I come to you with a simple request. This is, in fact, the first time I have asked for your noodly assistance. I generally handle things myself, as you well know, but this requires the help of the most delicious of deities.
This is about men. I know, you are saying, “But pbbth, you had been dating a very nice man for the past few weeks who had a good job and his own place! I have always told my followers that a man in the hand is worth two in the bush…or something like that, anyway. What more could you possibly want from the opposite sex?” You are right, of course, Your Sauciness, that a nice man with a job that isn’t living with his mom is a rare find in men my age, but I need more than that. He was indecisive, perpetually late for everything, and we had very little in common. I come to you tonight in hopes that perhaps if I give you some specifics it might make it easier for you to point me in the right direction with your noodly appendage.
First things first, I think you should know that I am not looking for someone who is drop dead gorgeous. Looks aren’t that important to me, really. As long as he is fairly healthy, has all his teeth, and is taller than me I can work with that. If he happens to be cute, possibly in a geeky kind of way, that is a bonus, really.
I would also like him to have a sense of humor. He doesn’t have to be Robin Williams or anything (in fact I would like to specifically request that he NOT be Robin Williams) but just have an appreciation for the sillier things in life and be able to make me smile with some witty banter every now and again.
I would like him to be smart. Not a genius who wakes up in the middle of the night to work equations on a big chalk board in the garage kind of smart, but someone who is fairly well read, can hold his own in a conversation, enjoys learning, can go to museums and watch documentaries without being bored to tears, etc. He doesn’t need to be crazily brilliant, but he needs to not be on the other end of the spectrum either.
I would like a man who can stand up for himself and make decisions. I am sick of being the only one to decide what to, where to go, what to eat, etc. “Whatever you want, dear” is fine every once and a while, but if it is the only thing he can say when asked what he wants to do this weekend it isn’t going to work. He also needs to not be too assertive, though. This is another one of those middle of the spectrum kind of situations, I suppose.
He should also be a responsible adult. Having a job, a place to live that isn’t his mom’s basement, and paying his bills regularly are important. He doesn’t have to be Donald Trump or anything (in fact I would like to specifically request that he NOT be Donald Trump) but taking proper care of himself is a necessity.
There are other things, of course, but really those are my top 5. If he brings me chocolate regularly and will snuggle on the couch and watch a few episodes of The Simpsons that would make everything just about perfect! So to recap, he should be kind of cute, funny, smart, assertive (but not too assertive), and responsible with an appreciation for chocolate and The Simpsons. If you could direct him to the lending library on 42nd and 5th tomorrow around 3 o’clock that would make finding him a lot easier, but I understand that you are a very busy entree and cannot do everything.
I would like to thank you in advance for any and all assistance you are able and willing to give me, Your Meatballiness. In your name I pray, Amen.
