"Diet, Diet, My Dahling!"

OK, I want you all to help me lose ten pounds. Fifteen would be nice, but I will settle for ten.

I don’t want to hear any of that “eat less and exercise more” nonsense, either—I am already DOING that, but my metabolism has decided that THIS is the weight I am going to be. Till the odometer turns over again, and I gain ANOTHER ten pounds.

So I want your most imaginative weight-loss schemes. Remember, I don’t give a good goddam about my health, so don’t be timid! Shall I go the Courtney Cox route and look at David Arquette naked every night? Try at-home lipo with a Crazy Straw and a Hoover? Give the cats my food and eat theirs? Or just strap a cat to each ankle before going for walks?

C’mon, folks, I need ideas!

On the serious side:
One co-worker cut out 95% of his carbohydrate intake (excluding light beer). He’s lost a good 15% of his body fat.

Another guy went on an all liquid diet for three weeks. Worked for him and it seems to have stayed off.

On the not so serious side:

Do it yourself surgury. You’ve got kitchen knives and the whip cream nitrous oxide makes for a good relaxant.

You have no idea how many calories you can burn just by typing stupid stuff onto an web site’s message board. My suggestion: post more.

“Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off! Good day to you, madam.”

…eat less and exercise.

Unfortunately, it’s the only way. It takes time, but that time is the same thing that’s going to make it less likely for you to gain the weight back.

I have been using the Weight Watchers 1-2-3 Success program since July, with the exception of one week last month when I fell off the wagon. I have lost 25 pounds. I have a lot further to go (it’s going to take me over a year to reach my goal), but the fact I’ve achieved so much already helps. I do not go to the meetings; I tend to be competitive and don’t like comparing myself to others. However, I do the counting points thing, have five servings of fruits and vegetables, two servings of calcium, six glasses of water, and at least 20 (more like 30 or 40) minutes of exercise a day. My appetite is down, way down, and I get filled up much faster than I used to.

Good luck. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself, and you have so many books and websites and products out there telling you you can lose 30 pounds in 30 days by living on seaweed or eating nothing but steak. Can’t be done. It takes discipline and sacrifice. For me, it’s always required three things at once: eating less, exercising more, and drinking water. You can do it.

Have oral surgery. I couldn’t eat solid foods for over a week, and lost a good 5-7 lbs. Of course, once my jaw worked again, I apprechiated the act of eating even more and now poke my belly and shake my head in disbelief.

OK, we’re off to a good start!

Ender—hand over that quarter and I will head downtown in search of rats!

Pal—I don’t eat three servings of ANYTHING per day! And if I drank that much water, I’d have to have my computer re-wired to the ladies room. . . . But I will try to eat even less. I didn’t need that cup of chopped carrots for lunch . . . I will think about Jerry Lewis. Naked. Jumping up and down.

Swimming—maybe I can just head for the Bowery and get into a barfight? That would pretty much be the same thing as “dental surgery.”

My current method of weight loss centers around living in a dorm that’s a walk from campus and subsisting on college food. (Walk into dining hall…look at food… get salad.)

I’ve lost about 7 pounds since the middle of september… but college is thirty three five a year, so it’s not an economical weight loss plan.

I think the only reasonable course of action is for you to fly me out to NY to be your houseman/cook/plaything. The way I cook, you’d eagerly refuse meals, and I’d, um, be glad to do my best to help you build up a sweat, my dear.

Eve, have you considered becoming a drug addict? I suggest heroin or crack.

I read this in an interview with Christian Bale, talking about how skinny he got for the movie Velvet Goldmine. He tried to lose weight the traditional way - vegetables & exercise, but it wasn’t working. His mom suggested that he go the 70’s rock-star way: caffiene, cigarettes, booze, and nothing else. Of course he looked gross and disgusting, but skinny!

Keep in mind the following is not the healthiest plan:

I took those “all natural” diet pills (not Metabolife, but something like it without the cafeine). I took two when I got up in the morning and drank a 16 oz bottle of spring water while getting ready for work.

I take the stairs at work instead of using the elevator.

Mid-morning snack was an all natural grain/fruit bar and water and fruit.

Late lunch was fat free cottage cheese and sugar free black cherry jello (covers the taste of the cottage cheese) and - don’t laugh - an Ensure drink and fruit. (No fruit after 4:00 p.m. though because of the sugar).

Dinner was rice or steamed vegetables and a skinless, boneless chicken breast or low fat (Maverick) ground beef burger with tomato slices (no bread).

1/2 hour of crunches, leg lifts and hand weights, an occassional 3 mile walk and/or going to the driving range for an hour to hit golf balls.

Ta Da - I lost 15 lbs in 2 months and have maintained my weight loss for over 7 months now.

