As ‘new mommy’ newness wears off and my child ages, I can’t get away with the old dodges of “he’s too young for that, please don’t [put him down crying/feed him chili/put him on the ski slope/teach him about alchemy]” are failing to work.
Specifically, a family member volunteered to change his diaper. Okay, I followed along with the diaper bag, and my son, sans diaper, rolled over in the crib where he was being changed.
Diaper-changer lifted him up slightly by his legs, rolled him back, smacked his butt a couple of times (not abuse by any stretch but a light smacking), continued the change.
I managed to say mildly (instead of screaming at diaper changer) “please don’t hit my child”.
“Oh, okay.”
Son rolls again. Diaper-changer repeats the spanking, finishes diaper change.
???
I’m used to not getting any respect for my parenting decisions (which is why they are no longer allowed to baby-sit) when I’m out of sight, but right frikken in front of me?
I don’t even know where to begin with this. I’m not certain I’m for spanking much at all, if ever, but certainly not in the first year.
And I do realise its partially my fault for not starting befroe he could roll with a special diaper change toy for distraction at diaper change time …
Suggestions for dealing with this otherwise closeish family member who we do and will continue to see quite often?
Good (easy to wipe off) toy suggestion for diaper changing time?
Regarding the toy, any hard plastic kind of thing will do - cups, rattles, whatever. It shouldn’t be a stuffed toy or something with fabric or hair. Not that it will always work anyway. Some kids will always be wild during diaper change.
Regarding this person - don’t let him or her change the baby again. Take away other contact with the baby as needed. It’s quite easy to do it without taking a stand. When he or she offers to change the baby, just say “No, thanks, I’ve got it.”
Your child is never too old for you to have the last word on what you want for him (to other people, at least - he’ll soon have very clear ideas about things).
You would have been quite justified if you had screamed (and under the circumstances it might have been more useful, too). Whatever your views on smacking, it is not someone else’s place to administer a spank to YOUR child. I won’t even start on the whole business of spanking a child of that age.
It’s your fault he rolled? No, it’s not. Your only fault, which was unintentional, was in allowing this relative to change his diaper. It wasn’t his fault, either, he just followed his instinct.
I think you will have to deal with this issue, because anyone who spanks a baby for rolling over is going to feel that he will need disciplined at other times too. Harness your inner Mama Tiger, and make it clear that YOU will be the one to decide when and how discipline should be dealt with. I don’t suggest this will be easy, or pleasant, but your child is your priority, and you’d be better dealing with it sooner rather than later. Stick to your guns, for his sake.
Sorry, not my fault that he rolled, my fault that I hadn’t established a ‘diaper changing routine’ with a toy that would … limit the rolling and establish to DC that I was aware of what could happen and this is how I deal with it.
Part of the situation with DC (diaper changer) is that DC recently hosted three young children (and their parents) for an extended stay (8 months?) and helped “get them under control” with DC’s brand of discipline/raising, some of which I agree with, a lot of which I don’t (nor did the young parents, but they were so ready to move when they were finally able to).
Maybe I should “pop” DC on the butt next time CD pops my kid. I seem to recall I stopped getting spanked as a child the first time a hand was raised to me and I raised one back.
“Your child is never too old for you to have the last word on what you want for him” - true. I’ll be fighting with DC probably for the rest of our natural lives ;).
Carcci: Yeah, one of the places I read online suggests a special toy just for diaper changing time, that’s only for that time. I should ask what they do at daycare … maybe they’ve got a better routine.
I never figured out how to get my kids to stop rolling… Just developed some lightning fast diaper changing reflexes.
On the subject of disciplining (I almost typed discipling!) family members, my only input is - don’t wait until you explode. My ex-MIL was horrendous for not respecting my views when it came to my kids; I would say no snack because dinner is in 5 minutes, she would hand him a cookie, I would say, It’s time for a nap, and she’d take him out of his crib. It was particularly difficult because they were the ones who watched the kids after school, and during those few hours, I had no control over what my kids were or were not allowed to do.
