Just wondering what your expectations (if any) are regarding thank you notes - when you either give or receive a gift. Any thought as to situations in which they are strongly expected? If so, what form ought they take, and how quickly ought they be sent?
Disclaimer - I’ve previously been told around here that my ideas re: gift-giving are out of whack, and that gifts should be given with no strings attached. I’ve kept those thoughts in mind, although I have not completely changed my thinking to the extent some have suggested. IMO, there are some situations in which the sending of a thank you note is an appropriate reciprocity to receiving a gift. Such as when receiving a wedding gift via mail.
Context in which this came up: my son was married last Thanksgiving. They have not yet sent thank you notes to everyone who sent gifts. At least a couple of people have asked us whether the gifts they sent had been received. I pretty much think the sending of thank you notes in some reasonable amount of time - maybe 6 months - is just good manners. My son feels it is a horrible imposition, and says he would have preferred not receiving the gifts.
I recently attended 2 more weddings of nieces and nephews, and it is clear that many aspects of modern weddings are different from what I experienced 30+ years ago when I got married. I have no desire to be an unthinking slave to past practices. But I also think that SOME traditions had SOME value. Wondering what current thinking was on this topic.
Other than weddings, are there any other situations in which you send - or like to receive - thank yous? Either a mailed note, a phone call, or a text? Do you think the sending of such notes socially expected, good manners, just a nice thing to do, or something else?
As a general matter, if someone hands me a gift and I verbally thank them, no follow-up is required. Although in some situations, with someone I care for, I think the sending of a note saying essentially “Thinking of you” is a nice thing to do. Can’t remember the last time anyone sent me a gift, but if someone sends me a card for my birthday or Father’s Day, I think I generally at least send a text saying, “Thanks for the card.”
I wouldn’t expect a thank you for a fairly low value gift, but I confess I still feel a bit miffed about never getting a thank you from my nephew when I gifted him and his wife £200 cash for their wedding. An email would have been fine!
I’m not sure whether “horrible imposition” is a direct quote - my wife spoke with him on the phone and then we discussed it. But it is close.
We asked one daughter about this, and she said something along the lines of preferring that she never received a gift, such that she wouldn’t have to send notes.
Just thinking about how we (tried to) raise them. I recall when they opened a gift in the giver’s presence, that they were to look the giver in the eye and say “Thank you” audibly. And I recall requiring that they send a drawing or a short note when the giver wasn’t present.
Not at all a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Just wondering. We thought this was just one of countless things we tried to encourage in our kids concerning manners, and to make social interactions more positive. I’m sure we could have screwed up in our attempts to teach a certain lesson, our kids might be fucked up, social mores may have changed, or more…
Personally, I tend not to be the over-emotional/demonstrative type. So I welcome the sort of thing like thank you, get well, or sympathy notes, as they allow me to “give the impression” of politeness and consideration, when I might not come up with my own ways to express what I’m truly feeling.
I have no idea what current thinking is on the topic. I have a very clear idea of Correct Thinking on the topic as taught to me by my dear mother.
[ul][li]Thank yous are not optional.[/li][li]Hand written notes count.[/li][li]Texts do not count.[/li][li]Email does not count.[/li][li]Thank you notes are sent out as soon as possible.[/li][li]Seven months is not “as soon as possible”. [/li][li]Thank you notes are brief, hand written, and in this case include a charming apology for their lateness (“Darvin and I have been so busy working on his parole hearings, but I wanted you to know how much we appreciated the crockpot”)[/li][li]They don’t all have to come from the bride, but they have to come.[/ul]A bread and butter note thanking your hostess after a visit that lasts overnight is sent the morning after you get home. Thank you notes are written Christmas morning, in the dead time between breakfast and the afternoon party. Birthday gift thank yous are written the morning after your birthday.[/li]
This makes no difference. Thank them for their kindness and good wishes.
This is How Things Are Done, and I Don’t Care What Other People Do Because I Raised You Better Than This.
Now sit up straight, brush your teeth, and call once in a while - don’t you own a telephone?
I have no idea what current thinking is on the topic. I have a very clear idea of Correct Thinking on the topic as taught to me by my dear mother.
[ul][li]Thank yous are not optional.[/li][li]Hand written notes count.[/li][li]Texts do not count.[/li][li]Email does not count.[/li][li]Thank you notes are sent out as soon as possible.[/li][li]Seven months is not “as soon as possible”. [/li][li]Thank you notes are brief, hand written, and in this case include a charming apology for their lateness (“Darvin and I have been so busy working on his parole hearings, but I wanted you to know how much we appreciated the crockpot”)[/li][li]They don’t all have to come from the bride, but they have to come.[/ul][/li][/QUOTE]
My dear mother taught me exactly the same things.
