I’m about to re-write my will, and have a child who has effectively disowned the family for the past four years. And I’m wondering whether to include her or not.
There was no indication that she would disappear as she has: we know she is alive (a facebook page is active) but all attempts at contact have met with a resounding silence.
If you were that child, would you expect to be included in an inheritance?
Ouch! That’s got to hurt. Do you know why she’s on radio silence? Is she in touch with any of your other kids / family members?
I can’t really answer your question as-is, because without knowing why it’s hard to know what she would expect out of her future relationship with you. I’m not sure it’s relevant, what she expects, though. What do you feel right about doing? What about your other kids? Would you feel comfortable discussing the situation with them? It kind of affects them more than you in a way, ya know 
Personally, it would take some really REALLY egregious behaviour for me to want to leave one of my kids out of my will altogether. Something of the order of trying to kill a sibling … I’m not sure just ignoring us all would do it, hurtful though that would be. But then, all my kids are still primary-age and cuddly…
Well, some kids would expect to be included no matter what, but it totally depends on the circumstances of the split.
My husband was essentially disowned by his mother because he chose me for a partner. I wasn’t the good christian girl his mom had hoped for, so he lost out. I felt bad about that for him, but he never shed a tear for his mom when she died. I think that’s sad. He wasn’t expecting anything from her, but I think he was hurt that she left him out.
We (that’s me and three other siblings) have no idea why she has shut down. Our last contact was a very amicable Xmas dinner four years ago, then she disappeared off the planet. We’re your garden variety dysfunctional family, but nothing too major: hey, the other three survived, and she got the best deal of the lot (being the youngest and all).
Without going into all the gory details, my step-dad wrote his daughter out. He left her $1,000 just to make sure it’s clear he didn’t forget her so she can’t say she was left out or he forgot or something. In fact, he and my mom weren’t married until last year when they decided (after over 30 years) they didn’t want to leave it up to wills and trusts and beneficiary statements and wanted to make sure my mom had spousal rights to everything so none of it was left to question. My step-dad’s inheritors are my mom, me, and his grandson.
If you don’t mind me asking, what sorts of attempts have you made to reconnect? I can only imagine how I’d feel (my kids still being preschool age), but if one of my daughters tried to pull something like that someday, I think they’d find me camped out on their lawn.
Regarding the will, though, I think if you still care about her you should include her. And if you don’t care about her, what does it matter what she expects?
I would leave her something small as a token. I am of the belief that being on the receiving end of an inheritance is a privlege, NOT a right! If your not close to that person, nor treat them well…your shit outta luck!!!
I would expect la legítima (the amount required by law) tops. In a location where the legítima would be large, I wouldn’t have been surprised to discover I’d been formally disinherited: Spanish locations with large legítimas have easier disinheritance processes than those with small ones. Not a dime or an object that wasn’t a legal obligation, that’s for sure. This doesn’t mean the people who hadn’t chosen to cut contact can’t choose to leave more, but expecting to get more than the legal due when you haven’t done even your legal due for the deceased would be worthy of the Pit.
Is cutting someone out of a will even a legal possibility in the US?
In the Netherlands, you can’t do that. An inheritance as a standard, is divided into fair parts. Parents can disinherit kids, but the kid can, after the parents death, still claim a fair part of the money. So disinheriting your kid in the Netherland is essentially a dramatic and psychologically satisfying gesture, but essentially legally void. That is, unless the disinherited kid decides to take the gesture as intended and refuses to claim his part of the inheritance.
The more common tactic for parents is to say: screw it, I’m gonna spend it all on an expenisve nursing home, and if that doesn’'t finish it, on hookers and blow.
Do you love her?
Yes., adult children can be disinherited in all US states except Louisana.
Kambuckta, all I can say is, perhaps your child finds your “garden variety dysfunction” too painful to maintain a relationship at this time. I’m sure my father thinks the same thing as you, but he has no idea how many times I’ve talking my brother out of cutting him off for good. Your children may know things among themselves they are not telling you.
I’m in Australia, and my other children are equally mystified at the lack of contact. In some ways, they feel it more acutely than me (if that’s possible). The other kids are very close, and always felt that their sib was part of their shenanigans, but as of four years ago, that has ceased. Nobody knows quite why.
I’m on good terms with my mother and I don’t expect an inheritance. I sincerley hope she remains healthy enough to spend every last cent she has on travel, and if not, then to spend it all on the best medical care we can find.
If I were that child, no I would not.
A number of years ago we stopped all contact w/ my FIL (long story involving bigamy on his part). At the time, we decided any possible inheritance wasn’t worth his BS. Tho our limited contact with him has increased just recently, my understanding is that my wife is not in his will, but our kids are. We’re fine with that. I’m very fortunate that we are financially secure enough that we don’t need anything from him.
If you want your child to feel like you never loved her, then cut her out of the inheritance. That was how my dad felt after his mother left everything to my aunt. My aunt, being a sensible human being, immediately said that they’d split everything 50-50. (Not that my dad had ever disowned his mother, it was just that she never approved of his marriage to my mum.)
If you don’t want that, then don’t.
No, of course not.
Edit :
This is also true, I think.
Pretty much what sandra says. When I left home I expected no inheritance. Years later my dad and I have reconciled and I am the sole beneficiary of all of his money. When I think about it, it touches me, a lot. His absolute certainty that I deserve it really makes up for some of the hard times…not the money, though that’s certainly appreciated, but that he loves me and never stopped thinking of me as his little girl.
But as I said, we’ve reconciled. I might consider leaving her a token amount, but as others have said, since you don’t know why she’s left, you don’t know what her grievance is. It might be bigger than you know.
The fact that she’s cut off contact with her siblings as well as you makes me think it’s about something going on in her life rather than you.
I would both keep her in the will and continue making it clear through whatever channels you have that you love her and would welcome her back when she’s ready.
Yes, this. My first thought was “abusive partner,” although of course I have no idea whether that is likely to be true in this case or not.
It doesn’t matter what she expects or how she feels about you. What matters is how you feel about her.