Dear Cincinnatians:

That white stuff coming down outside? That’s called ‘snow’. Don’t be a afraid, you’ve seen it before. You know how I know you’ve seen it before? Because I’ve lived in this town for a long time, and it snows here EVERY FUCKING YEAR.

Seriously, what they hell is wrong with you morons? Every year it snows here, and every year you lose what little miniscule bit of driving ability you had prior to the snowfall. It can’t be that the snow here is different somehow, no I can drive in it just fine. It can’t be that the cars here are different, mine works great. No, the problem you.

Yes you, the dipshit in the SUV who thinks ‘SUV = invulnerable’. I watched a guy in an SUV try to change lanes before a stoplight, pulling his car over sharply to the left in heavy snow & ice. As his vehicle entered the just big enough space in traffic, it started to spin, and didn’t stop until it was facing almost the direction it started it. Somehow he spun 360 inside a car shaped space, and didn’t touch anything around him. Yes you’re a moron, no your SUV is not a substitute for driving ability, now go change your pants.

Hey you, the fuckin idiot driving 3mph on a 35mph 4 lane road. It’s just snow, your car will not explode if you go faster than an old lady on a walker. If you can’t drive in the snow, then stay home. Really. Those of us who actually posses the ability to control a vehicle in the snow don’t need human cholesteral blocking up our roadways. Get the fuck out of the way.

And all the other miscellaneous shitheads, you too. The moron driving a van with his head out the window cuz his windshield is covered in snow. The drooler who is slowly sliding down a hill toward a red light with his brakes locked cuz he slammed on them instead of just going easy. The idiot who can’t figure out why slamming on the gas when the light turns green results in him spinning his tires and not going anywhere.

You fucking asshats turn something that should be a slightly longer drive to work into a heart pounding fight for life itself. I fully expected horrible flaming death no less than three times on the way to work this morning. It absolutely amazes me that this city doesn’t turn into a big game of fucking bumper cars when it snows, it really does. Die assholes.

Why confine this rant to people from Cincinnati? People from all over behave like shitheads whenever there’s snow on the ground. I can’t wait until we get some significant snowfall on Long Island. It’s gonna be a bloodbath.

Holy shit, this bugs me. Take the 10 minutes to brush the snow and chip the ice off of all windows and the windshield, for Chrissakes. While you’re at it, brush ALL the snow off the vehicle, so that people driving near you aren’t subjected to flying icebergs. I wish police would ticket people for this behavior.

:snerk: Human cholesterol. Great phrase!

In Florida, we have people who drive like that when it rains. You know, like it doesn’t rain here every afternoon all summer long.

I looked up this stuff called ‘snow’ on Google. That’s some pretty crazy shit. It comes from the sky, like rain? What part of the world do people get that in? Is that like a russian thing? That stuff would scare the bejesus out of me!

Waitaminit. You are pitting those who are both being reckless and those being careful?

Were you on Madison Road/MLK this morning at about 7:30? Because you just described it. I didn’t see anyone spin their big SUVs, but 3 mph in a 35 zone sounds familiar.

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” - George Carlin

If there were one image to represent Cincinnati, this would be it.

Driving 3mpg on a road that everyone else is driving 30mph on is being reckless.

Under normal driving conditions, yes. I think you’re being unreasonable in expecting every driver to have the same level of driving skill on non-dry roads. If conditions are unusual, people should go slower. That’s what prudent driving is. Your freaking out and insisting that people stay home is unreasonable.

Having been born in Cincinnati and now in St. Louis… I suspect a lot more Cincinnatians moved here. Cause, damn, we’ve got stupid-in-the-snow driving here in spades.

Unfortunately, even the ones who’d otherwise stay home when the scary white stuff falls feel compelled to sloooooooowly drive to the store to buy every last loaf of bread, gallon of milk, or carton of eggs to be found.

In case they get trapped for days and, er… have to make French toast? Hell, I don’t know; they’re stupid.

You’d be amazed how often I see that exact event occur. Weird.

That said, my personal favorite is a left hand turn onto a highway near me, across four lanes and a wide median. What happens is that they make the turn… but the vector of the car doesn’t change, and they merrily slide off the road sideways, across the shoulder, and into the marsh. I check every big snow. Always a SUV.

I’m just glad that the chionamnesia doesn’t just happen here. Share the love and all that. My own mini-addition:

Yes, it’s very bad when the snowplow has only gotten half the intersection near my house. It’s real easy to get stuck, because of the rill of snow that runs right through the middle of the intersection. You can address that any way you like, but if you want me to push you, then you are by god going to tap that accelerator as if there were an egg beneath it. If you want to spin your wheels, you can sit out there all night.

I don’t expect everyone to have the same level of driving ability on non-dry pavement. What I expect is that if people’s ability does not match the conditions that they should stay at home until conditions improve. Because some people have night blindness does not mean that travel after dark is restricted to 5 miles per hour, and because some people can not drive on snow does not mean that the rest of us should be slowed to match their level of ability.

In the interest of disclosure, I was on I-71 southbound heading towards Cincinnati this morning, as idiots who were driving at least 20 miles per hour slower than required turned the road into a parking lot. It doesn’t take many of them, just three traveling side by side.

Aw, don’t get your shorts in a bunch. Even out here on the verge of the Great White North the driving public goes through about 48 hours of ineptness with the first snow fall. We’ll kill and maim a few but the rest will catch on pretty quickly. By the end of March the survivors will be pretty competent. We get snow every year and every year we see the same learning curve. You might as well curse the stars in their courses as grip about onset of winter driving skills.

As for those of you living in the tropics: Oh, bite me!

On this road 30mph is slower. 3mph is dangerous. If your skill prevents you from travelling on a road with snow on it more than 3mph then you should not be driving in the snow.

Psst… I think that was an exaggeration for humorous or rhetorical purposes.

It’d like to be able to say it way, but no, I wasn’t exaggerating. My car idles faster than this individual was going, I had to break just to make sure I didn’t run into them. They had their brakes on too. My speedometer was barely registering. If someone wants to 25, or maybe even 20, fine. But this person, and many others I’ve seen, were driving dangerously too slow.


I was doing a steady 30/35 up 71 and out Cross County yesterday at 6:30AM, before either got plowed, It seemed to be the norm, barring the occasional douchebag riding my ass. If said douchebag would have preferred I go, say, 45 instead, well, screw 'em. I don’t have to punch in, sucka.

On my way up the hill between Stewart and Kenwood, I saw a Camaro nose down in the ditch, with a dude wearing a t-shirt standing shivering next to it. I giggled.

Normally, I’d be right there with you hfw, but the roads were particularly shitty yesterday morning. There was at least a half inch of slush and ice on the main roads.

Yeah, my bad. I couldn’t get traction for anything. Normally, I think people are way too cautious out here, but the best I could muster was 20 mph.