Table manners, How do YOU do it?

In My Humble Opinion
1

The Mother-in law manners thread running here in IMHO has me wondering, how do you define good manners when dining? I’ll provide my list, but try to note in your responses your cultural background too.

American Midwestern/ Slavic

Unless indicated by the host, everyone waits to be served, or to serve themselves before eating.

Seconds and thirds are compliments to the host on their hospitality. Guests help themselves unless you need to pass your plate around to get at something.

Cleaning your plate is likewise a compliment and a sign of maturity, while leaving food can be seen as mildly immature to quite rude depending on the quantity left.

It is not rude to decline any single dish within a course, but it is very rude to decline a course entirely. Polite guests will balance this by taking a bit more of something else.

The ultimate insult is to decline the meal entirely and nibble on crackers or appetizers.

It is considered polite to make your host aware of any dietary restrictions privately rather than at table. However, if the issue arises it is better to decline politely with an explanation than to waste food.
So how is it done in your families?

2

British here…

Take (at least one) bottle of wine as a gift. You should take more than you expect to drink.

Wait for your host to indicate where you should sit.

Elbows off the table.

Napkins go on your lap, not tucked into your collar like a baby’s bib.

Your sideplate for bread is on your left.

Work from the outside in on cutlery choice.

Fork goes in left hand, knife goes in right. Opposite way is gauche.

Don’t pour your own wine, wait to be served/topped up. If you’re desperate, top everyone else up before yourself.

Compliment the host on everything, even if you hate it.

Try everything, even if only a little.

Don’t lean across other people to reach anything on the table.

Chew with your mouth shut.

Don’t eat with your fingers unless the occasion warrants it (BBQ, finger buffet).

It’s okay to leave a bit.

Indicate you have finished by putting your knife and fork together at a 5 o’clock position on your plate.

Offer to help clear/wash up, but don’t push it if your host politely declines.

3

I come from a mixed household - my dad is Southern, my mom is from Pittsburgh. We live in the South, though, and I think the manners are essentially the same.

NO HATS. If you wear a hat to my mom’s table (and you’re, like, family - obviously she wouldn’t say this to a guest) she’ll ask very sweetly if you’re Jewish… no? Is it your birthday? No? Take your hat off.

Dishes are passed unless something is hot or heavy or needs to be carved at the table or whatnot.

I’ve been thinking a bit about the “seconds” thing that came up in the other thread, and I suppose it’s one of those things you don’t realize has a little ritual until you really think about it. It wouldn’t be rude at our table to get yourself some more. It WOULD be rude to take some huge amount or take seconds when not everybody has had a chance at a dish. While it would be fine to take more, now that I think about it my mom is kind of careful to notice if you’re done and then say “There’s more roast if you like!”, especially if it might not be obvious because the rest of the roast is unsliced in the kitchen.

It’s not rude at all to decline a specific dish, but it would definitely be rude to sit there and snack on crackers. It isn’t rude to not eat anything at all if you have a good reason for it (i.e., let’s say you have to eat Thanksgiving dinner with your family, but you wanted to drop by and say hi and have a glass of wine… that would be okay. You’d have explained that beforehand, of course.)

It would be perfectly polite to bring your own food if you have major dietary restrictions that would mean you literally couldn’t make a meal out of what we’re serving, but it would only be polite if you mentioned it quietly to the host beforehand - that isn’t something you should just show up with. And if you did need to bring your own food she’d have tried to make you something and then there would be a duel of wits - “Oh, no, it’s quite alright!” “I insist!”, etc.

If you have a dietary issue otherwise, the polite thing is to mention it beforehand. However, it wouldn’t be rude to, say, ask “Does this have any meat in it?”

Cleaning your plate is well thought of, but there’s no particular insult in not. If you leave a lot, I agree that it does look a bit immature (but I do it sometimes because after I cook all the damned Thanksgiving dinner I’m just not hungry anymore.)

There’s nothing rude about taking only vegetables or about explaining that you’re a vegetarian. It would be quite rude to explain your vegetarianism by saying anything disgusting about killing floors or suggesting anything about the other diners, of course.

ETA - After reading what came in before me, oh, yeah, very polite to offer to wash up. Required for female guests, appreciated in males. And you do wait to be told where to sit. The hostess starts off pouring wine but eventually that bottle may get handed around.

