Dear lying old biddy: thank you for your concern!

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

In November, I sent out a fundraising letter to six thousand people on a list of local folks who have given to animal-related charities.

We’re getting a lot of responses to the letter, lots of donations. And one letter that begins,

Recently we received a donation letter in the mail from you, and we were appalled. Back in the summer we had contacted you for help with some puppies and kittens, but you told us that you had no room to take in 8 more loving animals.

Okay, asshole, stop right there. We run a full-service shelter, meaning that we never tell people we have no more room. That’s a lie.

So I wrote her back, saying, “Liar, liar, pants on fire!”

No, actually, I wrote her back thanking her for her concern, promising to remove her from our mailing list, and saying in part,

As you know, Asheville Humane Society operates a full-service animal shelter, meaning that we never turn any animal away. . . . I could not tell from your letter whether these puppies and kittens were the offspring of your pets. If they were, I encourage you to call the shelter: we can help you with the cost of spaying and neutering your animals, helping to stem the epidemic of pet overpopulation in our county. If they were not, we thank you once again for your help finding homes for homeless animals. This is a job we must all do together.

(emphasis added).

And I thanked the crazy bitch again for her love of animals.

Is that the end of it?

Oh no. I just now open a letter from her, two-pages, single-spaced, describing every animal she’s owned for the past 25 years. It begins:

I just received your letter around the end of December 2002, and was appalled by the accusation that the puppies and kittens were offspring from my animals.

Okay, asshole, stop right there! Wait, no, go on:

I informed you in the letter that I had written to you that the 3 puppies had been thrown out in front of my house. . . .

You tweaker! You ass! No you didn’t! I’ve got your first letter right in front of me, and you didn’t say anything of the sort, AND THAT’S WHY I SAID I COULDN’T TELL IF THEY WERE YOUR ANIMALS!

So we’ve got three lies in two letters. On the bright side, she mentions later in the letter:

I go out of my way not to hit any animals with my vehicle when the [sic] run out in front of me.

Golly, give the fuckhole a medal, then.

Not a particularly creative rant, but I hate dealing with shits like this. And since i don’t get to write her back politely pointing out her lies, y’all get to read about it.

Daniel

[World_Eater]

Go throw a box of puppies on her porch, that’ll learn her good.

[cuauhtemoc]

Some people just like to be angry.

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

World Eater, I just read your post of this morning, and I am appalled at the accusation that I threw those puppies into her yard.

[insert two pages of random half-truths and crazy hallucinations about what an animal shelter does, plus all the animals I’ve ever owned]

In conclusion, since I go out of my way not to set puppies on fire, I have a heart of gold when it comes to animals, unlike you poor bastard. I hope you’ll see me in a different light in the future.

Daniel

[ultress]

I have accepted the fact that there are many many jobs in this world for which I am not suited. You have one of them. I would have sent her a letter back with just the simple statement, “Well are you gonna give us some money or not? With all the stamps you’ve wasted you could have fed a puppy/kitten for a day.”
See what I mean?

[KneadToKnow]

I sympathize with your frustrations, Daniel. If I may remind you of one thing (which you no doubt already know) in dealing with this person and others like her, it is this: it never does any good to tell someone who’s already angry that they’re wrong. Tell her you don’t understand how such a misunderstanding could have happened, tell her you reget horribly that she was told that, tell her whatever you want, but if she’s already got her back up about this, telling her she is wrong in her recollection is not going to make things better.

Best wishes.

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

Thanks, folks. I get about one nastygram each week, and they don’t really bother me that much; I’ve gotten pretty good at writing, “Thanks for your concern; here’s the friendliest possible way for me to correct your misperceptions” letters.

Most people don’t write back. One guy even wrote back to apologize for being rude and to thank us for his wonderful dog. And then once in awhile I’m helping someone pull their head out of their ass, but they jerk free and with a horrific squorching noise shove their head much farther up into their anus, splattering me with their fetid feces in the process.

Oh, well. Part of the job. Thanks for the sympathy, folks!
Daniel

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

(Oh - and my boss has wisely forbidden me from writing her back. It’s in my experience never a good idea to respond to the second nastygram, despite the temptation.)

Daniel

[FairyChatMom]

Your boss is right. Many years ago, I had a job that included answering letters. I recall a specific correspondent who responded to our reply with a long, chatty letter. My boss simply said, “Don’t answer - we don’t need a pen pal.” After my initial aghastness :eek: I realized that nothing was to be gained by answering, but lots of time would be lost. He was right - we didn’t need a pen pal.

[photopat]

FairyChat,

I WAITED BY THE MAILBOX FOR DAYS!

sob.

[Monkeypants]

You know who this lady is? The crazy homeless lady I saw Saturday in the Petco near the Broadway Mall, talking to the hamster while he was on his little wheel.

Well, maybe not. But just remember that there are crazy people everywhere, particularly in the animal world, and most of them know how to write. Fixodent, and forget it.

[World_Eater]

Sorry Daniel it was remark made in jest. Nothing more nothing less.

[NurseCarmen]

*Originally posted by World Eater *
**Go throw a box of puppies on her porch, that’ll learn her good. **

A box of burning puppies! That way, when she goes to stomp the fire out, she get’s puppy all over her feet!
ohhh be quiet, I’m kidding

[World_Eater]

*Originally posted by NurseCarmen *
**A box of burning puppies! That way, when she goes to stomp the fire out, she get’s puppy all over her feet!
ohhh be quiet, I’m kidding **

[LouisB]

I wish I had a puppy. I would hold it and pet it and love it and take it for walks and feed it and give it water and clean up after it. Honest.

[cleosia]

I wish I had a puppy. I would hold it and pet it and love it and take it for walks and feed it and give it water and clean up after it. Honest.

Sure, that’s what they all say in the beginning. When puppy has to go out at 3 AM and it’s 20 below, then we’ll see…

[tiny_ham]

I think it’s obvious what’s going on here.

Daniel hates puppies.

[LouisB]

If it gets to be 20 below in Seminole, Florida, the terrorists have already won. Marcie and I alternate between wanting a puppy and a ferret. I want the puppy; Marcie wants the ferret. I expect we will compromise and get a ferret.

[tiny_ham]

or a fuppy

[D_Odds]

A ferret is useless. You need at least 2, and really, anything less than 8 means you’re not serious about ferrets (or that you are sane).