Oops. Missed the husband part. Nevermind about this weekend…
You know what I want? I want to be a “worker in the field” or a “laborer in the vineyard” or a “stomper out of grain” or one of those wholesome, low-stress, hard-work Biblical careers. Something that pays the bills and allows me to live without wondering, every single month, whether I’m going to make enough money to live in my rented house a bit longer, or have to move into the YMCA.
I’ve given up entirely on trying to make a mark on the world. The machine has to have cogs; why shouldn’t I just be a cog in the machine?
If God has a Big Plan for me, I don’t think it’s going to involve my being CEO of anything. It may just be, being in the right place at the right time, saying the right word to the right person. That could make all the difference.
Wait, and pray, and be faithful.
And may I add: Jarbabyj, I’m really fond of you and your posts. You’re an absolute doll. I just had to say that. 
wanna get me pregnant?
I guess the question is…if God truly wants me to be happy, which I believe he does, why doesn’t he let me succeed at something right now? He has the power to give me everything I need and want, and yet he doesn’t, and why is that?
This thread has been very helpful, it’s given me a lot of stuff to think over.
Ava, I’ll be seeing the doctor next month. I have to try to conceive for nine consecutive months before taking ‘drastic measures’.
jar
jarbabyj,
Bear with me, I’m not trying to be judgemental but perahps you need to consider this…what are you doing FOR God? Are you truly saved? Are you bearing true Christian fruit? Do you tithe? Are you in the Word? Does Christ live in your heart?
All I can tell you is that not too long ago I was simply lukewarm to God. Seemed like a good idea but I was busy in MY life. My wife on the other hand was/is a devout Christian. I can tell you firsthand that after she became serious about her faith and began to do God’s will (not hers) that I could simply not ignore the blessings raining down on us. I KNOW I didn’t deserve it but it happened. Two beautiful gifted children, a BIG career change (went back to college), a BIG move away from our families, with decent jobs now. After all this happened…and from my perspective it was by the hand of God…well I felt compelled to study more. Things were happening all around me. After facing the facts and looking deep into my heart and seeing evidence with my eyes…well I made a decision. Just last year, I gave my life to Christ and it’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Am I now suddenly rich? No. Have I gotten better looking? No. Is everything GREAT all the time? No.
Do I have troubles? Yes. Do I feel stress? Yes. Do I struggle too do right? Yes.
As a matter of fact, I struggle MORE with myself than ever before because now I’m aware of my duality (old man=sinful nature vs. new man=In dwelling Christ).
My point is…now that I’m a Christian and I WORK at doing what is right…well, God takes care of me and my family. I can tell you that I used to be adamant about tithing in full…I used to give my wife heck about it because even though we have decent jobs, there still was college to pay for, a mortage, two cars, daycare etc. etc. After I got saved, I told her to do what’s right and you know what? We have NEVER gone short on cash. We have NEVER struggled with money being too tight. God provides because (I feel) we are giving freely as we’re supposed to. Not only that but we contribute work to the Church because we WANT to and because we know it’s right. We also pray separately several times daily with all our hearts and we give God all the glory for what he’s done for us. We’re thankful for what he’s done but we also are willing to do his will regardless of what we feel. We have to put effort forth in order to recieve. You know…“God helps those who help themselves”.
What you may not know or recognize is that perhaps God’s plan is ONLY for you to witness at your office. WHAT IF that’s all God wants from you? I don’t know but I have found if you have a relationship with God and ask for opportunities to do his will…well, you’d be surprised what will be presented.
I hope you find peace in your heart.
Hi, jarbabyj. Hang in there!!
I’d like to chime in by saying that I’ve been in this situation where I ask “WHEN?” (and I don’t think there’s a way to ask that sort of question in lowercase, either. It’s all shouting to yourself when you’re in that situation.
If it helps, the first thirty years of your life for you seems to have been spent very valuably. You are taking some hard knocks and getting that out of the way and learning from the mistakes of others. This, as you are well aware, is not at all fun; in fact, it’s miserable. But when you do get through it–and I believe you will, as you seem very tough, strong, nice, and sincere from what I’ve read–you will know how NOT to do things. And THAT’S a very good thing to know. THAT’S what is going to ensure you don’t screw your life up with some crazy stunt when you’re in your 40’s in some half-assed midlife crisis.
