that the game began as described. I would suggest places that she would turn down for vague reasons until either I hit on the place she wanted to go to or she suggested what she had wanted all along. It was a minor annoyance, but once I figured it out I just played the game.

Full disclosure: I can be passive-aggressive in much the same way described.

“Nice”, for some people, means being non-aggressive, letting other people have their way, not imposing. If you are raised to be “nice”, the only way you ever GET your way is through back channels–you can’t state what you want, because that’s not nice by definition. So the stronger the social norm is to be “nice”, the more people will resort to passive aggressive behaviors to get what they want.

As far as the “where to eat” game goes, here is a good technique: One person names three places they’d be willing to eat, and the other picks one of the three.