DEPRESSION AND REALITY (don't read, very depressing)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I am currently VERY depressed about…what else…$$$ problems.

I have always had problems with depression (even when I had enough money) and I find that when I am like this, I can be overwhelmed by what I see as the hopelessness of life in general.

First of all, I realize that I am going to die someday. Usually I can laugh at this and think that when it is my time to die, I will accept it and it will happen. So when I am not depressed, I don’t think about it. I can stay distracted by work, sports, entertainment, etc. etc.

But when I am depressed and anxious, I am constantly thinking about it and I know it is coming. I have a 25 year old daughter and her mother died 4 years ago, so I feel like I must stay alive as long as possible to protect her.

It is the same when I read a newspaper story about the latest horrific murder or read about the floods in Pakistan or think about the people in Haiti or think about the parents of kidnapped children who never know if their beautiful child is dead or alive or what hell they are enduring. EVERYTHING BECOMES VERY REAL AND IT IS AS IF I KNOW THESE PEOPLE.

I look at young people today having children and I think that they are crazy. The world is coming apart and you blindly breed and create a child to give your life meaning? I admit that my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me, but to tell you the truth, she was a lucky accident, as neither her mother nor I really planned on having children.

So I get to the point where I think that depression is seeing the world as it actually is, and not being depressed is simply hiding my head in the sand and pretending that everything is ok and as it should be. In other words, life is hell, so to survive, a person needs to live outside of reality.

I don’t believe in a loving god that is interested in us, (although I feel extreme catholic guilt as I type that) and I don’t believe that humans are causing global warming but that we ARE on the verge of a major catastrophic weather change and that the sun is going to kick our asses soon (coronal mass ejections) which will wipe out all of our satellites that run our daily lives.

I went to an LA Dodger game a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t pay for the ticket but paid $15.00 to park the car. I grew up at Dodger Stadium and now it is an old dirty place with a crappy carnival feel of blaring music and advertisements bombarding the senses. The players are ALL making millions and are just thinking about where they will play next year. Tommy Lasorda is up on the big screen lecturing the fans on how to behave.

The beers (I quit drinking many years ago) are $10.00 and the owners are in court (the disgusting McCourts are in McCourt) fighting over ownership as the team fails to make the playoffs and the big name manager has quit and there is some strange sign on the hillside outside the stadium that looks like it was handmade stating "Think Blue)

When I am in a LESS depressed state of mind, none of that would bother me, I would laugh at it, but when depressed, I see it as it is and figure that it will only get worse and it disturbs me. (watch the movie “Idiocracy”…it is really happening)

So in my humble opinion, when a person is depressed , they actually see life as it is. When less depressed, people simply distract themselves their entire lives and live in a fantasy world where they don’t think about what is real and what is coming. (see Michael Douglas, multimillionaire with a kid in prison and throat cancer)

ps the song “eve of destruction” is playing right now on my radio.

any thoughts?

2

It helps to remember all the wonderful things you have done and seen. I get depresssed myself (twenty years ago, I came dangerously close to killing myself deliberately) and now when I get bummed out, and realize that I will die someday, it helps when I remember accomplishing some things (I write books and make paintings, and I like some of them–I’m sure you’ve done some difficult things you are pleased with) or experienciing some others–places I travelled to, women I’ve been with, art I’ve been awed by, etc. You must remember Sandy K. beating the Twins on short rest in game seven in '65? You have memories and accomplishments that no one else willl ever have, and that’s all you or anyone gets to take with you, but it is a lot, if you look at it like that. Draw up a list of the amazing things you’ve seen and done and thought about–that may make you feel better.

Reading John Keats’ sonnet “When I have Fears that I may Cease to Be” also offers solace.

3

I think that you’re right, in a way. Basically, reality is what you make of it to some degree.

You go to Dodger Stadium and think crappy carnival and excess. I go to Dodger Stadium and think vibrant sights and sounds and a game I love. I look at the McCourts (I don’t know much about them) and say, “Well, money didn’t solve their problems.”

Neither of us is wrong. The world is both wretched AND beautiful. We ARE all going to die. We’re alive now. That’s enough for some.

4

I would disagree that depression allows you to see reality, because you’re only seeing one side of it. You’re not looking at the joy, which does exist and which is just as real as the suffering.

People had children in the 14th century, under the Tsars, under Jim Crow, during WWII and the Cold War. That’s what people do. We are more comfortable, healthier, wealthier, and our children are more likely to survive than about 99.99% of humanity has ever been.

5

Seek professional help. Seriously. Best wishes to you in doing so.

6

I have to admit that I focused intently on the beauty of the game and the skill of the players more than usual because the rest of it was so bleak.

7

The problem is when you’re depressed you’re not thinking straight. You don’t make good decsions. So rule one is when you are depressed NEVER make any major decisions.

Second is get out, get active. Nothing puts your situation in perspective more than seeing someone else worse off and there are lots of them.

Physical exercise is the best way to cope. Do SOMETHING. I suggest washing walls. It’s good hard work and wall always need a good scrubbing. And by them time you’re done with them, they need it again.

