In case any of you were wondering what my childhood was like …
My mom was way ahead of this lady back in 1976.
I once had a birthday party (pre-kindergarten) where she invited all the ill-mannered neighbor children, wouldn’t let them give me gifts, and wouldn’t let me win any of the prizes at the party games. These were very underprivileged kids, but needless to say at 5 or 6 years old I didn’t quite get the social policy implications.
Yes, I went through an insanely materialistic rebellion stage.
For the sake of the benefit of the doubt, it may be that the five kids are family members or very close family friends who she can discuss this situation candidly with. I doubt anyone would just spring that one someone.
I totally agree with this. Not only did she tell 5 people that they “get” to bring presents, but they were to “go wild” and make sure the gifts were “BIG”!!!
Woah! Miss Manners INDEED would be completely freaking. Never EVER EVER should gifts be mentioned in an invite (me, I let the ideas of “no gifts” or “the mother to be is registered at…” slide, but even those make Miss Manners prickle).
Not to sound like an old coot, but I NEVER had birthday parties with 25 kids. I remember my 5th birthday, which included maybe all of the 15 kids from my pre-school, and that was about the biggest party ever until I threw one for myself last year when I turned 26. Parties I went to were always small, 10 girls max I’d say.
It is quite possible though that I did not WANT a birthday party with 25 people because I could not find 25 I liked that were my age.
Parents of small kids: Does YOUR kid’s class make a habit of inviting the entire class to a birthday party? That’s…25 kids birthday parties a year! One every 2 weeks. Sounds like “no gifts” should be the norm, not the exception.
I’ll jump in and agree with the crowd saying “The mom had a valid point but went about it in a rude and arrogant way.”
We also hate getting lots of crap presents for our kids, and too many birthday presents are just plastic crap that you have to find room for and then throw away. Our solution?
[hop on high horse]Our 7 year old was given the choice of a regular party with presents and a limited number of friends, or a party with more friends where we rented out a local pool (pretty cheap here at around $90) and we asked them all to bring presents to donate to Habitat for Humanity or the local animal shelter. She was very excited to be donating stuff to help, and so chose the pool party. We were very proud.[/high horse]
But then, we live in a modern day Mayberry college town. I hear stories about areas where if you don’t have a hired entertainer at a 6 year olds party, you are seen as weird. Those stories make me want to hurl.
I’m not taking a stand for or against book swaps, but the woman sounds extremely manipulative to me – not just of her son, but of other people around her.
As a kid, living in Ohio, the weather was always crappy and the toy stores’ shelves barren (I know that’s not the case anymore.) Still, more than once snow cancelled plans and/or prevented people from coming. Also, more than once the flu ruined a childhood b-day.
As a teen, I had exams on my birthday throughout high school
As a college student, everyone was broke broke broke after getting back to school, paying tuition, and buying books.
So, let the kid have some fun on his birthday while he’s young. These are days he’s going to remember for the rest of his life. Set some reasonable guidlines.
Because we know, as he grows up, he’s going to get his share of lousy birthdays. No need to do that to him as a child.
I think SteveG1 said it well. It’s asking a lot of a six-year-old to be so abstemious compared to the kids around him. Of course he’s going to want a lot presents when he finds out that’s what all the other kids are getting. He’s six! With the books-plus-gifts, she’s hit on a decent compromise between her values and her kid’s wishes/reality, but the execution could be better in terms of politeness. And yeah, the whole article is pretty smug. I think it’d be better to ask more parents for small gifts so they don’t feel put upon.
It’s beyond the scope of the article, but I’m left wondering if she’s as “Spartan” with her own luxuries as she is with her kid’s.
The “BIG!!!” line was from one of the other parents, not the author of the article.
Like a lot of people, I would agree that children’s parties have gotten ridiculous. It’s stupid to spend thousands of dollars on a birthday party, and it’s stupid to have graduation ceremonies with gowns and caps for kids finishing senior kindergarten, etc. etc. But not getting birthday presents? That’s taking it just a bit too far.
What was not clear was whether or not little Eli got presents from his parents, grandparents, etc.
In any case, frankly, criticizing the kid for being angry that he didn’t get presents at his birthday party is… well, maybe you folks don’t know any five year olds. A child that age cannot understand the concepts of materialism, consumerism, and all that happy crap. They’re simply not that emotionally developed; at that age, abstraction and empathy just aren’t developed. What he sees is that every other kid in his class gets birthday presents and he does not, and he feels bad about it. This isn’t even the same as, say, one kid getting more expensive presents because his parents are richer; this kid was getting borthday parties where he got no presents at all. You’d have reacted the same way when you were five-going-on-six. So would any kid.
I think this line best expresses the author’s perspective:
The author is aware that she is out of step, she is aware that it affects her children, but she also feels the need to raise her children with her own values, like everybody does. Did she handle the situation correctly? Not really - I don’t like her solution much. Did she do the best she could think of? I got the impression that she did. She allowed her son to express himself, she took his opinions seriously, she compromised on her own principles - I don’t think the c-word is warranted here.
I also notice that someone trying to live a life with less conspicuous consumption really seems to hit a nerve with a lot of people here.
“Why, Guinastasia, bundt looks juicy and delicious. May I taste it?”
What if instead I say
“Pardon me, but does your bundt contain dairy products? For you see, I have just finished a delicious weiner.”
