Depressing… that isn’t the worst of it! Try feeling like a total fool!!!
Okay fellow dopers, on with the advice, make it good now!
If it’s advice you want, then sit back and relax and here’s my two cents. Since I don’t know you personally, alot of this is preachy and it is meant with the best intentions.
Tammy, you had already admitted that your marriage was all but over, so this cyber fling/thing with Gypsy/Hannu ( I’m a little confused on who) just facilitated the inevitable. You needed the legal, not just emotional break with your ex to get on with your life.
This is very important Instead of going from one man to another, you need to find your own strengths and backbone to stand on your own. Your children need this from you as well. Daddy may have his good points, but being verbally abusive isn’t one of them and you’ve put up with it probably longer than you care to admit. You don’t want your children to grow up thinking that Momma is a doormat, do you? You deserve better, you really do. And so do your children.
Pardon me while I step on my soap box, but as someone who seems to attract people with no ability to stand up for themselves, there is nothing more pathetic than a human doormat.
Everyone has their down moments and times in their lives and I completely understand that we cannot defend ourselves on every issue/subject/crisis/problem/out of the blue knock you for a loop situation that comes at us 100mph. No one person can, that is why we have friends and families ( and sometimes complete strangers) to help us through the valley’s of our lives.
However, to allow someone to verbally bash you in the sanctuary of your own home constantly is wrong wrong wrong. It is a control issue and the abuser was in control. You had little to none. The best thing you did was seperate yourself and your children from that kind of life/example.
Think of how many women never get the nuts to leave and how they must feel like total and complete crap every waking moment of their day.That isn’t a life, that is a hollow existance. The fact that you had the nuts to live seperately means you have the backbone to continue on.
Instead of kicking yourself for what occurred, (and painting love across the board as a sucky thing to do and why does anyone fall in love when there are people out there who crap all over you?) View it as Hannu/Gypsy was the rebound guy and in real terms, it probably would have never lasted anyways. No one outside person can save your self esteem,only you can.
When you are ready and stronger and have the inner confidence, you will meet the right person.
::stepping down from my soapbox:::
I wish you only the best!
Tammy,
I know where you are coming from emotionally. I was lied to, betrayed, used, etc…etc… by a woman (I often refer to her as Evil Incarnate). Getting over the realization of just how cunningly evil people can be is not easy; but here are some things I learned.
Some people are natural takers. To generous, giving people, this seems incomprehensible. The fact that someone can take and take and take; and then just chew you up and spit you out without an ounce of regret—and not only live with themselves, but fail to see how this can destroy someone else, is just as inconceivable.
How to move on:
Try not to let the juxtaposition drive you crazy. If you are not careful, it can go round and round in your mind (but she was so nice! but she was so cruel! I don’t understand it!). You will never understand it. You will move on faster once you take this to heart.
Do not expect explanations. Any explanation you would get from a known liar and user would be more of the same.
Also, learn from your naivete. I did. Realize that there are some people who lie very well. Try not to become too cynical or jaded, but do learn how to be more cautious.
Crying is okay. Catharsis is okay. Getting sympathetic shoulders from true friends and family is very much a good thing. A little bitterness and righteous anger can be good also. As tempting as it may be, try not to wall yourself into your own misery and self-pity.
Self-pity, IMO, is one of the most destructive forces that can get a hold of a person. It is seductively comforting and easy to accept. It is very difficult to resist. It is a horrible trap to fall into, and a very difficult one from which to extricate yourself.
And, yes, Time. The cliche is true.
Good luck.
Thanks for the advice Shirley, some a little off the mark but all taken with the intent it was given. I thought was pretty much on top of the self-esteem issue. I left the marriage, went back school and earned a university degree, acquired a new job and thought I was “on my way.” The relationship between the ex and I was probably better than it had ever been at the time of the divorce. Currently, we might actually consider ourselves friends now and again. It didn’t feel like a rebound thing when Hannu/Gypsy (one in the same) entered my life. It felt like I was long overdue for someone “decent” in my life. Isn’t it ironic how life gives us it’s little twists? Hannu and I both were coming from bad situations. We had hoped we had enough insight into our past mistakes and relationships that we’d be able to give fully to one another. I will tell you that I’ve learned a lot about myself through this relationship. I’ve learned that I could give freely without wanting anything in return. I just wanted the man to be happy and myself to catch a piece of his happiness. Do not take me wrong, I was not expecting to find my happiness from another, I know that my happiness comes only from within. It is just that for the first time in my life (besides with my children) I felt unconditional love; of course now that I’ve opened my self up and everyone knows, “my” unconditional love was all one-sided. One of my dear friends has repeatedly told me that Hannu is the one at a loss. He gave up the “family” that he was searching for to find what ever. We truly loved the man that we thought he was. I am trying not to be bitter and keep in mind that I am the better person. I feel sorry for gypsyBG and the others that are still under his spell.
Thanks Divemaster, for your advice as well. This is definitely what I need! Being cynical is part of my nature, but I am tying to keep it at bay in this situation. I am hoping to take a trip in the near future with a friend of mine - nothing elaborate just a couple of days away for me; I am hoping to clear the cobwebs a bit. Again, thanks to those, that I have observed over time, who now reach out thier hand to me.
Still no sign of gypsy… how weird !
Oh I bet he’s in Northern Cali with O.G. by now 
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
well Tammy since no one has yet said this or so I could see, Im really sorry to hear that happened to you. This on line stuff is pretty scary. I met Brian this way and every day Im scared shitless of him finding someone else the same way, even though hes not looking and I KNOW hes not a dog at ALL, just still makes your heart skip a few beats when the thought comes into your head. God knows we all have irrational thoughts sometimes about things that will never happen.
I do feel for you and what your going through. god knows I have been slammed on enough in my lifetime by men that I have cared for and I thought cared for me. Youll get through it Tammy you just have to be strong and try to look at it like atleast you found out now and not later when it would be even HARDER to get out of the situtaion. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope you fine happiness with that right guy someday. (and yes he is out there someplace)
Love Always,
Heather Lee
XheatherleeX@aol.com
Thanks Heatherlee!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Tammy. It hurts like hell, and can erode your willingness to trust. You, and your kids, in now way invited or deserved the callousness Gypsy showed you.
If company helps, I am just now getting shed of just such an ice-hearted predator. Worse, I married him and wasted 9 years of my life on him. Let’s put it this way, he has been living w/ one girlfriend for about 10 months now, and has at least 2 others on the line–via Internet–that I know of. They are good, honest-hearted women who are nuts in love w/ a total bastard, and he is promising marriage to all of them.
I don’t know how people can be that way. He is the most seemingly sincere, kind person you could ever want to meet. And he has no, absolutely NO conscience whatsoever.
This will probably seem like very faint comfort, but you haven’t lost anything of value and he’ll never BE anything of value. You had a bad experience, but your character and integrity are intact. You’ll recover from the blow and be stronger for it. Hannu will just continue through life, an emotional black hole that sucks up light and energy from those around him.
Having lived through it, I’ll risk sounding pompous and tell you how lucky you are. It hurts like hell now, but you did not throw away years of your love, and your childrens’
love, and slow, prolonged disillusionment.
You found out in time, and walked away clean.
His loss, Tammy, his loss in every possible way.
I wish you the very best. He IS the exception to the rule (though for a truly spooky minute I thought you were talking about my Ex–I almost vomited–also Scandinavian, an Internet freak…shudder).
There are plenty of strong, loving, decent guys out there, and you just had a lucky escape from a creep so you’ll be free when you meet the right guy.
If you want, please feel free to email me at any time. I’d be glad to listen.
All the best, and stay strong, ya hear? You’re in the worst part right now. Each day it’ll get a little easier. The healing will be a lot faster than it feels like right now.
Veb
I will give you my humble opinion of where the evasive Gypsy may be. I gave him back his ring, Finnish jewelry, and everything else that he gave me and told him to NEVER bother me again. Obviously, he is a very insecure person, stringing along myself and the others. I have no doubt whatsoever that he has made that little side trip with his green garters and gummy bears to visit his BG and bolster his altered ego.
