Follow Jim Carrey’s diet plan and lose more than 70 lbs. in four days!
All it takes is a hearty addiction to crystal methamphetamines!
You can quit at any time, and the fat practically melts off!
One word: parasites.
Bette Midler was on Rosie yesterday, and she looked thinner than I’ve ever seen her. She even said her family thought she was too thin. How did she do it? Bad sushi, which left her with parasites and no appetite for a month. Brilliant!
Drink lots of water
Take vitamins everyday
Eat a handful of cereal for breakfast.
Nothing for lunch.
Maybe some pasta and/or vegetables for dinner.
The more water you drink before meals, the more your stomach will feel full so you will eat less.
Exercise is nothing extreme. Maybe exercise for 2 hrs a day everyday, when you get the time.
It’s worked for me, maybe it will work for you.
Try out for the next Survivor. That’s the best diet I’ve ever seen.
Well, we humans have something like seven layers of skin. I got good money says we only need three, tops.
So what you have to do is shave off four layers of skin (three, to be extra-safe).
Why, I bet all that useless baggage weighs 10 pounds!
Just be careful with that razor.
The quickest sure-fire way to lose 10 or 15 pounds, and keep it off, is to cut off one of your legs.
Decapitation also works, but it has a few unpleasant side-effects.
Eve, it’s possible to lose weight while eating all you want. The mistake most people make is taking too narrow a view on their eating choices. If you just eliminate food from your diet and substitute low calorie replacements like wood chips or gravel, you’ll find the pounds just melt away.
Well, you’ve already made a pretty good start at the starving artist approach to weight-loss – you’ve got an editing job that apparently pays only a pittance and you write critically acclaimed erudite books in a niche market instead of John Grisham-style potboilers. Pretty much all you need is an unheated garret. Consumption is optional.
The really brilliant part of this particular diet is that after you waste away to nothing, the world will realize too late your misunderstood genius and your books will sell like hotcakes.
As they say, you can’t be too rich or too thin…
I lost 30lbs when I had Hep A…
How about a two-pronged solution? You go down to the Bowery to buy smack, and get in a fight while there! Anyone seen the footage of John Fruchante of the Chili Peppers like a month before he quit? He was like 115 lbs or something. Svelt! If you do decide to go with the crystal meth route, could you swing by the Swiddle Pad? My apartment is a mess, and I just don’t have the energy to clean it.
Hey, slow down, everyone—so many great suggestions, I have to take notes!
Gravel . . . smack . . . parasites . . . shave off skin (great for the complexion, too!) . . .
By the way, those of you who suggest I cut off a leg have obviously never been treated to a sight of my getaway sticks. Would you ask Dietrich or Betty Grable to commit such blasphemy?!
Here’s an idea on how you can enjoy the taste of all your favorite foods but still manage to shed those unwanted pounds: Chew, but don’t swallow.
Of course, you’ll have to carry around a bucket to spit all that masticated food into, but perhaps you can just declare it to be a new, super-fashionable accessory (provided, of course, that you can find shoes to match).
As an alternative have your stomach stapled shut. A very, ahh, ummm, rotund, co-worker of mine did this and lost nearly 250 pounds (this woman was a behemoth). Now her stomach holds about 2 ounces of food at a time, she had to have surgery to remove all the excess skin, and she looks like a cadaver, but she looks live a very svelte cadaver.
Eve, despite the overthetopitude of most of the posters thusfar, I think that there is an essential truth to many of the more extreme suggestions.
I have found that, despite the sensible advice of doctors and such, unless you’ve got at least a year or more to give to this endeavor (which, it seems, you don’t) you must make serious, often drastic, changes to your lifestyle to make a real dent in your weight. I didn’t say dangerous or unhealthy (in fact, quite the contrary) – only extreme.
How many people say, “Oh I park my car at the end of the lot every day – just like they told me – and I haven’t lost any weight!”? No sh*t! Walking 100 extra paces is not excercise. If you want to lose weight, you’ve got to ** really excercise** – and really mean it. That means breaking a real sweat, with heart pounding, lungs burning and muscles twitching. And not once every two weeks, with a banana split reward.
Same for eating habits. This summer I’ve lost about 15-20 lbs. In addition to taking my excercise seriously, I’ve gone cold turkey with the crap food. Now I eat lots, lots of fruits and veggies. And no gratuitous sweets. I did not pass up on one dessert and expect to see results; I passed up on dozens of desserts.
The best thing about the excercise + eat less one-two punch is that after you get through an excruciating (sp?) first few weeks, it actually gets easier, not harder to stay with it.
It can be done, but it takes the right mindset, the willingness to be a little extreme, and the gumption (…I know you’ll like that word…) to stick with it longer than just a few days. Good luck.
I like the chew-‘n’-spit method; I could pretend to be a wine-taster.
I can’t afford a tummy-stapling operation; could I just swallow my stapler here at work and when it gets to the right place, have a co-worker jump on my midsection?
Oh, Stuy, you’re so sensible and intelligent and have such good and useful advice. I can always count on you to talk sense into me.
. . . Hmmm . . . Chemically induced coma—now that’s a thought . . .
At the very least, you’d have new material to add to this
thread: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=41376
The answer to your dilemma came to me in a flash of what can only be called genius - You aren’t too fat, you’re too short. Instead of shedding pounds, you need to gain inches.
Surely in a cosmopolitan place like NYC there is some deviant S&M-type that has a rack. Just get this wonderful, charming person to stretch you out about another foot or so. There, you’ve made a new friend and gained that long, lean look that’s every designer’s ideal.
Finagle—HAhahahaha!
Plnner—I like the way you think! When Geena Davis and Christine Baranski have to have garage sales when their shows tank, I’ll buy THEIR racks! They’re both 6’5" and seem to weigh about 100 pounds . . .
Dunno, Eve. Tho Geena likes to flach it, I don’t think much of her rack.
But this entire thread is beginning to trouble me, my little glow worm. Why would any of us want 10-15 pounds less of you to adore?
We know youse gots da mug. Now you confirm da gams. Here. Have another slice of pie. A la mode?
Oops! That “s” key isn’t even all that close to the “c”.