Okay, maybe this is a bit of an insignificant thing to rant about, but after the week I had, it’s either this or attack someone with bits of the espresso machine.
It is perfectly okay to order a complicated drink at your local coffee shop (in this case, Starbucks). For example, the drink I’ve taught my diabetic mother to get is an iced decaf sugarfree non-fat caramel macchiato.
However, and here is where Lesson One comes in, it is NOT okay to be a bitchy nutwrinkle about it.
Example one: Yuppie ho comes in, grabs two Venti cups and snaps, “You’re gonna have to write this down.” (Um, duh, that’s standard operating procedure for drinks?) She proceeds to order a drink that requires the barista to watch the espresso shots as they draw and pull them at an exact second, heat two jugs (one nonfat one soy) to an exact temperature and wait for them to separate so there’s no foam, etc etc etc. (I hope I translated that well enough for those of you who don’t speak conversational Coffee) “I’ll be right back,” she says, and leaves.
Twenty seconds later she is back, exclaiming loudly “What? It’s not finished yet?! I have a class at 6:30 and I’m already late!” Great, lady, you walked into a Starbucks five minutes AFTER your class started, ordered the world’s most complicated drink, and you’re pissed because we can’t go back in time and make it ten minutes ago?
Example two, which occurred just today: Lady orders an incredibly complicated iced soy latte. She goes so far as to specify TEN CUBES OF ICE before reiterating the entire order. My helpful coworker writes it all on the side of the cup, rings her up, and hands the cup to me so I can make the drink.
As I am making the drink (exactly as she ordered it), she leans on the bar and pelts me with questions and comments. “Yeah, I want it nearly all soy, like about ten cubes of ice. Is that a grande? Oh, you’re making it a single right?” For Gods’ sakes, woman, what did you think my coworker was writing on the cup, gang tags? C&C Starbucks representing! Thankfully, the skanky yuppie wanders away.
Upon finishing the drink, I proceed to call it in the standard, Starbucks-approved way. “Iced decaf grande …” etc. She comes up, looks at it, and says “Is it decaf?” No, I’m lying to you, rectal rocket! (there’s that anal fixation for y’alls) I need you more caffeinated!
So, to sum up today’s lesson: Go ahead, order a complicated drink. It’s our job to make your drink the way you want it. But for the love of all that is caffeinated and delicious, shut the fuck up about it! If you’ve been in here often enough to discover a beverage order that complicated, you should know how long it takes. If there’s a reason you need to be absolutely sure your drink is made a certain way, mention it to us and we’ll care. “I need exactly ten cubes of ice, otherwise a temporal rift will open in the parking lot and it’ll scratch my paint job.” Don’t nag the person behind the bar. You have no idea how many handy weapons there are in and around your average industrial espresso machine.
And do yourself a favor – do not piss off people who work in food service.
Tune in next time, when the Starbucks for the Braincell Impaired lesson will be “Drinks come in sizes!”, followed by a helpful segment on the Geometry of a Line.
– Dragonblink the Deranged Barista, who hopes that her first Pit rant isn’t as gimpy as it looks to her right now.
