I’m not a big coffee drinker, but there is a reason why I can’t stand the place. If I walk in and ask for a small decaf, they look at me like I’m a moron. “Decaf? What’s decaf? Would you like a halfcrafchocodoulbelattecafferchinerino?”
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!? You guys do sell coffee, right? It’s seems like it’s the only think not on the menu.
And a small? Not in their lexicon. It’s called a “tall.” Imagine my audacity, not asking for a “tall” when I want a small. For those of you who are not familiar with the Starbux sizes, here is a handy guide:
Small – “Tall”
Medium – “Wide”
Large – “Banana-shaped”
Extra large – “Willy Q. Schmendrick”
It’s intuitive, people!
So if you walk into one of those places, the proper way to order is to ask for a “Canteloupe-sized extra girthsome bananaschmanamochabokapapachino.” ‘Cause you sure as fuck ain’t gettin’ a small decaf.
You know, it pains me to see people at each others throats. In order to stop all of you from killing each other, I’m going to tell you a little secret.
Coffee is the vilest drink this side of scotch.
Now you can all team up and yell at me…
There are places – the convenience store on my campus, for example – that use Starbucks coffee to brew their coffee and espresso. They proudly proclaim “We serve Starbucks coffee” on signs all over the store. However, their baristas (and managers, and anyone else) have not been trained by Starbucks or been given Starbucks’ recipes for drinks (and Starbucks is very picky about their recipes – they work hard for consistency in all their stores). They don’t make Frappuchinos, for instance, and their stuff tastes decidedly different from the standard, consistent stuff you get at Starbucks (whether you like it or not). I think this is what was meant – there are plenty of places that serve Starbucks coffee, but that doesn’t mean you’re getting the same thing you get when you go to a Starbucks. And a lot of these “fake” stores put the Starbucks logo up everywhere, so if you, like me, don’t always pay strict attention, you may not notice if it’s a real Starbucks counter or a fake one.
My husband works at Starbucks, and there are other differences between the full Starbucks stores and most of the ones found at airports, in grocery or book stores, etc. I don’t know what the difference is – I don’t know if my husband does, either – but I know he can’t get his weekly markout there, or use his employee discount. I think it has to do with who actually employs the baristas. I don’t know what level of training the workers there get.
I know that at my husband’s store, and, I believe, most or all of the stores in this area (Seattle) get their pastries daily from a local bakery or two. Right now they’re serving Top Pot doughnuts, which are so good that I know they have contributed at least a couple of pounds to my frame. I don’t know if they’re doing this all over the country, or only in places that have a Top Pot bakery in town. But nothing in the pastry case is shrink-wrapped in this area.
Why is it that the Marketing Department definition of “sophisticated” always reminds me of Dogbert’s definition of the ideal target market (the intersection of “rich” and “stupid”)?
More (both coffee and scotch) for me, then. I don’t have a problem with people who don’t like coffee, or any other yummy thing. Now, people who maliciously try to give caffeine addicts decaf, that’s different. Try to slip me decaf, and I will do a lot worse to you than yell.
The sizes are listed on their menu, you know. What’s so hard about reading the menu, deciding based on that which size you want, and ordering that?
I’m actually a big fan of coffee shops and fast-food restaurants listing their sizes with an actual example of the cup you get. A large coffee is by no means the same size everywhere, and I like knowing exactly what I’m ordering.
I can read “Orangutan-sized ovoid mucus mouth” just fine, thank you. But I do need it explained to me.
Seriously, I can tell what’s what by the prices, but when the lowest price thing they have is called a “tall”, I have to assume they won’t sell me a “short.”
One of the proudest moments of my life (right after the birth of my son) was when an article about my shop made the front page of coffee geek with a big ole picture of my Diedrich IR7 7 kilo infra-red coffee roaster right there for the world to see. (in newbie revalations…so it was sorta about my shop). I love that site.
Yes, actually they will. Go in and order a “short coffee” and you will get an 8oz cup of regular joe. Which is why there is a bit of confusion when it comes to just ordering a “small” because you could mean either the 8oz that’s not really advertised or you could be ordering the regular 12oz that’s the smallest size on the big menu board.
As for you not being able to get a decaf, I’m going to call you a liar right now since I’ve never had any problem getting a normal coffee or even decaf by simply saying “tall coffee” or “tall decaf” from Starbucks locations in CA, DC, VA, MD, NY, PA, or NJ.
I’m going to have to take your word for it. I don’t remember seeing any of that stuff on their menu boards, and I’ve looked for it. All I’ve seen is variations on Tall Grande Big Fat Mocha Alpachino.
I wouldn’t pit either. Starbucks’ coffee is fine, it’s just over priced. Their baked goods, are delicious. And 7-11 coffee is a lot better than you’d expect. (Anything that will keep me up on the Five is worth its weight.)
The quotes on coffee cups don’t offend me; they just make me curious.
What I like about Starbucks is that, when I’m taking a road trip, almost every Starbucks I’ve been in has clean and private restrooms available. It’s your best massive-dump-away-from-home road experience available.
And they most certainly do burn their coffee, but I’m a cream and sugar kind of guy, and I don’t mind the taste.
Oh, and as for the cup quotes, I can’t say I’m that threatened by people offering opinions different than my own. Especially in a manner as passive as a printed coffee cup with the writing mostly covered up by a heat jacket.
Do folks think these qualify as Plaiditudes, or is the writing too comprehensible? Honestly, these days old Scott is being so friendly and reasonable that I feel bad about using his name as an insult. Virtual Carbon Trioxide doesn’t really lend itself to shortening, either. Hmm.
VCO3, tell me, have you worked for Starsucks? Because that’s the only reason I can think of why you would buy into their party line. I don’t know anything about coffee roasting, but I do know what tastes good, and every drink I’ve ever gotten at a Starsucks tastes burnt and bitter–at different locations in different states, so it’s not just a few bad baristas, it’s the whole chain. I like flavored drinks, but if you get anything with flavoring, it’s too sweet, which with burnt and bitter doesn’t really make it much of a tasty treat. If I’m paying a ridiculous amount of money for a drink, there’s just no point if it doesn’t even taste good.
A big “Amen” to the rant about size names. In other coffee shops, “tall” means “large.” It’s just plain stupid to call your small drink a “tall.” And what the hell is venti? Does that even mean anything? Why should I have to figure out their special secret code to get the right size drink?
