The basic etiquette rule is that gifts given (and thanked for) in individual personal interactions don’t require a thank-you note. Wedding presents that are traditionally sent or dropped off in a pile, on the other hand, rate a written thank-you note. So do birthday/holiday presents sent by mail, and wedding or shower presents that are opened in a group ritual, whether the recipient is present or not.
Erratum: it was Inigo Montoya who made the “piece of your soul” argument against the practice of writing thank-you notes, not Hermitian.
I forgot to mention another of the Rules - the first two words of the note should not be “Thank you…” Fortunately, this is easily bypassed with a simple circumlocution. Also, the problem of the unwanted gift is covered by the social skill of hypocrisy. As in -
Dear Uncle Throbsbottom -
Biffy and I wanted to express our appreciation for your kind gift of monogrammed toilet paper. We think of you every time we use it.
Thank you for sharing our happiness on our special day.
Regards,
Shodan
It is clear that we run in different circles and have different expectations of ourselves and of those with whom we interact. There is a magical sort of beauty in a universe which appears designed to prevent our ever having to run afoul of each other in real life on the niceties surrounding gifts and ritualized gratitude.
I couldn’t find it in your size, so I got you a gift certificate to Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Then there would be nothing that separates us from the animals!
Regards,
Shodan
I expect to be thanked when I give a gift- just like I expect to be thanked when I do someone a favor. The form of the thanks is another story - if I am present when the gift is opened, a verbal thanks is sufficient even if it was a shower gift. If I’m not present when it’s opened, a phone call is always fine ( but may be the most time consuming method of thanking me) and texts are OK for birthday/Christmas/you moved out of your parents’ house gifts. Weddings however, I think need a written thank you- although that’s probably colored by the practice in my area of sending a photo/thank you card*.
I really am wondering about feeling that thanking people, even by a written note is such a horrible imposition that a person would rather not receive gifts. I mean, I’m assuming the gifts in question were probably not $10 gifts, so even from a mercenary point of view spending five minutes writing “Wife and I were so happy you could share our special day” and then something about the gift** is worthwhile.
- which has been common in my area since before I was born - now they are post cards or folded cards with the photo printed right on them , but they used to be folded cards with a place to hold a wallet-sized photo
** Your generous gift will help us gather a down payment/ The mixer will make baking so much easier/The frame will look great over our fireplace or something similar
For weddings and other big life events where gifts are given, I send thank you cards. Not emails, but hand written notes on nice card paper. It wouldn’t have sat well with me if I hadn’t done that after my wedding, because this practice was drummed into my head as a kid.
But when I give gifts, I don’t expect a thank you card. If I get one, it makes me smile, but it doesn’t cause any bad feelings if one never shows up.
As a receiver I use this rule of thumb. I do believe that letter, email, phone call or, in some cases, IM are all valid ways to communicate gratitude. I depends somewhat in the formality of the occasion and my relationship with the giver.
As a giver, I would like to receive an acknowledgement of the gift but don’t get overly concerned if none is forthcoming. The method of communication make no difference to me. If Harry and Meagan want to thank me via text for the 2nd century, solid gold statuette I gave them for their wedding, that’s cool! 
I have given a great many gifts in my life, hundreds, in fact. I have interviewed at least a hundred potential employees. I have bridesmaided in at least eight weddings, and assisted in at least fifteen (including cooking for several.) I’ve helped at least thirty friends move, and done a whole heckuva lot of other nice stuff for people.
I’ve received a total of about five thank you notes, one of which was an e-mail. One meant so much to me that it is still framed in my bedroom. The others were lovely, and I’m glad I received them, but I have never given a thought to any that might be “missing.”
I have to say I’m flabbergasted as to how many ungrateful people there are out there. I know we’ve been to a few weddings (usually children of coworkers) and on a few occasions money for a “money tree” was requested as opposed to something more traditional. I do recall on a few occasions getting no acknowledgement whatsoever. And yes, it reflects poorly on the parents even though quite likely the children were raised to know better. Incredibly boorish attitudes out there, imho.
Then you are a saint, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be sending them.
On behalf of Dinsdale who is occupied with other matters at the moment, I’d like to thank everyone who has participated in this thread. I tried sending messages to each of you individually, but some of you do not accept PMs. Your input has been appreciated!
Hey, I didn’t get one! And I am :mad::mad::mad:!!
Your parents should have raised you better.
