I sat across from my friend last evening, at the Food Court in the local mall. Crowded noisy room, families around us. I was aware that he ate with one hand on his fork, and the other hand in his lap. I was immediately transported back to the time when I was a young child, and my mother would repeat endlessly, " Elbows off of the table ! "
What table manners are most important to you? Which do you attempt to impress upon your children most ardently? And, with success or not?
Where did the custom of keeping the other hand in the lap originate?
What table behaviors absolutely drive you around the bend?
Cartooniverse
p.s. I don’t want this to turn into a Pit Rant, so posted this here instead. No Miss Manners, no Emily Post, no Dear Abby. Just what you do in your family, and with friends.
Table manners are important because they help us to ritualize the experience of eating food. You tend to eat more thoughtfully, pleasantly, and deliberately when using proper manners.
Seriously, I think this is lost on many kids today, who are used to having a pizza pie slapped down on the coffee table in the living room.
Although I don’t have children yet, when I do, I’d like to make it a practice to actually eat at the table - without the TV on. Also, when I was younger, I actually had etiquette lessons. Believe it or not, I had a coming out ball. I’m 27, so it’s not exactly something that’s completely died out. It was really surreal, and I’m sure something most people would completely disagree with and find very archaic. However, while I would never put my children through something like that, I feel I learned a lot of valuable lessons during those etiquette classes. And I think etiquette in general is extremely important. As ** aaslatten ** said, table manners make meals much more pleasant, and I personally feel that overall etiquette makes life more pleasant.
I’m pretty flexible, though about table manners relating to forks, knives, glasses, etc. For example, my husband-to-be is Indian, so his table manners are pretty significantly different from what I grew up with. So, when we’re with his friends & family, we all usually eat with our hands. But, even eating with your fingers, his family rarely use their left hands while eating and usually keep them in their laps. According to my SO, this is something that developed traditionally out of cleanliness issues. In many countries, people do not use toilet paper. So, what are they going to use? Their hands. It would be gross to use both hands, because you’ve got to eat with something, so the left hand was sort of designated as the “shit hand.” That’s the one you whipe with. Although my fiance and his family keep their hands scrupulously clean (and since it is commonly available, all use toilet paper), they never eat with their left hand, or shake hands with their left hands, because it’s considered extremely insulting. So maybe that would somewhat explain why people do not eat with their left hands but keep them in their laps. At least in some cultures.
As for things that drive me nuts at the table, they are:
People talking with full mouths. I have a friend who does this constantly, and actually has to shove food back into his mouth to prevent it from falling out. I don’t go out to dinner very often with him.
People who talk on cell phones while eating. Not only is this bad table manners, but I think it’s incredibly rude to everyone else in the vicinity.
People chewing with their mouths open. Unless you have a cold and cannot breathe through your nose, please, please close your mouth while you chew!
I think that it is important to raise children with table manners. My family was fairly poor, but we were raised with good etiquette, and I never feel out of place or inferior around people raised much wealthier than I, because the habit of good manners levels the playing field, so to speak. I may not know all the great places to vacation in the world, but I know how to eat with my mouth closed and say please and thank you.
As for table manners that disgust me, smacking your food is a huge one for me. I also realize that in some cultures, smacking your food is a compliment. I would have a hard time acclimatizing to living in a culture like that.
Drive around the bend behavior: The American (and possibly others) practice of constantly switching the fork from one hand to the other: cut meat, put down knife, switch fork to right hand, put left hand in lap, eat bite, repeat again and again. How stupid and pretentious is this?
BTW, Chefguy, for some folks fork-switching might be pretentious, but for at least a few, it’s functional: lots of Americans never learn how to cut food with the knife in the left hand – they have no kinesthetic memory for it, and find it awkward to try.
You could have the European vs. American fork-handling style forever, but you’re never going to resolve it. I am American, but I taught myself to use the fork with my left hand so I would not have to be constantly switching hands. But then I have irrational ideas about efficiency.
Chewing with the mouth anything other than complely closed disgusts me. Chomping, lip smacking, and god-forbid talking while eating are simply gross. Unfortunately, my MIL does this all the time, mostly because she finds it difficult to stop talking, ever. It’s difficult to follow the other etiquette rule that says you don’t call attention to others’ violations of etiquette rules in public. Besides, she’s over 85 years old, has always been this way, and is unlikely to change now. Still disgusting.
