Persistent pain in the left chest since I woke up.
Is it costochondritis?
Pulled an intercostal muscle?
Angina?
Myocardial infarction?
Infected hair follicle?
Slept on a penny?
Pleurisy?
Voodoo curse?
Cardiac ischemia.
Lupus.
/House IT’S NOT LUPUS!
Sometimes, it’s amazing how a single, simple symptom can lead to the correct conclusion and diagnosis almost instantly.
Clearly, you went out last evening for a night on the town. At a downtown hotel bar, you picked up a woman who, it turned out, was a prostitute, but you didn’t know that at the time. You bought her dinner, whereupon she collapsed in sudden anaphylactic shock due to the unintentional ingestion of a carmelized Thai peanut sauce.
You immediately raised the alarm, whereupon an ambulance was called. Being the consummate gentleman, you accompanied your paramour, whose true occupation you still had yet to learn, into the ambulance, which sped, sirens whaling, down the local boulevards.
It was then that, having passed through a malfunctioning, blinking traffic light, that the ambulance driver suffered a sudden epileptic seizure. In a fit of muscle spasms, the ambulance collided with an ice-cream truck, toppling both vehicles in a maelstrom of medical supplies and Klondike bars, raising a tremendous commotion and resulting in the summoning of the fire brigade.
Two hulking firemen, immediately taking stock of the dire situation, picked up both you and your date bodily, with the intent of transporting you to the hospital on foot. They made it three blocks before you could protest, but then, due to these two firefighters’ secret homosexual relationship, which had resulted in both of them contracting neurosyphilis, their spines twisted and snapped under the weight of your bodies.
Fortunately, this occurred at the entrance of the hospital’s emergency ward, where your date was immediately treated with an intubation procedure and large doses of antihistamines.
Then, her pimp showed up and stabbed you in the chest.
I was going to post something, but I think that Friedo just won the thread.
Mastitis!
Beaten to the cliche.
Curse you!!! shakes fist angrily at Knowed Out
Friedo won.
Meh. Someone else is already being paid to diagnose you. Why should I?
When I had that, they said “idiopathic left chest pain of unknown etiology.”
After Friedos’ answer whatever you do have is going to be anticlimatic, unless you lie.
/HOUSE Everybody lies.
Cracked rib due to slipping on the ice, drunk, and banging your chest against the right front bumper of your car.
Hot dog fingers?
Government created killer nano robot infection?
Spontaneous dental hydroplosion?
You got tasered, bro?
Infected nipple piercing?
Pneumothorax?
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
I’ll go out on a limb and say portal vein thrombosis, but if that is the case, you should be in a hospital on an IV drip right now and have 6 months of blood thinners in your future. Yuck.
Strained muscle maybe?
Left the nipple clamps on too long… again…