I’m having a bunch of blood tests done tomorrow and my doctor is going to talk to me like a Dutch Uncle when the results come in and the upshot is I really have to start eating nothing but sticks and twigs and dust or I’ll be dead pretty darned soon.
Mind you, I’m not huge, I’m a size 12 (though I do hate the way I look at this weight–one’s suits simply don’t hang right!). But, due to various health problems (thanks, dad), my doctor told me, “Well, you’re going to have a heart attack–it’s up to you when.” Not that a good quick heart attack doesn’t sound like a restful way out, but I’ve got my elderly mother to take care of, and she might well live forever.
Crap.
Well, I am not going to start exercising, I know myself too well for that. I’ll walk up the three flights of stairs to work, and that’s about it. But I have Lazy Bitch Syndrome, which does not allow me to exercise. Which means no good food again, ever. Anyone know any sensible non-hippie nutritional websites? Please don’t suggest that I Get To Know Weight Watchers. Not that I have anything against it (despite its creepy cultlike qualities), but it all boils down to common sense and portion control anyway. I’d debelop an eating disorder, but my fashion editor friend Lois tells me, “Oh, hon, if you haven’t developed an eating disorder by your age, you’re never going to.”
Of course, if the leukemia test comes out positive, the pounds will simply fall away. “Oh, you probably don’t have leukemia,” says my doctor, “it’s probably just stress. So calm down and don’t worry about anything. While we test you for leukemia.”
Crap.