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I expect a thank you note, an email or some acknowledgement. But it’s more for practical purposes: if I sent the gift (which is typical since we have a lot of family living thousands of miles away from us), I want to know that they received it. A thank you message of some sort is a good way of saying, “Hey, I got your gift.”
I also make my kids write thank you notes pretty religiously after birthdays & Christmas. It’s old fashioned, but my daughter especially doesn’t have an email account she uses or a phone (she’s 9) and my son doesn’t typically remember niceties like that. I get that such things aren’t strictly necessary, but if someone went to the trouble of getting them a gift, I’d like my kids to at a minimum go to the trouble to notice it. They can’t go taking other people for granted, and thank yous are a good way of making sure other people know you appreciate what they’ve done.
Hey! What took you so long, jerk? 
My son and his wife responded to all gift-givers, so that wasn’t a problem. I think what I’d do in that situation is reply, “I really don’t know, here’s their contact information.”
As for me, I respond to any gifts either verbally in person, by email, or by a hand-written note, if the gift was a $5 bill from my grandmother.
I worked to earn the money to buy either a gift that’s registered for or the money that stands behind a gift check. To my mind, a Thank You is meant to acknowledge the other person’s effort that eventually turned into the thing that benefits someone else. Would I enjoy or expect a Thank You of some kind? Sure. But I’m no longer surprised by the lack of them, when people are less physically connected to each other than ever before. If they saw me working to earn the money they might be more likely to thank me (I hope).
My own friends and a couple of my former in-laws neglected to thank my mom in any way for quilts she made for them; I finally sent her a Thank You myself to acknowledge the work she’d done and the sentiment of thinking of other people’s babies.
At the same time, she and I both enjoyed the giving of those gifts and knowing the recipients enjoyed them. I think those feelings can co-exist.
But to have the attitude that you’d rather be ignored than be expected to acknowledge someone considering you is bizarre to me. Did the son and his fiancee register for gifts?
Oh, I should point out my folks didn’t have us write Thank Yous but we’d thank the giver either right then in person or when we talked to them on the phone next. I had to figure out Thank you notes on my own.
I write thank you notes, but I don’t expect to receive them. I don’t write them for Christmas gifts. I did one year and my mother told me not to do it. She said thank you notes are encouraged at all other times but not appropriate for Christmas. I’m not sure why. I haven’t heard that anywhere else.
At every wedding I’ve attended, including the one in the US, the couple knew what gifts they’d received from whom by the time the food was served; I was particularly impressed by the Cuban-American bride gushing about my specific gift (a rotating spices holder, USD25.00). Most gifts in that particular wedding would not have fitted on any kind of table, since some of them were things such as “a piece of bed”. Given how long ago that was, I don’t think “wedding registries” are exactly unheard of in the US all of a sudden. And by the time of the post you quoted, the Americans in this thread had been talking about the notes as if they were an “all or nothing” thing, without an exclusing for when you’ve already thanked people in person.
You know, this is one of those things where “every wedding I’ve attended” is kind of useless. Every wedding Dinsdale has attended the gifts are sent to someone’s home and or placed on a table at the wedding. Every wedding you’ve attended, the couple knew what gifts they received by the time the food was served. And at every wedding I’ve been to, there were few or no actual, wrapped gifts given. I had two wedding receptions with 200 people at each*. One wrapped gift. The rest were envelopes which were not opened at the wedding. Everyone has their own experiences and traditions and customs and customs about wedding gifts - and none of mine mix well with thanking in person**. Therefore , I don’t think of 'thanking in person" when I’m thinking of wedding gifts.
- Most husband and I come from two different backgrounds, which have different very different customs and and cuisine- but they have a few things in common. Large families and checks for wedding gifts are two of them. A third is the use of photo thank you cards mentioned I in a previous post- pointless to send cards only to those who did not get thanked in person . Takes too much mental energy and it will start a war that will last at least 2 generations.
** 1) Someone sends a card/gift before the wedding. In most cases ( in my experience), that means the person is not attending. No opportunity to thank in person.
2) Someone brings a card/gift to the wedding. The one wrapped gift I received, I didn’t even know about till the end of the party. And cards are not opened at the party, so if the card is handed directly to the couple there’s a generic thanks at that point. But the card are not always handed to the couple- they are often placed in a box which means no opportunity to know who gave a gift until after the party.
3) Someone sends a card/gift after the wedding, again no chance for in person thanks.