Is a “spoiled” child one who has an abundance of material things, plus spending money that they don’t earn, like for doing chores? Or is it one who always gets hir own way?
Children want things. They want their own way. Part of the maturing process is learning that you can’t have everything you want, whether it’s material or abstract. But is the act of asking automatically a “spoiled” characteristic? If the child whines, sulks and throws a tantrum, are they spoiled? Even if the parent doesn’t give in?
My family was poor when I was a child. Not food-stamp poor, but we were struggling. My parents gave me some things, but I didn’t get toys or other stuff often, mostly on Xmas and my birthday. Still, I got labeled spoiled by certain people. Like, once when I was leaving an activity, I think it was junior orchestra. Two siblings were going to Friendly’s (burgers and fries as well as ice cream) with their mom, and I begged my mom to let us accompany them. She said no, and the other mom rolled her eyes and said, “Don’t spoil her like I’ve spoiled them.” How is it spoiling your kids to let them eat out once in a while? I was hungry; I was at that age when you grow at the speed of light, and I wanted, for once, not to go home to Sweep Steak (don’t ask, but it wasn’t steak!) and canned peas. Plus, I had no siblings and lived in a neighborhood with no kids, and I would have liked to go to a kid-oriented eatery with other kids. Is that spoiled?
I learned early that when my parents said “No”, they meant “NO”. Better to establish that up front, I realize now, then to use material things as blackmail, like “We gave you that so you’d better toe the line.” And I took better care of my stuff, what I did have, because I had less of it. My sister thought I was spoiled because I had a walkman when I was 11. Big deal. My dad was a gadget freak, and got me one to keep me away from his. Anyway, my sister should talk.
Her son, Brad*, lived with her and her alcoholic husband (his dad) until he was three. When they divorced, they lived with another guy, Denny, for a few years, and the two of them made Brad into a little tin god. They also didn’t have much money, but they never said no to him, because they were trying to “make it up to him”. Whatever “it” was. I’ve seen this phenomenon since then: kids who wear rummage sale clothes and watch black and white TV, but are still spoiled in the sense that their tantrums bring the whole household to a halt. Still, that also may not be spoiling, if they’re reacting to tension in the household. Somewhere along the line, Denny exited, and Mark came in. He became Brad’s stepdad, and he was genuinely abusive. Now Brad didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. One minute, he gets dinner in front of the TV every night so he doesn’t miss Inspector Gadget, then all of a sudden it’s “Eat your beans boy. Eat your beans or I’ll stuff 'em down your throat.”
I’m reminded of dialogue from Roseanne. Roseanne, the character, was an abuse survivor, and Roseanne, the performer, claims to be. In one episode, her late father’s mistress says, “He always regretted that he spoiled you so.” R says, “Well, if you mean ‘spoiled’ as in ‘wrecked’…” Brad was definitely spoiled as in wrecked.
Getting back to what I said about earning privleges: In high school, many of my peers didn’t lift a finger around the house, or they did the easiest chores, all the time grumbling as if sweeping the carpet was slave labor. I kept the household running while my mom worked, and I still got no credit. My mom did give me a rather elastic allowance, but she would still yell “spoiled” if we had a disagreement. The way I saw it, I should have been getting a set rate for the work I did (some people in our neighborhood hired outsiders to do what I did). Now I know there are people here who won’t agree with me on that. But at the very least, she shouldn’t have acted as if I did nothing to earn my keep and was ungrateful. I did, and I wasn’t.
So what is “spoiled”?
