Left-laners You enter a nearly-empty highway from an entrance ramp. No one is in front of you. You immediately shoot over three lanes to the left. There’s nowhere to turn left for 7 miles…what the hell was wrong with where you were?
The Merge You have 150 feet of acceleration lane. You drive to the end of it at 5mph, then stop. You’re an idiot. The guy that followed you there is an idiot too! Learn to fucking merge!
The Fake You’re at a stop, trying to get into traffic. You lunge forward, then brake sharply. Pause…repeat. Pause…repeat. What’s the bloody problem? Suggestion: Wait. Go. It’s simple.
C’mon, Pokey! If you must pull out in front of someone with little space to spare…accelerate! You’re not fucking driving Miss Daisy…step on it, Bertha. It’s the narrow pedal on the right.
Miscellaneous shit that I’ve seen:
Cigarette in left hand, out of the window. Cell phone in right hand, against head. Unless you have a serious genetic mutation that has formed a prehensile kneecap, would it be too much to ask to hold onto the goddamn steering wheel?
Flossing at 50mph. WTF? I’m all for good dental hygiene, but…(see question directly above).
Rear-ending someone in the southbound lane, because of rubbernecking at a crash in the northbound lane. Classic! I would’ve loved to have stuck around to hear that conversation.
Ambulance t-boned at an intersection where you can see literally a half-mile ahead. Apparently 20 flashing lights and a 150-decibel siren aren’t enough for some folks. The kicker was…the guy swerved into it. Had he remained oblivious for just a little longer, and gone straight ahead…no crash.
::leaves, muttering something about blood-pressure medication::
Man, I hear you.
Today I was leaving my shitty-ass lame-ass part time job at Best Buy.
I walked out the front door, looked both ways, and started to cross the little street type deal that makes up the front of the parking lot.
Sure, there were cars comeing, but there is a cross-walk, and a two-way stop, so I was cool.
Anyway, this fuckin’ squid-fuck pulls up in his retarded fuckin’ Saturn with a fat shiny exhaust pipe and japanese stickers on it, shitty stereo blastin’ some kind of assholio ghetto disco-techno, and glares at me as I walk in front of his car.
When I get to passenger side, he says
“Asshole. Watch where you’re going!”
Huh? So I turn around and say
“Huh?”
“I’m drivin’ here! I almost hit your fat ass!”
“Okay, but check it out, giggle-boy,” I say as I walk up to the stop-sign.
I point to the stop sign and say “This is a stop-sign. It means you stop. So even if I hadn’t walked in front of your piece of shit, you would’ve had to stop anyway. Not only that, but this is cross-walk. I have the right of way. And since I think you are a mouthy little punk, and would like nothing more than to kick your bitchy little ass, if you don’t like it, suck my dick you little fuckin’ girl.”
Yo, bozo! That thing next to the gas pedal is called a “brake pedal”. If the car in front of you slows down all of a sudden, the proper response is to press on the brake pedal, NOT hit the gas, swing around the car around you angrily, and hit the (cat, dog, kid…etc.) that the car in front of you was trying not to hit in the first place.
Also, the lever to the left of the steering wheel is called a “turn signal”. If you ever do remember to use it, try turning it on before you start making the turn. I love watching a car go half-way through a turn before a turn signal comes on. Like I wouldn’t be able to figure out the car was turning without it. Schmuck.
I swear to God, I am seeing people wait until they pull out their parking spaces before they start dialing. I want to smack them upside their empty heads!!!
Of course, it is often the police that do this… hoping to distract you and have you screw up so they can ticket you.
This happened to a woman in our town, who asked why he had his brights on, and he said that it was the way the cars headlights are - ‘they’re just naturally bright’ So she wrote the town paper and reported the whole exchange.
Another traffic thing I hate: Cops that are ‘immune’ to traffic laws.
I used to believe the same thing. The way I had heard it for years was that the “E” on their license plates made them immune to the law.
Then, when I went through a Juveniles in justice class in high school, the subject came up. The officer was asked whether the “E” meant they were immune to traffic laws and tickets. According to him the answer is no. “E” means “Exempt”, but only exempt from taxes!
So, in theory, if the cop didn’t laugh in your face and slap you around like a wet rag with his nightstick, he could be ticketed by you.
Wanna try it? I don’t
Oh, and SeatTime, I’m glad you don’t drive in california, concerning your views on the left lane. If you intend on driving rather fast, or just faster than the flow of traffic, it is expected that you stay in the far left lane(AKA “Fast lane”). Driving around idiots who think that 45Mph is an acceptable speed for that lane is fucking ridiculous.
Nobody in front of you? Well, it’s a touch more intelligent to stay left even if the road is clear, due to exits on the right and slow fucking mergers.
I hate it when someone in an old beater decides to pull out right in front of me when there is no one in sight behind me! What, you can’t wait that extra 5 seconds to let me pass? Then, you can do your 0-60 acceleration in 3 minutes.
Also, I hate it when I’m waiting to turn right on red and the car I was waiting for to get through the intersection turns without ever using the turn signal. If you indicate that you are turning at the intersection then I can pull out and be on my merry way.
Dude. I understand it’s dark at night. But Jesus Christ, it’s not a black hole we’re driving in. There’s enough light on your average highway to read a fracking newspaper. So why do you have at least 150,000 watts of High Intensity Fog Lamps? If your are so blind you need them, do me, the guy in front of me, oncoming traffic, overhead aircraft, and the shuttle a favor and POINT THE DAMN THINGS ON THE GROUND!! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realise if you are shutting off those bigass arc lights the hwy dept uses, you MIGHT have your fog lamps aligned wrong!
Cell Phones: either hang up, or do like I do and let my wife talk on it. Works fine. have to talk? Pull over.
Speed: I understand that some guys are so insecure in their manliness, they need powerful engines to make up for their lack of machismo. They need to do 800mph to go to the store for a gallon of milk. A curve should be taken on two wheels, or in a full powerslide for these guys. But seriously, no one is going to laugh if it takes you a little over a minute to go a mile, at least.
Oh, my pet peeve. Mirrors. They arent’ for checking hair, they’re for checking traffic. Use them. And look over in that direction too. You never know who might be in your blind spot.
