Must I participate in the spoiling of your kids?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My wife and I are very close friends with another family. We have kids the same age and we go to the same church. My father-in-law married their mother/mother-in-law two years ago, so we are together on holidays and family functions as well. We live about 2 minutes away from each other. Usually we vacaion together as well. We are really one extended family.

We have so much in common and we enjoy each other’s company immensely.
But they spoil their kids.

Rotten.

They go waaaay overboard buying gifts for Christmas (IMHO). Their 8 year old got an XBox and a TV for his room as well HALO 2, which is rated “T” for teen, among a long list of other expensive items…whatever, that is their perogative.

But this weekend we went to Great Wolf Lodge for the boy’s 9th birthday. It was me and my wife and the other couple and SEVEN KIDS. The rooms were $290 each. The mother paid for everything. That was his “Big Present” you see. Followed by what I guess were the “small presents” like a dance mat for his Play Station, several games for his XBox and Play Station, a football, clothes and other random trinkets.

We got to GWL about 7pm Friday night and left Saturday around 3pm. Apparently it is so important that her kid have a stupendous 9th birthday that I am required to give up 20 hours of my weekend. I know I could have declined, but we KNOW what each other is doing on any given day so my only excuse would have been “I just don’t want to…”, which may not have been such a bad idea, but may have insulted them.

Whatever happened to cake and ice cream and family and friends for birthdays?

How they spoil their kids is up to them. I am trying hard to raise my kids to be responsible and not materialistic. I am having a hard time balancing this with taking my kids to participate in what I consider to be inapropriately lavish offerings to their kids. So what do I do?

I don’t want to damage our relationship, but I cannot abide another event dedicated to the pleasure of a 9 year old.

2

Whoa. Whoa!!!

I have to ask… why? Why on earth would they think that a nine-year old requires all of this? Or do they? Is it really about that? Is this really for him, or is it to impress the people they invited? Either way, the only reaction I have to the whole thing is “yuck.”

On the upside, if things keep up this way, you can no doubt look forward to an all-expenses-paid week long vacation in the Carribean for somebody’s Sweet Sixteen! Most likely with MTV there to film it.

3

No, you musn’t, but are you willing to deal with the drama fallout if you don’t? With all the extended familying going on, there will be drama, no doubt about it. Too bad you couldn’t have refused the invitation just because Great Wolf Lodge has an annoying jingle.

It can be tough being close with folks who’s financial status or priorities don’t match your own, I know. One of my best friends constantly tells her kids “We’d buy you that, but we’re saving for our retirement instead. Do you want X more than you don’t want to support us in our old age?” :smiley:

4

newcrasher writes:

> I know I could have declined, but we KNOW what each other is doing on any
> given day so my only excuse would have been “I just don’t want to…”, which
> may not have been such a bad idea, but may have insulted them.

In the future, do decline the invitation. If they are insulted, so be it. If they are the sort of people who insist that you participate in their spoiling of their children, then perhaps it would be better if you not hang around with them. What they are doing is forcing you to pretend that something that you find objectionable is just fine. Decline in the politest way that you know how, but do decline. There’s no reason to bring up the reason that you are declining unless they force you to do so.

I’m considered very generous in my presents to my nieces and nephews and my virtual nieces and nephews (i.e., the children of my close friends) among my family and my friends. I spend about $60 for Christmas presents per niece or nephew and about $30 on birthday presents for my virtual nieces and nephews. (I have no kids myself, which is perhaps why I am relatively generous.) My friends and I are not remotely poor, incidentally. We all have college degrees (and usually graduate degrees) and are decently well off. My relatives aren’t quite as well off or quite as well educated on average, but they aren’t poor either. None of them would ever shower presents on their kids the way that your friends do. My sister-in-law spent a little too much on presents for her kids this year (although not remotely to the extent that your friends do) and in conversation with one of my other brothers and my parents, it was clear that we were bothered by it.

For me, this is a moral matter. I consider conspicuous consumption to be wrong. I don’t object to people buying things that give them pleasure. I do object to their buying things just to impress other people.

5

Good advice, but again I say, asking for drama. The kids will bitch that they don’t get to go to the cool thing, why Dad why? The wife better be on board or that’s a major issue. The assorted parents/in-laws will surely have opinions, and you’re risking an us vs them fight. The other couple are going to be insulted at your disdain of their choices/lifestyle. “But we’ve always done XYZ together this way!!”

If you and your wife feel the same way and you’re willing to have those battles while somehow maintaining the extended familial closeness, yay!

If not, well hey, someone else wants to pay for my family to do cool stuff? I smile and say thanks, my kid getting to go to a cool place not on my ticket equals okay by me.

6

Thanks for your posts.