This probably won’t help your mood much. I heard the same thing while in your situation, and it sounded like so much shit and saccharine, but looking back on it, the tough times were worth the lessons they imparted to me.
And, btw, this isn’t to say that this shit is deserved. It’s just … inevitable. Every life fully lived with passion and caring will encounter times such as yours. If you didn’t care, none of this crap would get to you.
One more thing: I’m with blanx on the whole “keep your faith” advice. I’m an atheist who’s perfectly happy with his atheism, but in times like these, faith can be a powerful and wonderful thing. There are times, in fact, when I still wish I had it. Anyone can have faith when times are good. Faith is harder to come by when times get a little flakey. So ride this thing out until times get better and then reexamine any religious faith issues you might have.
Once more, hang in there. You seem like good people, jarbaby. I think you’ll get through this time.
This is going to sound platitudy - and marginally chicken soup. I’ll hate myself for it in the morning.
I honestly think that He does give us what we need when we need it. That it isn’t necessarily about learning something, just timing. (Sometimes it is, but not always).
Also, I guess at times (ok, it has happened at times) that what I want is often exactly what I don’t need (or at least not right then).
I don’t know, I’m going through kind of the same sort of thing right now- I know what I want, so much it hurts - and it seems that I just can’t have it. And I have no choice, I find, but to keep praying (a lot of the time, in anger) - and my mom is the least helpful person on earth (the stories she tells, they make the situation worse. I think she thinks she’s helping, but totally misses the boat, could not be a worse encourager, but I’m digressing), and praying some more, and looking for the things that He is giving to me, and being thankful for what He has done for me in the past.
My wife and I were married for three years and not really thinking of having a child. Her doctor told her that because of some female problem, she would have trouble getting pregnant. He said for her to elevate her hips with a pillow and not get out of bed after sex. We followed the instructions and I became a daddy, immediately. Three years later, we decided to have another and like clockwork , it happened again.
I can’t swear that it was due to his advice, but I can’t swear it wasn’t. My point is that if you haven’t seen a doctor yet, you haven’t played all of your cards yet, by a long shot.
After the second child, I didn’t want anymore children. A few years later my oldest son was in Cub Scouts and the leader was a foster parent. We became foster parents and ended up adopting three children. At age 41, I was going thru adopting a set of 3 year old twins. At that time, I was doing a lot of soul searching about what God was doing to my life.
The twins are 23 now and I not only lived thru it, but I feel I’ve had a much more rewarding life because of it. God doesn’t give you everything you want and sometimes He gives you more than you want.
A few years back, we had a minister who had two grown adopted boys. He confided in me one day about how people made it obvious to him that they felt adoption was inferior to being a natural parent. He wanted to know how I felt about it, because I knew both sides. I was able to help him that day and he was able to help me, many times, in my doubts about being a Christain.
What I’m saying is that you have many options open and there are probably many surprises waiting for you. You need to open yourself up to those options and seeing the doctor will be your first step.
Good luck and we’ll all be praying for you.
i have been through this and came to certain conclusions
God does not need me
I need Him.my choice
praying can only be effective if it is in God’s will
I have not nor ever will know God’s plan for anything…
just that He has one.
so I pray anyway
my pastor told me if you have a really bad headache and you come to Christ you immediately have Christ, and the headache but its better than not having Him…it might just work.?
faith is spelled r.i.s.k.
i take risks everyday.
Not a christian, but get the concept.
I think you start from a flawed premise. Who ever told you that God’s plan was for you to “be happy” in the manner you describe? That’s certainly not what I’ve heard about it.
You are looking at stuff you want, pointing at it, and saying: “God, gimme that, then I’ll be happy like you want me to be.” Good heavens, you sound like a spoiled child!
I think you need to completely reverse the whole picture. God does not want to give you whatever you’ve concluded will make you happy… God wants you to be grateful and happy for all the good things you’ve already got, and you’ve got an embarassment of riches by almost any measure, judging from what you present here.