As far as Dinsdale’s son goes - if he felt so strongly about it, he should have said ‘no gifts’ in the wedding invitations. :smack:
For more formal situations like wedding gifts, I certainly would expect written thank you notes to be sent, relatively soon after the wedding. I think that’s still the general expectation, although I may be out of touch with the current generation.
For less formal things, written thank you notes seem to have fallen out of fashion somewhat. I know that, because I was raised that you always send written thank you notes for everything. Birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, being invited to a party–almost everything.
I’ve stopped doing a lot of those things, because most of my friends think it’s weird. Like, sending a thank you note to someone who has sent me a birthday present, or had me over to their house for a Christmas party. It became clear from people’s reactions that they weren’t expecting to get a thank you note. And while they didn’t exactly object to receiving them, folks obviously thought I was a bit of an odd duck for sending them.
The sending of these sort of notes, I think, is declining thanks to social media. You can send someone a quick thank you message, or get well soon message, or congratulations message, through Facebook or Twitter, and people seem to accept that as somehow a more “natural” way to keep in touch. Notes through the mail, like anything going through the mail, strikes a lot of people today as old-fashioned and sort of “out of touch.”
Thank you notes should always be sent in these situations:
Wedding gift
Graduation gift
Money or flowers sent for a funeral
Any gift you receive if the giver is not present when you open it. If you receive a gift and open it in front of the person, then it’s perfectly fine to thank them then.
When my son was sick, my friends organized a benefit for him. People and businesses were very generous and thoughtful. There were over 1000 people at his benefit. He was too ill at the time to do much, so his fiancee and I sent out over 300 thank you notes. (There were many people that we weren’t able to thank because we didn’t have their names.) We included a personal note in each one. We were so thankful for and touched by everything that people did for us that to not thank them would be unthinkable. We did the same thing after his funeral - over 250 thank you notes with a message in each.
I can’t believe someone would actually say they’d rather not get the gift if it means having to send a thank you. That’s one of the rudest things I’ve ever heard.
In Spain the normal protocol is that you thank people in person; usually at the ceremony where whatever is celebrated takes place, and if not at the earliest possible opportunity. A written note or phone call would only be required for someone like Uncle Joe Who Is An Oil Tanker’s Captain And Right Now Somewhere Near Tasmania (for a wide definition of “near”). You also do not send gifts for something you won’t be attending unless you happen to be someone very close to the people involved (say, the godparent of one of the new spouses) and it’s logistically impossible. Families will do things such as hold off on a wedding or baptism for up to a year so it can take place when Uncle Joe happens to be on vacation and can attend. If you can’t attend due to being hospitalized and you’re close enough for it, you may give a smaller than usual gift when the people in question go visit you at the hospital; they will of course thank you for it and make lots of “you shouldn’t have!” noises.
Preferring to not receive a gift so one doesn’t have to write a thank you note is very weird. The fact that both your children think that is even weirder.
Thank you notes suck. I have no urge to read or write them. My wife wrote all of ours for our wedding and I think it took her months to get the stupid things out. I would be quite happy if people who gave me presents and were put out of shape by my lack of thank you note never gave me a present again or for that matter never gave me a present to begin with. So I guess I agree with your son.
I would guess there is a strong correlation between the age of people and their desire for thank you cards.
I don’t expect them but I love it when I get one. I also send them a lot; even for lower value things or casual “thinking of you when I saw this” sort of gifts. I have notes I got 50 years ago; the gift is probably long gone but I still have that as a part of the memory.
Different people have wildly different attitudes toward everything related to gifts (including thank-yous for them); and I suspect this has less to do with age than it does with personal and family history, expectations, “love languages,” experience with gifting-related cherished memories on the one hand, or manipulation or disappointment or rejection on the other.
To some people, giving gifts, and thanking people for them, is a relatively easy way of making other people feel good and loved and appreciated. To others, it’s a burden.
The last wedding reception I attended we had name cards on the table so we knew where to sit. Under the name card was an envelope we were asked to address, so the couple could send out thank you cards. That was weird.
When I give a gift, a text message thank you is enough. A card in the mail is overkill and environmentally unnecessary.
If I receive a gift, I like to mail a written thank you promptly. This is especially true for something like a graduation or wedding where the gift was likely sent ahead of time and opened outside the giver’s presence. There is no opportunity to thank them otherwise. For a wedding, I’d say a couple of months is a good timeline for getting them out. There are lots of gifts and the post-wedding period is often busy for a lot of reasons. I sent a bunch of thank yous on Sunday and I’m currently distressed because I left one person out. I need to get on that this weekend.
