Jane (a single parent) has four children who are all now adults. One of the children (we’ll call her Mary) has (for reasons unknown) cut contact with her and all of the other family members. It has been two years since anybody has spoken with Mary, and repeated attempts to make contact whether via social networking or via her friends have been fruitless. It appears that friends have been sworn to secrecy! Jane has no idea where Mary is living or any other details about her life. She knows only that Mary is alive. It also seems that Mary might well have changed her name to protect her privacy.
Jane is in the process of writing a will, and wonders what to do about Mary. The rest of the family are very close, and maintain regular contact and support for each other. For whatever reason, Mary has chosen to opt out of this familial relationship.
The devil or angel is really in the details and circumstances, of course. It depends on the reasons, her culpability, etc. In general, I would leave her out of the will.
I’ve always heard that a person should leave a disinherited relative one dollar, to make it clear that the relative was not forgotten, but deliberately disinherited. However, IANAL, and this was just casual reading.
Reasons unknown? There is always a reason and a situation. What if Daddy molested Mary and Jane did nothing to stop it, and looked the other way? Perhaps it is too painful for Mary to be around anyone that reminds her of the molestation, and Jane regrets doing nothing to stop the abuse? In that case, maybe Jane would like to leave Mary a final token, whatever it may be. Then it would be up to Mary to take it or leave it. Or donate it to a charity.
Or perhaps Jane was the perfect mother and Mary is jut a real bitch. Then Jane could cut her out.
I didn’t speak to my father for four years. Both of us did horrible things. I came back around, he told me some had their reservations about us speaking again, but he said you always have to forgive your children. After about a year of visits (he never called or visited me), I decided I was tired of putting all the effort into a strained relationship that he showed no interest in and was infected by hostility from his new wife and my half-sister. Now it’s been nine years since we’ve spoke. He used to drive by my house on his way to work, and he works and shops in the town I live in. There still has been no contact in nine years, and neither of us are hiding from the other (at least I’m not).
Do I expect to be named in his will? I don’t know. I would understand if I wasn’t, but it is possible I will be, for the following two reasons: My uncle didn’t speak to my Dad’s parents for five years, and lived 1/2 a mile away. He didn’t resurface until my grandmother died, and that was a few months before my grandfather died. Not only was he named in the will, he was co-executor (between three kids, and me, a grandchild). At the same time, right after my Dad’s mom died, my Dad got mad at my grandfather and didn’t speak to him, up until his Dad’s death. My Dad was still named in the will.
I come from an old Family that’s been in the country a long time, and has been in the south a long time. Even though there was so much off and on family estrangement, the culture and family recognized the passing of the family land and fortune through the bloodlines. No matter how a kid wrongs a parent, if the culture and locale expects the family fortune to be handed down a certain way, your hypothetical mother may be feeling such pressure to treat her offspring equally and avoid scandal or gossip after the community finds out she disinherited a child. So I would really like to know more about Jane and Mary’s situation. Is Jane widowed, and are all the children by the same father? Did the deceased father contribute largely to Jane’s property and liquid holdings? What was his relationship to Mary? Not that Jane owes Mary due to her relationship with her father, but would she like to consider her husband’s wishes?
There really are no details or culpability. Mary last had contact at a family gathering, no mayhem ensued, and that was the last anybody has heard from her at her behest. Family members have tried many times to make contact (as mentioned in the OP) but all attempts have been ignored.
Have you known Mary for very long? Was she a stable person? Have you ever spoke to anyone that claims to ever see her, or knows where she works or lives? How is anyone certain she hasn’t vanished?
Jane divorced her husband and later he passed away. All the children are of the same father. The deceased father contributed nothing to Jane’s current property status, which is nil apart from insurance and superannuation…and he left the children with absolutely nothing when he died. Mary is the youngest child and did not suffer any abuse or material deprivation during her life (except that of being the child of a single mother).
Geez…did you read the ‘sort of a hypothetical’ in the OP? It really ain’t a hypothetical at all…it’s a personal question I’m asking, without divulging any personal details.
