Destination Wedding - not feeling the love

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

As far as I’m concerned, destination weddings = potential elopement. In other words, you can’t expect that anyone will attend unless you make arrangements for them.

I can’t decide which is worse, though - getting mad that your parents can’t attend (and not offering to pay for them) or asking for cash, especially for a second wedding.

I agree with those who’ve said you might sincerely consider the possibility of not going. While I’m sure your sister will be miffed, traveling with two young children isn’t going to be easy, especially for such a long drive. Then they’ll be relatively confined in the hotel room and probably not allowed much kid time at the wedding, which will probably make them, you and your husband miserable. Plus, given your sister’s sensitivity, she doesn’t sound like she’ll be in any way sympathetic. Then you’ll have the “pleasure” of driving home with them.

22

WRT the original post: did it not occur to them to offer to pay for the parents’ travel/stay? Srsly.

23

Any chance you could help your family with the price of hotel fees? At least the most important family members?

But more generally, my advice for someone in your shoes would be to talk about the potential plans in advance, and find out whether people are willing and able to pay that money to attend, and if his family truly would be horrified if you eloped.

And of course, having a party/reception in Texas with you in the dress might be a reasonable compromise.

But it doesn’t count as a destination wedding and therefore selfish and obnoxious just because your families don’t live in the same place. It’s just when you announce plans to get married where no one lives that it becomes a problem.

24

This doesn’t remotely count as a destination wedding. You are getting married where you live. If I do end up getting married in NY I am not going to cry about my family who can’t make it from Colorado, let alone India!

25

This.

26

How could she/they not pay for the low income parents? WTF???

The wedding is more for the family than for the couple- it is a social ritual. If it isn’t set up so that the immediate family can come, then it is purely wanking.

I don’t have a problem with the Paypal thing, that is just modern life- but the lack of common sense for family attendance does indeed warrant a smack upside the head!

27

I have a cousin (well, my mom does) who’s fairly well off. A few years back he had his third marriage. He wanted to have the wedding in Mexico (Cosumel I think it was; he vacations there sometimes). He wanted his family, which is a moderately sized extended family with a lot of children, to have fun and enjoy a place he really enjoys.

But, when a few family members responded saying they couldn’t afford to go, he decided to have the wedding locally (to him) instead; everyone was able to attend, and he and his wife went to Cosumel on their own afterward.

For him, the family being together was the most important part of the wedding celebration. I was really struck by the fact that he changed his plans so that more of us could attend, and made the wedding that much more special for me, and I’m sure for others who were there.
As much as a wedding is for the couple, it’s their responsibility to make sure that it’s an event that the people they expect to attend can reasonably afford with little to no hardship. If you don’t do that as a bride or groom, then you are officially a tool.

28

We did a destination wedding because, frankly, the travel time for the families was about the same as if we’d done it where we lived. His family lived on one end of our home state, my family lived on the other, and we had recently moved three states away for his residency. We were 7 hours from his family, 10 from mine, and the families were 6 hours away from each other. Our options were:

a) Have it where I grew up. We could spend the first of our five days off driving, the second having the wedding, and the third driving back, and be too exhausted to enjoy the other 2 days, and his family could drive 6 hours to spend a weekend in a hotel in a town where there is nothing fun to do. People who didn’t want to come or for whom it would be a hardship would feel obliged to take the time off and come anyway.

b) Have it where he grew up. We could spend the first of our five days off driving, the second having the wedding, and the third driving back, and be too exhausted to enjoy the other 2 days, and my whole famdamily could drive 6 hours to spend a weekend in a motel in a town where there is even less to do. People who didn’t want to come or it would be a hardship for would feel obliged to come anyway.

c) Have it where we lived. Everybody who wanted to come could drive 7-10 hours to spend a weekend in a hotel in a city where we hadn’t yet figured out what there was to do. People who didn’t want to come or for whom it would be a hardship would feel obliged to come anyway.

d) Have it in New Orleans. Everybody, including us, would wind up driving about 10-12 hours and would get to spend a weekend in the Quarter. Since it was already non-traditional we could skip a lot of the work, hassle, and expense people would otherwise expect. People who didn’t want to come or for whom it would be a hardship had a good excuse to stay home.

There weren’t really any great options, and d seemed like the best of the lot. We got to unpack our luggage that first night and didn’t have to touch the damn stuff until the day we left, my parents got to spend the morning of the wedding taking the street car through the Garden District instead of running around wrangling bridesmaids and decorating tables and all the stuff we had to do the morning of my brother’s wedding. My grandparents got to bitch about the food, lodgings, and atmosphere of a new place, which is their chief enjoyment of traveling.

I do wish my brother and sil could have come, but they’d just gotten married and he’d just started a new job, and anything but option A would have been really difficult on them. Also, he didn’t especially want to go to his own wedding, much less anyone else’s. (He’d never say so to my face, but I know the man.) And my dad’s stepmother and her husband were too medically fragile to come, but they weren’t even able to make it to my brother’s wedding an hour away. Even if we’d gone with option a, I’d pretty much have wound up doing what we did–sending them a corsage and boutonniere to wear the day of and a note saying we loved them.

Yeah, it probably was selfish of us to do the destination wedding so we could relax a little instead of spending our entire wedding and honeymoon in the car for the convenience of half the guests, but in all honesty if I had it to do over again I’d still pick option d.

29

:slight_smile: Thanks for that link, too, Carolyn’s good.