For less formal relationships and occasions where someone brings me a small gift, I’ll thank them in person but generally not more. This includes things like when I receive a bottle of wine for hosting dinner or some other thoughtful present when I watched someone’s dog. There has been a roughly even exchange where I did something nice for them and they acknowledged it appropriately. Neither of us owes the other a thank you beyond the ones we exchanged in person.
I never expect a thank you and I’m never disappointed.
Also, it’s tacky for the givers in your case to hound you instead of your son for a thank you. If they are worried that your son didn’t get his gifts, they could contact your son and inquire. They are just trying to shame you for some perceived lapse in parenting which is worse manners than your son has displayed. Your son is a grown man responsible for his own relationships with the people who gave him things for his wedding and for writing them thank you notes.
Agreed 100%. And, if he received a gift anyway, he should still write a thank you. Heck, an email would be enough to at least let people know he got the gift.
Cumulatively, I have hosted probably thousands of people for dinner or parties over the years and I have never received a written thank you. I would be shocked to get one now. I think the best thanks for an invitation is to reciprocate by inviting me out once in a while.
TRC4941, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to lose a child. I’m so sorry for you. That you would care enough in your time of grief to send thank yous to the people who supported you is a testament to your character. When I give a funeral gift, I don’t expect a thank you. I don’t want my gift to generate the burden of a thank you for a grieving person.
“Thinking of you” gifts are some of my favorites. I like knowing that someone got me a present not out of any obligation but just because they care. Some of those presents are terrible but the sentiment couldn’t be greater.
The good news is that for those of us who follow traditional thank you note etiquette, the common advice on dealing with people who don’t send thank you notes is to stop sending them gifts. So those who would rather not receive a gift than send a thank you note are likely to get their wish.
So what - if anything - do you say to the person who asks or your adult kid in the situation I describe?
I pretty much agree - at least WRT the kid being his own adult, responsible for his choices. But he lives in a different city. It does not strike me as necessarily off-base for someone to make such an inquiry should we run into each other or speak on the phone. And, what sorta bothers me is this would never have happened if the kid just tossed off a quick Thank You note.
So say your sibling asks if the kid got a gift. What do you say to your sibling/son?
Let’s take another situation. Let’s say you send a family member a check every birthday. If they do not acknowledge receipt in any way (other than cashing it) do you keep sending checks? Do you send a birthday check, if your adult child makes no acknowledgment of your birthday?
This is where I expect a discussion of not placing conditions on gifts. I guess I expect SOME minimal reciprocity - in the form of thanks. Seriously - I’d be OK with a text. If I’m not satisfied with what I receive in response, my choice is to not send the next check.
I’m not aware of any explanation for not expressing thanks for a gift other than laziness, selfishness, and poor manners. And yes, I had thought we had raised our kids better than that. :rolleyes:
I would say, “I don’t know but here’s his email address. You should check with him.” This has the side effect of making your son realize and bear the consequences of his rudeness. Alternatively, the inquirer might just drop the issue but I’d be okay with that result too.
As I said above, I never expect a thank you and I am never disappointed. If my hypothetical son were not to to thank me for my present, I would probably still send them. I’m sending gifts because he is important to me and because I want him to have a happy birthday. I don’t really celebrate my birthday I wouldn’t really want any particular acknowledgment but I can understand that other people have different expectations around their birthday. What I would hope for is that my child loves me, knows that I love him, appreciates that I did the best I could, and tries to maintain a real relationship with me on that basis. The odd omitted thank you would mean a lot less to me than that other stuff.
This is perfectly reasonable. If giving him presents is unfulfilling to you, stop. I’m sure there are people I love less than my hypothetical son who I would stop sending gifts to in the same circumstances. Along with not expecting thank yous, I don’t expect gifts and I don’t think any adult should.
Thank You notes are a ritualized expression of gratitude. Ritualized words & actions are, by definition, rigid and only nominally situational. Planned beforehand as an expected response to a gift under specific circumstances, they can never truly express what is felt by the individual in the moment and in the context of any particular relationship. A Thank You card is, to me, no different from the message you get from a toddler who has chosen to apologize for something as an alternative to physical abuse. If I can’t be sure the 45 seconds you took to pen me a note of thanks represents genuine gratitude, then I don’t want it. You’re insulting us both by expecting the canned response to convey any kind of meaning. That said, I am a big boy. If I get a thank you note I read it and throw it away because I know what it meant to the person sending it. It’s a formality that has been addressed, and I won’t hold that against the sender. And I will say thank you when I receive a gift or kindness because I’m not a dick. If you notice that I never sent you a Thank You note, then I probably don’t give too many fucks about you anyway.
Alternatively, out-of-the-blue gifts & deeds are how I roll. And like revenge, temporal distance from the triggering event demonstrates memory and dedication to developing the social connection.
