Jack daVinci:
I wanted to point out that the “no hats” rule generally applies to gentlemen. If a lady is wearing a hat that is part of an ensemble, then no, she’s not asked to remove it. I know it’s sexist, but think of it as our way of making up for the guys rarely being expected to help with the clean-up 
UT
My understanding of the situation is that at some point prior to English settlement in North America the standard table set was spoon and knife only. The European style developed with early adoption of the fork while the American style developed with knife and spoon. Imagine you’re eating with knife and spoon and it makes a tiny bit more sense.
I’m with **Jake **on this one. You’d really prefer that I take a token amount of some food I hate, and leave it on my plate? That’s wasteful. What if someone across the table loves beets, but there isn’t enough for seconds because I had to take a serving that is going uneaten?
I don’t think it matters too much. The primary point of etiquette is to put guests at ease. So if the host offers a guest something and they refuse, a good host can’t make an issue of it because then they’ve committed an even worse etiquette breach: making a guest uncomfortable.
We’ve all got different ideas of what constitutes “eating like a barbarian”, and a combination of the things people are mentioning would make you look like an untrained bumpkin, not just one.
This is one that my MIL and I disagree on, as evidenced that she’s constantly trying to push more food onto my plate than I am interested in eating. However, she’s relented to not doing it so often as she used to.
For me, Scandinavian-American:
[ul]
[li]Knife goes in the right hand, fork in the left. No hand switching-- just learn to eat with both hands full for 80% of things, as it’s not that difficult to manage with practice.[/li][li]Bread plate on the left, water glass and other beverages on the right. That plate at the top above your dinner plate is for pastries/desserts.[/li][li]When in doubt on the cutlery situation, work your way in. Salad forks tend to be smaller or have a differing number of tines or both. Soup spoons have a larger bowl than dessert spoons. Teeny tiny forks are for things like picking out lobster meat.[/li][li]Mixing foods is totally fine: if given a meat, a smooshy starch like mashed potatoes, and vegetables, I will often pile a small amount of all of them together on my fork, wiping the excess off my knife onto the fork.[/li][li]Try to avoid having elbows on the table unless it’s post-dinner conversation.[/li][li]Never butter your bread directly from the butter dish. Take a bit of butter or other condiments and put it on your plate, then slather it on the bread from the plate. Also, use the provided butter knife that’s with the butter-- nobody wants breadcrums from other people’s food in their butter.[/li][li]Napkin goes in lap, and one dabs at one’s face rather than wipes. You shouldn’t be making enough of a mess to need to wipe. ;)[/li][li]The host/ess is in charge of cleaning up, but offer assistance once in case s/he wants it. If s/he says no, get out of her way instead of insisting on trying to help. Additionally, if you’re the host/ess, you need to make sure you’re paying attention to whether folks have enough food, need beverages, and what they prefer. At least offer a beverage once before sitting down, and pay attention to when foods/beverages are getting low. Offer second helpings, but don’t push them on others.[/li][li]If it’s a holiday meal, one generally tries to dress up a little. If you’re a guest at someone’s house, bring a gift of food or alcohol. Offer to bring something when invited to a house for dinner or a party.[/li][li]Ask to be excused if needed. Nobody really needs to know why, but try to not disrupt conversation flow. If you’re a kid, don’t play with your food and answer questions politely; people are engaging you in conversation because they are at least mildly interested in your life. Even if you’re bored as a kid, this is practice for eating like a grown-up and being comfortable talking with grown-ups outside of your immediate social circle-- it will be handy for when you meet friends’ parents for the first time. [/li][li]When I was a kid in more formal settings: pass around the smaller bowls, but pass your plate if it’s meat or a heavy item being served. Take at least a little bit of most things. It’s okay to leave a little behind, but you should only be serving yourself as much as you think you’re actually going to eat.[/li][li]Thank the host for the meal, and don’t comment on what others are eating. If something is especially tasty, mention how good it is to the host/ess.