30

It would only have been selfish in your particular circumstances if close family, such as your parents, could not afford the travel, and you made no effort to assist them with the cost AND acted put out that they couldn’t come.

There are times when a destination-type wedding IS a practical solution for the convenience and finances of most interested parties. A week-long trip to Mexico or a specific luxury resort is rarely those circumstances.

31

In all fairness, my sister IS a person who often goes to extraordinary lengths for others. Like, in the year after my twins were born she took the train from downtown out to our suburban apt every single week (didn’t miss more than 1 or 2) and watched them while I took an afternoon off.

But I am (still) trying to talk her out of this. When she first announced it, I was like “Well that’s great - send me pix” and she was heartbroken. It hadn’t occurred to her that people might not be able to come, she and her fiancee love the boonies.

I hope she comes to her senses, I think there are some other, more complicated issues driving this urge and they need to be dealt with.
And thanks a lot for your replies, I’m glad I asked here. It always helps to do a reality check and I respect your opinions. :slight_smile:

32

Here’s your answer, right here. Have they actually used this excuse? Then now is the time to hand it back. “Sorry, but taking off work and traveling across country costs money. I’d love to have a reception for you when you get back, though.”

pbbth and Antigen, having your wedding where you live (rather than where your families live) is not a destination wedding. And as long as you understand that not everyone can afford the trip (as both of you do), then all is well. Have you considered looking for a house rental that your family could share? Sometimes that can be cheaper than individual hotel bills (unless they’d all kill each other or something ;)).

CrazyCatLady - I think your situation is the reason destination weddings originated. Families are so scattered that sometimes it’s easier for everyone to all meet in one fun location than to make one side or the other (or both) do all the traveling. Again, since you didn’t witch at people that couldn’t be there, it’s all OK.

It’s the people like fessie’s family that give destination weddings a bad name. Having the wedding somewhere because they want to go there, insisting that everyone MUST come or they’ll be horribly hurt and offended, refusing to help low-income relatives out with the bills, and then asking for cash on top of that? Screw that noise!

33

CrazyCatLady,

Your Destination Wedding makes sense to me. There are merits to having a wedding someplace people might actually like to go (as opposed to having one just where someone of importance (bride, groom, significant family members) just happens to live). And I can certainly see the appeal of making it just difficult enough to attend that those that didn’t want to attend could justify not attending and thus simplify your wedding preparations in other ways.

I just have limited sympathy for those like fessies’s sister who don’t seem to understand that the choices they make have consequences, and get upset when people make the choice which is right for them.

34

Ditto on this. It’s fine if that’s what you want, but a person planning that wedding shouldn’t bitch at people for not attending, or make them feel guilty.

35

CrazyCatLady, you didn’t have a Destination Wedding. You made plans based on what would work for everyone involved. A true Destination Wedding is the bastard spawn of the wedding and travel industries; it’s where the bride forces everyone to go to some exotic, glamorous location that has no connection to anyone except that the bride and/or groom wants to get married there, expense and convenience be damned.

36

This is exactly what I was about to say. It’s not a destination wedding unless the destination has been picked solely because it’s exotic and glamorous and (usually) expensive. The couple picked it because they want to show how awesome they are by choosing to marry someplace as awesome/exotic/glamorous as they are.

If the destination gets picked it because it would make it easier for guests to attend, or because it’s where you live, it doesn’t count.

If the only significance Mexico has in your relationship is that you both crave Taco Bell when you’re drunk, it’s a destination wedding. On the other hand, if you met and/or live in Mexico, are Mexican, or have several guests living in Mexico who couldn’t attend otherwise… it’s not a destination wedding.

37

I had never heard of the term *destination wedding *until I opened this thread. As far as I can tell from the responses it means, “We’re having our honeymoon at X resort; please arrange your respective vacations to match.”

I am wowed.

38

But that’s a completely different animal. In your case, the families are just so far away that one of them will have to move. If it’s any help, the Spanish tradition is to have it where the bride lives - which is what you want.

cue ‘fiddler in the roof’

39

My niece and her (now) husband both lived in this state, within a couple of hours’ drive of the town they both grew up in. His family and hers, and most of their friends, were all within about an hour’s drive of niece’s hometown. They got married in Florida. They just wanted to. However, to be fair, they really only invited parents, her sister, and her best friend to the wedding itself. And her parents love Florida as much as niece does, so the trip really wasn’t using up vacation time they would have used for other things. They likely would have gone there anyway. The whole bunch went for the week ahead, did some vacation things, on Saturday was the simple garden wedding, and everybody else came home on Sunday or Monday while the couple went on their honeymoon. The thing is, two weeks later they held a local reception for all the rest of the family and friends. I wish I could have seen them get married, but they didn’t try to force anybody to travel or spend time and money, just to satisfy them. If you have to do it, I think that’s the way to go about it.

pbbth, could you maybe think about re-doing your vows in Texas, with a small reception, if too many of those people can’t make it to New York? Otherwise, you’re doing the best you can to accommodate everyone, and there’s only so much you can do.

fessie, I’m sorry your sister is putting you through this. I’m with those who wonder if it might be better for you to go alone. Would it make a difference to your sister, or help her to see what she’s doing, if you told her that?

40

I came in to ask if any of these people had heard of a honeymoon. I am just getting to the point where everyone I know is having a child. The few that have gotten married, even those with money, have had folksy local affairs. Even if famous bands were playing and amazing photographers were working, they were doing it as a wedding present.