Start with gratitude. Live in that for awhile. Bathe in it. Every time you find yourself whining about what you don’t have, stop and reflect on what you DO have and how blessed you are. Make it a habit. Chase every whiny thought you have away and fill that space with a grateful thought instead, until it has become an ingrained habit, until you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. And do it * without expectation of anything. * Do it honestly, cuz, ya know, God can tell when you’re faking.
When that has become your habit, you just might find changes afoot. But even if you don’t, it won’t matter.
stoid
Jarbaby, I have been told that adversity is God’s way of drawing us closer to Him. People who get everything they want when they want it tend not to be reliant on God, and don’t concern themselves with God’s plan. Having said that, I do believe that God wants us to be happy. But there could be a reason you just can’t see right now why what you want for yourself might not be such a great idea. I think of it in terms of parent/child. I am no more capable of understanding God’s plan for me than my 3-year-old is capable of understanding my plan for her. She thinks eating five cookies would be a great idea. She’s incapable of understanding why I won’t let her. I am incapable of understanding why God won’t let me have all the things I want, when I want them. But faith means that I trust that if I do my best, things will turn out as they are supposed to. I said a healing prayer for you (it’s for physical and emotional healing), and will keep you in my thoughts.
Norine
Although I DO see your point, I hardly see desiring a job that I’m content and successful in and raising a family as being “spoiled”. It’s not like I’m asking for a solid gold house and a pony.
A woman’s body is created to grow children, and I am dumbfounded as to why I’m not supposed to do that. And if God possessed me with talents that are creative, why in the world am I not meant to use them?
You are being awfully stubborn in holding on to your view of how it’s supposed to be. I note that you had zip to say about the rest of my post.
Maybe YOUR body isn’t supposed to grow children? Maybe God’s task for you has nothing to do with what you think it ought to be. The way I’ve always heard it, God is primarily concerned with you doing His will, not you getting what you want and being happy according to your idea of what being happy should include.
Maybe your talents are supposed to be given away for free? Maybe God is waiting for you to figure out how you can use your talents to glorify Him, rather than yourself? Maybe God is denying you your own biological children because he’s decided that he wants you to save some of His children that are without a loving family to care for them?
If you are sincere about being a Christian, and believing that God has a plan, you need to get over thinking that you know what that plan is, use your talents to do good in the world, get in touch with gratitude, and just do what is in front of you to do without complaint.
Stoid, I’m very grateful for the things God has given me, and I thank him every day for it. He has frankly kept me from suicide at my lowest points when I thought my life had no purpose and I remembered this verse:
Whether his plans are for me to die of Cancer in three years or live until I’m ninety and have fifty grandchildren, I would like for part of this plan to be revealed to me just a tad. I’d like to know if I’m on the right path. Hey, if I’m supposed to be a secretary until the day I die, I’d like to know so I can just give up on everything else. If I’m not supposed to have kids, then perhaps the doctors could stop telling me that I’m perfectly fertile and healthy. Get it? I’m not asking God to give me things blindly, I’m asking for an understanding of what I’m supposed to do.
I am sincere about being a Christian, and I am a grateful, praise filled, peace filled Christian…but haven’t you ever heard someone say “Gosh, I just found out what I’m supposed to do be doing with my life…it all came to me!” and then their life falls into place?
Guess what? I’m thirty and it hasn’t happened. I have no idea, and meanwhile, the finite lifetime is passing by.
Interesting perspective you have. I think it is a 30’s thing to want to achieve all these goals …and right now! (I remember that.) It takes awhile to realize that you are living the best part of life by going through the journey. That reality will eventually grown on you. What else do you want to be besides and actor or a writer? These are good hobbies, but hard to count on as a profession. Why do you have to be a secretary if you hate it so much? I really don’t see where God plays in the whole scheme of things here. Seems he is being used more as a crutch…it’s OK to keep your faith in mind, if that helps, but why make your belief in God an excuse for not doing what you really want to do?