Thanks Veb for your wise words.
You’ve all been great!
A cool quote that someone just sent me - I thought you might appreciate it Veb.
“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.” Taken out of context, but it works.
OK, I just sewd two really thick comforters together, I have a cold bottle of blackberry wine and some snacks in the picnic hamper.
And here Tammy, I brought a half dozen of the premixed Jack Daniels and cokes just for you. Not if Gypsy will just show up. I saw a post he made in the pit, but forgot to check the date and time, darn it,. Bring out the hounds we’ll track him down , I went to a lot of trouble to get ready for this show !
Oh and Tammy, I’m sorry Mr. Dreamboat turned out to be Mr. OhShit. It happens, not all men are total jerks, but the ones who are seem to work extra hard at it ! ( Same goes for women, I don’t want to be accused of male-bashing.)
All together everyone - WE WANT THE SHOW, WE WANT THE SHOW.
I would have said we want Gypsy, but I think we all may have enough problem without adding one more.
Ayesha - Lioness
You sound reasonable. Must be time to up my medication.
:: Still looking for Gypsy ::
Last sighted:
" posted 10-24-1999 10:01 PM
here are some more pearls to the swine.
Bite Me
I’ll be a monkey’s uncle
Fuck me gently with a wirebrush
Jeesus H. Christ "
In the God’s Nightgown thread( http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/002018.html ). The fucker can’t even get his swearing straight, let alone original.
Gypsy, come out come out wherever you are. Some people are saying stuff about your mother already…
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
The last sighting was “posted 10-25-1999 08:43 AM”
>^,^<
KITTEN
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Hell, make it a double bill; get OG and Burn in here too.
I get PPV rights, though. Don King can stuff it.
“I’m still here, asshole!”-Angus Bethune
Im really sorry for the pain this dickwad has caused you. I was very lucky and met someone pretty wonderful online. Alas… we are in different countries but remain close. As for the gummy bear woman… did she know about you and dickwad? If so, she has as much class as a floor mop as well. Perhaps we should invite them both for tea and fireworks. Players always lose in the end…
We are, each of us angels with only one wing;
and we can only fly by
embracing one another
Player-haters! All of you!
Sue - after coming accross one of Hannu’s phone bills, I confronted him. He explained they were friends that he was trying to get rid of. He had been thier friend and they had problems. When he went to Europe I thought about what he had said. I really am not the jealous type but my best friend of many years, a guy, told me that because I was “engaged” to the man I’d better get to the heart of the matter; it didn’t sound right to him. I called the gummie bear lady and asked her what the deal was with all the conversations she had been having with my fiance. She told me she was his friend only and if I had any more questions that I’d better speak with my fiance. On the 24th my daughter asks Hannu and I to take her to the library. On route, I find a receipt from a Swiss Chalet for dinner for four people, dated when my love was out of town, supposedly visiting his family in Europe. The Swiss Chalet was in Canada. At the library, we all get on different computers and I begin investigating the Swiss Chalet receipt. The telephone number is listed, but no area code. I do a search and find that it is in a town that I am unfamiliar with. So, I do map search and find that the Swiss Chalet borders the town that the gummie bear lady lives in. I look accross the computers at my love, he smiles lovingly at me. I print up all my information, go to washroom to compose myself, then come back to my fiance. I ask him to come with me out into the lobby where it is private. We sit down and I hand him all the printed material. I ask him if he’d lied to me about his return trip home from Europe and if he’d gone to see the gummie bear lady. Caught red-handed he had nothing to do but squirm; he did confess to going to see her. With complete composure, I tell my Hannu to never bother me again. The next day I go to his apt. and drop off the ring he gave me, the jewelry he brought back from Europe, and all the rest. I suspect that if he didn’t drive that night to the gummie bear lady, then he more than likely did the following day. I would not even put it past him to offer her some of the gifts that I’d just returned to him.
well may gummy and scummy live happily every after
We are, each of us angels with only one wing;
and we can only fly by
embracing one another