Yes, I have known Mary since the day she was born. :rolleyes:
Yes, it helps makes a case for leaving Mary out of the will. As the youngest, I bet she may have felt alienated, and maybe felt she never really belonged to group that was mother and the other three siblings. Was everything normal and fine up until that last day, or was she always kind of flaky, unpredictable or prone to…well, any sort of unusual behavior? Can’t understand a child wanting to give up the support/safety net of a warm receptive parent when she didn’t have any problems, either of her own making or the parent’s.
Yes, I read it, and automatically assumed you’re probably one of the siblings, but didn’t want to state that or even ask it. Did you want some empty glad-handing that reaffirms disinheriting, or did you want to explore the situation, get honest opinions, and weigh the pros and cons?
If the former, go find Rudy Baylor and cut, cut, cut! If the latter, I’m free to type a few more paragraphs.
There are places where disinheriting someone is a different process from not leaving them anything in a will: unless the first step has been followed, the second one is not possible.
The person in the OP should consult a lawyer in their location to know what the possibilities are, before choosing one.
First, you have my sympathy. This can’t be easy for you. Second, Nava is right. You do need to consult a lawyer. Ask around for one that is both good with wills and supportive.
I can’t imagine how hard it would be for an executor to discharge a will that includes giving a share to someone who persists in being absent. Perhaps there is a way to include her if she responds to notices within a certain amount of time, but that allows her portion to be disbursed to her siblings if she does not. That’s not something that you can cook up on your own and expect to go smoothly.
You may also want to start a CD as her portion of the estate, with your remaining children inheriting the rest. Again, a lawyer should be able to suggest several options.
I salute you for sorting this out now. Making sure you have a well-written and up to date will is an act of love.
If I was her mother and didn’t understand why she had disappeared, I couldn’t imagine leaving her the ‘fuck you’ of disinheritance. I would not leave her out of the will.
Also be aware that wills can be contested. My father’s mother left my father out of the will (my father had done nothing wrong except marry a woman his mother considered low class). When the will was read, my father’s sister said, ‘That’s ridiculous. You’re having half of everything.’ And that’s what happened.
The testatrix should obtain appropriate legal advice.
After the testarix’s death, the disinherited daughter may have standing to bring a Family Provision Application, seeking that appropriate provision be made for her out of the estate. While there is an increased vigilance by the courts to ensure that such applications are dealt with expeditiously and cost effectively, if the legal personal representatives can’t resolve the matter, they can become a lawyers’ feast, depending on the size of the estate.
I imagine Jane has never stopped loving Mary, and will never stop loving Mary. I think her final gesture should be to leave Mary her share so that Mary knows that, right up to the end, she was loved and thought of and whatever it was that lead her away from her family didn’t diminish her mother’s love. I think if someone mysteriously and randomly cuts themselves off from their family and there’s no incident or history of abuse that logically explains it, then mental illness may be playing a role, and that’s all the more reason to continue to demonstrate love.
It’s your choice. Leave something to her or leave nothing. There’s no right or wrong here. It’s your money and assets. Just make sure that it is properly documented the way you want it in your will.
If you do decide to leave her something, the executor may not be able to find her and then the assets stay in your estate, for some period. You might decide to make some provision on your will as well that says if Mary is not located within some number of months or years, then the assets are distributed to the other children, etc. Again talk to your attorney and make sure it’s documented in your will.
That’s one technique but my family lawyer friend told me that the person getting $1 could then claim that it was done out of anger and it might be better to leave a modest amount but still significantly less than the others. It’s also a good idea to give an explanation of why you left an unequal amount without sounding overly emotional about it.
All of this is to a avoid a lawsuit from Mary if she is left out and likely to contest things. It doesn’t sound like she gives a crap. From what little we know, I’d be inclined to give her an equal share anyway but would also lean towards what the other kids think.
If it was me, I think I’d leave her something of sentimental value, (yes, perhaps only to you!), and disburse the rest among the still connected offspring. Perhaps a ring or gem, expensive knick knack or painting. Something with perhaps value on both fronts; sentimental and monetary. You could include some phrasing in the will perhaps, along the lines, “Though she’s made it clear she wants nothing more from me, I’d like to leave Jane…”.
I think that would satisfy my need to not completely disinherit her, while acknowledging the children who remained engaged, ought be rewarded for doing so.
It really only matters that you are comfortable with the choice, as once you’re gone, they’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it, regardless of what you choose.