I have to say that I am 99.9% sure that they are not trying to impress us. I know the mother is very emotionally insecure and I think she is trying to buy the kids’ love. She is desparate for their approval and love.

Case in point: It was discovered that the mother had a 2 inch mass on her ovary. She wept and nashed her teeth about her “cancer” and joked about planning her funeral and such with her 12 year old daughter. She then rented “Terms of Endearment” and they watched it together. I would call this emotional abuse. (blood filled cyst, by the way)

But I do hear what you are saying Queen Tonya . I could just shut up and roll with it. Sweet 16 should get us to Disney at the least!

But my kids see the mother “buying” the kids and they think it is odd. But if it ever comes to me saying something about their parenting, the relationship dynamic will change and we will appear holier than thou. You know every small decision we make in front of each other regarding the kids will be fodder for future hard feelings. But I think I am ready to make that call, and decline the next offer if it seems outrageous. I don’t want my kids to think I condone it, and want them to appreciate it when I get them a regular gift and have them blow out the candles over a cake at home!

7

I have a different definition of spoiling. To me, what you’re describing isn’t spoiling. Oh, they may be buying everything under the son for their kids, but as long as they can afford it what do I care? Spoiling is allowing the children to get away with murder, giving in to temper tantrums, not punishing them for bad behavior, etc.

Now, the parents may be very materialistic, but unless their son is a hideous little brat who throws a fit when served peas and gets ice cream to shut him up, I wouldn’t call him spoiled.

As far as balancing this with your kids, what’s the angst? If Newcrasherlette and Newcrasher Jr are whining because they want a week-long trip to Disney World for their birthday, so what? You’re the parent, you make the rules, you have the power. There’s no shame in telling kids, “Sorry, we can’t afford that” or “That’s not a wise expenditure of our money.”

So, unless I’m missing something and the kid is a horrid hateful brat, I wouldn’t call him spoiled.

8

I agree with ivylass. It’s their money, and a little bit of materialism isn’t that bad imo (if this is a two day a year thing for each child, then I don’t consider it to be more than a moderate amount). I think it’s possible for you talk to your kids* about the different value systems of your families without ruining the frienship. It will be good practice for them to learn how to overcome/overlook different lifestyle choices while maintaining friendships (ex: there are a lot of adults out there who have no idea how to behave around someone who doesn’t think and live just like them).
*As long as kids are about ten and older.

9

My sister’s family lives in a very affluant neighborhood. The kids in elementary school were getting birthday parties including limo rides to restaurants like the Cheesecake Factory. Every year my sister would have a small party at home for a limited number of kids, with crafts as the activity. Her daughter was perfectly happy with that. It wasn’t that they couldn’t afford it, my sister just thought it was ridiculous. Now at 13 my niece has $3000 in her savings account, Has an almost professional babysitting service most weekend nights and sometimes during the week for spending money and says that she’s saving up for a car, because she knows her mom won’t buy her one. She doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem with it. OTOH, last year she told her mom she wanted to go to Europe, and that’s were the family spent their vacation. My sister and BIL used to live in Germany and my niece wanted to see were she was born.

StG

10

My 7 y.o. nephew has a laptop, pc, xbox, ps2, gamecube, electric moped, gas moped, gas ko-cart, and 56" TV.

Honestly, my wife and I find it very difficult for my 5 yo son to have any relationship with him.

I avoid that family like the plague, and we out earn them. They live irresponsibly, and just when they were about to go belly up, someone dies and leaves them 1.2 mill.

Now b-day parties are on DISNEY cruise lines and resorts, and we get ‘invited’. We decline, and then we get berated with questions and comments about how it only costs 5600 bucks and how we are making our kids (3 and 5) suffer.

11

In the long run, this will backfire to some extent or other on them.

If not, and they really can buy their kids, what they are buying, they will have ruined, by doing so and they will weep before it is over.

You already know what your going to do… Just do it and do the best you can on any given day.

12

I’m confused, you say you’re close but you don’t feel you can tell them your feeling on the matter or at the very least: “No” to an invite?

All I know is, all the people I consider close to me or who are family; I have no qualms at all telling them what’s up.

For instance: When my uncle tried to tell one his stupid racist jokes with in earshot of my 8yo son, I told him: “Dude! are you fuck’n crazy? Don’t talk that shit around my kid! What’s wrong with you man?” :dubious:

He doesn’t do that anymore. He felt bad. (Unfortunately not bad enough to stop all together) and we’re still friends.

13

Hmn… usually, kids who aren’t spoiled are told: "Yeah, so you nephew has an X-box. But YOU get lots and lots of <TLC, attention, an principled immaterialistic upbringing>.

