It was just me and our 5 cats +1 kitten here for Christmas. My live-at-home daughter and her boyfriend spent the day at his mother’s house. Daughter is vegan, so I didn’t mind—I’ll make a delicious non-vegan Christmas feast for one and relax alone in front of the TV for the holiday.
I roasted a Rock Cornish game hen in my trusty airfyer and served it with instant potatoes, Stove Top stuffing and canned peas. Martha Stewart, eat your heart out.
I set my plate on my TV table in front of the TV and cued up a nice Christmassy show to watch: lecture #21 from the Wondrium streaming service, The Middle Ages around the World series entitled Late Medieval Disasters: Climate and Plague. Not quite as heartwarming as It’s A Wonderful Life, but close enough.
I took a bite of my roasted Rock Cornish hen (and it was indeed delicious) and realized I didn’t have a proper post-apéritif to wash it down with. So, I went to the kitchen, poured a glass of diet coke and returned to my seat in front of the TV.
Hmm, something seems amiss. Instant potatoes; check. Stove Top stuffing; check. Canned peas; check…Rock Cornish hen; uncheck! Where the hell is my Rock Cornish hen? This is a Christmas mystery of biblical proportions.
And then I remembered the 6 obligate carnivores I cohabitate with. Could they? Would they? Surely not. I feed them well. I pet them. I provide them with room and shelter. I even get them high on catnip! Would they really deprive me, their benevolent caregiver, of my simple Christmas meal?
Scientific FAQ: Cats in general are assholes. Mine are more assholish than normal. They are the James-Younger Gang of the feline world, and Meatball is the leader of the pack. He’s the fastest claw in the Southeast. I’ve seen him snatch and run with meat from my plate so fast it’s a blur, you can’t see it without slo-mo video. Kitten Ollie is following fast in his paw-steps. The worst of the worst. True sociopathcats (there’s a photo of Meatball and Ollie next to that term in the ICD-10 manual).
Sure enough, when I tracked the notorious gang down in the dining room, Meatball and Ollie were engaged in a tug-of-war with my entree’s left leg. Benny, Coconut, Fish, and Pee Pee (known for peeing on my valuable stuff) were gnawing rigorously on the rest of the carcass. It was a bloody birdbath, fowl in all respects.
Oh well, Merry Christmas cats, you furry mother f@&%^$s!