Dinnertime rules

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Sorry for two posts in a row…

I forgot to say that of course there are cultural differences to deal with as well. I found that I would get absolutely steaming mad if I made dinner then my husband would not come promptly to the table. He would acknowledge my call but continue watching TV or whatever he was doing for sometimes up to twenty minutes or half an hour. We had to have several rows about this before he realised how much it upset me.

On the other hand, I never ate breakfast with my family as my Dad went out very early and my mum would eat after we’d gone to school, so she’d feed us in bits as we came down and went out, and breakfast was only ever cereal or toast etc on a weekday.

My Japanese husband came from a family who all sat down together for breakfast and ate rice, soup, grilled fish and pickles. He was most put out that I wouldn’t make such a breakfast for him nor did I even want to sit with him in the mornings. When we were first married he would leave only about half an hour before I did but I was most certainly NOT going to get up an hour and a half early and start buggering about with fish and soup.

I am sad to say that he did give way on the coming to table promptly (ish!) but I have never once done the good Japanese wife thing and made a huge sit-down breakfast! Poor guy lost out there (though I have made other HUGE compromises in my life with him so I’d say on balance he’s come out OK.)

42

I had forgotten it, but my parents had that rule too. It was the same at every one of our friends’ houses also, so not much chance of it happening. I also remember thinking people kind of exotic if they didn’t eat supper at 5:30 p.m. like everyone else I knew.

One time one of my siblings didn’t drink their milk and Daddy took it into the bathroom to coerce the child into drinking it. He ended up getting angry and pouring it over the child’s head. :stuck_out_tongue: I don’t remember which sibling this was, only that it wasn’t me.

43

No, you finish the milk, you just don’t pick up the bowl and drink out of it. When they were small sometimes they got a straw to drink the excess milk, but usually just used the spoon. Part of that was that drinking from a bowl is not good table manners, but they also learned not to pour way too much milk on the cereal.

Occasionally when they were still learning I relented and put the milk into a cup, but eventually they learned.

44

How awful! The best part of eating cereal is drinking the sugary milk out of the bowl.

45

Dinsdale, those sound downright lenient to me. And very sane. I’d probably have similar rules if I had kids.

As well as the obvious, we had must eat everything served to us (without complaining) - which led to adults with food issues of one kind or another. There were no substitutions.
No elbows on the table
No backs on chairs (breaking this would mean a wooden spoon run up your spine. It doesn’t hurt, it just freaks the hell out of you and makes you not lean your back against the chair).
No TV (suspended for major news events or other special events)

For the most part, it did mean that you were talking to your family (or at least sulking in their presence) at least once a day. And learning how to eat a meal politely at home meant that we could be released in public.

46

Rules Chez Aspidistra:

-You don’t have to eat, but you DO have to sit at the table with us.
-Turn the TV off before you come
-Wait till we say Grace before you eat.
-Dinner before desert
-Ask to leave the table
-Request will be granted only when at least one person has finished all their food (this in response to the Smaller Girl, age 2, who doesn’t believe in dinner, and would prefer to say Grace as “tank you God for this food Amen please get down a table”)
-No sitting on Mum’s lap while she’s attempting to feed herself AND the baby.

Most of everybody else’s rules seem pretty reasonable to me, except the ones about making people clear their plates and - no leaning back against the chair? Man, that would kill me (or cure my backache, I guess…)

47

we had waay too many dinner rules growing up, so our house rules now are pretty relaxed. Having 2 teenagers with their activities usually means that while a meal is cooked, you’re free to eat it when and where you’d like. We might get a family meal in once every week or two due to scheduling.

Here’s the rules I grew up with:

Dinner is at 6 PM every night. You will be present unless you have practice or have been invited to eat at someone else’s house.

There will be no phone calls between 6 and 7 PM. If a friend calls, you may well get grounded because of it.

You will eat what is served. There are no substitutions, and not eating is not an option. You must mostly clean your plate.

Milk will be served and you will drink it.

Dad got first choice of everything, and once he had been served, the rest of us could be served.

The TV will be tuned to the evening news. You will be quiet during the news.

You will not be excused from the table until Dad was served his after dinner coffee.

Mom cooks, mom does the dishes. Kids are not responsible for either.

Steak night is every Saturday and Wednesday. It will be served with boiled frozen corn and fried potatoes. You may not use ketchup on anything at this meal. (this was not as good as it might sound; the “steak” was usually a fairly tough cut of beef like top round or the like, broiled or grilled until chewy)

No elbows or hats at the table.

