I have noticed that certain acquaintances keep a thank you note score card running in their head. And I have to say I agree with the principle of writing a thank you note, but I feel its unrealistic in today’s world. I am not a stay at home mom with a nanny and a maid. I don’t go to lunch with the ladies and chatter over our embroidery. There’s no time for any of that. I’m not saying that I don’t write them at all, I’m just saying I write them for the big things: my wedding, the gifts for the babies when they were born, when someone goes out of their way to help me out when they didn’t have to, or even asked to.
What I object to is writing them for every birthday party for every year. It seems redundant to me: I/me/my children thank you when you come in the door for coming, I/me/my children thank you when the gift is opened, I/me/my children thank you when we give out the little party favor, then we thank you for coming on your way out. So… you need a note just in case you weren’t sure I was grateful?
I don’t believe in sending thank you notes for birthday parties. I send them for weddings and showers but that’s about it. Like you said, you thank them for coming and thank them when the birthday gifts are opened and usually thank them again when they get ready to leave. That seems like enough to me.
The only thing I don’t like about receiving thank you notes is when they all have the same message and it’s not personalized. I received a thank you note from someone whose baby shower I attended. It read:
Thank you for attending our baby shower and thank you for your gift.
Very impersonal IMO. When I send thank you notes I specify what gift they gave and add a few additional comments to make it more personal… to show that I care that they showed up.
Thank you notes are definitely required for special occasions - I think that’s a given. As for holiday and birthday gifts, my personal rule of thumb is to send a note if the gift was sent. So when you get something from someone in person, you thank them in person. If it comes from out of town, you must write, even if you telephone the sender with thanks.
I think it’s a nice gesture, tho, to write a note anytime you receive a particularly thoughtful gift, even if you’ve thanked the giver in person.
My kid has been writing notes since she could write, and I taught her to mention the specific gift and comment on it. When relatives send her checks, she’ll tell them what she intends to do with the money - buy a book or a CD or clothing. A little ink and a postage stamp can go a long way in the warm-n-fuzzy department!!!
How long does it take to write a thank-you note, beginning to end? Including finding notecards, writing it out, looking up the address, and putting a stamp on it? If it’s more than ten minutes, I’d be surprised. The “I don’t have time” excuse is really more of a “I don’t want to be bothered” excuse.
Here’s the thing - you may very well dislike SENDING thank-you notes. But there isn’t a single person I’ve ever met who doesn’t LOVE to receive them. If someone is nice enough to give you a gift, isn’t it worth ten minutes of your time to do something nice for them?
My stepchildren no longer receive gifts from my family due to the complete and total absence of thank-you notes during the time my husband and I have been together.
If you don’t send thank-yous, don’t be surprised when you no longer receive gifts.
One of my sisters-in-law has a “No Thank You Note Club” – if you join it, you never have to write a thank you note to anyone else in the club, and they never have to write you one. It’s great, because we all agree that we’d rather not spend the time. Of course, sometimes I send thank you notes to people who are not in the Club, but I sorta wish everyone would join it.
This is why our society is going to hell in a handbasket. I agree 100% with Winnowill; How long does it take to write a thank you note? Certainly LESS TIME THEN IT TOOK THE PERSON TO BUY THE PRESENT! Getting off your self important ass and writing a three sentence thank you note is the least you could do! Does the world revolve around you people who don’t write notes? If you don’t want to be bothered writing a thank you, THEN RETURN THE GIFT AND SAY I CAN"T EXCEPT THIS BECAUSE I’M TOO LAZY TO WRITE A THANK YOU! Otherwise don’t be so God Damn rude!
Thank you notes should be written any time someone goes out of their way for you.
If you’re too lazy to buy a note and physically mail it, jot off an email. It takes 2 seconds (as opposed to 2 minutes) and while it’s tacky, the effect is the same.
Sheesh. People make their lives so much more difficult than they need to be.
(The ten minutes thing doesnt work: 10 minutes each note times 20 guests, that’s close to three hours, and no I don’t have that extra lying around) I tell my friends not to write me thank you notes, because I know how tedious it CAN get.
You’ve got to be kidding me. I don’t have a birthday party so you can buy something for my kid. I have a birthday party so we can celebrate another year and the anniversary of his coming in to the world. My kids have enough crap running around. If I invite you to my house it’s because you are loved and considered family and I want you around not your gifts. (Like I said big occasions and special out-of-the way help still get a note).
miamouse and I are on the same page I think. I don’t have 3 hours to spend writing thank you notes for the 30 family members that came to my kids’ birthday parties. I will send a thank you note to my aunt and uncle and my grandma who live in other states and sent a present to them though. I also call them so the kids can thank them too.
** Winnowill, does your family physically give these gifts or do you mail them. If you physically hand the step kids the gift and they say “Thank You” what do you need the note for? If you’re mailing the gifts to them and they don’t send a note or call to thank you, then yes, I agree that that’s rude.
I don’t know about the 10 minutes time frame, but in a Thank you note you should write:
Dear Soandso,
Thank you for attending my son/daughter’s birthday party. We really enjoyed having you there and [your child] really loves the [present]. It’s always so much fun for us to get together, I hope we can do it again soon.
Sincerely,
Liquidlobotomy
Under a minute to write that. Addressing an envelop ads maybe a few seconds to round it out to an even 2 minutes. Is it too much to ask for 2 minutes to respond to one of your friends? So you have 20 guests, that’s 40 minutes. You don’t have to sit down and plow all 20 notes out at once, spread them out.
The point is to be gracious. If you can’t be nice return the gift.
And for the record, the last time I had a birthday party that I hosted (3+ years ago) I wrote thank you notes to everyone who came, regardless of whether or not they brought a present. I wrote 35 notes over three days.
Did I need to do this? Probably not. Why did I do it? Because I’m a nice person to my friends and I appreciate them and value their time.
My stepchildren live in San Diego. My parents, until recently, lived in Ohio. The gifts, while presented to the children by us when possible, were still not presented by the actual givers. What’s more, the children were known to lie to their father when asked if they had sent notes.
I REALLY dislike the phonecall as an alternative to thank-you notes. And, in the long run, it takes MORE time, not less, than writing. You get on the phone “Hey, thanks for coming to the party last night. We had a great time, and it was great to see you.” If that were all, it would be fine. But phone calls never end there. Twenty-five minutes later, you’re still hemming and hawing.
And, I hate to say it, but…you COULD be writing thank-you notes during the time you spend posting here.
If I get a gift at a party/event specifically for me (shower, wedding, birthday party), you get a handwritten note. End of story.
If I get something in the mail from a friend or family member, I usually send them an email saying thanks for ___, love it!
Really, though, how hard is it? I, too, don’t have a maid, nanny or personal chef, and I can find the time to write them out. Do it while watching tv or before you go to bed.
And it sounds like from your OP, that you are specifically talking about your kids’ birthday parties. I’m of the opinion that it’s never too early to teach your kids to be gracious. Have them draw little pictures and send those off to the people with two lines from you saying “thanks for coming to the party and thanks for the tonka truck for Jimmy” - if they are too young to write. I get these from my two godchildren for their Xmas and birthday gifts and I can’t tell you how much it pleases me.
I find myself wondering… what day’s world involved stay at home moms with nannies and maids?
I’m picturing my great grandparents, with their 11 children and a washing day that started at dawn and ended well after the sun had set. Nannies and maids don’t work for the poor, and they were the poorest! Try doing your chores without washing machines, running hot water, gas, electricity, cars, telephones, and where you often have to skin or pluck your dinner before you chop the wood so you can cook it up for the family. They worked their butts off every waking moment - and they were the generation that did take the time to write thank you notes.
I guess you’re thinking of a different time to me.
So, what I’m reading is that the gift wasn’t given because you wanted to give the gift, but because you wanted credit for having given the gift? This isn’t the point of gift giving. Keep your gifts. Thank you is thank you no matter what form it comes in.
You mistake the entire purpose of thanks. Why bother saying “thank you” at all if all it is is giving them credit for having given you a gift? If I want “credit”, a thank-you note is the least obvious way to receive it. If I want credit, I want a sign placed on the gift that says “This was from Winnowill. Isn’t it great?” I want it shouted from the rooftops. A thank-you note is something that only the writer and I will ever see.
And there are varying degrees of thank you. Some actions don’t require much - a coworker loaning you a pen so you can jot down a quick note to the person in the next cubicle. But a casual “Thanks for the Waterford lamp” isn’t enough.
Who wants to be greeting with silence after going to some expense and effort, though? Really - do you want to spend an hour or more selecting a gift, spending the money, and taking the time to wrap and ship it, and then…nothing?
When get a gift I write a thank you because it shows that I appreciate the time and thought that went into buying said gift.
When I give a gift I want the receiver to enjoy/like what I’ve
given. I won’t hate the person if they don’t write a thank you. I won’t even stop getting them presents (unless I’ve sent them by mail- then I think a thank you is absolutely required, if for no other reason but to confirm the gift’s arrival).
But I will consider the receiver rude and inconsiderate. Do you want your friends and family to consider you as such?
Thank you notes are important, whether for birthdays, weddings, showers, etc. I’ll admit I don’t always write them when I should, but then I feel bad about it. I’m also bad about sending birthday cards, unless it’s immediate family.
I also try to write a little more than “Thank you for X” - if it’s money, what I plan to spend it on. Something for the house, where I plan to put it or do with it.
How old are your kids, miamouse? If they can write or type, they can write the thank you note. We found thank-you notes my brother & had written when in grade school in my grandmother’s house after she passed away – so it does mean something to the recipient! I liked ** Trishdish’s** idea of drawing a picture.
For me, the jury’s still out on no longer giving gifts to someone if they never respond with thank-yous. It would depend on the person & the relationship, I guess.
Politzana, My kids are 1, 2 and just turned 6. Yes, when they are older and know how to write, they will be made to write a little something on the big ocassions: First Communion, Graduations etc. I am very sure that anything sent to a grandparent is precious, that’s why my parents get drawings in their care packages all the time not just when they fork over some money for a gift.
I have a little half-brother 17 years younger than me, raised in a different household. I sent birthday and Christmas gifts every year, and never received a word back, or a phone call, or an email. Of course I’m not going to cut off my brother for this, but several years of unacknowledged gifts led me to believe they were truly unappreciated, and maybe unwanted or inappropriate. I switched to money instead; checks for a few years, but it got discouraging when he took months to cash them, so I switched to just sending cash. Now that he’s over 18, I’m done with the gifts.
I’ve never had any sort of relationship with him, and I can’t help thinking if his mom had forced him to write notes, some small correspondence might have developed. The thank-you note can be a pretext for just ordinary communication, which is far more meaningful than merely being thanked.
I also can’t say he was badly brought up in other regards; I have wondered if my stepmother forced him to thank others (she is that type) but allowed him to skip thanking me. This is probably paranoia, but guess what would have avoided it? A thank-you note, maybe every 5 years or so.
Mothers, you might be doing more than just saving time, if you allow your kids to skip writing the notes.
Now, now, play nice…