Disclosure in marriages of convenience

In My Humble Opinion
1

A couple of weeks ago, in this thread on non-perfect relationships, one poster talked about her marriage of convenience (the marriage being for a desirable family and life, not for love), and the common consensus in that thread seemed to be that it’s only a moral thing to do if the spouse knows/knew that this is what’s going on (presumably, before they got married).

I waver on this. Part of this is no doubt due to my parents’ quasi-arranged marriages, so I’m used to the idea of it, but obviously that’s a very different story since their whole culture was like that, so they knew what they were getting into. Still… while obviously full disclosure is always the best, I kind of also see the rationale for not bringing it up. I mean, I don’t think you should lie and proclaim your eternal devotion to the Romantic Love of the Ages, but if you have the commitment to stick with it and be devoted to your spouse and family, I don’t know that this shouldn’t speak louder than your spouse or spouse-to-be fitting some romantic ideal or not.

Seems to me there are two possibilities (again, assuming you’re not outright lying). One: your spouse-to-be has figured out that maybe you don’t feel like s/he’s your One Twu Luv. In which case there’s no point bringing it up. Or two: your spouse-to-be can’t tell the difference between what you’d feel for One Twu Luv and what you feel for him/her. In which case, again, why bring it up?

And then again, I imagine there are better and worse ways to approach the subject. Like, I can imagine a very delicate conversation around the time marriage was broached at all, something like, “You know, I think we’re very comfortable together, and I think you are a wonderful man/woman, and that’s what I place a high priority on” as opposed to “I don’t love you like that, and I probably never will, so keep that in mind before deciding to marry me, sucker!”

Also, what if partners marry each other in good faith, thinking they’re in love, and then one of them realizes that, no, in fact, a “Soulmate Twu Luv OMG” is possible, just not with his/her spouse? Let’s further say the partner-with-epiphany has no intention of straying or cheating or leaving the other. Should s/he tell the other spouse about this soulmate epiphany? I am even more conflicted on this one – I think I would tend no, but I’m not sure. If it were my problem, I might bring up bits with my spouse as an intellectual exercise, like, “Mr. Soulmate and I finish each other’s sentences, I wonder how much of a cultural background you have to share to do that”… something like that. Maybe.

2

In the end, I still feel that honesty is the best policy. To me a relationship involves both parties being able to make fully educated decisions at all times - and that includes decisions about whether the relationship is worth it or not if “true love” isn’t there.

3

This will sound somewhat bitter, but I thought I had found my soul mate, my one true love, the man who would love me as much as I loved him. We were engaged for almost 5 years, the wedding was planned for 2 weeks from now. He suddenly fell in love with someone else and I’m left with a dress and a house that is not a home.

I’m now carefully entering into a relationship with a man 25 years older than me, and who has been very clear that he just wants a companion/partner. We both had our one true love and that is gone, so we agree that its better to be friends than go looking for the next love of our lives.

When M calls, I don’t get flutterly feelings in my tummy at seeing his name on caller ID. He doesn’t drop everything when I call him. If I were to call him now, he would wonder if there was something wrong because its so late for him.

We are very good friends. We love each other and we have been there for each other during a lot of bad stuff. There is no spark, no passion, no “OMG, I"m going to die if he doesn’t answer his phone.”

There is also no drama. No fights about him going out to dinner with clients and me pranking the IT guys.

Its the no drama thing that we both like the best. Trust and friendship are better than passion and drama for us. YMMV.

4

The OP makes the assumption that at least one of the two partners is looking for his/her One Twu Wuv, but in most of those marriages I know where “convenience” played a part, neither partner was looking for such a thing: love, yes; “stars in your eyes love”, no. Several of them had been in starry relationships and seen them come crashing when the burning fire turned to banked coals; others had seen their friends or their relatives be treated like shit by the people they were crazy about. For them “compatibility”, “common goals” and “convenience” were more important than “can’t wait to take my clothes off!”