[/li][li]Two scenarios for what to do with plates: If the host/ess is collecting plates, leave any uneaten food on the plate and hand cutlery separately. Napkin stays with you. If you are bringing your plate to the kitchen, scrape uneaten food into trash and dispose of any disposable napkins (if used) in the trash. Garbage on plates is unacceptable and/or crass behavior. Washable napkins are left at the table (folded a couple of times to hide stains) for the host/ess to collect at a later point. [/li][li]Unless it’s bread or an obvious fingerfood*, don’t eat with your hands. There is cutlery present for a reason. Bread items are just about always eaten with the hands, but one breaks off bite-sized pieces from the bread rather than biting off a chunk. Sandwiches are eaten with the hands if a “close faced” sandwich, and eaten with a knife and fork if “open faced”; do not pick up an open-faced sandwich to eat unless it is a small hors d’oeuvre-sized piece on a buffet or being passed around. [/li][li]Don’t comment on execution of table manners while at the dinner table unless it is a prepubescent child who needs reminders; if it’s a big issue, either warn the guest prior to dining or afterward in a discreet manner about house-specific stuff.[/li][/ul]
*I have a narrower concept of what counts as fingerfoods, but it’s highly situational. If I’m eating with folks that don’t live with me or see me eat all the time, I will eat many fingerfoods with a knife and fork. This may include things like grilled cheese sandwiches, pizza and chicken fingers, but I’m less likely to be bothered by eating with my hands if it’s 1) a situation where one eats food with one’s hands as part of cultural eating practices, 2) a fast food place or 3) there are no utensils available.
Acid Lamp and I are married, and as you can see, we grew up with somewhat different table manners expectations. I grew up eating around adults and teenagers as a small child, so I had a lot more “monkey see, monkey do” instruction as a kid and less exposure to “kid oriented” family meals; we had a lot of opportunities to eat dinner at family friends’ houses, so I learned fairly quickly how to eat politely among Scandinavian expatriates. My SO, on the other hand, may not have had as much constant exposure to eating mostly with adults and had a different set of expectations for the average meal. This doesn’t mean that I never had informal dinners, but I had a lot of “put on your good manners” meals inside and outside of the house in a variety of situations from early on, and it’s shaped my tendency to eat more formally, even when by myself. He still thinks the “wiping the knife” thing is weird and refers to it as “rubbing my food” before I put it in my mouth.
Spanish. In some cases I indicate options because it isn’t the same for Dad’s side of the family and for Mom’s, or for ours and for Sis-in-law’s.
My family will use an auxiliary cart to bring items to the table, including any meal items which do not need to be kept cold/on the fire. The server stands, with everybody else seated; after everybody has been served, the meal is blessed (usually by the youngest person present who’s old enough to do it “Nephew, we do know God has good hearing, but please do pronounce…”) and the meal can begin. The blessing can go from the solemn to the “good thing the Bishop isn’t around” (there are some versions involving hand gestures ample enough to cause bleeding noses if people are sitting too close).
Anything left in the middle: if you can reach it, you serve yourself; if you can’t reach without standing, you ask for it.
Anything which needs to be served: ask the server for seconds if you want. The server will also offer seconds when s/he’s done eating. The correct formula to ask for seconds is “[servername], when you’re done I’d like some more”; the server doesn’t normally serve seconds until s/he’s done eating.
Mom’s Mom, SiL’s Mom (and, originally, Mom’s sister and SiL) would serve in the kitchen without asking “how much”. SiL’s Mom refuses to let anybody help serve: this often leads to food getting cold by the time she’s done serving :smack: Hello, next time, would it be possible to have the roast above room temperature? No, I don’t actually say it… Anyway, Mom’s sister copied the auxiliary cart system; for Mom’s Mom and, nowadays, SiL, the system is to ask “how much” and to have someone else carry the dishes to the table.
SiL’s family used to stand in order to reach any plates, rather than ask. This is just not the best system when you’ve got 8-12 people around a table, seriously. Picture 12 people around a table, four of whom have had to walk sideways in order to reach their seats, and one of those four stands up and tries to reach something that’s on the other end of the freaking table. SiL and her Mom ask automatically nowadays, the rest of their family gets the occasional “just ask, please, it’s easier” (or, if it’s her brother, a big-sister’s “DO ask” growl).
