I met a woman a few months ago, we went on a couple of dates, and decided we were better off just being friends. She’s involved with another guy now and is very happy. Good for her. She’s awesome.
She once dated a guy she met in Israel, I think for 8 years. In November he broke up with her. Now he’s back in the US, and is calling her or her mother every day. She said that he called 12 times in 3 days. That was a week ago. One day since then, he called her mother 7 times in one day. And whenever he calls, he talks about marriage. As she says, “Nothing works - talking to him doesn’t work, yelling doesn’t work, and ignoring him doesn’t work. He has never hurt me (well, he hurt my feelings) so I doubt he’d do anything like that, but I just really wish he’d leave me alone.”
What would you do? Can one get a restaining order just for phone calls?
I’d block his number. Your friend can also have the phone company initiate an investigation for telephone harassment. She needs to document each time he calls, and what was said. She should also look into what the phone recording laws are in her state, and record some calls. Her mother needs to do the same.
In the Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker suggests not changing the number (because that might just encourage him to find the new one), but keeping the old number with an answering machine message (NOT the woman’s voice, incidentally, so he won’t call just to hear her), and never calling back. Oh, and also getting a new number for regular use and not telling him, so he won’t think “Oh, number disconnected, she’s not listening.” I don’t know how well it actually works but people seem to swear by the Gift of Fear.
That should be in the front section of the phone book. Or she can call them and find out how to do it.
If the creep does come around in person, then it is time for a restraining order. But try the phone thing first. It may be enough to discourage him from personal visits.
I agree. What you’re trying to do is defuse the situation without escalating it. Restraining orders should only be used as a last resort, if the guy is dangerous. Generally, starve him out.
Can she just let it ring? Can’t she see that it’s him on her caller ID?
I dunno…everything I’ve ever read about stalkers says these things start small and get bigger as the delusion grows. Kinda scary, especially since he’s stalking her mother, too. Sure would be nice if she could somehow scare some sense into him.
Does the woman know of any relatives or anything that she could contact? One thing that I think may not be addressed in “stalker” situtions like this is that the perpetrator may have Asperger’s Syndrome. They are very emotionally needy so when there’s attention shown, they go overboard with trying to make a “connection” …and the object of the harrassment feels like it’s gone overboard.
The guy doesn’t sound dangerous…Heck, with the advent of stuff like AIM etc I’m sure we’ve all encountered weird people like this…I dealt with someone constantly IMing me asking me if I wanted to “play” (sexually) It was clear that he didn’t think he was going overboard. And one of my friends has endured a person throwing herself on him.
My verdict…It’s not exactly stalking…but it is harrassment. It might be b/c the perp is an out of it doofus with no social skills.
One thing I remember from The Gift of Fear regarding answering phone calls from someone obsessed is that if the person calls forty times and you finally answer or call them back, all you’ve taught them is that it takes 40 calls and they get what they want.
Well it’s hard to say whether it’s a Gift of Fear sitution. We don’t really know the details, beyond what a second party is telling us.
Due to that it’s hard to say whether it’s a batshit nuts person or just a very out of it Aspie.
Or someone who’s suddenly decided he wants to stay in the US and the easiest way will be to marry her, since she loves him so much. The idea that she’s gotten over him hasn’t crossed his mind.
Usually yes, she lets it ring through. One time she forgot to check caller ID and picked up without thinking. I’m guessing that that’s when she told him to never call again.
The idea that he’s just after a green card is an interesting one. I’ll have to ask her about that.
What I find interesting is that after 8 years, he’s the one that broke up with her, and now he wants her back. I went through something similar recently. She begged me repeatedly to marry her, and all I wanted was out of it. Once I was out, I realized how much I wanted her, and suddenly she went cold. I made one attempt to win her back and failed. I was really tempted to try again, but no way am I going down that road. But it’s a classic example of how we want what we can’t have, and don’t value that which we do have. Maybe that’s what’s going on with this guy.
I own about 1000 bookmarks, and they’re in the middle of about 1000 books I have yet to finish. I need to get through at least 10 of those before I can think of starting something new.