Table manners, How do YOU do it?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’d like to repeat this one. I know one or two people who drive me nuts because they not only insist on helping, they insist on getting the kitchen completely clean right after dinner. I’m not like that; I’ll put up leftovers and do the basics so that the kitchen is not a pit, but I’m looking to get back to the party asap. The last time “Mary” was here, I kept saying “it’s fine, let’s go sit down” while she insisted on hand-washing everything that wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher.

I finally left her there. If she wanted to clean so badly, let her do it.

22

Going to go with a few of the most important restaurant manners here; basically, what I’d be watching for in a date. Late 20s Midwestern Euro-mutt.

[ul][li]If there’s a napkin at your place, it goes on your lap as soon as you sit down[/li][li]Unless there is going to be a major delay and the person who’s waiting has said it’s all right, never start your own meal until everyone has been served[/li][li]DO NOT CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN, as this is fucking disgusting[/li][li]When using a knife to cut food, the knife goes in the dominant hand to cut, and then the knife is laid down and the fork is taken up in the dominant hand to eat[/li][li]When cutting up food in any way (knife, fork edge, etc.), only one piece is cut off at a time (you may, e.g., slice off a longer strip, and then slice one bite at a time off that strip, putting down your knife in between)–the main idea here is that you’re not making yourself a plate full of bite-sized pieces[/li][li]Bring your utensil up to your mouth; don’t bring your mouth down to the utensil[/li]Do not rest the elbow of your dominant hand on the table as you eat (doing so forces you to violate the previous rule)[/ul]

23

Just reading this thread has mad me too exhausted to respond. Just knowing that some people give ordinary human interactions this level of scrutiny makes me want to forswear the human race entirely.

24

Ah, the fork-shovel method. Also known as the “toddler fist-hold” growing up. Are you a toddler? As in, under 3? No? Knock it off.

Not to mention this method also caused elbow to stick straight out to the side. I was next to a guy who did this once, and I got an elbow in my boob. I asked him if he was trying to feel me up, or just didn’t have any manners. He kept his elbow down after that, but then had to hold his hand bent a the wrist and he looked even more ridiculous, and uncomfortable. Well, dude, maybe you should hold your fork like a grownup!

25

Yip. When people can’t agree, and use it to look down on other human beings, it ceases to have any useful function. And so I just ignore the rules entirely. I just try not to make a mess, and try not to eat too quickly or talk with my mouth full. And then just watch and see what everyone else does.*

This has served me well enough, and is better than memorizing a ton of rules.

*And I only do that because out of a desire not to start a fight about stupid stuff like this, not because I think it has any value.

26

Mid-Atlantic here, family spread all over the country. We’re pretty laid back, but a few basics are expected:

-Don’t start eating until everyone has been served. We do not say grace.
-Napkin belongs in the lap.
-No elbows on the table.
-No reaching. If you need something, ask that it please be passed.
-No chewing with your mouth open or talking with your mouth full.
-It’s OK to help yourself to seconds as long as it’s on the table and it’s not the last serving. If it’s the last serving, poll the table before you take it. If it’s being kept in the kitchen, say nothing and wait for the host to ask if anyone wants more.
-Absolutely no bitching about food. Does this even need to be said?
-It’s fine to politely decline a dish, just pass it on when it reaches you and say nothing.
-No commenting on what people are or aren’t eating, and don’t keep offering or pushing things after someone has said “No thank you.”
-My family has a number of lefties and so I don’t really pay attention to who has what utensil in what hand, but as long as you’re not waving your knife in the air, nobody really cares.
-Religion and anything crass or graphic (like your colonoscopy) is not an acceptable topic of discussion. Politics may be depending on who you’re eating with.
-No leaving the table until everyone has finished. When there were little kids, they could go as long as they asked first, but now that everyone’s an adult, it’s expected that you stay until everyone is done.

27
  1. Refusing is insulting. Period. If you decline one dish, it should be to someone that passes it to you and not directly from the cook. Unless you have a shrimp allergy or something.
  2. Gifts. Wine, cheese, whatever. I always bring a gift when I go some place new.
  3. A follow-up thank you.
  4. General table manners: not shooting rice out of your mouth when talking, don’t put elbows on the table, whatever.
  5. Do not get drunk.
  6. Do not overstay your welcome.
  7. Clean up: I always offer. It usually is the females and I don’t mind…nothing wrong with a little female chitter chatter around the dishwasher. Sometimes the men take the children at that point.
  8. Religion, politics, etc., are allowable if the host/ess brought it up first. And most certainly don’t be a jackass.
  9. If the host’s parent or grandparent is present, dear god, be respectful of that. And treat them accordingly.
28

Haha. Is this acceptable?