Uh…what else do you need? Isn’t that a balanced diet? I could’ve sworn I had that Vice Pyramid around here somewhere…

Sorry to post twice, but we’re talking about Eve here. It’s not like she’s having a box of Dove Bars for dinner. Diet and exercise ain’t gonna do it.

Eve, I suggest you saw off your left leg. That should save you at least ten pounds. And, be truthful: When was the last time your left leg did anything for you? Besides, I hear they’re doing wonderful things with prostheses these days.

This happened to a friend of mine. It could work for you:

Eat something sort of “sharp” like doritos, and don’t chew them up enough. If you do this enough, you could get an abrasion where your stomach meets your intestine. It could get infected, and then you would get to have emergency surgery to remove two feet of intestine. Spent 3 days in ICU, then another 7 in a “regular” hospital room. You’ll have to re-train your digestive system to digest normal food, which will take two years. In the mean time, you can only eat very small portions - if you eat too much, you’ll just hurl it back up. And you have to start with things like baby food. You have to avoid all sugar because it absorbs incredibally fast and you get the shakes, break out in a sweat, and generally feel like crap. My friend dropped 100 lbs since the beginning of the year.

Or you could just cut out starchy stuff.

Necros - would she have to change her name to Eileen?

Manny years ago, the summer before my wedding, I did the Slim Fast thing. Now, mind you, this was in the days when Slim Fast was being sold out of the trunks of people’s cars. None of this “Shake for breakfast, shake for lunch and then a sensible dinner” stuff–no, you were supposed to eat nothing but Slim Fast for something like two weeks. Well, glory be, the weight just fell away. Okay, so I’d have to sit down until the world stopped spinning every once in a while, and I developed the unfortunate habit of gnawing on the edge of my desk occasionally, but I looked great.

Then, about a week and a half into it my parents brought some KFC home for dinner. I took one look at it and burst into tears. That was my last diet for a long time.

How about a juice fast? Consume nothing but low-sodium V-8 for a week. Keep your physical activity to an absolute minimum. This included moving a blue pencil over a galley sheet. If anyone at work asks you just how long you plan on taking with that goddamn copyediting, just look at them with poodle eyes and say “Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…”

I read how the Masai don’t eat every day. So I didn’t eat on any day with a “T:” Tue, Thu & Sat. I didn’t get light headed or anything, I simply lost the habit of munching. After a few days my body stopped expecting to be fed everyday. I know fasting is supposed to trigger food to be converted into fat for storage, but after a week or so my system recognized that it would be fed on a regular basis and didn’t hoard nutrition as fat. Instead it drew upon the surplus and in a month or so I lost 15 pounds. Then, as Spring approached I started biking to work instead of driving and gradually allowed myself more calories, but still stayed on a “just friends, not lovers” relationship with food.

Every step was rewarded with a “Suprise - you just showed yourself what a wimp you used to be” self-revelation. I didn’t need a car to get home after all, I didn’t need to eat every day, and now that it’s getting colder, I’m pretty sure I can cope with biking through a typical Puget Sound snowless winter.

There is truth in the ingredients of a good life being hardship and simplicity, not too much so, but more than you might initially desire.

Good one Dinsdale!

Aw, I KNEW I could count on you guys—thank goodness for the Information Superhighway!!

Dinsdale—darling, you’re on. But remember, ladies don’t sweat. Ladies “glow.”

Magdalene—heroin! Why didn’t I think of that? Look how chic and thin Edie Sedgwick and Grace Slick always looked! Now, where can I get some? Food Emporium? I’ll check after work in their Pharmacy section.

Necros—Caffiene, cigarettes and booze; the three basic food groups! Plus, I’m allergic to alcohol, so the throwing up will be an added weight-loss bonus.

Porc—the “sharp object” idea is fiendishly clever. I think I will down some paper clips here at my desk. I have some pretty little colored ones that could pass for M&Ms.

Cher—doesn’t Slim•Fast go through you like (pardon me) “shot through a goose?” That could work, too . . .

Gosh, what a plethora of great diet tips! We MUST all go on “The View” with these.

Goodness, what a busy five minutes THAT was!

"If anyone at work asks you just how long you plan on taking with that goddamn copyediting, just look at them with poodle eyes and say “Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…”

—Ike, darling, you know perfectly well that’s how I copyedit NOW.

Tove—You know, I really think I will TRY that. How about just eating every other day? I walk two miles a day as it is.

I’ve blotted the actual experience from my memory (or maybe those brain cells were just starved to death), but given that the stuff is basically chocolate-flavored Metamucil, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I once at whatever I wanted for the best part of a year and then lost 10 pounds in just a few hours.

I still have to carry it around, though, and occasionally change its diapers.