You will notice even in mental hospitals, patients aren’t allowed to sit around all day. They are given routine and structure. This is one of the coping strategies

Remember things like this don’t solve your problem but they help you cope. Sometimes there are no good answers, just the best of a bad lot. This is when you have to fall back on coping with the situation.

Remember even in the best of times when things are going your way, in every possible way, your days are still numbered.

If you’re depressed you need some sort of help. Meds can help. This is not a quick answer as it may take weeks or months before you get the right kind and the right dose. But at least you’re trying to get things right.

You can’t really do much while you’re this distressed, so start with your local county health department and get a referral to a mental health professional. Then come back here and tell us how you’re going.

8

koufax, as a fellow depressed person, I just wanted to say I read your post, and I hope you feel better soon.

9

To a degree, I believe the same things. I don’t believe any of us has the power to determine whether another being would have been happier never given the chance to live (and I’m not into sports :P), but I do think that depression can be tied in with lacking the capacity to forget about the constant shittiness and foreboding in the world. That’s how it is for me, anyway. I’ve never succeeded at not “letting” bad stuff affect me, it feels both dishonest AND impossible (it just happens). Something as simple as driving by a homeless person, or reflecting on how people in ad agencies or even message boards are succeeding with brainwashing others, can make me brood all night. And it’s not as if devoting my life to helping people would ultimately fix my problem (though I do what I can), because I’d know terrible things were still happening I had no effect on. I know I can never just sit back and say, “well, I’ve done MY part,” and leave it at that, that strikes me as inordinately selfish. Plus, y’know, bad things are still happening to me too.

I get by from day to day by rejoicing in good things that happen and trying to be a good person (because being nice actually does make me happy, when other people aren’t jerks in response), and keep comforting myself with whatever truths I can (for me they must be perceivable as truth, not faith-based). One of the main truths that helps me is that bad things never really cancel out good things, just as good never cancels out bad. They just happen concurrently, and life doesn’t have to me all good for me to take joy in it where I can. My being happy every once in a while doesn’t hurt other people, or make me a liar, as long as I’m not pretending everything’s okay. I think there are a lot of us out there who do care deeply about things that don’t affect them directly, and so we’re not alone, if that helps, even though it seems otherwise in this day and age of “normal” achieved by not caring “too much” about things.

I know anxiety and sadness are probably driving me to an early grave, perhaps even as much as smoking or obesity would. I know I still have to figure out a way to calm down a little (like when my eyelids twitch or I wake up with my shoulders tensed up around my ears and my heart pounding). I don’t think it necessarily has to involve ceasing to care, as many who don’t have these issues may seem to tell you. I think there’s a way around it, some logical way where I’m not trying to convince myself of things I don’t really believe, that I just have to find. I hope you can find it too. In the meantime, just try to keep finding things that make you happy, and doing them.

10

All those horrible things are true. People are stupid and cruel. The history of man is the history of man’s inhumanity to man, and the Universe really is both Shiva and Kali; simultaneously both incredibly hospitable to life and incredibly hostile to life.

But when it comes down to it, the beauty of life is that it exists at all, and the real meaning of life is in the small moments of comfort and joy.

It is 54 degrees here right now, bright and sunny. Cool (too cold for some, but wonderful for me in my sweater) and bright, absolutely wonderful. I’m enjoying my day off reading Lord of the Rings for the first time in 30 years, playing on my computer, loving up my cat, wandering around my apartment, listening to U2 and thinking about wandering down to walk around a small lake. I’m enjoying the quiet joy of all these small moments piled one upon another today.

There are many things that could make me depressed. I hate my job, I just emerged from bankruptcy 3 months ago, I have no friends to hang around with.

But those things are not today, or right now. Right now I’m listening to music I love, reading a cool book, enjoying a cool day, enjoying the warm furry love of my cat. This is the meaning of life, in the right here and now.

As I said, the joy and meaning in life is in the small moments. Look to them, build on them. Just like a big project at work, you break it into small tasks, and build them one by one until the whole is done.

11

Thank You and thanks to everyone who responded. I find that when I get off my ass and start getting things done, it really does help.

Although part of me believes that life could possibly be hell and death (unconsciousness) is heaven.

12

As someone who gets depressed myself from time to time, I sympathize and I can’t imagine the pain of losing a wife. My feeling is, do some things you enjoy and are good at, and by all means, watch a comedy or two and try to cheer yourself up.

Lots of people suggest going to get professional help, which I suppose I would suggest as well if the problem is really crippling or you have suicidal thoughts, which it sounds like you might. That said, I hear you on the money issue too, and even I think twice before going to the doctor because of co-pays and the stigma of going to therapy. I tried a stress and relaxation class at my HMO which may help you and definitely felt a lot more like a class than therapy. Perhaps that would be a good thing for you to try as well.

13

Wow… there have been times in my life when I could write your post, word for word. I too fear death and wonder at the pointlessness of it all. My daughter is a heroin addict and my son is clinically depressed. I work full time at a job that is challenging at best and downright frustrating at worst, and go to school full time. Each class has been getting progressively more difficult and I wonder how the hell I ended up here. I have a twitch that is unexplainable but hopefully the result of stress and not some funky neurological disease that will leave me a physical mess. It scares me to even type that.