I’m not sure how much advice I can offer here. If you assume that the Creator is a perfect being, well, I frankly find it difficult to reason from such an absurd premise. Yeah, it’s possible that everything in the world is just as great as it can be and if we don’t feel that way it’s just due to our tiny brains’ lack of understanding. But really, how likely is that? My feeling is that a perfect being would create a perfect universe, and that ain’t what we got. If I were omnipotent, I probably could have done better. You could have. There are a lot of problems in the world, and an omnipotent being could fix them. There are lots of things that we think are wonderful for humans to do, so why aren’t they done directly by God? Why would it be good for humans to do them, but not for God to do them? How can one believe in such an entity and still believe in any sort of positive morality, i.e., believe that it’s good to do certain things, not just good to refrain from doing certain things? With God in charge, why aren’t those things done already?
Nonetheless, if we assume that there is a God and He is indeed the best possible guy to have in charge of this joint, it pretty much follows, it seems to me, that helping you out is not in fact “good” in some ultimate sense. If your own goals conflict with some greater plan, perhaps you can derive some comfort from the belief that God is serving something far more important than your own concerns. (Or maybe you’ll be mad that your own goals conflict with the ultimate good, since that means you can’t get what you want; after all, there’s nothing inherently objective about our desires. I wish there were.)
Frankly, it seems a little odd to me that people should lose or question their faith as a result of personal experience. I mean, were they not already aware that bad things happen to good people? Did it never occur to them to think about that before? But then, there’s not necessarily anything rational about what we believe (or don’t).
I also agree that trying to get the things you want is kind of a spiritually backward approach to happiness. You should, indeed, first try to be grateful for what you have. Buddhism (I think) teaches that suffering is created by desire. The problem isn’t really that you don’t have the things that you want, it’s that you want things that you don’t have. No matter how much you achieve, you’ll always want more. The secret to lasting contentment is to stop wanting. The problem with this, of course, is that it is really friggin’ hard.
It’s possible that you may not be able to have children. It’s possible that you may never succeed in acting or writing. It’s also possible, and probably more likely, that you will just have to wait awhile. Even then, you’re left with the problem of what to do in the meantime. But c’mon, things can’t be all that bleak. Surely there’s something else you find fulfilling. If you think there isn’t, search for something. And of course, keep trying at the things that are so important to you.
I dunno about the theory that if you lead your life right, good things will happen to you. But my feeling is that if you’re going to be miserable anyway, you might as well be moral. Try to help people who are less fortunate than you; as hard as it may be to believe right now, there are probably a lot of them. You may even find that it makes you feel better. Stranger things have happened.
I can’t really relate to the desire for a child. After all, we’re not even taking care of all the people we have; I hardly see the need to make more. But then again, I’m not working hard to provide for anyone. Having a kid is probably a lot better than not doing anything. Nonetheless, it’s probably not the absolute best thing to do, in the moral sense. Maybe you could try providing child care to someone who needs the help. Interacting with children might help to fill the void you feel, even if it’s not the same as having a child of your “own”.
Also… you longed for a baby when your cousin had a wonderful baby she didn’t want? Well, am I the only one to see an obvious solution there? Granted, there may be a million reasons why it wouldn’t have worked out. Maybe open adoptions aren’t done where you live (I don’t think they’re legal everywhere yet), and you didn’t want to take care of a child you might have to give up. Maybe your cousin wouldn’t have agreed. Maybe you want to have a child of your “own”, instead of adopting. In any case, it’s probably too late to do anything about it now. But I though that I would mention that, just in case it isn’t.
I also know the Meaning of Life, but I’m not sure it’s strictly relevant here. Still, I thought I’d mention it. There is an interesting section that denies that happiness is really meaningful for its own sake. On the other hand, it goes on to say that pleasure might be meaningful, and I don’t really see the distinction; I mean, even if they aren’t the same thing, one invariably accompanies the other, right? Ah well.
I hope that at least some of this is helpful, even though there’s a good chance that it wasn’t. I suspect that there are some situations where just saying something to someone isn’t going to help. Even realizing that the problem is due in part to the behavior of your own mind, not just external circumstances, doesn’t in itself make it better. Sometimes, there are no easy solutions, and you just have to keep trying until you find something that works.
But you have my sympathy.