4

Huh? Why the difference? I get that traditionally women are meant to be happy homemakers but why perpetuate this mindset today? Why not say that it’s either required for all guests or appreciated in all?

5

Zsofia, Hats are likewise banned from the table traditionally in my family. SanVito, we also give wine as guest gifts, but small pastries or vodka is also well received.

Along those lines I’ll add that a guest who is just dropping by would be expected to have a small cookie or pastry with their wine, cocktail, or coffee, though they certainly would be asked to join several times. Generally speaking the rule of three applies in that regard. three refusals is the limit. Most hosts and hostesses nowadays will only ask once followed by a “are you sure?” Everyone takes leftovers, but you may choose what you would like if the host/ess does not prepare bags for everyone. At formal dinners leftovers are not shared out, but eaten later by the family or donated to the church.

6

This mindset bugs the hell out of me, too, but I understand why Zsofia said it. It really is a set of double standards.

I think the real thing is that not all guests will be required to help wash up, if for no other reason than few kitchens can support 6 or 8 people. In practice, you want one host to remain at the table and entertain the non-washing-up guests, while the other host does the basic washing up. This usually works out to the female doing the washing up and the male staying to entertain.

Fair? Not really. But both hosts shouldn’t leave the guests sitting alone, and sometimes gender disparities happen.

7

Hey, I’m not sayin’ that goes for MY house, I’m just saying that’s what my parents would think of you. It’s the etiquette I grew up in. A woman is expected to at least offer to help out - that’s the baseline. If a man offers to help out, he’s a sweet dear. This is descriptive, not prescriptive.

ETA - Athena’s description of the practical issue of “somebody has to entertain everybody else” is part of it.

8

By the way, you NEVER EVER EVER start before everybody else. There will be a blessing.

9

I find this a bit ridiculous in this day and age. You’d rather inconvenience your left-handed (or otherwise) guests than follow some outdated rule such as this? Otherwise, I think your list pretty much covers it.

10

We’ve always been very casual about entertaining in both my family and my husbands. There are only a few things that will get you the evil eye:

You participate politely in the conversation, wait until everyone has had at least one serving before getting seconds. We solve the starting first issue by serving Grandmere first. Once Grandmere starts eating everyone else is free to. It’s practical too since she takes forever to eat :slight_smile: Also everyone at least offers to help. Either preparing, cleaning up after, serving the younger kids, carrying leftovers to the downstairs fridge, entertaining the younger kids while cleanup is happening - something. Guests will usually be politely declined or given a smaller or more fun job but anyone who doesn’t offer is suspect.

11

At-home dinners with close family (eating together as frequently as possible with me, the husband and the kids is mandatory - no electronics, toys or books are permitted):
I usually serve family style so people can help themselves, so dishes of food are in the middle of the table with appropriate serving utensils. I’ll generally plate the toddler’s food for her, and often my son’s, but he’s allowed to grab at will, too. Kids are more than welcome to leave the table when they’re done.

If it’s more formal:
I usually plate the food first, then leave the rest on a coneniently-located table or sideboard so guests can help themselves. Again, unless we’re in someone else’s house following someone else’s rules, the kids can leave the table when they’re done. I think it’s unreasonable to expect young children to sit still at table once they’ve finished their food, especially if they’re in a home with appropriate entertainment. If we’re at someone else’s house, I might ask if they mind if the kids leave the table, then let them do so with the caveat that they need to play nearby so I can see what they’re up to.

If it’s a party:
Usually the kitchen table is piled with the food (most people congregate in my kitchen anyway) and plates. People can sit there if they like, but usually choose to stand and chat or sit in the dining room. Kids can mill around with the adults if they want, though they need to keep food in the kitchen.

As far as chewing with mouths open, where the napkins goes, etc., I usually leave that up to guests, assuming that they know what to do. Unless someone’s doing something totally disgusting (food falling out of the mouth, nose-picking, etc.), I wouldn’t think of commenting on someone’s table manners, unless they were my own kids. Even then, they get a pass on certain things. I might remind my five year old to try not to talk with his mouth full, but I often don’t bother unless it’s really noticable.

