Here’s the short version of the story:
My girlfriend had a long term relationship that ended really badly and left her emotionally vulnerable. So she got desperate and trying to get over her past relationship she hooked up with the first guy available, Mr. Psycho.
I met Mr. Psycho once, when they were still dating and I immediately noticed that there’s something weird about him. He’s a nerdy looking guy, rather short, thin, wears glasses and his hair starts thinning on top. He’s in his early thirties but looks (and dresses) like mid 40s.
As my girlfriend told me, this guy was really weird. He had several OCD tendencies, like brushing his teeth and washing his hands all the time. Also they barely ever met or went out, he was making up excuses all the time to avoid seeing her. Eventually she got fed up with him and they split up
Now it is five months since they split and the guy two months ago started calling her again, several times a day, every day. For the first few times she picked up the phone and told him it is over and to leave her alone. The guy told her it won’t be over so easily and simply kept calling after that. Now she will just let the phone ring without answering, but the guy won’t take the message to stop calling. My girlfriend is afraid of him and wants to move to another house and change her phone numbers.
I personally don’t think he’s the violent type of psycho and maybe she’s overreacting. But in any way his constant calls are getting on our nerves. What can she (we) do about it? Should she keep ignoring his phone calls until he gets bored and goes away? Should she call the police? File a Restraining order? Maybe I could pay him a visit and rough him up?
As I am learning the hard way, she shouldn’t ever respond to his communication attempts. No emails, no phone calls, nothing. She should document encounters, yes, but she shouldn’t ever try to sustain a conversation of any length about any topic.
Get a deep voiced male friend (not you) to leave a new voicemail message for her. Nothing but “Hi, you have reached (number), leave a message at the tone”.
Doesn’t say a name, doesn’t say it belongs to him, just says that you’ve reached number N and you should leave a message. Easy enough to explain to other friends and family that she’s been getting random calls and needs to temporarily hide the fact that the line still belongs to her.
If he does run into the two of you, it isn’t your voice on the greeting and she can say that she changed her number without having to change her number.
Seriously, I wouldn’t blame her if she got an unlisted number but it’s probably just going to cause the guy to escalate. At some point, someone - her, the police, you, a judge, someone - is going to need to get through to him that this is unacceptable. I’d go ahead and talk to the police and possibly get lawyer consult.
I’d say block the number before trying a restraining order, unless your girlfriend as some reason to think the psycho ex might be violent. At the moment this stalking is phone centric and there is always the chance that it could be that easy to make it go away.
If he ever shows up in person or switches to calling from other phones, don’t hesitate to get the police involved. That he waited 3 months before beginning to harass her is somewhat worrisome in and of itself (suggests that something changed in his life that made him less stable). It’s probably nothing…but either of those signs would indicate escalation on his part and it isn’t worth taking the risk.
Is anyone else hearing Michael Scott - “I’m going to make this much harder than it has to be?”
I think the worst thing you could do is go rough him up (can we assume you were joking about that?). I don’t think, “He was calling my girlfriend” is a defense against assault charges. She needs to take care of him through proper channels - no contact with him, change her phone number, tell everyone she knows not to communicate with him, move and get a restraining order if necessary. It sucks when someone has to change their own life because someone else is an asshole, but that is often a reality.
ETA: Don’t assume she’s overreacting - men don’t know what it’s like to be a woman and to feel vulnerable in so many ways.
When I’ve had this issue in the past (whether my own psycho ex or a g/f’s psycho ex), the phone company has told me they cannot block numbers. I’ve heard this recommendation often enough over the years to assume that this must be a local thing, but it’s still not an option here.
Apparently the inability to block numbers through the phone company is common enough that apps exist for jailbroken iPhones and Windows handsets that intercept undesired numbers and keep them from ringing through.
I’ve called the phone company to have them block numbers before. Granted, this was Qwest and in the late 90’s so I’m sure it could have changed by now. She definitely needs to not encourage any kind of communication with him at all. I like the idea of changing the voice on her voicemail.
As someone with my own crazy ex to deal with, don’t ever assume that she’s overreacting. People who are crazy are literally capable of anything, whether it’s legal or not.
How much of what you listed has he any control over? Sure, he could start dressing differently, but he’s not being a short, thin, nerdy-looking, balding glasses-wearer on purpose, surely?
I’d recommend getting her Gavin de Becker’s book The Gift of Fear. It’s been a while since I read it, but his research and analysis cautions that some semi-stalking people can actually be spurred to more action, rather than scared away, by a restraining order, and that there may be other things you can do first or in addition. I don’t know if this is a case like that or not, but she should really check it out and at least learn some more ways to deal with this. There’s a chapter in there explicitly on dates who won’t give up.
Scanning available features listed in the front of my phone book
Call Block - Blocks calls from numbers on Call Block List
Here’s a good one.
Custom Call Forwarding - Only calls from Custom Call Forward List will be forwarded.
Set it up to forward calls from psycho to Dog80 or to the local police dept.
These options may not be available for you, but check to see if they are. I also second the suggestions about changing the answering machine message and answering the phone for her.
I think you can also call the phone company to report harassing phone calls. I’m not sure what their options are, but they should be able to do something.
Thank you all for the replies, but I am getting some seriously mixed messages here. Some of you say to confront him directly, others say to ignore him completely and change phone numbers. Others say to file a restraining order while some others that a restraining order will enrage him more!
Of course you’re right. I generally do not feel threatened even when I am walking alone at night through the bad parts of the city. But on the other hand I am a big, rather muscular guy, reasonably fit, with some martial arts experience. I can (or think I can) defend myself if the need arises. I can see why a woman might be afraid, especially when dealing with a psychologically unstable person.
I was tired when I wrote this so I didn’t make it very clear. I was simply describing the guy and why I believe he’s not much of a threat. There’s definitely nothing wrong or weird with his looks, and he is not unattractive. Besides, the description I gave fits something like 20% of the male population. Meet him on the street and you’ll think he’s your normal everyday guy. But have a 5 minute talk with him and you’ll get all kinds of wrong vibes.
She may very well ignore his overreaction to her peril. The guy calls her several times a day despite being told to stop. THAT IS PSYCHO. He washes his hands a lot because he is OCD. He can’t stop. If the thought ‘I must get my girlfriend back’ pops into his echoing head, he can’t stop that. He could show up on her front step. The situation could escalate. THAT IS PSYCHO.
Jeez. You can’t just ignore these things. I know from personal experience.