I did try numerous times to talk to her, politely, tactfully, to no avail. I asked my ex repeatedly to talk to her, and get her to understand (especially on issues such as why they weren’t allowed to ride in the front seat; even more urgent when they bought a new car with a passenger airbag) and he wouldn’t do it.
Finally, one day, over something minor (along the cookie before dinner lines) I had had enough. And I exploded. The fallout was swift and immense, but it did at least make a huge difference. Unfortunately, it forever affected my relationship with her. Well, not that that’s an issue now that she’s an Ex-MIL
Anyway, speak up now, while you can still do so calmly, that’s my advice - particularly if it’s not an In-law, but one of those people that are even harder to deal with when you blow up on them.
I agree that the first year is too young for spanking, and I am not an anti-spanking activist.
As far as who has the authority to spank my kid, that’s up to me and DH to decide. If my MIL did it, that’s fine, because I know and trust her. If, say, my BIL did it, not so much because he’s an idiot with a nasty temper.
And I’m with the poster who said “don’t wait till you go postal” (or something like that). When you can discuss it calmly, do so. If ya nip it in the bud now you probably won’t have any other problems.
Aaah yes, I remember the first time a well meaning grandparent slapped my child’s hand for something I did not even consider a discipline requiring event. I explained to that person that they were not to hit my child. It was not easy but they accepted my parenthood and had more respect for my skills/convictions after that.
Onto the what do I do with a kid that rolls… well with a child under a year my suggestion is change them faster. I use a changing table with a strap that helps limit rolling ability. My six month old likes to try and fling himself everywhere. My not quite three year old is actually very helpful with the whole process and has been since before she was 2. I just wish she’d move to the potty but that’s a whole other can of worms.
Like Abbie, I am not in the anti-spanking camp, but for someone else to spank your child, and then, for them to do it AGAIN, IN FRONT OF YOU, is way out of line. :eek:
I don’t care if it’s spanking, giving a cookie, letting them play with something, or what it is. If you said no, that’s all anybody needs to know. It doesn’t matter if they agree with you or not, and it doesn’t matter if what you do works or not. It’s your decision. And if you don’t make it clear now, calmly and firmly, it will likely just get worse. Don’t hesitate to take the child away from anybody, if they do something that contradicts what you’ve decided for your baby. Unless these people are completely irrational, it shouldn’t take too long to get the message across. I never had to push it, but both my mother and my mother in law knew to send the kids to ask me first if they wanted to give them something. “Go ask Mommy if you can have a cookie.”
Of course, when my kids were old enough my mom gave them things that I probably wouldn’t have, like cookies at odd times. (And certainly things she never let me have!) But within reason and within the rights of Grandmas, and I understood that she would spoil them a little. But I know that if I had told her not to do that, she would have stopped.
In short, you are the one who makes decisions for your child, and if other people don’t respect that, you have the right to intervene, even if it makes them uncomfortable.
I find it very difficult to discipline my child in front of people. I seem to have the inverse problem here - others disapproving of my giving her a talking-to, or taking her out of the room to calm her down, will sometimes even prevent me doing it completely.
But not often. Usually I know this is one area where I have the final say. I just find it really hard when people say “That’s unfair! Don’t do that! She’s just being a two year-old!” I know I’m a good dad.
You do need to talk to this person, but I’d be interested to know what words and phrases people find useful. I don’t want to get too confrontational.
Mynn, I am absolutely with you on the idea that someone else spanking your child is wrong; what I’m not clear on, based on your OP, is that it was spanking. Could it have been “patting the butt”? I ask this because when you asked the relative not to “hit your child”, they agreed, but then repeated what you interpreted as spanking. I’m big on patting babies’ butts. I just love them so much! I even pat the butt of my 4-year-old as she’s going up the stairs towards bed. I just can’t resist (don’t get the idea that I’m some kind of perv; I just think baby and little kid butts are the cutest things ever). So, are you sure the relative was “spanking” and not “patting”?
