Dear survey participants...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

New Guidelines for Participants in the Annual We’reCallingToBotherYouOnYourFreeTime Telephone Survey.

Dear participants in this year’s WCTBYOYFT Telephone Survey. We are as always very happy to have you on board. Just a few quick pointers about answering our questions:

  • “I dunno, one or two” is not a number from one to six.

  • “Three or four” is likewise not a number from one to six.

  • The scale “very displeased, somewhat displeased, somewhat pleased, very pleased, no opinion” does not contain the option “rather pleased”.

  • It likewise does not contain the option “quite pleased”.

  • “Somewhat pleased” is not a number from one to ten.

  • “Eight” *is a number from one to ten, we’ll give you that one. However, when the scale you are presented with is “a number from one to ten, where one represents ‘very displeased’ and ten represents ‘very pleased’”, and you use the word “eight” in the sentence "I’m so motherfcking displeased! Eight!", you might want to reconsider your answer.

  • “Eight” is not a number from one to six.

  • “Motherf*cking displeased” is likewise not a number from one to six.

  • “Eight” is not a number on the scale “yes or no”.

Got all that? Great. Thank you once again for your participation, and we hope to be able to bother you while you’re in the shower, driving an automobile on a heavily trafficked highway, in the supermarket check-out line, in the front line at the battle of Zama, or wherever the fuck you decide is the right time and place to answer your cell phone so that you can yell at us for calling at an inopportune time, again next year.

Regards,

The WCTBYOYFT Phone Monkey Survey Team.

2

:smiley: [Monty Python] “Five is right out!” [/Monty Python]

3

I never get through a survey, because they ask an ambiguous question. I ask does the question mean this or this and they don’t know. Often one meaning is good for me and the other is bad. The survey is done.

4

I will make you a deal: don’t call me & you won’t have to listen to my annoying answers. OK?

5

An older lady approached me in the mall one evening and asked if I had time to take her survey. I told her that I did not have time. She grabbed my shirtsleeve and said that she only needed to know what kind of toothpaste I used. I stopped walking and told her that I didn’t use toothpaste. She held her hand out, palm up, towards me and said “Surely, sir, you must use some kind of toothpaste.” I gently grasped her hand and spit my upper denture into her palm. “No,” I said, “I do not use toothpaste.” I took my denture out of her hand and put it back in and walked away.

The survey people at the mall leave me pretty much alone…

6

Yup, that’s why I hang up on survey takers.