Well yes, as someone who is perpetually hungry, dinnertime does in fact rule. But what I was intending to get at was what - if any - rules (or guidelines) do you have concerning the manner that meals are consumed in your household? From this thread, I got the impression that many folk consider the very idea of shared family meals - not to mention table manners - is somewhat of an anachronism.
Here are some at casa Dinsdale:
-To some reasonable extent, try not to schedule things that conflict with the family’s ability to have dinner together.
-Come to the table reasonably promptly when you are informed that dinner is ready. Don’t make everyone else wait for you.
-If you anticipate you will need to use the facilities, do so before dinner instead of excusing yourself from the table.
-Do not feed the dog from the table.
-No reading at the table.
-Pass the dishes in the same direction (generally clockwise).
-Do not start eating until everyone is served.
-Unless you are ill, you are expected to come to the table and pretend to be pleasant, even if you are not hungry.
-Ask if anyone else wants more before finishing off any serving dish.
-Indicate the name of the person whom you wish to pass something (salt, butter, etc.)
-If you don’t like something, you generally don’t have to eat it, but don’t say things like “Yuck, I HATE asparagus!”
-Anyone who objects to the manner in which food is prepared is free to prepare it themselves. Same for people desiring “special orders.”
-Ask to be excused before leaving.
-Bus your plate.
-No singing at the table (came into play much more when the kids were young).
So, does the idea of dinner at my house impress you as hell on earth? It may be overstating things to call these “rules.” Moreso they are practices that we consider “appropriate manners” that we have tried to instill in our kids. And we don’t get into arguments when someone behaves differently.
One final question - do you have “assigned” seats? We do. Personally I don’t care where I sit, but it seems my kids prefer their “usual” seats.
We have many of the same “rules”. We also have two kids that are particularly picky, so we also have the rule that if you don’t like what is being served, you need to make yourself an alternative - PB&J or whatever. (Although frequently suggested, ice cream is not an approved substitute.)
We have pretty much the same rules, with the addition of the alternative menu item option. We generally expect kids to try any new dish before opting out, within reason.
Now that they are older and have more activities we also expect them to be able to talk about something pleasant or interesting that happened during the day.
I used to have similar rules when my kids were young (except I think we allowed reading and singing at the table). We also had “wash your hands before coming to table” and we did not have the “pass dishes in the same direction” rule.
Now that my kids are all over 18, we don’t have regular “family meals” anymore (everyone’s on a different schedule). Now we have “kitchen rules” such as “don’t eat takeout marked with someone else’s name” and a more detailed version of “bus your plate”. Also “if you cook please clean up after yourself”, and “if you get the last of something or notice it’s low, please mark it on the grocery list”. That’s a whole 'nuther thread, though.
ETA: we also had the rule “drink one glass of milk before drinking soft drinks or juice”. This was also enforced when dining out.
Those look pretty standard, similar to the ones I grew up with and the ones we used here, except for the alternative food rule. We tried to have at least something at each meal that everyone liked, so they didn’t have a whole meal they thought was yucky, but the kids, when young, were required to eat one spoonful of each thing on the table. Exceptions were made when we had something that I knew only one person liked, but then I offered an alternative as part of the meal. For example, if I served beets, knowing I’m the only one in the family who eats them, there was another vegetable. I did still try to get the kids to have one bite, and my husband would eat a little bit, just to set a good example.
No reading, no singing, no elbows on the table, ask to be excused when you’re done.
We had pretty much the same rules when I was a kid, except a) no dog; and b) it was expressly forbidden to ask people not to sing or hum. (Mom is a major hippie who believes in encouraging all forms of creative expression.)
Also, if it was your birthday, you got to choose the menu. I really looked forward to this, because my sister was (and still is) a very picky eater, which basically meant I got my favorite (salmon) once a year.
Oh, and after my parents got divorced and Dad remarried, we also had similar rules at his house, except if you left the table, you weren’t alllowed to bring your food with you. Even if your stepmom was smoking at the table, and you were asthmatic. :rolleyes:
I meant to add that my girls have horrified their dorm mates by refusing to drink from cereal bowls and using proper utensils when eating in the dining room or with other people. Apparently their friends think my kids were raised with draconian rules that nobody could possibly be expected to follow.
That sounds like dinner at my house when I was growing up. I’ll add the milk rule too, except juice or soda was not an option if you finished your milk. You had milk at dinner and if you were thirsty when you were done, you had more milk. You didn’t have to finish all of your dinner, but you did have to finish your milk. I drank a lot of room temperature milk as a child.
My dad also abhorred my sisters and myself whining about eating something we didn’t like. We were required to try at least a taste of new food before deciding if we liked it or not. If we didn’t like what was being served, we were welcome to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich after grace was said. Whining was always a no-no though.
Overall, it worked out well for us. We all have decent table manners and enjoy a wide variety of food. We’re also pretty comfortable trying bizarre foods to find out if we like them or not, but that goes back to one of my family’s favorite dinner table games: “Guess What Kind of Meat Dad Fixed Tonight”.
We had similar rules at my parents’ house. I admit that since I now live alone, I do not observe most of the rules because I feel no need to do so. I can be as rude as I like (which is admittedly not very–I was trained well by my parents) since there’s no one to offend or disgust.