{Ahem.} Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago I had a semi-meltdown and began to understand that I need to step back and slow down as much as possible. I asked my husband to go on a walk with me and confided in him what I was thinking and feeling. He too is stressed and I didn’t want to add any more burden on him. I decided to stop working late, stop freaking out when I didn’t get straight A’s, and stop blaming myself for what I can’t control, like my daughter.

Life still sucks in a lot of ways, but it helped. I’m glad that you decided to post here because I hear you and understand exactly what you’re talking about. I’ve done the following and it’s helped;

Stop watching the news, other than the weather. No, really. Actually I cut way down on TV watching for a while and it was no loss.

Listen to music you love and can jam to.

I hate it when people tell me this, but exercise does help.

Talk to people about how you feel, even if it’s not a professional. You can message me any time you want.

Get out into nature and find the beauty that is there. It helps to make up for all the BS from other people.

Of course, that’s me and different things will work for you. What used to make you happy?

14

Lately, how I feel changes on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Earlier today, I wanted to kill myself (when I feel this way, I don’t because I know that I would be hurting my parents and girlfriend, and besides, I’m a coward). Now, I’m just generally unhappy with life. I exercise 3 times per week, but I hate it. Exercise makes me feel physically uncomfortable, and whenever I do exercise, I feel immensely guilty for not working on my dissertation. I keep hearing “You’re wasting time…You’re wasting time…You’re wasting time…” over and over.

I don’t have any magic solution, but I do sometimes feel like the OP does. I’m in therapy and on meds, so that doesn’t always work either.

15

I know where you’re coming from completely.

Depression is hard and right now my life is very hard too.

The things that keep me going are my family, my boyfriend, and knowing that no matter what the outcome, I’m trying to do my absolute very best. That’s all we can do and all we can hope for.

16

Just a note to add:

Therapy/medication is one path out of depression, but only a path. The will to walk it and the actual walking of it are up to the person who is depressed. Recovery is not a passive process.

It is arduous and sometimes discouraging work and at times requires others who understand to accompany you. Wellness ebbs and flows as all of life does and is a process rather than a product. Lifestyle change is necessary.

There’s the catch that makes it such a slow process before one can start seeing satisfying results. People who suffer with depression need to sometimes change their spirituality, their parenting, their thoughts and values, their friends, their environment, behavior patterns, a multitude of factors which add to their illness.

I think one of the first steps, then, is learning to be satisfied with small triumphs.

We learn to create our own contentment from within rather than seeking it from without.

17

I could have wrote that OP around two years ago. Except that I probably would have been to depressed to see the point in writing it.

Anxiety and depression sucks major balls. Before I fell into it I always wondered what it would be like to be depressed. Now I know it’s just fucking horrible.

Nothing that used to make me happy made me happy anymore. I spent days thinking that I could die at any moment and cease to exist forever. Or alternatively, I would continue to exist forever in an afterlife, which would inevitably turn into a state of perpetual boredom. Either way I was screwed for all eternity. I thought no one could help me. I was too scared to kill myself and too scared to live.

Thinking about doing anything made me nauseated.

Occupying myself with things to do was too difficult. But lying around was even more painful. Left alone, my mind would terrorize me. There were points where I had to cut my mind off (physically distract myself) or else I’m sure I would have passed out. My favorite time of day was the brief moment when I just woke up, and did not remember a thing about myself.

Alcohol made me feel “normal” again. So for that brief period I drank a lot.

Going outside and not getting killed was helpful. Made me feel a little better.

Washing the dishes was oddly comforting. Something about the warm water.
This all went away when I went to law school. I think being around people with a strong sense of purpose about their lives helped a lot.

When I am reminded about my experience I remember that I also thought that I was seeing things for what they really were. That I was the only person who understood that everyone’s life would end in terrible agony.

When I was crawling my way out of my hole I told myself that I would lie to make myself better. That when I look at a sports game I would not think: “Assholes consuming themselves to death while kids in Africa die.” Instead it would be more: “Look at how many people are happy and enjoying themselves.”

I didn’t care if it was bullshit. I was going to choose the thought that didn’t send me into a crippling depression.

For a while I was too scared to think of anything related to death because I thought I would remember the true nature of death and become depressed again. Now I can write about it without worrying too much.

Koufax, when you’re depressed you don’t see things differently, you react to things differently. I have the same opinion of what’s going to happen to me when I die as I did before, only now the thought doesn’t make me feel empty and hollow.

It’s amazing how I used to think about death and become instantly sick, and now I think about it and feel nothing. I think this is the way life should be, because this way I don’t very horrible all the time.

For the TLDR crowd, just remember this: Even if you are correct and reality is horrible, there is no reason it should make you feel like you want to die. None.

18

Depressive realism

19

Been there, done that, didn’t help.

Been in & out of therapy since I was 9 (I’m 49), the last 15 years it was continuous with more than a dozen different meds. No change, no help, so in April, against doctors orders I quit taking the meds and seeing the doctors. Some people are just broken and nothing can be done for them. I’m one of those people and I want out.

20

I respectfully disagree.