Deep Fryer of Death

It was a dark and stormy night (no, really), dinner time and I had virtually no food in the house being as I live alone and hate shopping. It was so miserable out – cold rain with wind gusts of 50 mph – and I was already in my flannel jammies that I nixed the idea of calling Pizza Delivery Guy. Perusing my barren kitchen, I spied some potatoes and decided that french fries were just the ticket. I have a small deep fryer which I keep on the kitchen counter (I have a fair amount of counter space and not so much cabinet space that would accommodate a deep fryer) and rarely use, having developed an unhealthy dependence on Pizza Delivery Guy. I usually change the oil every couple of months or so and had just done so last time I used it – about three weeks ago - so I knew the oil was fairly fresh. After peeling, slicing and setting the potatoes to soak, I cranked on the deep fryer, little knowing what horror awaited me…

Things to keep in mind:

I am not the neatest of housekeepers but by no stretch of the imagination am I slovenly.

I leave the lid off the deep fryer after use while it cools down.

Sometimes, perhaps I am not so diligent about replacing the lid in a timely fashion – last time I used it (three weeks ago, remember – this is key), I think I left the lid off for about a week before replacing it (without looking inside – again, key).

I live in a 260 year old house on just over three acres, mostly field and wooded.

Now that the scene is set, while the deep fryer is heating, the heroine of our tale (me!) blithely goes upstairs to perform some domestic chores, laundry to be specific. The laundry room is located directly above the kitchen. After a couple of minutes, I hear the deep fryer LOUDLY popping, which I think is odd because it only pops when something is in it and I haven’t put the fries in yet. But I merrily go on my oblivious way and finish sorting clothes until I begin to smell the foulest, most disgusting, gut wrenching stench I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter. I dash downstairs to see smoke emanating from the deep fryer – the lid still firmly in place - and clearly the source of the foeter, which was redolent of moldering corpses left to fester in the tropical sun (don’t ask how I know what that smells like). So naturally, I remove the lid, releasing the foul mephitis (why, yes, I do have a thesaurus, why do you ask?) directly into my face and allowing it to permeate the very essence of my abode. The smell was so overwhelming that I promptly horked up everything in my stomach, thankfully missing the deep fryer and hitting the floor instead. (Which the resident hounds thoughtfully helped me clean up…)

So decomposed fried mouse, anyone?? It’s quite the delicacy, I hear. Apparently, it had climbed into the deep fryer whilst the lid was off for that week or so and drowned. And then sat there decomposing for two weeks in the oil after I put the lid back on. Urg. After unplugging the Deep Fryer of Death™, I had to get it out of the house. Just being a small Deep Fryer of Death™, I decided I would just dump it out in the compost heap, the environment be damned. Now remember that it’s pouring rain with gusting winds. I was so anxious to get the evil thing out of my house that I didn’t think about what happens when water hits heated oil. Upon removing the lid, I was enveloped by a billowing cloud funkitude, in addition to splatters of liquid funkitude on my flannel jammies, causing me to hork yet again. A miasma of death hung over the house and grounds for several hours and two showers failed to remove the stench from my hair and inside my nose.

For the record, I’m never turning on any cooking appliance without checking inside first. In fact, I may never cook, eat or smell again.

So how was your day?

:eek:

but…but…what about the fries!!!

(yeah, if only it took but a dead deep fried mouse to kill my appetite…!)

Now, only if you had a Cooler of Death to pour the contents into…

When I wrap that turkey in bacon and deep fry it, I will check for mice first.

The fries are still in a bowl in the fridge. My appetite for fried foods has been severely diminished. Although I did go purchase a new deep fryer and the Deep Fryer of Death™ is residing in the trash outside, no doubt plotting its revenge…

Mice in your kitchen, see, this is where you need a cat instead of hounds.

No, no, the hounds are to catch the cats. Then you have to get a horse to catch the hounds.

OOoooh…I had a feeling where this was going as soon as I read the part about the house being in a wooded area.

Decomposed mouse is a horrid, horrid smell that permeates everything. Blech.

Would the cats have eat my vomit?

You should try deep frying said decomposing mouse…

When it floats, it’s ready!

Oh man, I knew where this story was going from the get-go. I’ve caught 17 mice in my apartment (the downstairs people used to store food inappropriately and the mice climb through the walls) over the past several years. I’ve got two traps baited permanently and check them first thing in the morning, EVERY morning. I also store my small deep-fat fryer with the lid on, to keep out not just mice but ordinary dust.

Cats can backfire, though, insofar as they tend to catch things outside and bring them in – sometimes dead, sometimes alive, and sometimes injured and dying.

Once when I was a kid, my mother vacuumed up a long-dead lizard from underneath a sofa. It so happens that vacuum cleaners are perfectly designed to quickly disseminate odors throughout an area – all you need to do is turn it on and suck up something odiferous.

It was a good – no, make that gawdawful – four days or so before that stench was completely gone.

Ugh, me too, but I went along for the ride anyway. Ugh, poor you! But well told and funny anyway. :smiley:

The weird thing is (well, the whole thing is weird, frankly) that I’ve never seen any mice, or signs of them, in the house. No poop, no food boxes chewed, nada.

As for cats bringing things in, one of the hounds brought in a barn rat last winter. It was freaking huge (14 inches from nose to tail) but dead, praise Baby Jesus. He was so proud of himself and couldn’t figure why I was freaking out.

when i was a wee one many, many moons ago, my folks had a dog that thought itself a world-class ratter (is that a word?).
said dog was a hulking giant of an irish setter named, i kid you not, jeffrey (no, i have no idea why they stuck that poor animal with that name).
more than once, he brought home a present for my mother. of the rodent variety. didn’t matter which kind of rodent. he was unprejudiced: rats, mice, possums, moles - once even a bat! - anything he could catch. then he would try to breeze in the back or front door, prize in hand, so to speak.
did i mention that my mother, who could face down an approaching f5 tornado with equanimity, was deathly afraid of rodents?
i remember more than once seeing her on top of the dining room table, kitchen counter, once even the piano, cowering and hollering at the top of her lungs for my dad. quite the floor show.:smiley:
jeff would be standing there, prize in mouth, watching my mother right along with me, no doubt wondering what in the world was wrong with her.

Actually, I think Jeffrey is kind of a cool name for a dog - it would be better if your parents had English accents.

I have a tear in my eye. This ranks up there with Broomstick’s pus stories. Well written and wonderfully told!

I had a Mr Coffee about 20 years ago. You can’t see into the water tank. You pour in water, put the filter and coffee grounds in the tray. Turn on. Enjoy.

Six months later, I got bored one rainy day. Cleaned the Coffee Pot. Removed that plastic grill where the water gets pored in. I wanted to wipe out the tank.

Found 4 dead roaches. bleached white from the water baths and heat.

Mr. Coffee went in the trash. I bought a Sunbeam that had an exposed water tank covered with a lid. That way you could see where your water went.

Bleech, bugs and rats are nasty.

So no Pomme Frittes avec Souris?

:eek::eek::eek:

methinks i’ll be scoping out my my cuisinart tonite.

I am soooooooo sorry I opened this thread. :frowning: