What are your opinions on thank you notes?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Personal opinion: They are stupid.

As receiver: I am under no assumption that the person was more thankful because I received a stupid canned thank you note. They only did it because they were forced to. I wished they didn’t waste their time and money sending me one.

As writer: I hate writing and am not good at it. I am actually thank for for the gift, but a note is a terrible way to express it. It makes the person who receives something endure pain in order to display gratitude. Its like they made you grovel at their feet and kiss their toes to show you how thankful you are.

Society’s opinion (especially older people): You must write them. It is not negotiable. Because Aunt Matilda gets upset if she doesn’t get one, that’s why.

22

One more thing to say. People who require thank you notes are probably nice people, somewhere, down deep.

I would like to think that they just don’t know how awful it is for some people to write them.

23

Uh-huh. By this reasoning, you also don’t mind if somebody who bumps into you or damages something of yours doesn’t say “Sorry” or “Excuse me”, because those are ritualized expressions of regret socially mandated when someone accidentally causes damage, a “rigid” “canned response” that doesn’t “convey any kind of meaning”.

Personally, I enjoy sending thank-you notes because I like expressing to people how much I appreciate that they did something nice for me. (I also enjoy saying “Sorry” or “Excuse me” if I accidentally damage someone or something; I don’t feel good about the fact that I damaged it/them, but I feel that I owe an apology and it feels good to pay what I owe.)

I really don’t understand the hypersensitive touchiness that some people seem to feel about the fact that this is a social custom that goes along with the social custom of giving gifts for certain occasions. Yes, you’re expected to express gratitude; so what? What kind of asshole gets upset about doing something nice just because there’s an expectation that they’re supposed to?

On the other hand, the people who throw shit fits about not being “properly” thanked for their gifts are also being assholes. Okay, if you don’t feel your generosity is being appreciated, you can certainly refrain from being so generous in the future. But don’t spoil your past generosity by criticizing the way it was received.

Yup. If people really would prefer not to deal with gifts and expressions of gratitude for them, rather than just throwing a sulk because they don’t like society telling them what to do when it comes to etiquette, I have no problem with that. If you don’t express thanks for other people’s generosity, they should figure out that it’s okay to stop being generous to you, rather than stewing in petty resentment over your lack of thanks.

24

Coupla corrections. Spoke w/ my wife. It was my son who said he’d rather never get a gift than write a thank you. My daughter said that she’d be fine never receiving a thank you note - she gets everything she needs from the giving.

A while back, a couple who came over for dinner later sent a nice note. We thought it very sweet. So we started doing it occasionally. I think such niceties - however ritualized - make life more pleasant.

25

Does anybody else see the irony in Hermitian writing how awful and painful he finds writing?

26

I could have sworn the protocol was to contact the recipient’s mother to shame her into shaming him to write the note, or write to Dear Abby about how this generation is so awful.

27

Fascinating. We’re coming at this from such different angles. So, yeah. If someone bumps into me or damages my stuff or hurts me or mine you have me pegged–I don’t want to hear about how sorry they are. Don’t be sorry, be careful. The fuller picture for when someone messes up me or my stuff is: 1) You did it on purpose, in which case don’t you dare try and play it off as an accident with, “Sorry!” or 2) it was an accident, in which case you owe me nothing in terms of emotional support. If you broke something and I need it fixed (my car, my house) then I would like you to pay for the repair, but that’s completely separate in my mind from any utterance.

As far as social customs go, I just don’t always find them constructive. They don’t necessarily make the world a better place. I don’t particularly like receiving gifts because too often they are a cheap substitute for what I really want, which is a part of your soul. Stuff I can get, and if I get it myself I have a better chance of actually liking it. But only you can give me a piece of your soul–a place in your heart that makes me feel like I am something useful and wanted. Some gifts can show thoughtfulness like that, usually they are unscheduled and, “Hey I was walking past a shop/garage sale/ditch the other day and saw this and thought you might really love it. So here.” Those I like. And the giver already knows I am thankful and do not need to cheapen the gift by involving it in some sterile ritual.

28

Not particularly, specially since he’s typing and the thread is about handwritten notes. Anybody who’s seen my regular handwriting and still expects me to provide handwritten anything is either an imbecile or a sadist.

29

Nope.

Well, on second thoughts, probably someone does but it ain’t me I’m just thinking “Hey, Hermitianwrote the thing I was going to write, so I guess I’d better think of something else contributary”

Here’s a simple way to think of it that may help you note-likers to get alongside us note-haters: as a gift giver, the chief thing I’m interested in is whether my gift was useful and appreciated. And receiving a thank-you note obviously gives me no information about whether the gift was useful and appreciated. How could it, when everybody knows that people who write thank-you notes do them for all the gifts, even the ones they don’t care about and are going to put in the donation pile as soon as they decently can?

As a writer … well, whether it’s actively painful or just tedious really depends on how much social/psychological power the recipient has over me. If the answer is “not much” then it’s just a mildly tedious exercise that will always *feel *pointless because I don’t have the capacity for being made happy by receiving a thank-you note, so I can’t understand that emotion from the inside. If the answer is “lots” then it’s really excruciating, because all my emotional associations are with childhood, and powerlessness and it becomes more than just not having the option to skip out on just this one task … it brings in emotions about being *generally *powerless in all sorts of areas of life

And I will, by the way, write the damned things if I’m aware that the recipient is the sort of person that would (for bizarre, unknown reasons) like that kind of thing - because I’m aware that other people in the world are Not Me, and may have different preferences. But that cuts both ways. If a person explicitly says “my preference is no gifts so that I never need to send a thank-you note” it seems to me there are two possible relationship-keeping alternatives:

*Say “Ok, lets do it your way”, not give them gifts, behave otherwise in exactly the same way you always have, no hard feelings

*Say “You know, the whole gift/thankyou thing is really really important to me. It fills a deep-seated emotional need. So could we keep doing it all the same, as a favour to me?” They might say no, but you’ve been honest about your feelings, and about who the actual benefits are flowing to in the whole interaction.

Not on the above list is “scoff at their expressed preference, and disbelieve that it’s a real preference that a person could possibly have” (not in any way directed at any of the previous few thread respondents, by the way)

30

My mother taught me before text messages were a thing. To this day. I still send thank-you notes, and I expect them.

A couple of years ago, I attended the wedding of a couple of good friends, I gave a nice card, with my best wishes, and a couple of hundred bucks inside. I got a very nice handwritten thank-you card from the bride (and signed by the groom also), thanking me for the gift. That meant a lot.

I think the world of this couple, and consider them my friends. The fact that they took the time to acknowledge my gift, and thank me for it in writing, means a lot. If they had not–well, I’d still love them to bits (they are my friends), but the fact that they thanked me in writing, makes me love them just a little bit more.

31

I assumed that what he found excruciating was writing in the sense of “expressing oneself in words,” not writing in the sense of “handwriting”; but perhaps I was mistaken.

Another thing you might care about is whether the gift was received at all.

And, while not everybody cares about this, many people want to be sure the recipient knows that the gift was from them, so they can be properly “credited” for it (in an “I’ve fulfilled my social obligation” sort of way).

You’re correct that the mere fact of getting a thank-you note doesn’t tell you whether your gift was actually useful and appreciated (although the fact that they went to the time and trouble to write the thank-you arguably tells you that they appreciate that you went to the trouble and expense of getting the gift).

But if they did find the gift useful, they can write something that tells you so (although they could be lying about it). Something like:

Thank you so much for the beautiful crystal punch bowl. We use it every day. Fido loves it because it doesn’t slide around as much as his old dish did.

32

If someone thinks enough of you to take the time and expense to purchase a gift and present it to you, the very least you can do is thank them for it. This is not some quaint, old-fashioned, outmoded custom, it’s common decency.

Thank-you notes must always be sent for every gift unless the gift is given in person and profuse thanks expressed at that time. Even then you can’t go wrong by sending a note afterwards. Nowadays thank-you notes can be sent in nearly any form, as long as its written. (Leaving a voicemail is not a thank-you note.) I think texting a thank-you note is a little cheesy but probably a lot of people are OK with it.

More like one week. You can get away with waiting two-three weeks to thank people for for wedding gifts; everyone understands that you are on a honeymoon.

With that attitude, he will likely get his wish.

33

This is perfect way of putting it. The thank you note transfers no information to the giver except that the gift was received.

Both actually.

Sorry, couldn’t get back on until now. Two points:

  1. Typing is about 50 times easier than handwriting. I will probably have to write at least two cards for each one mailed because the sentence I wrote sounds stupid or just copious handwriting mistakes.

  2. I had something to type about. The problem with thank you notes is the requirement to personalize them. For about 1/4 to 1/2 of the notes it is moderately easy. I could even go so far as to say that I want to write one to show appreciation. But for at least 1/2 of the gifts you have nothing to say. Two situations are dominant:
    a. They gave you a simple thing you sorta wanted (e.g. towels). You write "Thank you for the towels…[del]I will remember you fondly as I dry off my naked body every day.[/del] What else is there to say? Especially if you don’t know them that well. This is where a simple “Thank you” in person would be be sufficient, but now that it is writing you have to put more! So now you have to make up some BS to fill up the rest of the card.
    b. They gave you something you didn’t really want (e.g. crystal bowl). "Thank you for the crystal bowl (already a lie). [del]I will put it in the garage and keep spare nuts and bolts in it. [/del]. Insert more lies and BS here.

By the time I am finished, surrounded by envelopes with incorrect addresses and discarded cards, all gratitude is gone. Nothing has replaced it. Just a cold dark emptiness.

And by the time they receive it, they would have probably already forgotten they gave me anything and throw it away immediately. That’s what I do when I receive one.

Alright, alright. I admit there is some segment of the population that actually wants to get a card. The problem (as someone mentioned up above) is that you don’t get to just send cards to them. You have to send them to everyone.

34

Yea, I realize I probably sound like an ungrateful ass in this thread, but one more point.

The whole system is kinda dumb. They are forced (by society’s rules) to give me something, half of which the items I probably didn’t want, then I am forced (by society’s rules) to write them a thank you note that they weren’t really looking for. Why are we doing this?

In my perfect world, only the closest people to the gift recipient should give gifts. They should be substantially helpful and useful to the recipient (probably given in person, so the person can show appreciation.) And of the rest of the world should just be able to celebrate a happy day with the couple. Simple! Easy! Non-consumerist!

35

Just got back from a 2 hr bike ride w/ my sister. We talked about a nephew’s wedding we attended last weekend, and I brought this up. She said she had not yet received a thank you card from my son for either the wedding gift - OR the shower gift she sent - which would’ve been at least a couple of weeks before the thanksgiving weekend nuptials.

In the meantime, we have already received a written thank you from her daughter, whose wedding we attended over Memorial Day weekend, and a thank you from another niece for a shower gift given a week or 2 ago. We did not attend the shower, but my sister said at the shower attendees were asked to address the envelopes. Which she thought was odd. She brought our card/check, and forgot to address an envelope for us, but we received a prompt thank you nevertheless.

(In addition to my son’s wedding last Nov, 4 other nieces and nephews are getting married between Memorial and Labor Days. :eek:)

I said 6 months above, because ISTR Ms. Manners or someone said that was the allowable etiquette. But it strikes me as on the long side.

36

I gave them out for our wedding to those that gave gifts.

I think it’s a tradition that could end and I’d be fine with it. I certainly don’t get miffed if I don’t get one. I don’t give gifts expecting anything in return. A verbal thank you is more than sufficient.

37

That’s the thing I do not get. Why would someone have to send a card (handwritten none the less!) after showing gratitude in person? Does the card need to be in triplicate, with a Nihil Obstat from Miss Manners?

38

The OP made this thread primarily about written thank you notes, but it also talks about other kinds of thank-yous.

And so some of the ensuing discussion has been about formal, written thank-you notes vs. more informal thanks, and some of it has been about thanking people for gifts vs. no acknowledgment at all.

39

Ah, I think I see a part of the problem here that you may not be aware of. And it’s probably a consequence of schools and families no longer teaching basic letter-writing skills.

Namely, it is not mandatory to make a thank-you note entirely about the gift or confined to a rote formula for expressing thanks. You can perfectly well write something like “It was terrific to see you at the wedding/party, I was really interested in what you said about that new game Splorg, let’s get back to that conversation soon. And thank you so much for the towels, they are great: I regret to say that their first use was as emergency mops when our stupid hotwater heater sprang a leak last week, but they were a lifesaver and washed up like new!”

There is no need to wallow in the notion of thank-you notes being an excruciating soul-destroying exercise in unimaginative mechanically formulated hypocrisy. You really are allowed to use them as an opportunity to say something conversationally interesting that the recipient will enjoy reading, and that will let that “piece of your soul” that you claim is so important to you in personal relationships shine through.

40

At every wedding I have attended, gifts are either sent to the couple’s home, or are placed on a table at the reception. I’m not sure where in that process a verbal thank you has been expressed.

I think it good manners for the couple to visit the tables and thank people for coming, although that does not occur at all weddings. But in my mind, at that point they do not yet know what - or if - a guest has given them.

I also talked about the possibility of expressing thanks in a phone call, e-mail, or even a text. Neither I, nor anyone else as far as I can tell, urged some extreme process of dipping a quill into ink by candlelight, then hand delivering a notarized note.

But feel free to distort and exaggerate the discussion if that serves your purposes.