Dinner kinda sucked growing up. It was usually a quiet, stressful affair. I will not put my kids through that, although I know I run the risk of them developing barbarian table manners.

48

I never understood why one has to ask to be excused from the table; is it just a respect thing?

49

At our house, it was because my sister would otherwise inhale her dinner in 6.5 seconds and leave, the better to escape the incredible pain of interacting with her family.

In families without sullen teenagers, I suspect something similar is at work: kids will often eat too fast and scoot off to play, given the option.

50

  • Arrive quickish when called

  • Don’t start until the boss (matriarch/patriarch/cook/guest/etc) has started. In any event, not before everyone has been served.

  • Appreciate the significance of dinner AT THE TABLE (trays and TV etc are OK for snacks, but at least once a day the family can get together. It’s manners but it’s also a good debrief. TV etc are OFF).

  • Excuse yourself when leaving the table temporarily.

  • No elbows on the table.

  • If you are pretending not to like something, mum will know (mums know everything). If you genuinely don’t like something, then your obligation is to merely “have a go” (a few mouthfuls - a good mum will sneak you something more palatable later if you do this for her). Kids only though. Adults: you eat it and shut up (the shutting up part applies to kids too, come to think of it).

  • Don’t bitch about the fascist table manners because those religious kids have to say grace and you don’t, so [ironically] be thankful).

  • Excuse yourself when you are leaving the table permanently (though you’d try not to do this ahead of the others without a pressing reason).

  • Leave your knife and fork resting on the side of the plate for a temporary absence from the table.

  • Leave the cutlery parallel north/south on the plate to signify you have finished. You are to look down upon those who do this but reverse the knife so the blade is facing the bottom of the plate.

  • Mama TLD, mid-1970s. Still mostly holds good for me.

51

Family meals growing up were never stressful. It was just the way things were. And if you don’t learn table manners from your family growing up, when do you learn them?

I think it’s hugely important to eat together as a family with no TV, phone calls, books, etc. at least a few times a week. I know that I get more stressed when my husband and I can’t do that. It gives you a time to focus on each other as people. And there’s just something primal about breaking bread together, you know?

Exactly. It’s like waiting until everyone is served and the cook takes the first bite before you start eating. Just good manners.

52

We have no rules of any kind. none. Eat where you like, do what you want while eating. Sometimes it’s eat what you like. I cook, when it is done I let people know food is available, then I eat. And of course you can share yours with the dogs if you like.

53

The reasons will probably vary (quelle surprise!), but that was why we had the rule. Respect for the family, respect for the notion of a shared meal, respect for the labor that produced, procured and prepared the meal, and respect for the food itself. Asking to be excused was only done in limited circumstances and there was a proper way to do it. But that was only a small portion of the whole mealtime process, not really something you should look at in isolation.

54

More or less. It’s kind of rude to just walk away from people without acknowledging them. Very rarely was “Can I be excused?” followed by “no” (unless there was some fairly obvious reason why not).

55

Yeah, the OP’s rules sound pretty familiar. We eat dinner in front of the TV sometimes now, but if I had kids it would table and TV off every time. I think it’s important. We didn’t ask to be excused, though.

56

There was one rule my dad had that he still holds us to today, and that was if you get down from the table you are gone, and your meal is over.

This has caused quite a lot of trouble for me with my crying kids shocked that their meal has disappeared and no dessert is forthcoming.

While I agree in principle and always did try to keep my kids at the table when you have a two year old with no high chair that you have to corral then turn around to find his dinner’s been whisked away, it’s a bit hard…

Also when my kids were small we ate Japanese style at a small low table more like a western coffee table which made it far easier for the kid to get up and go away and be called back to eat some more. I always did call them back and make them sit down but go to England and your foot hits the floor and Grampa impounds your dinner. Gah!

Edited to add, though this is a bit extreme and usually hits about ten days after we descend on them (when the shine has worn off!) I am grateful for my Dad insisting on Western manners for my kids as they are perfectly capable if taught and I am ashamed to say I am now more tuned in to “Don’t lick your chopsticks” than “Don’t lick your knife”!

The bowl thing is interesting too because my husband yells at our kids if they spoon stuff out of their bowls with their heads even slightly down “Don’t eat like a dog! Sit up straight and pick up your bowl and drink/eat from it properly!”

That wouldn’t go down well with the non-cereal milk slurping crowd!