In the one case where the wife had clearly married her much-smitten husband for a green card without caring a whit about him and finding him physically repulsive, I consider her a número uno bitch for many, many reasons. You want to marry for papers, fine: but damnit, you ARE marrying, your part of the deal is that you support that man and make love to him (you make an active effort to learn and remember the good things about him: he’s a person, not a rubber stamp), not that you’re a bitch to him and demean him as a person, a man and a brain at every turn!

5

Drama is no fun at all, but I’d also say that it’s not a necessary component of a passionate, loving relationship.

As tot he OP, I find misleading people, especially with an excuse like “Well, he SHOULD have known…” to be pretty much anathema for me. There’s nothing wrong with marriages of convenience. There’s something wrong with building a relationship on a lie.

6

flatlined, it sounds like you and your partner have had discussions about this. Nava, do you have any idea whether that has been true for your friends’ marriages?

jsgoddess, would you also say in my “soulmate-after-marriage” scenario that the partner should talk about that? Here I waver partially because talking about it seems like it might propagate more of an untruth than not talking about it – if, for example, this happened to my husband I don’t think I’d actually want him to tell me, because I would worry it would mean he would want to leave me, while it would (in fact) mean no such thing. If that makes any sense.

7

If your spouse would feel betrayed if they knew, then I think it’s their business. I have little confidence that someone who discovers that they are NOT really in love with their spouse would go on happily in the marriage. I’d guess that resentment and frustration would tend to fester at that point. It’s one thing to deliberately choose to settle. It’s another thing to attempt to convince yourself that settling is fine when the choice has already been made and you potentially feel trapped.

I don’t actually believe in “soulmates,” so this is said from a perspective of believing in love.

8

In the ones I consider the good ones, yes. Heck, my own great-grandparents were one of those (see below). The one where she could barely stand being in the same room as her husband - I don’t think so.

He needed to get married before a certain date so his youngest brother wouldn’t have to do his military service, asked her (whom he’d known for a few months) giving the full explanation as that meant no long courtship, she thought about it and said “ok”. They got married a few weeks later, after she’d notified her employers (she was a maid and continued working in the same home for several years, but now as “out-house” rather than “in-house”) and he’d done the paperwork necessary to obtain married quarters (he was in a branch of the police which has military-style organization and other military trappings such as providing living quarters).

9

This is a tough question. My answer is, “I’d want to know exactly how my partner felt about me, but of course I’d want a little latitude to fib about the specifics of my feelings, because I’d be doing it for her good and the good of the relationship.” :wink:

IOW, it’s a tough question. Pure honesty doesn’t always lead to good relationships. I think there’s a spectrum and I’m not sure where the line is, or maybe it varies situation to situation. I do know that if two people are both happy, I don’t know that I would say either would be “better off” if they knew the exact “truth” about their partner’s feelings.

10

Eonwe, yes! That is the difficulty I was trying to get across in the OP, and didn’t really – perhaps I should have made it a more general thread on “what are the limits of honesty in relationships?” I think straight-out deception is bad, certainly, but like you say, where is the line?

It does seem from the answers, though, that for the specific problem in the OP people are saying that in practice, not just ethically, it works out better to have at least some discussions about it beforehand. I guess I can see that, since some of the assumptions I made in the OP (committed to the marriage No Matter What regardless of soulmate or whatever) probably don’t work so well in real life.

11

As long as you’ve had this conversation - ideally long before he found his Soul Mate - and you make it clear that you’re a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell kind of person, I see nothing wrong with his having a discrete relationship without telling you. He’s already gotten your consent. As long as he remains within the bounds you’ve set up (like, “have sex all you want, fall in love all you want, but don’t desert your responsibilities to me or our household”) then he’s not “cheating”.

But it does mean that you’ve waived your right to treat him like a cheating asshole if he does find another relationship while he stays with you and you suspect he’s seeing someone else. :wink:

Personally, I can’t do DADT. I’d rather know about it. But that’s me, and I’ve made that clear to my partner. If he finds someone else, that’s okay, and he’s welcome to pursue it, but I want to know about it. That’s just how I’m wired.