When you have guests whose dietary habits or table customs you don’t know:
Ask about any dietary restrictions. If they’re allergic, coeliac, etc. they should mention it (we’ll avoid that ingredient completely to avoid cross-contamination), if it’s a matter of “I’m not overly fond of potatoes” we know we shouldn’t make the menu “potato salad followed by chicken roast on a bed of potatoes”.
Specially if they’re foreigners (that is, likely to have different customs about how big meals are, dish order, etc), verify with them that any menus which won’t be easily changed once they arrive are ok with them. This is also helpful because it can trigger “oh damn, I forgot to tell you I’m allergic to mustard”.
When I invite anybody in, I invite them “hasta la cocina”, “all the way to the kitchen”. That means they have full access to the house, including the fridge and the dry-meat part of the pantry (I’ve still never met someone who didn’t say “I’m kind of peckish, is it ok if I grab something?”, though). Everybody I’ve visited in Spain (including several foreigners who were living here) followed this same rule; even a friend’s Mom, who’s totally OCD about cleaning and order, would greet any guest with an explanation of “what goes where in my fridge” but give us access to it (to make sure we left everything in the right place: when we wanted something, we’d ask whichever one of her sons was handy for it; it was easier for everybody).
Actually, there seems to be a lot of things my family does because “it’s easier for everybody”… I’m not sure whether we’re lazy or efficient, but one or the other 
In Spanish formal etiquette, glasses gets inverted for left-handed people (some people invert cutlery as well). I’m cross-dominant; my mother’s family is right-handed; all my cousins on Dad’s side are lefties… just use the fork and knife in whichever hand they feel comfortable!
I don’t recall my parents ever asking about dietary issues, but I make sure that I ask beforehand and mention what I was thinking about cooking when inviting folks over to eat.
Additionally, I always grew up with the idea that people got the “grand tour” of the house, even if only for an informal visit. This means that I’m horribly embarrassed when the house is a mess and I invite people over anyway; I may be a decent cook, but I’m a terribly inefficient housekeeper.
True story:
I was once eating a meal with an otherwise well mannered couple. When the waiter placed waters at each place, they were generally placed just a slight amount to the right of center of the dinner plate. However, the man of the couple, his water was actually placed a little to the left of center, possibly no more than 1/2 inch, but enough that the situation was obvious to all.
I’m sure you know what happened next, he reached with his right hand, across center of the dinner plate to grasp his water glass - I was mortified. I could tell every single table that happened to be looking in our direction was now quickly passing judgement on our entire table. That was one of my favorite restaurants and now I can’t even be seen there. Oh well.
Pull the other one.
By Spanish standards, the one who commited the faux pas was the waiter and there is nothing wrong with what the man at your table did; left-handed people using several glasses are accustomed to inverting them themselves all the time, preferably before they’ve been served (it’s seen as more discreet than telling the waiter to invert them, as the waiter had no way of knowing beforehand).
What? You can no longer go to a restaurant because of a momentarily misplaced water glass? That’s nuts. What are the odds anyone remembering the prior incident would be there if you went there again?
Did the two accidentally bump into each other as a result of the water glass or something? Even so, I’m not seeing why you’d be mortified over a simple mistake.
I think perhaps RaftPeople was being sarcastic, giving a ridiculous made up story of something which exemplified the post he was responding to about giving an undue amount of scrutiny to ordinary situations.
Unless, of course, you were in on it and your analysis was just piling on to RaftPeople’s post about giving undue scrutiny.
+1 for your insight, and now you have me wondering, +1 to the others? or are they the ones that insist I place a fork in a specific hand (for who knows what logical reason).
Same here. My experiences are more or less documented in the other thread, and covered in this thread, so I won’t repeat them. But nashiitashii’s statement above hits to where I’m coming from: meals were mostly in the company of adults, there was no such thing as a “kid-oriented” meal (outside of things like birthday parties and picnics), and in general, us kids were expected to behave as the adults did. We had no “kids’ table” to warm us up to the big event; we were at the adult table from the start, so we learned all the things in her list early: which fork to use, how to handle rolls and butter, napkin use, and so on. On special occasions (for example, Thanksgiving or Christmas), we were required to dress up–jacket and tie and dress trousers for me, skirt or dress for my sister.
