Have you talked to him? Pick up the phone next time, tell him who you are and tell him to STOP CALLING HER in no uncertain terms. Let him know that the next step is a call to the police. At least then you’ll know what you’re dealing with- if he keeps it up after that follow through and go to the police. Something tells me he’ll probably knock it off when he realizes there’s another guy in the picture.
I second the recommendation to read The Gift of Fear. Gavin De Becker has a way of getting to the heart of the matter.
That said for now, document every call, have her ignore all calls from him, record v/m messages if you can and if she accidentally picks up the phone when it’s him simply say “don’t call me” and hang up.
I helped a friend through this a couple years ago and she did finally end up calling the police and filing a restraining order. The documentation process meant the legal part went much smoother, and the worst thing you could have happen is to try and file a restraining order and have it turned down due to lack of evidence. Not only would it be hard on your girlfriend (the police think I’m crazy) but it would give the creep more confidence.
However the INSTANT she feels physically threatened make the call.
One step at a time.
Block his number, and if she can’t do that, then she will have to change her number.
If he steps things up and starts showing up at her place, then she needs to take things further.
I second reading Gift of Fear.
Go to your local prosecutor’s office and have her press charges. I know in Ohio there’s a charge for “telephone harassment” that can result in jail time for the guy if he doesn’t knock it off.
I’d say it’s equally likely that this will make him think, “she’s just pretending she doesn’t want me back to keep this other asshole happy.”
Block number. Hell, you can probably do it on the phone itself without bothering to call the phone company. You certainly could on my last one (a Motorola non-smartphone), and Android has the feature built in too.
Roll her up in a large area rug.
Tie rug securely.
Transport to public dump.
Do not answer the phone when he calls, and do not return his messages.
Gavin de Becker makes the point - if a psycho calls you ten times and you ignore the first nine but pick up on the tenth, you have taught him that the price of gaining your attention is ten calls.
Yes, it certainly creepy and weird and so forth. He is doing it to gain your attention. Do not give him the attention.
Regards,
Shodan
The last message you need is “don’t overreact.” It’s imperative, however, that you react intelligently and with forethought. I quintuple the “Gift of Fear” suggestion: Stop on your way home tonight and buy two copies so that you cna both read in parallel.
She should consult the local police, and let them know there is a problem, and with whom. She may not wish to file charges or request a restraining order yet.
Also this: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/ would be a good idea for her to work through.
There is something wrong with his thought process, and therefore you can not predict what he may or may not do. Stop guessing, and trust her instincts.
I don’t think she should block his number. DeBecker says, IIRC, that she should get a second line (or different phone if it’s a cell) and use that number for everyone else (while warning them not to give the number out, and why they shouldn’t). Meanwhile, let voicemail take all his calls on the old number. Blocking the number would frustrate him and might cause him to escalate. If he’s talking to voicemail, he has an outlet, and it might help defuse him.
However, RNATB’s first sentence is spot on.
(And it always makes me wonder: what do stalkees do if they don’t have a man as their spokesperson?)
Yet another fan of Gavin de Becker. He deals a lot with gauging how scared yous hould (or shouldn’t) be, so your partner would be in the best position to read it (it’s a rather quick, easy read – though rich with information) and recognize where her ex fits on the scale of threats. Beyond the phone calls, there may be something he said or did while they were going out that’s triggering an alarm bell for her. The sort of thing she’d mention to you with a caveat, ‘This is totally stupid… probably nothing… but one time he told me that he used to have a girlfriend who…’
Same in Virginia. “Annoying or Harrassing Phone Calls,” can result in a Class 1 Misdemeanor.
A few fun ways to discourage phone calls, works great on other nagging calls as well.
Record a busy signal or a “we’re sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service” messgage and save it as the voicemail greeting.
Sometimes just a few weeks of such messages will work wonders, telemarketers and bill collectors are not going to sit on the phone wondering if an actual voicemail recording will be permitted after several rounds of "we’re sorry…
Tell friends and relatives about the message in case they call.
Plan B, leave a message stating you are leaving town for 6-8 weeks to care for a sick relative in a remote area where there is no cell service and I will not have my phone. IF you need to get ahold of me in an emergency contact my boyfriend at (123)456-7890 he has a way to contact me directly.
This post gets my vote.
All the posts with complicated plans (getting a 2nd line, recording all sorts of strange v/m greetings, etc.) are fun to read but probably not terribly helpful to the OP. They’re all just increasingly complicated ways to play the stalker’s game.
Do not play his game.
On preview: **Rilchiam’s **point about letting him leave messages in order to defuse him might be a good one. Just don’t ever call him back, don’t let him get anything from leaving messages besides what he can get out of it for himself. Eventually, the one-sided message-leaving will get old, and he’ll get bored.
RE: Blocking calls.
This is available on land lines. It may not be available on cell phones depending on your carrier.
I’m not understanding this correctly, but then I’ve never blocked calls, either. When you block a number, is there some sort of notification to that caller that his or her calls are blocked? For example, do blocked calls not go to voice mail, so the caller would know that way? How does a caller know that his or her call has been blocked?
Like I said, I’ve never blocked calls, so I don’t know what happens. If I blocked a call, I’d expect it not to ring on my end when that number calls me, but I never thought of voice mail. It’d be nice if that caller would still be shunted to voice mail as if they could leave one, but the phone just simply wouldn’t record it. Now that I think about it, though, that’s probably not how it works.
Huh.
I’m gonna block my office number from my cell and then call it to see what happens. Hang on.
Exactly right. Don’t give in. Don’t be manipulated. He’ll give up eventually if you pay him no attention.
The only other thing I would recommend doing (if you can afford it or have EAP or something) is finding a lawyer (documentation in hand) and fully informing them of the situation.
The domestic violence profile system is free with registration.
Warning: if psycho guy had much computer saavy, he may have loaded monitoring software on her PC that is reporting back to her. They actually have a warning on the page @ mosaic that if you feel you may be monitored that you may wish to consider using a different computer.
Never mind. Android will let you send calls from a set number directly to voicemail, but not to block them.
If she is set up with a Google Voicenumber, she can block (or send straight to voicemail) specific calls, and have each phone message sent to email so she’ll have a written record of it. And each call is pre-screened. And you can record any phone call.