Chew with your mouth closed! Do not talk with your mouth fill! My father-in-law’s girlfriend cannot do either of these things. It’s kind of pathetic to see a 40+ year-old woman who hasn’t mastered these very basic skills.
I’m also astonished at how few kids say “please” and “thank you.” Again, not hard concepts. Their parents are doing them a real disservice by not teaching them basic courtesy.
I don’t think that it is necessarily either. In America it is not pretentious; it is just the way we were taught. And it’s not stupid if one tends to eat too quickly and needs to slow down.
But I do love the European style! It is much more practical.
There is no need to put the knife in the left hand. Keep it in the right and keep your fork in the left. When putting food in your mouth with the fork, turn the fork upside down. When you need to take a break, rest the top of the fork (face down) on the left side of your plate and the knife on the right – so that they stick out from the plate.
Try it! It’s really easy!
But what I want to know is, how do Europeans keep their napkins from sliding out of their laps without the left hand to hold it in place?
Table manners really aren’t important to me. Parly because I’m a piggish youth. If I were dining somewhere nicer than the dorm cafeteria, I’d make more of an effort (and I’m a dork who collects old etiquitte books, so I’d know what to do), but I see no point in my everyday life. Just, you know, don’t be gross or rude. Don’t offend anybody.
There’s one guy I know, though. . . he’s nice and all, but when we see him coming, we all suddenly become done with our food. I have never seen someone eat so disgustingly. . . mouth WIDE open when chewing. . . LOUD noises being made. . . Once there was BBQ, with bones and messy sauces involved. You may or may not (if you are lucky) be able to imagine how revoltingly someone can eat BBQ if they manage to eat PEAS in a gross manner. Ew, ew, ew! I just picture his family at home, and how they must eat if they had been failing to correct this behavior for all 19 years of this kid’s life.
I had no that cutting the food with the knife in the right hand and eating it with the fork in the left hand was “European style”. It’s just how I eat.
I don’t know if it was because my dad was a Naval officer, or just the way my parents were brought up; but I was taught to say “Please, sir” and “Thank you, sir” (or ma’am). If I wanted to get up, the proper way to ask was, “May I please be excused from the table?”
I’ve met people who say that teaching a child such things is entirely too formal and that children should be allowed to be children. But in my opinion it’s important for children to be taught how to behave in polite company. (And no, I don’t have kids.)
I was at a diner one time when I saw a “Bubba” in the next booth. He was wearing a T-shirt under an opened plaid flannel shirt, and had a crumpled ball cap on his head to cover his receding hairline. He was pontificating to his family as he ate. I could clearly see the un-chewed food in his mouth as he spoke loudly in simple syllables. Disgusting.
I hate it when people pull the fork out of the mouth and bite down on the fork so you hear it. Ugh. It makes my hair stand up. I also do not want to hear the fork scraping across the plate.
Table manners are very important to me. Aside from the others already mentioned (mouth open, elbows on table, etc), I can not stand people who don’t take their hats off to eat. It’s bad enough that people wear baseball hats in the house now, but wearing them to the dinner table is just plain rude.
When I have kids, they’re going to be raised on protein packs and vitamin supplements. None of this whole wasting two hours a day in ritualistic eating ceremonies for my family! We’re going to spend the time that most families are preparing and eating dinner doing something useful, like reading Shakespeare or learning calculus. Maybe every once in a while we’ll have a practice dinner, so that they know how to deal when they have to eat with less enlightened people.
Featherlou, could you clarify please ? I’m sure you’re not talking about spanking your vegetables in public, so could you tell me what “smacking your food” refers to ? I’m stumped.
When raising our son, we taught him the basic table manners…
[ul]
chew with your mouth closed
elbows off the table
don’t talk with your mouth full
[/ul]
When he was in middle school, he invited a friend over for spaghetti dinner. His friend literally slurped his entire plateful of spaghetti. I was too shocked to say anything and I spent the entire meal stealing looks at my son and stifling a giggle. I shudder to think what happened when this young man’s girlfriend invited him to Mother’s for a spaghetti dinner. :eek:
