The other day I received an e-mail from the more than infamous ‘Nigerian Scammers’. About bloody time, too. All these years I’ve been passed over, ignored and generally left out of the loop until I had almost convinced myself that I wasn’t going to get the chance to turn over all my financial information to a pseudonymous cretin hunched over a 386 in a ramshackle Nigerian boiler room.
Still, all things to those who wait…
I am Mr. Jacob Igho, I have an urgent and very confidential business
On December, 1998, a British Oil consultant/contractor with the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation, Mr. Truman Hopkins made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US$25,000,000.00 (Twenty- five Million Dollars) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation that Mr. Truman Hopkins died from an automobile accident. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless. I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr. Truman Hopkins did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum of US$25,000,000.00 is still sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one has ever come forward to claim it.
According to Nigerian Law, at the expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Nigerian Government if nobody applies to claim the fund. Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you to stand in as the next of kin to Mr. Truman Hopkins so that the fruits of this old man’s labour will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials. This is simple, I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so that the Attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits which will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the services of two Attorney for drafting and notarization of the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favour for the transfer.
A bank account in any part of the world which you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 70% for me and 30% for you. There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the Attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via the private email address below. Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction.
Please observe utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country of this I do believe that we shall elaborate more on later.
I do urgently await your response.
Best regards,
MR. JACOB IGHO
Hmmm, your ideas are intriguing, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter…
Dear Mr Igho,
I am very interested in your proposition as I am the founder of several non profit organisations which could benefit greatly from the proceeds of mutual co-operation. Civil Rights work (and primarily the defence of civil liberties) is the primary driving force in my life and your great generosity could have untold benefits for an incalculable number of unfortunate people.
However, I am wary for three reasons. The first is that prior correspondence with past employees from your branch has left me with the impression that your bank’s management structure is somewhat capricious. E-mails I have received from one Dr Tony Eyo, a Mr Sylma Di Edro, a Mr Lucius Ajose, a Ms Ana Bukana, a Mr Henry Achebe, and a Mr. Paul Bassey, all of whom purport to be the sole manager of your Branch and all of whom approached me with very similar offers in quick succession lead me to believe that they have either been fired or that one of you is afflicted with multiple personality disorder (If this is the case please be assured that I mean no offence and that multiple personality disorder is in no way a barrier to being a good banker. However I am old fashioned and prefer my money to be handled by one creative financial brain as opposed to fifty seven fragmented and distorted psyches, each fighting for sole dominance by mercilessly suffocating all companion personalities until the psychological battleground of the host’s shattered mind is strewn with crushed malformed personalities each rent asunder by vast, overwhelming cognative dissonence. But that’s just me.)
The second is that I am wary of hackers stealing my details. I have been bitten by hackers numerous times. I once tried to buy a bird feeder on Ebay and some thirteen year old punk got my card number and used it to buy the entire Limp Bizkit back catalogue, a potato gun and 3 boxes of Danish softcore skinflicks (like the little brat was bold enough to commit credit card fraud but was far too timid to risk his mommy finding him watching the good stuff. I speak of course, of German scat.)
But I get distracted. The third reason for my concern (and I do sincerely hope you will not take offence) is that I am aware that Nigeria is a prominently muslim country. Due to my strict upbringing in a box in a tiny attic by Southern Baptist parents in the heart of Louisiana who wouldn’t let me see daylight until I managed to recite both the old and new testaments from memory in both English and Hebrew (a feat I accomplished at 27) I find it very difficult to conceive of anyone who is not a fundamentalist Christian being anything other than hellbound human wreckage with a heart as black as a coal pit. Were I to receive assurances from you that you were, like me, a fundamentalist Christian (and I am aware there is a small yet statistically significant proportion of you in Nigeria so I am hopeful) it would go a long way towards reassuring me that this transaction would be as secure as the good Lord could make it.
So, to summarise, before I give you my details I would like to receive assurances from you that (a) your banks management structure is secure and you will be in charge of the transaction from beginning to end (b) that there is no risk of computer criminals getting control of my details and © that you are fundamentalist Christian like myself.