… super power of: CHANGING DIAPERS AT HYPERSONIC SPEED!
closish: grew up with/around, blood relative, over at each other’s places several times a month (live 60 miles round trip). My son is related to DC in the same way his cousins are, but none of them live within an hour’s driving, and one lives several states away.
gaining respect for my decisions has been an uphill battle. At most, I’ve gotten DC to shut the pancake up, and I’ve quietly rejoiced everytime DC has tried to show me how wrong one of my parenting decisions is and failed.
Spanking, patting, hitting, beating …
It was a spank, but not a wollop. And not a friendly baby pat on the butt … he cried, probably mostly out of confusion. But flesh hitting flesh, a smack. When DC has bounced or burped him, DC has patted the baby on the butt many times.
So yeah, non-confrontational ways to bring it up? The kid is just about 9 months old, recently learned how to crawl and cruise and is doing what babies do: getting into everything.
I agree. I have an aunt who is convinced that she is the foremost expert on childrearing (Meanwhile her kids are terrors that nobody wants to be around, but that’s a rant for another time.). She is always secondguessing the things I do with my daughter, usually on minor things, but it was still very irritating. The last straw was when I left Em inside while I went to grab something from the car and when I came back in, she was playing on the floor with a phone cord in one hand and an electric cord in the other, heading straight to her mouth. I took them away from her and told her “No! You don’t play with those!” My aunt told me “Oh Angela, it’s okay, let her play with them!”
I told her “No. She’s my child and I am teaching her that she isn’t supposed to play with electric cords, so NO, IT IS NOT OKAY.”
What kind of freak thinks it’s okay for a 10 month old to eat electric cords anyhow?
Anyway, Em doesn’t get to stay at that aunt’s house unless I’m there either.
We used a changing pad with a strap, which was always fastened when the kid was on the pad. When the kids really started rolling and getting active, we made the rule that the kid must always be changing on the floor.
In terms of the smack – WTF? If that happened to my kid, I’d take them immediately, repeat my injunction against spanking, and make it a loooooong time before they had exposure to my kid again, even when I was there.
If you want to be really mature & adult about it, I’d go for a sit-down on this one, or at least a phone call, telling the person that the smacking is why they won’t see the kid for several months (or whatever you decide is appropriate). And then stick to it, is my advice. Either this person doesn’t respect you as a parent (sure trouble) or simply doesn’t listen/pay attention (not good around a small child, obviously).
This reminds me of the “parenting question” thread above. Oh, and I’m not an anti-spanker, either.
Everyone is a parenting expert.
I probably knew more about having kids before I had them, too.
I had a guy in to give me a quote on windows once. I asked the kids (2 of them, ages 2 and 4 at the time) to please go into the next room while I talked to the guy. The guy then proceeded to tell me that “asking” children to comply with adult requests gave them too much control and that children should do as adults say without question, be obedient, blah, blah, blah.
I told the guy that I prefered to model good behavior. End of discussion.
I was wondering “Who is this guy I’ve never before met to come in my home and tell me what to do?”, etc.
Anyway, you just have to decide what you want in your world and let the others know. If you don’t speak up now, it will just get worse later on. Letting that stuff fester will result in an explosion later on. It’s better to deal with it in small chunks.
I’m not going to give advice on how to deal with the relative–you’ve already gotten a ton of good suggestions.
But–as to the diaper changing toy here’s what I do.
I always change him on the floor, and I have three CDs (just blank computer ones) strung together with a knotted ribbon. They’re shiny, clacky, slippery, smooth, reflective…He loves them.
Of course, they only work for about 30–45 seconds, but as long as he’s not too messy I can usually get the diaper changed by the time his attention has waned. After that–look out ‘cause he’s gonna roll! It’s just a sign of their growing independence and certainly not anything they should be disciplined over. A two-and a half year old rolling and struggling–maybe. A 9 mo. old–no frickin’ way.