But really, I don’t know what this fork shovel thing is. Dear god, do I have bad table manners? Sometimes my elbow is out? If you had said that to me while eating, I would’ve have thought you to be a rather rude bitch. :frowning:

29

Kinda difficult not to get pissed at a dude who just stuck his elbow in my breast. Yeah, expect a rude remark. The “fork shovel like a toddler” is holding your utensil in your fist. As in, holding it like a shovel handle, rather than more like a pencil. One way looks like a little kid who was never taught how to eat at a table with other humans, and the other looks like an adult who was taught manners.

In a similar vein, my family doesn’t care which hand you hold your knife or fork in, no do they care whether you use the fork with tongs up or down. Just not a fist, and keep elbows to yourself, at your side.

30

Oh, okay. I thought you meant if you have your elbow out at all (as opposed to the up-down thing I’ve seen on Masterpiece Theatre).

I think if a guy cupped my breast, he’d get a slap in the face. Jabbing because he ate like a pig? Well…I’m sure you embarrassed him. :smiley:

edit:I do not think you are rude. I just would’ve been mortified!

31

Hogwash. We’re all adults here. If you, as chef/host/hostess offer me a dish of beets, I will politely decline. If you make an issue of it, I will politely refuse. If you insist, I will politely leave. You would probably prefer that to my vomiting on your dinner table, which would be the inevitable result of me eating your beets.

I’m not a picky eater. There are a few things I don’t like. I will politely take a spoonful of those things and probably eat them. There are a very few things that are ABSOLUTELY not going on my plate, nor in my stomach. If you make an issue of my polite declination of your offer, it is you, not me, who is being impolite.

In other words, balls to your rule #1. Forcing or coercing people into eating things that they intensely dislike is borderline sadism, in my book. And you shouldn’t even have to get that far. If someone declines a dish, trust them to be an adult and to know their own preferences. Don’t chastise them as you would your own child.

32

If there is any formality at all, it is incumbent upon the host to make clear what sort of dinner it is in the invite, and what they expect. If you are the plus one, it is the duty of your invitee to school you in any expectations. In lieu of any instruction, it is the duty of the guest to act passively, and follow the lead of the other guests.

33

HUGE EYE ROLL. Personally I take great offense by the severely antiquated (and sexist) “no hats” policy. If I’m wearing an article of clothing, it’s rude beyond the pale to ask me to remove it unless you are planning to bed me. And it’s even more rude to make me justify it with an inquisition as to my religious beliefs.

I had never even heard of any hat related custom until my Senior year of High School and it completely threw me with it’s bizarreness. I realize I’m in the minority in certain areas.

But other than the aspect of “tradition”, asking people to take off clothing intuitively seems incredibly rude to me, and counter to traditional ideals of modesty, like asking a woman to raise her hemline.

And beyond the cultural issue of modesty, and prying into personal beliefs, is basic humane sensitivity. What if a woman is wearing a hat to disguise a bad hair day, or an unfortunate new haircut which went awry? Or perhaps a man is being discreet with regards to a bald spot. Are you really going to embarrass him in front of the group?

I find that as a host I try to make everyone as happy as possible. Most manners and politeness have harmony at their base, but in some cases certain manners have become ends in themselves for some reason.

I say reject that. Both host and guest should make effort towards a mutually good experience. If you want a particular style of get together that’s fine, but it’s not some impossibly universal bible of miss manners, it’s anthem party.

34

British. My mother had a very formal upbringing which she tried to impose on us kids.

Most of what SanVito said, but with a few extras.

You are assigned a napkin which is presented in a napkin ring where you are sitting. For help-yourself style salad meals, you sit and then retrieve your napkin from a pile in the middle of the table.

Fork in left hand, knife in right - and the fork is only ever used for stabbing. It should not be turned scoop-way up. If you have gravy etc. you stab a piece of meat/veg on the fork and use the knife to push the liquids onto the food.