Depending upon what we’re eating, we may or may not use silverware. If we’re using silverware, traditional silverware placement applies. If we’re eating Indian food, I usually just give everyone a spoon, though all of us except the baby can use chapatis in place of utensils.

My family is from the Midwest. My husband is from India.

12

Midwestern, with a German background.
[ul]
[li]Wait until everyone is seated and the grace is said before beginning. []Wait until everyone is served before beginning to eat, unless there are eight or more people at the table. If there are eight or more, you need only wait until the person on either side of you is served. []It is rude of the host to take any notice of what a guest eats or does not eat. []It is also rude for a guest to announce that he will not eat something. []If you cannot eat something for reasons of health, do not take any. If offered, say “No thank you”. If you just don’t like it, take a very small helping and try to eat a bite or two. []It is unnecessary to eat seconds unless you want it. []Wait until everyone else has had firsts before taking seconds. []You do not have to leave anything on your plate out of politeness. []It is polite to offer to help clean up and wash up. If the hostess says “No thanks”, it is equally polite to take her at her word.[/ul]My mother is an absolute bug on this kind of thing, and I have had it drilled into me from childhood. [/li]
Regards,
Shodan

13

Midwestern USA here. I was raised with the following table manners:

[ul]
[li]Napkins go in the lap.[/li][li]On a basic utensils setup, fork is on the left of the plate, the knife and spoon are on the right, with the knife closest to the plate, blade facing toward the plate.[/li][li]When everyone has seated and the meal has started, you take food that is closest to you and pass it to the next person. When doing so, you do not start eating the food until you have had everything passed to you. Also, you don’t stop and butter your bread or put jelly on your dinner roll while passing the food around. Instead, you take some butter (or jelly) and put some on your plate, then pass it along.[/li][li]Never reach for anything that is beyond your normal reach on the table. If you have to stand up to reach it or reach across someone to get it, that is a big no no. Instead you ask for someone to pass it, saying, “Please pass the…”[/li][li]Chewing with the mouth open is a big No No.[/li][li]Second helpings are fine as long as everyone has had a chance to have a first helping.[/li][li]Burping is frowned upon at the table, but tolerated if it should happen. The burper should always say, “Excuse me” if it does.[/li][li]Everyone is expected to try a little bit of everything, but if you don’t like it you don’t have to finish it. At least you tried it. Exceptions are if there are any dietary restrictions, which customarily are made known beforehand.[/li][li]When done, you empty your own plate into the trash can and either put it in the dishwasher or on the counter for whoever will be cleaning up.[/li][li]Always, always, ALWAYS, thank whoever prepared the meal.[/li][/ul]

14

Canadian here. Manners for nice sit-down dinner with relatives at Christmas:

Food is cooked and put in serving dishes and put on the table.

Someone hollers “dinner!”

Try to get there before Uncle Jerry or he’ll eat half the mashed potatoes.

Take as much or little as you want. Eat all or none of it.

If you want seconds say “please pass the carrots”.

Moan about how stuffed you are and then have a nap.

15

Canadian.

If I’m invited for dinner. I’ll enquire as to what’s being served and purchase the appropriate vino. I won’t serve myself unless instructed to. Mainly i try not eat like a dog if I’m famished and keep my mouth closed when eating.

My sister has Lebanese in laws. They really like to feed thier guests if you finish your plate they’ll usually get you another one without asking. I usually make a point after I’m done to state that I am honestly full and it was great. Even if you just come over for a visit they’re going to feed you something, very hospitable people.

16

Same background, same sorts of “manners”

Although there are situational manners. In my own home, with tweens, a family dinner is often a manners free for all. We TRY to tell our kids that you don’t say “I DON’T LIKE THAT” at the table. Company manners, dining out manners, dining
with grandma manners and formal manners are all slightly different.

17

I’m in the northeast, Polish/Slovak heritage.

Family dinners tend to be pretty informal because they are usually just me, my siblings and their spouses/SO’s, and my mother. I cook and drop several hints about how nice it is that the cook doesn’t have to clean up, and my brother and sisters usually take the hint :smiley:

Everyone assembles in the kitchen for grace, then if the food is laid out buffet style we all file into the dining room (no, we don’t actually dine in the dining room) to fill our plates and return to the kitchen. It’s bad form to load up on one item before everyone gets a chance to have any, but otherwise you take as much of whatever you want. If everything fits on the kitchen table, it’s a combination of boardinghouse reach and please-pass-the. I encourage everyone to eat as much as they want so I don’t get stuck with a heap of leftovers.

