I wish I was excited about my sister’s plans, but I’m not. I love her dearly, but I think she’s asking too much of all of us.
It’s going to cost my family of four at least $1,500 and require a 12-hr drive w/our two small children to get there. “There” being a beautiful rustic place way out in the boonies. That doesn’t include wedding-related costs, clothes for the kids and whatnot.
The bride and groom have attended exactly one family function as a couple in the 2 years they’ve been together - it was Christmas of 2007 and we had a houseful of guests. They arrived after dinner and left before breakfast the following morning. They say they can’t get off work to make the 3-hr drive to see everyone - taking time off work costs money. And I understand the groom, my future brother-in-law, was irked that no one fussed over him, but in truth at the exact moment they arrived I was enjoying a pleasant wine-inspired buzz that had managed to completely drown out my satanic mother-in-law.
The bride seems to be annoyed that neither of her parents have the means to make the trip, they’re both struggling on fixed incomes and they’re both depressed old people without much energy for life anyway. Neither of them has hundreds of dollars for a vacation - our mom can’t find familiar landmarks anymore, and our dad plans his life around the $.99 Whopper special.
The couple’s website features, instead of a gift registry, a place for Paypal donations so they can buy property in a couple of years (this wedding is going to wipe out all of their cash, but they’re not going into debt for it).
And the bride and groom are both over 40. This is a second wedding for both.
I think it’s really #3 that disappoints me the most. I think it’s GREAT that these two have found each other and are getting married. Wanting to have a wedding is lovely - but it seems like a wedding is for including other people in your happiness, not for setting up circumstances that must be met in order for you to be happy and then being upset that the important people in your life are unable to meet those circumstances. Y’know? It feels like a “Why can’t my family be normal” pity party.
I think they should elope. I offered to host a reception at our house, we’re centrally located and all their relatives could make the drive. I think she still wants that, on top of the wedding that no one can attend.
It’s $200/night at this resort. Really pretty place, though.
And “within driving distance” is not the same when you have two small children - I think it’ll take us two days each way, because we’ll have to stop so the kids can romp. Once we’ve driven two days, we’re not gonna want to hop back in the car immediately - we’ll need to stay at least two nights, three would be better. My husband doesn’t want to go, he hates spending that kind of time in the car with the kids (he’s never traveled more than 4 hrs with them).
It’s just so irritating - we had a big family reunion in August (like, once every 4 years) and the groom couldn’t come, had to stay home with a sick cat. She showed up very late and was a ton of fun at the family talent show, but our dad went to take a “brief nap” and wound up sleeping through that whole part. So basically he saw her for 2 hours.
I don’t blame you for your lack of enthusiasm, and I give you permission to cockpunch any idiot who tells you to suck it up for your sister’s happiness on Her Special Day.
I’m with even sven. I think destination weddings – particularly when the bride and groom know that not everyone can afford to go – are selfish. I also think your future brother-in-law is a particularly self-centered asshole. I predict that your sister will be in for a lot of drama around your family’s gatherings if he thinks no one made him the center of their universe for the few hours they were there.
(Full disclosure: I’ve been up since around three this morning, and I’m severely undercaffeinated. Therefore, the filter between mouth and brain is disengaged.)
I really really hate destination weddings when the couple are expecting everyone to attend. To me, if you’re going to have a destination wedding, you have to be willing to deal with the fact that not everyone is going to be able to, or even want to, travel that distance to attend.
I had a hard enough time with my own wedding, because my husband and I came from different ends of a country spanning two islands. We went with my home town, because the only people coming from his home town where his parents and our friends who I knew were all wealthy enough to afford the travel. The chap who did our reading was of more modest means, so we paid for his travel.
Sorry, when did it become “normal” to expect your guests to drive 12h to your pahtee? When did it become “normal” to expect your fixed-income parents to pay their way in?
I think eleanorigby may have finished with the collective wet trout by now, but in any case, here, have one and apply to sister as required.
Destination weddings are a humongous, expensive pain in the ass… and I’ve been invited to two this year, so I totally feel your pain.
By the time Dec 31st rolles around, we’ll have spent $4500 and used up two thirds of our vacation time to attend weddings… and that’s* after *I talked one bride out of doing a weekend spa getaway for her stagette, given that the wedding itself is a one-week getaway to Mexico. It’s out of control.
What really chaps my ass about your story is that it’s a SECOND wedding for both of them. When did second weddings become an excuse to throw an even bigger bash than your first wedding? People used to treat that as a low-key ceremony at city hall, possibly followed by a casual reception at home or at the local legion hall.
And actually having the chutzpah to solicit for Paypal gifts? Because they’re blowing all their cash on a big-ass wedding instead?
I don’t think destination weddings in and of themselves are selfish, and I think you should be able to do whatever you want for a second wedding as long as you can afford it. But I agree with sandra_nz that you have to realize not everyone can afford to attend a destination wedding, so the bride’s annoyance with her fixed-income parents is way off base.
I would seriously consider telling the bride that it’s just not possible to attend the wedding, and stick to the offer of throwing them a reception at your house. Not sure what sort of waves that would cause with your sister though.
I wouldn’t go. That’s a ridiculous amount of money and effort to meet her expectations. “Sorry sis, you know I’d love to be there, but we can’t afford it.”
My brother got married in Russia. I would have loved to have gone, but we couldn’t afford it. No harm, no foul. My mom managed it, which was great–she loves to travel (I do too and have always wanted to see a bit of Russia).
With the twins, would it be too difficult for you to go alone? That’s the most I would consider.
It was bad enough until you got to numbe r4, the Paypal donation. That alone would make me not go, at all. Is this even going to be fun for your kids? I would certainly not go.
As for “destination” weddings, I don’t know it’s precisely that, but I always did want to have my wedding in India. However I wouldn’t expect any of my American friends to attend! I’d have the reception here, probably. Trying to insist that everyone come to your oh-so-special event - which forgive me, isn’t even once-in-a-lifetime - is petty and selfish.
I’m going to be between a rock and a hard place with my wedding. My family is in Texas and I am in New York. His family is in Connecticut. We want to get married in Central Park since that would be beautiful and cheap, location-wise (seriously, $400 for renting the space in the park is so much cheaper than any other place we’ve looked) and with the subways and taxis there would be no lack of transportation for everyone. If we go with that plan every single member of my family that wants to be there will end up paying $400-$500 per person to fly to NYC and then hotel fees on top of that. I don’t feel comfortable asking my family to pay close to $1000 a piece to come to my wedding but he absolutely does not want to elope. I have horrid images in my head of getting married with none of my family in attendance and he has horrid images in his head of his family hating him because we eloped and they didn’t get to come to a ceremony.
Add another vote for destination wedding = selfish - unless the bride and groom are footing everyone’s travel bill.
Had a buddy who was thrilled to have the opportunity to fly from Chicago to Martha’s Vinyard in prime season for a SIL’s wedding this past summer. Plus, his wife was ponying up for a dress and whatever else was involved in standing up, and had hosted the shower. Then they were expected to give a wedding present! :rolleyes: Sorry, but if I have to incur travel and lodging costs, my appearance IS my gift.
I simply choose not to attend destination weddings - and have informed my kids of same. Want to get married someplace distant? Knock yourself out. Ill be happy to attend any party you wish to throw when you get back in town.
pbbth - what is different about you, however, is that you recognize the difficulties presented. As you realize, there is unlikely to be any solution right for everyone. What I would suggest is announce the wedding far enough in advance that anyone who wishes and affords to plan a weekend in NY, which includes your wedding. Then you could maybe have a shower or a post-wedding reception in Texas fro your family. Showing that you are making such an effort goes a long way.
I wouldn’t go either. I’d simply say “two little kids and four days in the car with them is not in the cards. Love you. And the offer for a hosting a reception for those of us slackers who can’t come is still open.”
You have just stated one of my biggest pet peeves. Destination weddings where they expect people to go to them and they get pissy when potential guests can’t afford too. Wedding couples should cough up the money for the trip or shut up when family and friends say they won’t be going. You picked the venue not the potential guest that can’t go there.
I’m in a similar boat. My family’s from Montreal and I’m getting married here in Maryland in April. His family is from here, NJ, and SC. I’m doing everything I can to keep things cheap for my family because I feel bad about having them spend so much for the wedding, but I can’t imagine not having a wedding at all. The whole point, for me, is to stand in front of all the people who care about us, and make our promises to each other. We considered doing it twice, but that’s a hell of a lot of work and expense, and we wouldn’t want one side of the family to feel slighted because they were second. So it is what it is. I’m hoping that the people who mean a lot to me can make it.
I don’t get “destination weddings” that turn into the honeymoon. Your whole family will be hanging out with you for the honeymoon - not my idea of a great time!
Sounds like the perfect solution all around: they can have a great time at the resort, then you and your parents and rest of the family can celebrate with them at your house. Make sure they bring pictures from the wedding so you and your kids can see the pretty dress.
The one destination wedding I’ve ever been invited to got me out of a war zone.
Actually, there were a number of factors that went into that one; my friend, an American man, was marrying a Greek woman who happened to be a Jehova’s Witness in background (more or less agnostic in terms of actual beliefs); he also had gone to move in with her in Greece on a tourist visa and so if they’d gotten married in Greece:
1 - He would have had to fly round trip back to the States and come in on a different sort of visa
2 - They wouldn’t have been able to have a church wedding; the ceremony would have had to have been in an unpleasant, bare room in Athens’ city hall.
Therefore, they went ahead with the standard wedding destination of the eastern Med: Cyprus, which is also the place Lebanese, Israelis, Jordanians, and others go to when they want a civil or interreligious ceremony.
Anyway, so I was living in Beirut at the time, and accepted an invitation to the wedding. I flew in the day before the wedding (July 11, 2006), and during the reception, one of the guests told me that he’d heard that Hizbullah had fired some rockets or something at Israel. No problem, I thought, this had been an ongoing feature: Hizbullah would fire a couple rockets, Israel would shell the crap out of some village or another, everyone would accuse each other of genocide, and then it would be back to normal with no effect whatsoever on most of either country.
Long story short, two months later I finally flew back in to Lebanon. Another 8 months, and I was back in the States, more or less permanently.