Upon receipt of these assurances I will be more than willing to give you whatever details you require. You may rest assured that the money I will receive from this transaction will go towards a great many good causes such as the non-profit NAMBLA society against sexual bigotry, the Pat Robertson Cancer Treatment fund to help the vastly influential Evangelical preacher in his battle with prostate cancer and the Jeffrey Dahmer memorial society commemorating the culinary entrepreneur who did so much work to expand our minds to new and exciting gastronomic delicacies.
I sincerely look forward to hearing from you.
Warmest Regards
Dr Ben Hicks MD.
Dear Dr Hicks
Thank you for the prompt response to my email message. We have discussed your response, and we are satisfied that you understand the nature of this pending project. We firmly believe that we can rely on your total support and confidentiality in this project, and as such, we have decided, that based on this understanding we shall explain to you in details, the true picture of this project.
However, before we proceed, we would once again emphasize on the importance of confidentiality. This is because we are all top civil servants, and we would not like our good reputation and many years of meritorious service to our fatherland to be dented, if eventually any other party apart from yourself and us gets to hear about this project, it might jeopardize everything we have worked for in this life. You would agree with us that a successful transfer of the funds alone, which does not guarantee the enjoyment of it, is no success. With this, I hope you understand why we are hammering on confidentiality. With absolute confidentiality, this project is 100% risk free, please do not let us down. If you follow our instructions religiously and promptly, we as originators of this project assure you that this project would be concluded within 10-14 banking days without any risk. This is our guarantee to you and you can count on it. We recognize the magnitude of trust involved in allowing us use your bank account for this project. We on our side will not let you down, as we are absolutely confident of success in all ramifications.
To enable us commence the project, you are immediately requested to furnish us with following information. 1. A bank account for the transfer of funds. 2. Your confidential telephone/fax number. 3. Your residential or company address.
Our perfected modalities for the transfer of the funds, is for the transfer to be made to take the semblance of a contract payment to your or your company (for us all), for a contract that would be officially perceived to have been executed by your company for the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). With the use of your details as requested above, we shall register your company with my bank.
The entire process of the funds release and transfer, would be officialised totally to ensure total legitimacy as obtains in the case of all contract transfer. This would be our responsibility. The total officilisation of the transfer would cater for any inquiries (if any) by your bankers, as to the source of funds when it arrives your account for us all, as your bankers can verify the source directly from us if they wish. The process of the transfer would be a bank-to-bank affair. In the interest of bolstering onfidentiality at this stage of commencement of the project, we advice that you should for now stop whatever discussion you may wish to have with your Bankers, in respect of your expectation of the funds until we advice you to do so as we need to monitor everything closely from this end. Please ensure you comply with this instruction.
Concerning our own investment, we intend to discuss extensively with you over a bottle of wine on a round table when we come down to be with you for the disbursement. You would agree with us that the above arrangement would cater for all forms of legitimacy on your side in respect of the funds arrival in your account.
As regards your specific queries, let me take the utmost care in ensuring you that the STALLION BANK is a safe and stable organisation and any correspondence between us on this matter is completely confidential and safe from computer criminals and other miscreants.
I am also delighted to hear of your plans to use the money to aid the disadvantaged.
We await your urgent response to enable us commence the project officially as time is of equal essence as confidentiality.
Best regards,
Jacob Igho
The plot thickens. I decide to up the ante. Oh well, as any guy’ll tell ya, it’s hard to stop yourself from yanking once you’ve started.
Dear Mr Igho
Thank you for your kind words regarding my intention to use your money for good causes. I’ll tell the NAMBLA guys (hiding) at the Y that you’re their benefactor. I’m sure they’d like to show their appreciation with a glass of fine wine when it comes to the disbursement. Do you have a family?
I take it by your lack of an answer that you are not a born again Christian. This is deeply troubling for me but your reassurance as to the safety and security of this enterprise are almost enough to make me overlook the fact that, in Hell, all the laundered money in the world won’t buy you a single droplet of water to cool your tongue. Almost. I have one more stipulation to include in light of your Godlessness which will put me in a more cooperative mindset.
What’s your mail order bride industry like?
Being a Biblical literalist does have its problems when one wishes to entice a member of the fairer sex to partake of conjugality within the confines of holy matrimony in the eyes of the LORD. For instance, Leviticus says that I am not allowed near a woman during her period of menstrual uncleanliness, and I can never be sure when that is since all enquiries on the matter end up with either a slap in the face or a kick in the family jewels so I just play safe and stay indoors all the time. As a consequence of both sexual frustration and the kicking I have testicles the size of ripe watermelons and have been confined to a wheelchair. I feel a submissive mail order bride who will bow to my every whim and will tell me when it is safe to be in her presence to avoid the wrath of the LORD will be an ideal solution to this problem.