I should add that us kids were expected to stay at the table until everybody was done. In other words, while the adults had their coffee after dessert. There was no getting away early for any reason, boredom included. To do so, it was explained to us, was rude to the host. Strict, perhaps, but one thing it did do was to help me (I cannot speak for my sister) learn the art of polite chit-chat and small talk in such situations. That skill, if it is such, has helped me a great deal in my adult life, in such things as business, interacting with a date’s parents, and so on.
I don’t like the idea of table manners. If I could have it my way, the current popular table manners would be unmannered instead. I find them awkward, fake and silly. If I’m in a situation where I feel people may care, which happens very seldom, I try to do some of the main ones, and I’m not too concerned about the rest.
Try not to be a noisy slob, and that’s about it.
I don’t know about going that far. Without any manners you’d end up with me stabbing everyone’s hand with my fork, stealing the stuffing, and taking it off to perch on the couch to eat like a grumpy orangutan. Some manners are just what moves society along. I’d say that the minimum would probably be:
Use the proper utensils as necessary, use fingers in the same manner.
Chew with your mouth closed; if you must talk with food in your mouth at least move it out of the way into your cheek or something.
Don’t hog all of everything, and ask if anybody else wants something before finishing off/ grabbing seconds.
Elbows off the table if the seating is tight, otherwise go for it.
Perhaps we’re cretins, but in my home, my parents’ home and most homes, to be honest, the usual protocol is to simply eat in a manner that does not disgust people - chew with your mouth closed and try not to pour the gravy directly from the gravy boat into your mouth. Of course you must compliment the food. What hand you hold your fork in is not of concern to anyone.
The manner in which the food is served varies from meal to meal.
Beyond “Don’t gross anyone out” I don’t really understand why you need any more rules. If you’re an intelligent and decent adult you shouldn’t need a damned technical manual to sit down at a table with other people and eat a meal without pissing anyone off.
Wow! No wonder so many folks suffer from indigestion! All this fuss over proper eating eitquette! Way to ruin to a wonderful family time or social gathering. Don’t we all have enough stress in our lives?
This idea that leaving food on your plate is an insult…get over yourselves. I’m a adult, if I can’t finish what’s on my plate, I shouldn’t be expected to as if I were a child.
If guests don’t offer to help, no biggee, and I actually prefer they not. They are there to socialize and being able to get out of a night of preparing a meal and doing dishes is suppose to be a treat. When I’m invited somewhere, I offer to bring something, and I offer to help clean up, if it is declined, I take them at their word and let it go. In the case of family gatherings, most already know what is expected, and things just naturally flow without a fuss. Frankly, I don’t care which side of my plate the utensils are located, just as long as I have them.
If you just keep your mouth closed when chewing, I’m good.
Let’s see…
Grace will be said before the meal, led by the host (though one of the guests will typically add “And God bless the cook!” at the end). When grace is over, everyone can start eating.
Mostly, everyone dishes up their own food, passing dishes around the table if necessary (exceptions being for heavy things like soup, or if there’s a bird being carved, or the like). Food can be dished up before (but not during) grace if you’re one of the first ones to the table. Otherwise, you just dish up after grace.
If any of the guests are vegetarian or have other dietary considerations, then the host should indicate which foods have what, without being asked. It’s the host’s responsibility to find out if any guests have dietary restrictions beforehand, and to make reasonable accommodation.
In a small meal with one or two side dishes, everyone should take at least a small amount (a few forkfuls) of everything, even if you don’t like it. This rule is waived if it’s a huge feast with a dozen different side dishes, like most holiday meals (someone else will probably like the stuffed mushrooms or whatever, and appreciate you leaving more for them).
If after you’ve finished your first helping, there’s still more on the table, you can help yourself to seconds. In principle, you should wait until everyone has had a chance for firsts, but in practice, that will almost always be the case anyway. If food is being reserved for anyone (“Oh, Jim won’t be able to get here from work until after 7; make sure to save some for him”), then the host should make that clear when firsts are being dished up.
Guests (of either gender) should always volunteer to help out in some way. It doesn’t necessarily have to be washing up (how many people can fit around the sink, anyway?), but there must be some offer (helping with the prep, or putting away leftovers, or whatever). The host doesn’t necessarily have to accept, though (some folks can be very possessive about their kitchen).