Dear Nick and Cynthia (a telephone rant)

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Nick and Cynthia -

You don’t know me, but I know you. I know where you go to church, who your doctor is, who your bank is, where your kids go to school. I know that your aunt just turned 90. I know that you haven’t paid your DishNetwork bill since June and you owe $671.74.

I know all of this because these people call me. And they ask for you. Or they leave messages on my answering machine. My answering machine that picks up with a message saying “hi, this is the Zipper residence, not the NickAndCynthia residence. If you want to leave a message for Zipper, go ahead!”

Your son, Nicky, has missed two weeks of CCD classes. There’s also a special PTA meeting at his school. Your test results are available from your gyno’s office. Your aunt wants to thank you for coming to her 90th birthday party - she never thought she’d live that long. Your bank got snippy with me. Some old lady is looking for you.

This was all amusing for the first few months of having your phone number. Your old phone number, that I’m sure you no longer have because you failed to pay for it. I can ascertain from the amount of collections calls we recieved in the first few months that you’re not really good at keeping up with bills, huh?

It hasn’t been yours for a year now…you should really tell people. You should tell your church, your son’s school, your bank, your gyno…

You should tell DishNetwork. Because I told them. Their automated lady calls once a week or so to speak to you, and I tell her - using the automaded lady code of pressing 4 - that this is not Nick and Cynthia’s phone number. Since the automated lady doesn’t seem to believe me, I called the live lady and told her that you are lazy bastards and please stop calling me.

The good news, for me at least, is that apparently live lady and automated lady don’t keep their records straight and now I get to sue DishNetwork for violating my rights as a telephone customer (or something…I’ll let you know, Nick and Cynthia).

The bad news, for you, is that tomorrow I am changing my answering machine message. Now when your aunt calls she will be greeted with “Hello. If you are looking for Nick and Cynthia I am sorry to say that they are no longer with us. They have both been killed in a murder-suicide. Apparently they had some very dirty secrets that the would could never understand. Please send all donations to NAMBLA. If you are calling to talk to Zipper, leave a message!”

Rest in peace, Nick and Cynthia. And thanks for the money!

Zipper

2

Sorry to hear about Nick and Cynthia.

Say, Zip, could I interest you in this great deal from DishNetwork … ?

:smiley:

3

I’ve tried “Hello, you’ve reached <my number>. If you don’t want to leave a message, hang … up … now. Otherwise…etc.” Doesn’t stop the hangups and unwanted messages though.

4

I had that poblem once. Ended up having to dedicate my answering machine message to announcing who the caller hadn’t reached as opposed to giving the much needed instruction on how to leave a message for me. Seems like the phone company should be responsible for this somehow.

5

Nick and Cynthia? What happened to Nick and Diane? Dang Kids…! gets the garden hose

6

Argh! I hate this. I had to change my cell phone number last year because my ex boyfriend was stalking me (what can I say? I pretty much rule that much).

Apparently, the young man that had my phone number previously was named Adrian. Adrian, you see, doesn’t like to pay his bills. Well, I mean, he might, but that’s not the conclusion I ended up at from the number of collections calls I get.

I also understand that this really isn’t the fault of the companies that call, so I try to be as patient with them as my wee free time permits. That is, until they start screaming, threatening me, and calling me a liar. I understand that this is one of their shitty tactics for tracking down scummy Adrian who didn’t pay for his cable for the last year, but I. am. not. Adrian. Fuck, I don’t even know an Adrian. Don’t yell at me. Don’t fucking threaten me. Especially don’t call me a fucking liar. Trust me, I’m not Adrian’s lil’ cracked out girlfriend that’s covering for him so he can instead use his heaps of cash to buy me Taco Bell when I’m havin a wild case of the munchies.

I especially get pissed when I tell the people- nicely- that I’m not Adrian and to stop screaming at me. . . then they fucking hang up on me.

After one credit card company called FIVE times one morning before 9 AM, I called back and tore the moron on the other end a new one. Then I had him put me through to his manager and repeated the scenario. He apologized over and over, then removed my number from the list. But seriously- Goddamnit! :mad:

7

And that only works until the debt gets sold to a new company. I’m still getting calls at a number I’ve had for over three years for a lady that, I swear, owed money to every single business in the western world.

8

I feel for all y’all, really, but look at it from a debt collector’s perspective - the first thing they hear when they call a phone number is that this isn’t the debtor’s number. In other words, people lie to them, all the time. I don’t know what the solution to this is - get their fax machine number and fax them a copy of your service agreement, showing that you are not the debtor? Talk to them in person, showing picture id? Yes, it’s a lot of work for you, but it might save you months of hassle. You shouldn’t have to do that, but people should pay their debts, too. The world’s not perfect.

As for the other tools leaving messages, delete 'em all. Dumbasses.

9

Nick, is that you? Why won’t you return my calls? Is Cynthia still cheating on you with that guy with the mustache? I told her she should stop and come clean with you before he got her pregnant again, but she never told me if she did.

10

If you have Caller ID you could try blocking the numbers who call most often. Though any company worth it’s salt has ways aroung this.

11

I like the new message. Maybe Grandma will get curious and start spreading rumors among the family.

12

Hi this is Nick.
Did I have any calls?

13

Hi, this is Diane.
Do I have any messages?
Anyone heard from Nick?

14

:smack:
And I screwed up the joke.

I meant, “This is Cynthia.”

15

I actually don’t mind the calls. I am a very very lonely person :slight_smile: I do always take the time to let companies know that Nick and Cynthia are deadbeats and I have no idea who they are and what their new number is. 90% of the time they are nice. Even DishNetwork was nice when I talked to Live Lady.

It’s just too bad for Dish that I can make some moolah out of this deal.

It pisses me off when I go running for the phone and it’s for them. Or when I come home to see a message, and it’s for them. It just reminds me even more how lonely and dorky I am when 50% of my calls are for someone else :slight_smile:

What pisses me off most is that these people lack the common courtesy - and common sense - to change their numbers with their DOCTOR or their CHURCH or their kids’ SCHOOL. Makes me feel bad for these nice people who are trying to reach them. Who the fuck are they running from?

16

Over the past few weeks, I’d get calls on my cellphone for “Jane”. I politely told them I don’t know any “Jane”.

Sometimes, the caller would ask, “Well, we just got a call from her the other day at this number. Would you look around and check to see if she is there?” To which I have replied, “Um, madam, I’ve had this cellphone number for six years. I don’t even know a Jane. Ain’t no way in hell am I lookin’ for someone I don’t know.”

Lately, the calls haven’t come in. Maybe Jane started using a different phone rather than my Verizon cellphone.

Tripler
I mean, if Jane reached into my pocket for my cellphone, I’d sure like to know. I’d slip her $5. :wink:

17

If he was a third-party agent, you could possibly have sued him for such as that. We never call people more than once a day, unless they call back and leave a message for us to do so. First-party collectors aren’t bound quite as tightly by the law as third-party collection agencies are, but there are many ways to get collection agencies in trouble, without even trying hard. Calling people like that is definitely considered harrassment, especially in the collection world.

18

At this point, you need to say: “Hold on. Let me look under the couch. Oh! There she is.” Then, hang up.

19

Calling the aunt, school, church and getting off their lists might help–AND asking them to get a current number from these folks next time you see them.

The person who used to have my extension at work has been gone for 6 1/2 years and I still get calls from creditors looking for him or her.

20

Sure you did, Diane.

We all know that Nick is cheating on Cynthia with you. Just come clean. You’ll feel loads better.