Lay them on the floor and put a leg over them while you take care of the diaper.
My kids hated this move and sometimes it was the only option I had when they were particularly wiggly. I would also explain that if they stopped wiggling we could be using the changing table instead. You can never be sure of just how much kids understand, but keep it simple. " Wigglers get the floor. Good babies get the table and a song."
Another suggestion: sing a song that you know they love. Particularly a clapping song. It’s like crack for kids. Can’t resist Paddycake…must clap…
The hardest part of parenting is dealing with other people’s parenting techniques, because they are wrong and you are right. Etc.
Whomever is watching your child, if they do not respect your wishes on the no spanking, you need to get a new care giver. This is an issue, but it will only get worse as the child becomes more independant. If they are semi-spanking a wiggling child during diaper changes, what exactly are they going to do when the child draws on a wall or scales out of a play pen or chucks food on the floor. Or, worse yet, what will they do when tantrums hit your child. A spanking will only aggrevate why the child is frustrated.
DC has watched Wolfie for me a total of five times … mostly before he was four months old, so it was bottle, bath, diaper change, drop into his bassinette (which DC hated put up with because I didn’t have a crib … and I was in the “new mommy who should be indulged” warranty period).
The last time DC watched my son, he was put into a crib after I’d asked he not be, and other stuff went down that I was not happy about (nothing as drastic as spanking, but bad enough). Since then, DC has only been a visitor or visitee, and not watched my son again (and will not for as long as I can possibly manage).
I wrote DC a brief email, ccd to my husband
TO: CD
From: Me
CC: Ramit
Subject: I know we disagree on a number of things
Such as extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and other child-rearing ideas,
but I really don't want Wolfie or any of my kids spanked at this time, if ever.
~ Me
More information on infant discipline and spanking from the University of Michigan:
http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/pa/pa_bdiscphy_hhg.htm
Don't spank children less than 18 months old. Spanking is absolutely
inappropriate before your child has learned to walk. Spanking should be
unnecessary after the age of 6 years because you can use negotiation and
discussion to resolve most differences with school-age children.
http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/pa/pa_menu8300_pa.htm
Discipline Techniques (Including Consequences)
Summary of techniques to use for different ages
From birth to 6 months: no discipline necessary.
From 6 months to 3 years: structuring the home environment, distracting,
ignoring, verbal and nonverbal disapproval, moving or escorting, and temporary
time-out.
From 3 years to 5 years: the preceding techniques (especially temporary
time-out), plus natural consequences, restricting places where the child can
misbehave, and logical consequences.
From 5 years to adolescence: the preceding techniques plus delay of a privilege,
"I" messages, and negotiation and family conferences. Structuring the
environment and distraction can be discontinued.
Adolescence: logical consequences, "I" messages, and family conferences about
house rules. By the time your child is an adolescent, you should stop using
manual guidance and time-out techniques.
DC has watched Wolfie for me a total of five times … mostly before he was four months old, so it was bottle, bath, diaper change, drop into his bassinette (which DC hated put up with because I didn’t have a crib … and I was in the “new mommy who should be indulged” warranty period).
The last time DC watched my son, he was put into a crib after I’d asked he not be, and other stuff went down that I was not happy about (nothing as drastic as spanking, but bad enough). Since then, DC has only been a visitor or visitee, and not watched my son again (and will not for as long as I can possibly manage).
I wrote DC a brief email, ccd to my husband
Ramit wanted more about how it made me feel, but I know I can’t put that in writing … not erasable like memory is, more offensive in DC’s mind. He also suggested I just sit down with DC, but I always ‘lose’ when I do that and get blown off … this ‘opens’ the conversation firmly with my stand, and we can get into the ‘forgettable’ nitty gritty and not lose the point, I think.
Haven’t sent the email yet, or talked to DC (we usually speak several times a week) … still waiting on a call back from my sis who is also pondering the situation.
