Niece and OP are in contact via email, and in this day and age distance isn’t really prohibitive of making a phone call. I’m with BoBettie, some sort of acknowledgment is in order.
Nonetheless, I don’t think its worth becoming upset about this, a simple phone call will clear everything up and gives the niece a chance to give her apologies and thanks. In a lifelong relationship (with people who don’t have a personal secretary) something like this will probably happen sooner or later. If it becomes a pattern then maybe its time to wonder if the gifts are worth the trouble.
My nieces and nephew have never acknowledged a gift sent to them. My niece is now 18 and received the most recent Harry Potter book upon its release for her birthday. Since I knew that my niece would not acknowdge the gift, I asked my sister to let me know when it arrived. Unfortunately, she doesn’t ever respond either.
I think you are reading a lot into the lack of a thank you note if you think you don’t matter to the person - though I think you have a point about the gift - since if it really delighted them I can’t imagine them not wanting to call and share their delight. And I’d posit that its quite possible that the thank you note is not necessarily a sign of a person giving a damn about you, but someone who is well trained enough to write thank you notes. (I’ve met some darn UNGRACIOUS people who can write a perfectly nice thank you note - and some wonderful people who just can’t get their shit together enough to write one - or do my favorite trick - I write them and don’t mail them - then find them two years later in the bottom of the purse I was using at that time.).
I’m not seeing how no thank you note is the equivalent of saying “You don’t matter to me.” If you send me a gift on my birthday that tells me that you appreciate me. If I send you a birthday gift that should tell you that I appreciate you. If only one person is doing the giving that is a much bigger sign that the other doesn’t matter than if you don’t receive a note. Saying thank you is polite and good form and I send thank you notes all the time, but I would never assume that because I didn’t get one that the other person doesn’t appreciate me.
I wouldn’t say that a single missed thank you note should evoke this response, but if it’s a continual thing then yeah, I do have to start wondering whether the relationship is important enough to the other person for me to continue it.
Are they returning gifts? I kind of agree with pbbth - if they are giving you a gift in return, you have a friend who doesn’t do thank you notes - this may be a reason to cross them off your list of people you associate with - if so, you are lucky to have so many friends that you can get rid of the ones that can’t handle thank you notes - I’m afraid I’d live a lonely life if I only associated with people who regularly sent thank you notes. If however, you give gifts, don’t receive thank yous, don’t ever get a gift in return, and when you call they are always “washing their hair” - yeah, the hallmarks of a one sided relationship are there and maybe its a hint.
Thank you notes…I hate that business. If I really feel grateful to you then I’ll actually send one. I did the whole thing where I sent out invitations to my graduation and received money and then sent out thankyou notes. I didn’t really care at the time, and realized it was just a stream of free money. But looking back, it’s not something I’m proud of. Those people shouldn’t have sent me that money.
Money being transferred via envelope isn’t very personal, and doesn’t really rack up on my gratitude meter. I’m sorry but it doesn’t. Why do you keep sending the money? Do you see her often enough to care? I want to write a thank you note when I feel like it, not through obligation. Then it just sullies the whole process. Give her the money because you want her to have it, not because you want a thank you note in return.