The problem gets bigger when the nephew has TLC, lots of attention, a principle upbringing, AND an X-box.
Or when you’re friends with the parents, so you can’t really accuse them of neglecting the kid in other ways, because the kids will tell and it will come back and bite you in the ass.

Let’s face it: parents like that make us all look bad. Let’s just boycot them entirely, that’ll teach them. :slight_smile:

14

Yeeeeah! decline the invitation, if that’s what you want to do; if that causes drama, enjoy the drama!

15

Oh, I absolutely agree. They’re not doing their kids any favors by giving them their heart’s desire Every Single Time. They’re going to grow up probably spending beyond their means, wondering why they can’t get out from under the debt, and not understanding what a savings account is.

16

Are they spending within their means? Do they buy him everything he wants, or are there items he has to work for and buy himself? Do they give him attention that isn’t monetary? Do they make and enforce boundaries and rules? Does he have chores around the house? Is he polite and well-mannered in public?

If the answer to all or most of the above is “yes”", then I’d have to say he doesn’t sound spoiled, just very, very lucky. But, like ivylass, I don’t think conspicuous consumption is inherently spoiling - tacky, yes, but it doesn’t have to be spoiling.

It sounds like you’re mostly worried about the impact this has on your children. Can you tell us more about that? Have they started asking for or expecting similar gifts? What have you told them in reply? Can you simply say, “We don’t spend that kind of money in our family - how can we make this a really fun and great party without spending a lot?”

Let them plan their parties (with your help) and teach them how to budget. If they can add and subtract, they can budget. This teaches them a valuable life skill, and puts them in the power seat.

Let them enjoy the fact that different people have different lifestyles. It’s a good lesson for Richie Rich, too. He’ll find out he actually can have a lot of fun in your backyard slinging water balloons for $1. Who knows, it may actually rub off on him, and he may request water balloons at his next party.

Be an excellent example in who you are as a person, and try not to worry about the other examples in your kids’ lives. Some of them will be good, some will be bad, but none will have the influence that you will.

(WhyKid just came back from a 3 day waterpark extravaganza with a financially well-off friend for friend’s birthday. He had a blast, but he knows it won’t be the same for his own birthday, and he’s fine with that.)

17

I agree!

My kids want a chucky cheese birthday and after one fateful encounter with another kids birthday there ( amongst 100+ kids, easily.) there was one kid ( not our party ) who had some nasty nasty phlegmy cough. That one kid wiped out the entire boys population of my sons class for the next 6 weeks ( mine was out for 3 from school.Granted it was preschool, but that birthday party ended up costing me $250+ in RX and Doctor’s bills. We send our regrets from now on.)

We haven’t been back and we avoid the Playlands ( McPetri Dishes) as well.
I think this entire mentality of MORE MORE MORE is really the parents balming their souls from whatever they didn’t get as kids and making it up to the kids because Mommy and Daddy have to work to support a lifestyle that is PotteryBarn Yuppie instead of Early Poverty, like their parents, most likely. The kidlets are in daycare/latchkey from early on. Also, thinking that they are creating Warm Fuzzy Moments for their children when really, you can’t do that. Warm Fuzzies are not created. They happen naturally. You cannot plan a Kodak moment.

Thus we have the birth of the Uberparent.
Personally, any parent who has given all those video games to their kids would frighten me. Call me a Luddite. Call me Amish. Call me crazy, but the more electronic pacifiers you have, the less personal one on one you have with your kids. They are giving everything to this child except the greatest gift of all: A platinum American Express Card! No, the gift of getting to know their children and their children learning to know their parents and manipulating them to their iron fisted will!

To me, any parent who has given all those gadgets is afraid to parent. Just my honest opinion.
Signed,

Shirley, the Crazed Amish Luddite.

Who is suppose to be plotting…err…planning a 6 year old birthday party for my daughter within the next two weeks. Its either Princesses, Hello Kitty or Strawberry Shortcake theme. And it is Cake and Ice Cream. Home made cake. I am not spending $40 for some themed cake. No way, Jose.

18

I agree with Omega Glory’s assessment. As long as such events are for special occasions, and not habitual throughout the year, I don’t see it as spoiling their children.

:: sigh :: and on preview, what WhyNot said.
She always says what I wanted to say!!! :smiley:

19

That’s OK, you have a really hot husband and a better collection of garb, so it all evens out somehow! :smiley:

20

I think this could be a life lesson for your kids. Not everyone is going to have the same income level, some people will be able to afford things you can’t, and you can afford things others can’t. The important thing is to teach your children to handle it without jealousy and to show them the value of the intangibles.

For Christmas this year, instead of presents, we took the kids to Busch Gardens for three days. They had a blast, and I think the memories will last them longer than another video game.