No one has special dietary restrictions and especially for the holidays the foods are either Tradition!!! (i.e. we have to have it even though no one eats it) or stuff we know everyone likes.

18

New England girl here who has lived in the South for the past 20 years:

[ul]
[li]When at someone’s house and someone offers you something, you take a “no thank you” portion - equivalent to one spoonful.[/li][li]No hats at the table, and you must have on a clean shirt. [/li][li]The salt and pepper are passed together, even if only one was asked for.[/li][li]You do not leave the table without asking to be excused, and even then it was considered rude to leave until everyone was done unless you had something important to attend to.[/li][li]Getting up from the table meant clearing your plate and utensils and putting them in the dishwasher. [/li][li]Sunday dinners with guests meant that me and my sister were expected to clear the table and load the dishwasher while the grown-ups talked. We’d also bring out the coffee service to them as well as any dessert needs (dessert, plates, forks).[/li][li]Clean-up & Dishes were done immediately after the meal - my sister & I would take turns washing/drying. [/li][li]Guests were never asked to help nor expected to. Usually it was preferred by mom that they do not help.[/li][li]Also, because we were a larger family on a smaller budget, inviting a mate to dinner meant you had to be willing to sacrifice a part of your own meal to accomodate for it.[/li][li]Seconds were usually pre-determined by mom. If there were seconds available, you would not take them all before asking if others wanted any. That way you knew what fraction you could take.[/li][li]Similarly, milk was served with most meals, but because of the expense, only one glass per person. We made powdered milk back in those days - that’s my speciality.[/li][/ul]

I’m sure there’s more - between my mom and living in the south, there were a lot of rules.

19

I’m thinking more about every day table manners and not necessarily those to follow when you are a guest.

Keep your elbows off the dang table! And please don’t scrape your teeth on your untensils. Also, don’t hold your fork like you’re using it as a shovel. I work with an otherwise intelligent man who holds his fork in this manner. It makes you look like you were born in a barn.

20

Canadian, Eastern. My mother’s house has two sets of manners (well, three really, but only two that are relevant to dinner).

Every day:
Serving will probably be directly out of the cooking vessels, and every one sits around the island in the kitchen.

You can condiment your plate right away, but we prefer you delay actually eating until everyone’s sitting. If it’s hot food and my mother’s still putzing around in the kitchen, she’ll probably tell us to start without her, and mean it.
Seconds are encouraged, though the polite thing to do is wait until everyone has had a chance to finish their first course before going back for more. My parents will probably offer them to you, but there is no need to wait for them to do so.

We often set the island with cutlery for these casual meals, but no one gets fussed about where your napkin is or how you’re using your knife and fork (my parents handle theirs american-style, my boyfriend and I prefer british-style), as long as you use the napkin, chew with your mouth closed, and keep your elbows out of the way of others.

Rinse your own plate. If my mother bitches about people not doing the dishes (as opposed to not clearing/rinsing/stacking), I lovingly remind her that she bought a dishwasher for a reason and she doesn’t have to do dishes either.

Tell her it was great (because it always is). Plot to steal any leftovers for midnight snack. Drink more of my step-father’s wine and relax.

Holiday dinners:
These involve my mother pulling out the extender for the dining room table and her grandmother’s china and silver. Holidays usually include some friends and extended family, including my nana, who is a product of a more formal age, fairly religious, and with the advance of her Alzheimer’s, easily upset by uncomfortable situations.

These involve proper servings dishes that get passed around the table (unless something is very heavy, in which case you pass your plate down to whoever’s sitting in front of the turkey/heavy thing before you load it up with anything else), and a grace before starting, courtesy of my nana. We’re generally on best behaviour for her as far as dinner conversation goes, but aside from that everything’s about as relaxed as every day dinners.

The thing about holiday meals is not so much table manners, as it is if my mother tells you do something when she’s cooking for 15 people, do it as quickly as possible without arguing and then hide until she calls your name again. She’s normally pretty relaxed, but swears like a sailor when she’s doing the big dinners.

Other meals:
Eat whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want, just make sure everything’s washed up when you’re done.