Howszabout
“The inside of your bundt is a lovely red velvet cake. Tell me, did you color it with carmine? Because that would mean you have crushed insects in your bundt.”
Mebbe
“I declare that I could spend all day licking this magnicifent white filling from your bundt.”
The issue here is a woman who does not believe in conspicuous consumerism, and is trying to raise her children with these beliefs. Her actions to this end are being met with:
“cook up some manipulative scheme to limit what this friends can give”
“maybe she is just a selfish cheapskate trying to justify it.”
“it was very smugly delivered and full of self-denial. Lady, you’re a (this is not the Pit and I can’t call her something that rhymes with bundt) with how superior you think you’re raising your kid.”
“The mother is being more than self-righteous; she’s being domineering and shrewish, and she’s blaming Eli for his perfectly normal wish to have an ordinary birthday party.”
“It would be different if they were Jehovah’s Witnesses and this were due to religious reasons, but this birthday stigma is all in her head.”
" This lady is definitely a “bundt”."
“What a biznatch! …What–it’s gonna kill her if he has a few more toys she didn’t pick out of the “Approved For Kids Of Annoying Self Righteous Moms” catalog, guaranteed no fun allowed?”
Okay, I’ll give you that - people haven’t so much supported consumerism so much as they have soundly denounced the actions of someone who doesn’t. I don’t think she handled it particularly well, either, but at least she is thinking about these issues and making an effort.
What irks me is she FORCES the kid to invite the entire class. And then she FORCES education on her child.
I mean forcing education is a good thing don’t get me wrong. But on his F’n birthday? :dubious: I’m pretty sure the kid puts in five days a week at the office already.
God forbid this day be about him. Jeesh.
Too bad the kid just couldn’t have a moment of clarity and say “You know what Mom? Thanks, but no thanks, I don’t want a party this year.”
Another thing that occurred to me was that some of the other kids might be giving him a hard time. “Oh, I don’t want to go to Eli’s party-they always suck. Stupid book swap!”
featherlou, I’m not really saying that she’s wrong to want to raise her kids with her values. And quite frankly, I LIKE the idea of a book swap, although not the way she’s done it (shoving the kids out the door with a book so they don’t complain if they get something they already have). It’s just her whole, “I’m sooooo much better than all these other parents!”
I like the idea of an activity party without gifts. It doesn’t even have to be something huge, like taking the kids to an amusement park, or whatever. For example, here in Pittsburgh, we have a children’s museum, which I think would be a lot of fun. Or rent a movie, maybe have some craft activities that the kids could MAKE something for themselves.
And truly, are goody bags getting out of hand? Like I said, when I was little, “goody bags” meant a few pieces of candy, a scrunchy, a string of plastic beads, etc. Nothing huge. Same with game “prizes”.
I, personally, didn’t have a problem with the tone of the article. I didn’t find it self-righteous at all - maybe because it’s all about dealing with a problem that I may well be facing in three or four years’ time (though I too wasn’t all that into the solution she came up with … there have been far better ones just today in this thread. She should have come on the Dope and gotten creative ideas first )
But. I see one huge problem she’s got. Apparently, she’s the only one in her immediate “world” who thinks it’s a bad thing for kids to be getting 25 “plastic crap” presents each year. Apparently all the other parents around her are fine with materialistic culture, and having houses swimming with toys that the kids don’t care about. Twenty-five presents is “the norm”.
And…apparently she’s fine with that. Her child’s peer group consists entirely of kids who are totally immersed in “must have stuff” culture, and she choses to REMAIN in that culture, where he has to interact with kids and families who are IN that culture all the time, and apparently there are NO or VERY FEW families in the area who have a “non-materialistic” culture that’s closer to what she wants for her son.
Why is she still there? How much commitment does she really have to this “Spartan” ideal - when she knows of other places ("central Vermont (a hotbed of Spartanism) " for instance) where there are people whose ideas and philosophy are more to her liking. Is it, perhaps, what Marley23 suggested … that this would entail giving up stuff that SHE or her husband wants (a power career, maybe?) and she’s a lot better at giving up stuff on behalf of her son than herself.
I’ve been taking notes in this thread though . But then again, I don’t really anticipate having big problems in this area when the girls start growing up, because all the families we interact with right now are on the same page as us with this … kids don’t need a Whole Heap o Crap ™ twice a year
What the heck do you know about this woman’s life? How do you have any idea she is “selfishly” pursuing a “power career”? And what exactly is wrong with that? Not pursuing your career is a major life choice. Not getting presents for your fifth birthday isn’t.
Maybe her sick grandma is in DC and she has to take care of her. Maybe she’s broke, sells and article here and there, and couldn’t raise the money for a U-Haul even if she wanted to. Maybe she’s in the military and got transferred to DC. Maybe she’s on bail and will be arrested if she leave the area. Who knows! Where do you even begin to get off on judging this woman based on 500 words about a kid’s birthday party?
This woman is clearly well-off becuase if she weren’t she wouldn’t have to plan for her kid to have a Spartan birthday. If they were poor he aversion to material things would take care of itself.
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. But then again, I don’t really anticipate having big problems in this area when the girls start growing up, because all the families we interact with right now are on the same page as us with this … kids don’t need a Whole Heap o Crap ™ twice a year