Soup is spooned away not towards, with the bowl tilted away from you. You do not put the soup spoon in your mouth - you rest it on your bottom lip and pour the soup into your mouth.

You do not cut bread rolls, you break them. Butter is put on the side of your side plate using the butter knife and spread a bit at a time onto the bread as required, using your sideplate knife.

Don’t clink the cutlery against your teeth. Don’t scrape cutlery against crockery. Eat with your mouth shut. Don’t talk with food in your mouth. Never put a knife anywhere near your mouth. Elbows off the table. Napkin in your lap. Don’t eat until the most senior woman at the table has started (often, but not always, the hostess). Wait to be offered seconds. Knife and fork together at 12.00 to indicate you are finished. Thank the host/hostess for the great food.

Foreign etiquette I’ve learned:

Chinese - even if there are several foods on the table at the same time, only serve yourself one food into the bowl at any given time, usually onto a bed of rice in the bowl. Bring the bowl to your mouth. Slurp noodle soup. Always rest your chopsticks above the table - edge of the bowl or on a chopstick rest. Never stick chopsticks into anything, and particularly not into rice as this resembles an incense offering to the dead. You can cut with the edge of your spoon. Never touch any food with you fingers.

Thai - spoon in right hand, fork in left. Fork is held tines down as in the British way, but only use the fork for pushing stuff onto the spoon. Don’t ask for chopsticks though occasionally they may be offered for fried noodle dishes. Never touch anything with your left hand.

American - fork in the right hand, scoop-wise, switch hands to cut with the knife. Put the knife down and switch hands again to eat.

Sri Lankan/Indian/Nepalese/Bangladeshi - don’t be disturbed that the hostess isn’t eating with you. Use the right hand only to make little balls of rice/curry, or use a chapati or paratha, torn with the right hand only, to scoop up liquids. Never touch anything with your left hand.

ETA: did any of my mother’s rules persist? Yeah, some of them are completely ingrained and leave me feeling sick if someone, say, licks food off a knife or chews with their mouth open. It’s completely illogical but is so strong I don’t think it will ever leave me. That said, the soup rule and the no-fork-as-scoop rules are completely retarded and I ignore them. And the napkin thing. And it’s fine to eat pizza with your hands in front of the TV. But my mother’s rules have actually served me well in genuinely formal settings, as we all spoke the same unwritten language.

35

Bob: Hats. Okay? Hats. If I ever see a hat on a bed in this house, man, like you’ll never see me again. I’m gone.
Diane: That makes two of us.
Nadine: Why a hat?
Bob: Because that’s just the way it is, sweetie.

/Drugstore Cowboy

36

errr “a theme party”

37

You’re not invited to my house. No, really, you can just smile, take the beets, and not eat them. Besides, I said if the hostess offers, not if the person next to you passes the plate.

Someone spent a lot of time on those beets. :frowning:

38

+1

I hope never to have the misfortune of eating at a house where there is a long list of rules and people fall into a flop sweat upon discovering that their fork has been placed on the wrong side of their plate (where do the chopsticks go, by the way?).

Eating shouldn’t be a chore, it should be relaxing and fun.

39

If I’m eating with friends or informally, the only rule is don’t make anyone sick or uncomfortable (so no eating with mouth open, no waving arms around in other people’s eating space, reaching across people or gesticulating with cutlery, that kind of thing).

In more formal or unfamiliar settings, I crack out the Super Formal British Manners, and then tone them down as appropriate. I’ve never gone wrong by starting with the most formal.

This thing with cutting one bite, putting the knife down, swapping hands, eating the bite, swapping hands, picking the knife up, cutting another bite, etc etc… why do Americans do that? I’m not being rude, I just don’t understand it. Other table “manners” I can see the point of, whether I agree with them or not, but that just seems tiresomely long.

40

Actually, quite a few of us don’t do that. It’s never been universal in the US, despite what some would have you think. Provided you do so in a civilized manner, in most venues “European style” use of cutlery is entirely acceptable.

As to why some do it - my guess is that at some point in US history, when the nation was still seen as backward, full of bumpkins, and crude some of high society adopted the practice because it was even more correct, in a sense, than how people in the old country did it. Sometimes, manners is about showing off how you can do something awkward with grace.