If that’s semi-long, I don’t want to see short.
I don’t think you even could see short.
augh! Damn post didn’t go through! sonofabitch.
Stay tuned. I’ll try to rewrite it.
Max
Here’s the deal. I invited a good friend of mine to be an usher for my wedding. He agreed, and over the months before the wedding, he asked me what I would or wouldn’t like for a gift. He mentioned a gas grill, seemed to settle on that, and fine with me. Wedding comes and goes, and no gift from Mr. Friend, no card from Mr. Friend. No big deal, but I wanted him to know that we hadn’t received anything from him.
After the honeymoon, I called him up. I mentioned that we were missing a couple of cards, and wanted to make sure we thanked those folks that gave cards, but had not made it to the Bride and Groom. No problem, says Mr. Friend. He hasn’t mailed the card up yet. In fact, it’s sitting right here next to the phone. He says that we should get together in the fall and have a cookout/party and watch some football games, and cook up some food on the grill. (sounds fine to me.) He also has a history with doing things on his own schedule, so the fact that he hadn’t sent the card was no surprise.
Forward three months and I have one more thank you note to send out. You guessed it… Mr. Friend. I decide to write a note that 1) thanked him for being a part of our special day. 2) and not mention anything about the gift. I thought this was the best way to let him know how much I appreciated his attendance, however not thank him for a gift that was never received.
This brilliant move was either going to jiggle his brain and say “Oh yeah! I need to send him that card.”, or "What? Max didn’t get my gift? I’ll give him a call. Neither one of these worked out. Instead we went to option 3) which is, no acknowledgement of the thank you note, gift, or anything else. We’ve spoken a few times since, but it has been very strained. I get the sense that he doesn’t think he was thanked appropriately, while I think maybe I should say something, and then never do. It’s not about the gift. I don’t want or need a gift at this point. What I DO want is my friend back.
So what would Miss Manners do? And if she isn’t part of this board, what would the dopers do? I believe by telling him I never received it (and don’t WANT it) and just telling him, would make him understand why he never got a thank you note. Perhaps that would clear the air and we could move on. However, my wife says that I should let it go and not say anything, since it makes me sound like I’m calling him a year after my wedding and asking for a present.
Is there a better way to address this problem without further damage to my friendship?
Thanks,
Max
P.S. You can thank my first posting to the speedy Straight Dope board.
FWIW, Miss Manners sez you have 1 year from the date of the wedding to send a gift to the couple. Yes, really: a year. So I think your friend is not really out of bounds yet, at least by the official rules.
You didn’t say (or perhaps I missed a subtlety) how the relationship has seemed ‘strained’ – does he seem upset with you? Or is it all on your end towards him?
How about another possibility? 1. He just basically forgot to give a gift (it happens), and 2. many people don’t keep tabs on if they got a thank you note (I know I’d never miss one, given all the weddings I’ve been to some years), so he’s not upset and may never have noticed. And maybe all the fuss is on your end and he’s fine with things…? (Which doesn’t make his not giving that gift OK, of course…)
squeegee
For the record, it has been over a year. You may be right in that he may not think this is a problem at all, and I have read too much into our conversations. Why I think that things are strained is because our conversations aren’t as easy as they once were. However I do concede that it could be entirely my imagination.
I am not upset with him at all. For some reason though, I feel like I need to explain to him why I never acknowledged a gift with a thank you note… a gift he may very well have forgotten to give.
Well, two approaches come to mind:
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If you think he’s not miffed at you and it’s all on your end, forget it. You’re still friends if you can deal with his forgetting to give a gift. And there may be other reasons that your buddy is more distant now: when folks get married (or have kids, for that matter), many friendships have to adapt, which isn’t easy on everyone.
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If you do think he is upset with you, or if this is really eating at you and you can’t forget it, be forthright and discuss it. Emphasize that you’re not pissed at him over the gift and don’t want or expect and apology, but that you want to make sure that this isn’t an issue and it hasn’t come between you.
What you need here is a mutual friend or family member–somebody you can go to and say basically what you said here–that you are concerned that your friend is miffed because you sent no thank you note, and that you want to make sure that he didn’t send you something that got lost in the mail. Then let that third party do the investigative work. If you do not have a mutual friend or family member, the situation is very murky: perhaps your wife could bring the issue up to his wife (if he has one)? Sometimes it’s easier for the new person in a group of friends to be blunt about worrying over ettiquite, because they are quite openly trying to make a good impression. But that really depends on the sort of person your wife is–I know I could do it, but I know my husband couldn’t, just becauwe we have different social styles.
No need to make this harder then it has to be- he WANTED to get you a nice gift, for whatever reason (finances? embarassment?) he did not get you a gift. You sent a thank you for being part of the wedding and didn’t mention it (good job). You don’t care about the gift. He may or may not feel uncomfortable about not giving a gift- that’s for him to work out for himself.
Resume the friendship, go out for some beers, and if it comes up, let him know that the best part of your wedding day was having him there and you wouldn’t trade that for anything. It’s not about the gift for you, and if he’s feeling guilty about it, I’m sure he’ll get over it, realizing you’re not sitting around waiting on him to make good on his gift talk.
You don’t owe him any sort of explaination for not sending a gift thank you- he didn’t get you a gift, why on earth would you send a thank you?
If this turns into one of those “elephant in the middle of the room” deals, just say to him: “I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but it seems like we don’t talk as easily as we used to. Is there something bothering you that you want to talk to me about?” Open up the chance to talk, but don’t force it.
Zette