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I’m very very grateful for all that have, if I haven’t made that clear, I’d like to right now. There are some who never find a true love like I have in my life, some who are struggling to pay the electic bill or what have you, some who can’t travel. Some who don’t have a lovely, fulfilling relationship with their parents and siblings…and I have all of that, and I’m so grateful for that it nearly makes me cry.
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Like I said above, I’m not asking for THINGS so much as knowledge or guidance. For example, if I am not able to have a baby I want that to be made clear to me.
Perhaps my question was phrased incorrectly in the beginning. I knew it had the potential to come out ‘whiny’, and begging for sympathy, and while I appreciate it, that really wasn’t what I was looking for. That’s why I put it in Great Debates.
I want to know what the different schools of religious thought are on the purpose of confusion, suffering, ‘wandering’ perse. I DO believe God wants me to be happy. God created us to spread love and joy and feel love and joy and the happiness we find in Christ. I DO NOT believe that God just wants us to sit around burning sacrifices and settling for what’s easiest in life.
If I was supposed to be an automaton office worker, God would have put in me no ambition or creative drive or desire. So I’m wondering what it’s there for.
Why do you believe God wants you happy? What makes you different than the millions of people he allows to starve to death every year in Africa? What makes you different from the millions of suffering people in India? Why do you deserve more happiness than people who live under oppressive governments and don’t have any freedoms.
Honestly, why should God care about you and your petty desires at all? If he’s going to be all “people need to be happy” I’d expect him to start by feeding some starving babies. I’d expect him to start by helping some homeless children find shelter in harsh winter months. I wouldn’t expect him to say “wow, jar needs a kid. Better get on that.” Maybe he’s given you all the blessings and guidance you’re going to get.
I guess my whole post is really just about one question though…why do you deserve it and why should God care?
Maybe God doesn’t have your life planned out for you. Maybe it’s up to you to decide what to do with your life, and to deal with any problems that arise. And maybe it’s also your job to figure out when the obstacles involved are insurmountable, and quit.
Maybe some people do have “destinies”, in some divine sense, but that doesn’t mean that everyone does. Not everyone is necessarily suited to something they enjoy, either. Maybe some of us just bumble our ways through life until we die. Even then, it’s not all bad. We can still make the best of what we have.
And if God does have a plan for you, maybe it involves not knowing what it is. Maybe you’re meant to struggle, and maybe this is one of the things you’re meant to struggle with. Perhaps, if you’re lucky, all will be revealed when the time is right.
“Can you really assume God’s purpose is inscrutable just because nobody has ever figured it out? Since God hasn’t told us, doesn’t it follow that anyone who did figure it out would refuse to tell anyone?”
- The Meaning of Life FAQ by Eliezer S. Yudkowsky
By the way, I was lucky enough to find out what I should be doing with my life when I read the linked FAQ. The problem is getting off my ass and doing it. This is no minor problem, either.
Personally, I believe that it’s bad for anyone to suffer or be unhappy. Suffering may be justifiable, but only as a means to an end.
God should care, in theory, because He’s a benevolent entity. But I’m not fully convinced that that’s the case. Really, why should we expect God to share our notions of what constitutes “good”? That may be the root of the problem here.
I think God is less hands-on and less planful than you believe. It’s just a difference of opinion, of course.
I think God gives us gifts, but He doesn’t ordain how we use them. Maybe they’ll bring you joy–or maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll lead to a career–or maybe they won’t. God gives us talents and abilities and flaw and problems–and then He gives us strength and will and individuality which lets us pursue things as we choose. We don’t all make wise decisions, and we don’t all use our talents in the same way (or at all). But I do think it’s up to us (just my belief).
I don’t think God meant for me to find one right man and choose one right pre-planned career and have a pre-ordained number of children. I made (what I think are) good choices, but they were MY choices.
I think if anything, God wants us to use our talents to do more good than harm, something I haven’t always done. For example, I have a sense of humor that I used to use against people–I don’t do that any more.
Everyone has talents that aren’t fully used, or which don’t get used in a profession–there are many excellent writers here on the board who don’t write professionally, for example. I am creative, but my job doesn’t call for much creativity. I use it in other ways.