Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster:

I come to you with a simple request. This is, in fact, the first time I have asked for your noodly assistance. I generally handle things myself, as you well know, but this requires the help of the most delicious of deities.

This is about men. I know, you are saying, “But pbbth, you had been dating a very nice man for the past few weeks who had a good job and his own place! I have always told my followers that a man in the hand is worth two in the bush…or something like that, anyway. What more could you possibly want from the opposite sex?” You are right, of course, Your Sauciness, that a nice man with a job that isn’t living with his mom is a rare find in men my age, but I need more than that. He was indecisive, perpetually late for everything, and we had very little in common. I come to you tonight in hopes that perhaps if I give you some specifics it might make it easier for you to point me in the right direction with your noodly appendage.

First things first, I think you should know that I am not looking for someone who is drop dead gorgeous. Looks aren’t that important to me, really. As long as he is fairly healthy, has all his teeth, and is taller than me I can work with that. If he happens to be cute, possibly in a geeky kind of way, that is a bonus, really.

I would also like him to have a sense of humor. He doesn’t have to be Robin Williams or anything (in fact I would like to specifically request that he NOT be Robin Williams) but just have an appreciation for the sillier things in life and be able to make me smile with some witty banter every now and again.

I would like him to be smart. Not a genius who wakes up in the middle of the night to work equations on a big chalk board in the garage kind of smart, but someone who is fairly well read, can hold his own in a conversation, enjoys learning, can go to museums and watch documentaries without being bored to tears, etc. He doesn’t need to be crazily brilliant, but he needs to not be on the other end of the spectrum either.

I would like a man who can stand up for himself and make decisions. I am sick of being the only one to decide what to, where to go, what to eat, etc. “Whatever you want, dear” is fine every once and a while, but if it is the only thing he can say when asked what he wants to do this weekend it isn’t going to work. He also needs to not be too assertive, though. This is another one of those middle of the spectrum kind of situations, I suppose.

He should also be a responsible adult. Having a job, a place to live that isn’t his mom’s basement, and paying his bills regularly are important. He doesn’t have to be Donald Trump or anything (in fact I would like to specifically request that he NOT be Donald Trump) but taking proper care of himself is a necessity.

There are other things, of course, but really those are my top 5. If he brings me chocolate regularly and will snuggle on the couch and watch a few episodes of The Simpsons that would make everything just about perfect! So to recap, he should be kind of cute, funny, smart, assertive (but not too assertive), and responsible with an appreciation for chocolate and The Simpsons. If you could direct him to the lending library on 42nd and 5th tomorrow around 3 o’clock that would make finding him a lot easier, but I understand that you are a very busy entree and cannot do everything.

I would like to thank you in advance for any and all assistance you are able and willing to give me, Your Meatballiness. In your name I pray, Amen.


Seriously, I know how you feel. It’s so ridiculously hard to find healthy, sane men these days. (Well, it is in Chicago.) And that’s not all - sometimes a guy can be perfect in theory but you just don’t click with him. It’s really frustrating.

Apart from the ‘responsible adult’ thing (just finishing my first year of college, not quite 20), I fulfill all of your criteria. Though I suppose one implied requirement is living near you, and there’s no 42nd Street anywhere near me.

I am in NYC so I am a bit of a distance from Virginia Tech unfortunately. Thanks though! :smiley:

pbbth: Well, here in Oakland I suppose I’m just about as far away as I could be & still be on the same continent…it’s exactly the same here. I feel your pain.

Oh Pastiferous Patron, O Pesto-ful Plateful, O Airborne Macaroni, I give my word that I will twirl my fork and slurp him up (figuratively speaking), if you will but sprinkle the Asiago Garnish of Love upon me this Spring. Mangia Allegro, Amen.

We’re here; you just gotta keep looking a bit. Us shy ones can still be funny and decisive in our own way, you just gotta give us some chance to show it.

Suggested pickup line for you: “I’d really like you to call me, so we can talk more about <common interest>.”

pbbth, can I join you in prayer?

Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster,

Hi! It’s me, yams!!! I would just like to thank you for all of the blessings you have chosen to bestow upon me - physics class, access to a powerful microscope, lots of clean underwear, and tater tots. I sincerely appreciate all of these gifts, which are wonderful. I feel kind of bad asking for any favors from you, seeing as how I have already been multiply blessed by your Noodly Appendage, but summer is coming up, classes are almost over, and it would be really nice if there was some sort of penis-wielding being with which to spend the long, hot hours. I would like to respectfully request: one male, sweetly geeky and cute, in a chubby sort of way, who likes talking about physics, swinging in the park, and who has an apartment that is cleaner than mine, so we have some place to go that does not involve me having to clean my sheets.

If this could be arranged I would be most appreciative.

Thank you, your holiness.


This made me laugh a lot. Also, band name!

Dear Spaghetti Being - Thanks for mrAru … smart, geeky in the right ways, fun to be with and protective , and more than willing to take up serious slack with my new disability …

He’s all mine gals, hands off!

but good luck in finding one of your own … they are out there!

Where are you? I have a 21 year old, blond haired, blue eyed, unicycle-riding, physics major finishing his junior year, son at Texas A& M. Apartment was clean when I saw it in January, but very spartan. He wears a Flying Spaghetti Monster T-shirt.

Of course, yams!!, everyone is welcome to join in with their prayer requests to the Flying Spaghetti Monster! 3 o’clock is coming up soon, so depending on who I find at the library this afternoon everyone else might soon be a believer in the power of pasta prayer. :stuck_out_tongue:

Well, keep us posted. I’ll have some water boiling, just in case. :cool:

If this is going to be a praying-to-the-spaghetti-monster free-for-all, then let me just join in by praying that I be granted the strength to stop f*cking procrastinating and finish this cursed term paper of mine. Also, best of luck to all of you searching out there, I feel your pain and if I weren’t so many thousand miles away from you, I’d join you at the library. (actually, even if I wasn’t so far away I probably still shouldn’t 'cause i’ve got a paper to finish)

Well, that rules me out. :frowning:

Maybe we need a live sacrifice. :: looks shiftily at Quartz ::

The FSM thinks you Saucy wenches should be looking for guys with more meat on their bones and/or noodles in their heads. A fine Tomato like you deserves better!

Virgin too. Methinks I’m in trouble… :slight_smile:

I went to the library at 3 just like I told the FSM I would. I did not find a man, but on the shelf next to the biography I am reading for my book club meeting this month was a book called, “Mr. Right, Right Now! How a Smart Woman Can Land Her Dream Man in 6 Weeks” It was stacked above the biographies, as if it had been picked up and moved by the FSM himself for me to find. :eek: :smiley:

I went ahead and checked it out, figuring that maybe this is the FSM’s way of gently nudging me towards the gentleman I described in the OP with his noodly appendage. I’ll keep you updated on my progress.

pbbth perhaps that was a sigh. His Noodliness works in Pastarioius ways after all.

Now now! A real Pastafarian would end his/her prayer to the noodly one with “RAmen”.

Have you no shame?

No beer volcanoes and stripper factories for you!