Alas I have not been feeling well of late and I have been experiencing severe stomach pains caused (I believe) by an enormous pocket of biogas that somehow is able to eject itself from my puckered rectum seemingly at will, usually in such small spaces as lifts, buses, confessional booths, and tube trains. This may impede the progress of our transaction as a fast recovery is not guaranteed. For this reason I am still reticent to hand over any of my details until I am full functional in mind and body. I would hate for my flatulence to be the cause of a disservice to your good self.
Warmest regards,
Dr. Ben Hicks MD
Incredibly, the scammer wrote again a few days later. This time I sensed a slight impatience creeping into his tone. And I was only trying to be helpful…
Dear Hicks.
We have been expecting you to send us the relevant details we are to use in commencing the project,this we have not gotten from you.
However,we equally found out that you are definately going to spend some money at your end because you will be asked to pay for charges on this funds by my Government,this is why we have been very worrired, if you will be able to meet up with the requirment from the Government concerning the charges.
We await your urgent response on this development.
Jacob Igho
P.S. - I hope you recover from your illness promptly so our transaction can proceed uninhibited.
Dear Mr Igho
First off, sir, I hate to sound like a stickler for formality, especially since you have graciously granted me one shot at achieving my lifes ambition of being able to swim in a pool of gold coins al la Scrooge McDuck but I noticed that you didn’t address me by my proper title, which is Dr, opting for the more familiar “Hicks”. Now, I don’t necessarily believe that familiarity breeds contempt, but your familiarity is utterly contemptible. Especially so since I have been positively scrupulous in being formal and business like with you. I could have addressed this e-mail to “Jakey-boy, bean counter” but I chose the more formal “Mr Igho”. I trust you will do me the same courtesy.
Thank you for enquiring into my health. Luckily, my stomach is feeling better of late and I have not had to go to my contingency plan of getting a back-alley rectal probe from a friend of mine, who is a fireman.
I was also disappointed in your reticence of addressing the question of the Nigerian mail order brides. This really is of the utmost importance. My sexual frustration is so great that I was only able to avoid the sins of self indulgence by paying 2 large men to tenderise my knuckles with a rock hammer. I am currently typing this e-mail with the aid of a pencil between my teeth.
The question of the nubile Nigerian girls is, of course, non-negotiable, coming from God Almighty himself who, if you have read the Old Testament, you know doesn’t take any shit. I’m serious, I’m getting re-e-e-e-a-l desperate here and I need to find a better vent for my frustrations than the biannual Christian Coalition Circle-Jerk at our local parish hall.
Your assistance in this matter is greatly appreciated, as is your competant and professional manner which far outranks that of any service personell I have encountered here in The States. The idea that you’re a devious, soulless, gutless, craven, amoral, swindling, black toothed, manipulative little goblin seems more ridiculous each passing day.
See ya on the flip side.
Dr. Ben Hicks
Unfortunately I haven’t herd anything more from Mr Igho. I do hope he hasn’t found someone he’d rather give all this money too. The guys at NAMBLA hate it when I welch on a promise.
Sorry for lying about the titty, by the way.
Crikey. That’s a work of art.
Check out the work of some others in this area:
The Chaos Project
Well, I’m glad that you finally got your very own nigerian spammer to play with. . .
What boggles the mind is that just last night a friend of mine showed me a real, live snail-mail letter that was part of the same series, though this time by a supposed Algerian national hiding out in Spain.
The letter was actually sent from Spain. Now, free spam is one thing, but the fact that some idiot went through the trouble to hand-address the envelope (the letter itself was xeroxed) and spent the money on air-postage shows some extreme tenacity.
Anywho - I’m off to print this thread out for my friend - he’ll get a kick out of Ben ’s correspondence. . .
Love it!
This was so funny that I forgot about titties for about 10 seconds. Then I got better.
I command thee to keep us posted if “Jakey-boy, bean counter” responds!
No. I’m sorry. I lied about the titty.
Here’s some Red Hot Porn to tide you over.