I also have never understood the thinking that says that manners are not necessary around family members or close friends. Sure, they’ll probably love you anyway if you’re gross, but shouldn’t you want to be polite and mannerly with them as well as with people you don’t know well?
Sounds pretty standard. We had a ‘No stacking at the table’ rule - passing plates round tobe cleared was fine - and if there were a large number of people at the table, the server was free to say, “Do start”. Ladies are served first - both drinks and food.
Dinner at your house sounds lovely, Dinsdale. It’s just my husband and I at home, so we don’t have rules per se. But we don’t read at the table; we both have good table manners; and we don’t start eating until we’re both at the table.
My thoughts exactly. I could never marry someone with bad table manners. Who wants to spend 50 years sitting across from someone who chews with his mouth open?
Interesting. From the tone of the replies in that other thread, I was getting the impression that most people’s meals were no-holds-barred affairs.
Yeah, we let anyone who does not like the offered meal prepare a healthy alternative - a sandwich or yougurt is pretty standard. But we pretty much try to have everyone eat at least 1 “unit” of whatever veggie is served (the exception being my son who once convinced us that eating even the top of one asparagus spear would make him barf.)
And the birthday celebrant gets to choose the meal.
Also, yes, unless we are specifically being lazy, we do not eat in front of the TV. My neighbors’ kitchen is visible from our windows, and they ALWAYS have the TV on at the end of the table during meals. Yuck!
Here’s one I remember from my childhood that we don’t make a big deal out of - no elbows on the table!
The rules in the OP sound pretty much like the ones we had for our kids, except if you didn’t like dinner, a PB&J or cereal were the only options (don’t want to make it too attractive) and the #1 rule was turn off the TV!!! (this may be a given with the rest of you, I just thought I’d mention it.)
We’ve relaxed things a bit at our house. The TV is always on, and anyone who doesn’t like the looks of dinner opens a can of ravioli. Both those things irritate the hell out of me, but not enough to go to war over. Other than that, we’re fairly civilized.
In my last household, the rule was: Don’t bother the centerpiece, and the centerpiece won’t bother you. Whitey was such a good cat.
We have never had any dinnertime rules in our house. We never really eat together, the TV is on, and my sister and I read while eating!!
Despite that though we all have extremely good table manners and eat nearly everything (I don’t like eggs!!).
I can’t imagine eating with so many rules. Surely that makes the experience even more stressful? Having said that, when I have my own family I do want us all to eat together.
I’m not sure that our rules were as codified as your list appears to be, but functionally that’s the ruleset I grew up with.
I just spent a week with my parents visiting my brother and his family. My nieces are 3 and 5, so the rules about eating things like veggies are a little different than they might be for older children (Sis-in-law is ok with her children eating veggies drowning in ranch dressing–as long as the veggies are eaten, but hopes that as they mature, they will eat less ranch dressing). )
At the end of at least one meal, my nieces were asking questions of the form “Grandpa, when you finish your water will you do X with me?” This amused the rest of us, as it seemed to be a blend of the general requirement that my nieces finish their milk or juice before leaving the table and of a “quit bugging me kid, I’m not done with dinner until I’ve drunk all my water” sentiment.
The balance between passing dishes around the table and passing plates to where the food was was also affected by the fact that Grandma was seated (by popular demand) between her granddaughters, and thus far away from anyone capable of holding a large, hot, pottery bowl.
Also, my parents have developed a tendency to leave their water glasses from dinner on the table until morning, at which time they use them again for juice and stick them in the dishwasher. This works well in a house with 2 or 3 adults, but less well in a house with 5, when people re-arrange for the post dinner chatter/ game playing.
So at least one morning, an assortment of glasses got dumped into the dishwasher rather than strain anyone’s brain trying to figure out who used which glass last.
I guess my parents might sound strict. You were expected to be home for dinner unless granted permission in advance. You were told to wash your hands for dinner (that included any needed activities) and you were expected to be at your seat at the table right after being called. Sometimes the food was served out, but usually we passed the bowls around. You ate what was served. If you didn’t like something, nobody cared; if you mentioned it, you’d get extra. If there wasn’t enough, they’d make more. If you didn’t say anything, but didn’t take enough of any dish you didn’t like, Dad would ‘help you with that’. If it was something you like ok, but the preparation was lacking and you said anything, you could end up making dinner every night for a week, instead of just once a week. You drank milk. We were taught and expected to exhibit our table manners: proper use of utensils, hand in your lap, all that stuff. Wednesdays, they got out the wedding silver and china and we’d have the fanciest meat loaf dinner ever. Butter knives, desert forks, water goblets, the whole magilla. We hated it, because kids did the dishes and that was a lot of dishes. But I ended up knowing what to do when out to lunch with executive types.
With all that, we looked forward to dinner time. When our parents would be working 80-hour weeks during the holidays, we waited for them to get home before we ate supper - because we wanted to. They’d tell us to eat, and all us kids would just tell’em we’d rather wait for them. No singing, no reading, but lots of conversation and laughter at dinner.
Mom did requests for birthday dinners. Sometimes, the celebrant would be the only person eating the special dinner, if it was a bit pricey (if it was *too *pricey, well, sorry).
It may be overstating things to call these “rules.” Moreso they are practices that we consider “appropriate manners” that we have tried to instill in our kids. And we don’t get into arguments when someone behaves differently.
